


I Solemnly Swear, part 2

by MonkeyZero



Series: Mischief Managed [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempted Sexual Assault, Bullying, Child Abuse, First War, Hogwarts, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, MWPP, Marijuana, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-11 05:29:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 118,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4423184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonkeyZero/pseuds/MonkeyZero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amidst the biggest war the wizarding world has seen, Remus navigates friendship, love, magic, and life as a werewolf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Prank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TW: there is some self-harm/internalized homophobia in this chapter.   
> -Marijuana use  
> -death of a family member

Remus scrambled aboard the Hogwarts Express moments before it started slowly pulling out of King’s Cross station. He hurried to meet his friends and was out of breath by the time he reached the compartments where his friends where his friends were sitting.  
“Well hello Mr. punctual,” James said. “Why are you late. We demand an explanation.”  
“Had to slip these past the secrecy sensors,” Remus said, pulling a box of Filibuster’s best fireworks from his trunk. “But there’s still Filch and his probity-probe to get by once we get to school. The conductor likes be: Filch doesn’t.”  
“Damn Death Eaters,” James sighed. “Heightening security and making our jobs much harder.”  
“Yeah well, with all those killing this summer,” Remus said, shuddering. “My parents were on high alert the whole time. They were even relieved to send me away this fall—they reckon Hogwarts in less dangerous with Dumbledore protecting us.”  
“Probably true,” Peter said, staring out the window. “My step-brother Wendell was killed this summer. He had protective charms on his apartment, but a couple death eaters broke through anyway. We don’t really know why, except that he helped a few of his neighbors in some battles, and that must have Voldemort’s attention.” When Peter stopped talking his friends fell into a shocked silence. None of them had lost anyone in their family, not even distant cousins. Remus had only seen Wendell once from a distance at King’s Cross, but it made everything seem much more real.  
“I’m sorry Pete, I didn’t know,” Remus said at last.  
“I was never very close to him,” Peter said, not looking away from the window. “But it just makes you think: it could be any of us, really. And there’s only so much we can do to defend ourselves.”  
“But we can learn to fight,” Sirius said. “And we can stick together, and fight him.”  
“And then he’ll try even harder to kill you,” Peter argued. “You try to help somebody else, and he kills you or your family—it’s all over the papers. Any half-blood or pure-blood wizard who dies died because they tried to help a muggle or muggle-born.”  
“So we should let him kill them?” Sirius asked. “Protect ourselves and let him pick off those who can’t?”  
“Back off Sirius,” Remus scolded, putting his hand on Peter’s shoulder. “Peter just lost somebody. Don’t tell him how he’s supposed to feel.”  
“I—“ Sirius said, then broke off at Remus’ hard gaze. “Sorry Pete. I’m sorry about Wendell too.”  
“Thanks,” Peter said.  
“Do you want a pumpkin pasty?” James asked uncertainly. “Or Bertie Botts? I’ve got loads of whatever you want.”  
“Thanks,” Peter said, reaching out for a box of Bertie Botts. “What did you do this summer?”  
“Stayed at Godric’s Hollow,” James said. “Pretty boring, but Sirius and I found a few ways to amuse ourselves. And we’ve made great strides in the animagus area. I can get a lot of the parts on their own, but not all together.”  
“That’s supposed to be the hardest part,” Remus said. “And then you have to be able to stay in animal form for some time. And change back,” he added, looking pointedly at Sirius.  
“No paws,” Sirius said, holding up his human hands. “I’ve learned my lesson.”  
“Good,” Remus said. “Because I broke my leg again this summer, so you’d best hurry up and learn to transform befor I break my neck.”  
“You’re not scolding us?” James said, shocked. “I thought you didn’t approve.”  
“I don’t,” Remus said, slowly. “But seeing as I can’t stop you, I figure I may as well enjoy the benefits. Nothing’s gone terribly wrong yet, so things might actually work out. I still think this is the maddest idea you’ve had.”  
“Worse than using levicorpus on Mrs. Norris?” James asked. “Or trying to break the Slytherin hour glass and stealing all their house points.”  
“Seeing as the latter failed and got you four detentions, I think it’s more stupid than mad, and everyone wants to jinx that cat. And I like cats.”  
“Don’t tell me you like cats more than dogs,” Sirius said. “Dog is a man’s best friend.”  
“As a wolf I have to choose dogs as a matter of principle,” Remus said. “But an untrained dog is a nightmare.”  
“Do you want me to come when you call and sit for treats?” Sirius asked, grinning. “Because I only accept alcohol and cigarettes.”  
“Will you settle for this?” Remus asked, taking a bag from his trunk.  
“Is that weed?” Sirius asked, snatching the bag from Remus’ hands.  
“Yes,” Remus said. “And better than that shit we bought off Mundungus last year. I took as much as I thought I could without my Dad noticing. So I delivered on the fireworks and the drugs. What have you got?”  
“Peruvian instant darkness powder,” James said, holding up a tightly sealed box. “Just drop some of this in a room and nobody will be able to see a thing, allowing us to carry out all the mischief we want.”  
“Yes,” Sirius said, but we already have a cloak for that, and how are we supposed to make mischief if we can’t see?”  
“I see your point,’ James said. “But we’ve gotten taller, and the cloak isn’t growing with us.”  
“I don’t know about that,” Remus said. “It could be one of it’s properties, because as much as we worry about it, Filch hasn’t seen our feet, even when we’ve been forced to make a hasty exit.”  
“True,” James said, looking at his darkness powder. “But we only have one cloak, and now we have the means for a two-pronged attack.”  
“That’s useful,” Sirius conceded. “But I have a solution to our transportation issues. You see, my uncle Alphard gave me an owl over the summer, so I figure, we send him off with Remus’ fireworks and have him deliver to a hidden place in Hogsmeade, and then pick it up later.”  
“An owl?” James said. “Peter already has one.”  
“Yes, but does he have a Great Grey owl?” Sirius said, crossing the compartment to open the window, and let one of the largest owls Remus had ever seen into the compartment.  
“Cool,” James said, reaching out to stroke Sirius’ owl. “What’d you call him?”  
“Shadow,” Sirius answered, clearly very proud of his bird. “He is very smart, and I think he will be more than capable of carrying those fireworks.”  
“Alright,” Remus said, handing over his package. “But what will we do when we get them onto the grounds? Hide them in the dorms? You know they’re searching our rooms regularly. And we may be able to hide weed and cigarettes in our socks, or stash a bottle of firewhiskey in an empty boot, but there’s no way we’ll hide all those fireworks. We need somewhere to hide them.  
“How about the shak?” James said.  
“No,” Remus said immediately.  
“No, it’s perfect,” James said. “We’ll hide them in the passageway, somewhere you won’t go during transformations, and then we can pick them up when we need to use them. We’re probably going to be setting them off on the grounds anyway.”  
“I don’t know,” Remus said uneasily. “I don’t want you guys going in there.”  
“It’s not actually haunted,” James said. “You won’t have to go with us; We’ll levitate a stick or something and go without you.”  
“Alright,” Remus sighed, “But be careful around that thing, and make sure nobody sees you. If anybody goes down there on a full moon it would be horrible.”  
“Trust us,” James said. “We won’t do anything stupid. We know how serious it is.”  
“Very serious,” Sirius joked. 

Later that night the four boys sat on the floor of their dormitory, trying to roll their first joints. “How’s this one,” James said, picking up a misshaped roll as the weed promptly fell out. “Never mind,” he muttered, trying to gather up the contents of his failed joint.  
“Volvis,” Remus said, tapping the rolling paper with his wand and watching it neatly roll into a cigarette shape.  
“Show off,” James grumbled as Sirius picked it up and lit it with his wand.  
“You first,” he said, handing the smoking joint to Remus, who took it and inhaled slowly. A few moments later he felt suddenly lighter and looked around at his friends as if he was seeing them for the first time.  
“Whoa,” he said, looking around the room. “This is great.” Suddenly everything seemed funny, and he broke out laughing.  
“Give me that,” James said, taking the joint from Remus. A few moments after inhaled he caught Remus’ eye and they both broke out laughing again. Peter choked on his first drag, which only added to the laughter. After taking his first drag Sirius lay back on the floor, staring at the ceiling for a few moments, then joined the laughter.  
Once he had recovered from his coughing fit, Peter managed to say, “Food.” Remus had never heard such a good idea in his life. When he bit into a chocolate frog, he felt like he was tasting chocolate for the first time, and it was even better than usual.  
“I think Moony just had a chocolate orgasm,” James jokes, looking at Remus’ blissful expression.  
“Mm,” Remus moaned. “More fudge.”  
“More wizzing fizbies,” Sirius said, then dissolved back into hysterical laughter. “I mean fizzing wizbies. Wizzing fizbees. So funny.”  
“Yeah mate,” James said, blowing out smoke. “You whiz those fizbees.”  
Over the next four hours several more joints later, the marauders ate all of their candy, played the radio and sang so loudly the prefects had to tell them off, and discovered that exploding snap is even more fun when high.  
Remus was feeling himself come down, and wanted most of all to go to bed, but Sirius, who had characteristically smoked more than the others was still enjoying his high. “Remus, come dance with me,” he said, holding his hand out.  
“Alright Padsfoot,” Remus said, taking Sirius’ hand. Sirius pulled him in closer than he had ecpected and spun him around, laughing. Remus’ breath caught in his throat. Being this close to Sirius always made his head a little fuzzy, and with the drugs he felt practically weak at the knees. All he could think about was Sirius’ body pressed against him, his smile, his eyes alive with laughter. As his spun his friend around again and grabbed his hip, Sirius caught Remus’ eyes and for a moment Remus thought that Sirius was feeling what he was feeling, that the sparkling energy went both ways. Sirius’ breath was ragged, his pupils dilated, and his scent had changes perceptibly, a sort of animal hunger. With a click the cassette finished, and Remus was standing facing his friend, still catching his breath, wondering if that last moment had all been in his head, or if it was just the weed. After a moment of two, Sirius grinned, and before Remus knew what was coming, his friend leaned forward, kissed him full on the lips, and, laughing went back to his bed where he collapsed face first.  
Remus exchanged a bewildered look with James and Peter who burst out laughing. Forcing himself to join in his friends’ mirth, Remus said, “We’d best get to sleep before you and Peter start snogging.”  
“Yeah,” James said, changing into his pajamas. “But that was pretty funny. You should have seen your face.”  
“Yeah,” Remus said, climbing into his bed and drawing his hangings. “Yeah, pretty funny. Goodnight.” Remus forced himself to wait until he heard James’ soft snores before he muttered a silencing charm and slipped his hand down his pajama bottoms.  
He wanted so desperately to taste Sirius again, hold him close, touch his body. And there had been that moment, for one crazy second when Sirius had looked at him with the same desire, eyes wide, making an innocent dance feel like seduction. Had Remus imagined it? Or did Sirius feel some of what he felt, did he ever lay awake, touching himself this way, thinking of Remus, thinking of touching him instead? This last though sent Remus over the edge, and he came imagining Sirius in the next bed in the same moment of pleasure. But it was all stupid. Sirius was probably having a laugh, maybe experimenting a little. Why else would he have done it with James and Peter watching? He had been high, and Remus couldn’t read anything in to what he had done. It was just the drugs and the music, and teenage hormones. Remus was a shy, awkward, plain werewolf, while Sirius was handsome, popular, and his body was whole and unmarked. Well, mostly unmarked, Remus said to himself, remembering those lashes Sirius had gotten last Christmas. Beneath all his charm and laughter, Sirius hid his own scars, scars that lay beneath his skin.

“Morning,” Sirius said, sitting down at the breakfast, as James burst into laughter. “What?” He asked.  
“Still laughing about what happened last night,” James said, between chuckles.  
“What?” Sirius asked. “Did I do something dumb? I don’t properly remember what happened. I remember hiding all of Peter’s underwear, but after that it sort of goes blank. I must have been pretty high.”  
“So high you kissed Remus,” James said, practically giggling, and drawing a fair bit of attention, though nobody was close enough to hear what he was saying. Most Gryffindors kept a healthy distance from the marauders when they were in this good of a mood as it general meant you were soon to be on the receiving end of a prank.  
“I did what?” Sirius spluttered, a look of horror on his face.  
“You kissed him,” Peter said. “On the lips.”  
“No tongue though,” James clarified.  
“Fuck,” Sirius said, then turned to Remus, looking absolutely mortified. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me.”  
“A great deal of marijuana,” Remus answered. “Don’t worry about it: it’s no big deal. We all do stupid things when we’re high, right? Anyways, it wasn’t too bad, and at least we’ve beaten James and Peter to getting our first kiss.”  
“It doesn’t count,” James insisted. “Sirius didn’t really mean it.”  
“Of course not,” Sirius said. “It didn’t mean anything.”  
“No it didn’t,” Remus agreed, trying to look amused rather than heartbroken. It was a drug-induced mistake, nothing more, and he had been silly to thinking anything else. 

“Moony,” James and Sirius called, running up the stairs two at a time to their shared dormitory to find their friend sitting up in his bed, sewing a patching into the knees of his second-hand jeans.  
“Hello,” Remus said, exhausted. “You aren’t usually this excited after a detention. Did you have to go into the forest and battle dragons or something?”  
“No,” James said. “MaGonagall had us organizing all those cards with spells and curses on them, alphabetizing and inking in any faded words, and we found this.” James proudly handing his friend a small, bent and yellowing card.  
“Homunculus charm,” Remus read. “Used to show the movements of a person or ghost on a map.”  
“Isn’t it brilliant,” Sirius said, rummaging in his trunk for their old map. “This thing has been mostly useless now we’ve found all the passages, but now we can use it to find out if Filch or a teacher is around, and go undetected. Do you see how brilliant this is?”  
“Yes,” Remus said, hesitantly. “But this is rated as NEWT level magic, and did you seriously nick something during your detention?”  
“Well, yes,” James said, “But ends justify the means, and besides the detention was bullshit anyway. I mean, what did we do wrong really?”  
“You set fireworks off out our window,” Remus said. “Which, luckily McGonagall believed I had nothing to do with, or I would have been stuck there with you. But I take your point, with this charm. If we can figure it out, it will certainly expand the possibilities. I wonder if it would damage the map if we did it wrong.” Sirius pulled the map away slightly, as if to protect it from potential spell damage.  
“Well you’re the best at charms of any of us,” James said ingratiatingly. “So maybe once you’ve gotten your strength back after the full moon you can try. I mean, if it does damage the map I’m sure we can get another from Filch’s office—Merlin knows we’re in there often enough—and as we have the routes memorized, it shouldn’t take too long to duplicate.”  
“Easy for you to say,” Sirius said. “Remus, Peter and I did most of it during your quidditch practices. That took the best part of two years. And now we’re working on becoming animagi as well.”  
“You’re afraid of the risk?” James asked. “Padfoot being more cautious than Moony? This is a new record.”  
“I’m not scared,” Sirius said, “I’m just protective. Not that I don’t trust Remus’ charming ability.”  
“Yes, he’s very charming,” James said. “He just charmed that kiss right out of you.”  
“No,” Sirius said, defensively. “That was just a joke.”  
“Whatever,” James said.  
“We’d better get started on our homework,” Remus said to calm his friends down. “Have either of you started your transfiguration essay? I’ve got eight inches of parchment done.”

After class Sirius found himself running up the stairs to his dormitory for the purpose of putting his things away, and not because he wanted to see Remus—not at all. And if he did, it was because he was worried about his friend, who had refused to miss class before a full moon every month until this one. When he threw open the door he had expected his friend to be asleep in bed, not stark naked in the middle of the room, brushing his hair.  
“Shit,” Remus said, snatching his boxers from the bed and pulling them on hurriedly. “Sorry, I didn’t expect you and James and Peter back until after your detention, so I was just…”  
“Walking around the room starkers?” Sirius asked, amused—and not the least bit turned on—by his friend’s nudity. “It’s not that big of a deal. We’ve all got the same parts.”  
“Yes, well you don’t have these,” Remus said, gesturing to his scars. “Not exactly something I want to show-off.”  
“I don’t know, I think it makes you look kind of tough,” Sirius said, trying not to let Remus see him flush as he said it. “I mean, I’m sure plenty of girls will think it’s hot. They’ll think you’re dangerous or something.”  
“I don’t think lycanthropy is a turn on for many people,” Remus said, sitting down, and Sirius noticed for the first time how exhausted his friend looked. This month must be a bad one, but Remus would never say a word.  
“Well,” he said, trying not to look at Remus’ nipples, or his flat abs, or the hair leading down from his navel into his shorts, or his green eyes that Sirius thought he could spend all day looking into if only he could do so without his friend noticing. It broke his heart how Remus would never see the good things about himself, from his body to his genuine kindness. Everything about his view of himself was tainted by the wolf; the wolf that, as far as Sirius was concerned had little and less to do with Remus himself. He wanted to tell Remus that he was gorgeous, that all Sirius wanted to do was be around him, that he couldn’t stop thinking about him, but even Sirius wasn’t even supposed to be having these thoughts. He had spent the whole summer trying not to think of Remus, hating every dream he had about his friend, all the feelings he had not just for Remus, but the way he felt when he looked at other boys or men, when he got to thinking about how he wanted to touch his friend, be touched, and then…  
“Gotta go,” Sirius said, standing up quickly. “Don’t want to be late for detention.”  
“Okay,” Remus said, looking a little confused as his friend hurried from the room, wondering what he had said wrong.  
Sirius rushed out of Gryffindor common room and into the first hidden passageway he could find and unzipped his pants. I shouldn’t be doing this he thought as he pumped his hand up and down. This is wrong he said to himself, but he desperately needed release. He wanted Remus, he wanted him in every way possible. No, he thought, and tried to think of girls, Mary MacDonald, or Professor Halford, or somebody with tits, but it was no good. Images of Remus kept coming back, and his mind kept playing a scenario where James and Peter had not been there that night a few months ago when he had kissed Remus. In this fantasy he had kissed Remus harder and deeper, tasting his mouth, pushing him down onto his bed, pulling his clothes off, kissing his mouth, his throat, his chest, kissing him lower and lower, and…  
Fuck. Sirius said, wiping his hand off on the inside of his cloak and buttoning his trousers back up. Fuck, he thought again, hitting his head against the stone wall. This is so wrong, it’s disgusting. If Remus knew what I was thinking he’d never speak to me again. Fuck. Pulling his wand out of his pocket, he held whispered “Sectumsempra” and watched a cut slowly open up on his arm. As he watched the blood well up he suddenly felt very far away from himself, and he no longer had to think about what he had just done; he had been punished now. Wiping his arm off on robes too, he smoothed his hair back and hurried to McGonagall’s detention. He was already going to be late for detention when he stopped short, seeing Snape in his path.  
“Snivellus,” He said, trying to push past the smaller boy.  
“What, not in the mood to play?” Snape asked, following Sirius. “You’re happy enough to he me when you’ve got one or two of your friends by your side. Not so brave now are you Black?”  
“What do you want Snivellus?” Sirius said. Snape was the last person he wanted to deal with right now.  
“I want to know where you and your friends have been sneaking off to,” Snape said. “I don’t need you to tell me--I’ll find out on my own—but you should know I’m on to you. I’m going to figure out what you and your friends are doing, and then I’m going to get you expelled.”  
“Fuck off,” Sirius said, pushing Snape away from him.  
“I’m going to find out what’s wrong with your little friend Lupin,” Snape said, causing Sirius to turn around and face him. “What is it that makes you like him? How did the freak get into the popular kids’ club? Does he suck your cock or something?” Snape mocked.  
“Shut the fuck up,” Sirius said threateningly as he pulled his wand out.  
“Going to hex me?” Snape asked, pulling out his wand as well. “Go on ahead, but I’m going to find out the freak’s secret, and then I’m going to tell everyone, and then it’s going to be over to him.”  
“You little fuck,” Sirius roared, striding towards Snape until his face was inches from Snape’s. “You want to know what we’re doing? Go to the whomping willow tonight. Just levitate a stick and use it to tap the knot at the base of the biggest root and it will freeze right up. I hope what you see satisfies you.” Sirius made to walk away, but turned around and hexed Snape for good measure, then, fuming, ran into his detention twenty minutes late.  
“What’s going on mate?” James asked as soon as McGonagall left the room.  
“Nothing,” Sirius said, but he was beginning to realize that he had made a terrible mistake. Tell a teacher said a voice in his head—a voice that sounded similar to Remus’ constant cautions and warning. Fuck him, he deserves whatever he gets, said another voice. But Remus doesn’t, said another voice, you know if anything happens he’ll be in trouble. Well that would be one less thing to worry about, said another savage voice, Remus is the whole problem, always looking at you the way he does. He’s the reason for all this confusion. If he wasn’t here, you would stop having these feeling, these thoughts.  
“Seriously mate, is something wrong?” James asked.  
“It’s fine,” Sirius said, turning back to the next spell card. Snivelly will probably just go back to his dorm and sulk. Nothing’s going to happen. Even if he tried, he probably couldn’t get past the willow. It took James and you a long time to get that knot, and that was during the day.  
Sirius thoughts kept troubling him the whole hour, but he didn’t care about McGonagall’s lecture on being late and under-productive—he hardly even heard it. He knew he had made a terrible mistake, and he knew he should tell her what he had done, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He could not admit that he had done what he did, and only hoped Snape would have the sense to steer clear. But he should have known Snape wouldn’t.  
“Why don’t we head out and take a look at those constellations for astronomy,” James suggested, walking towards the grounds.  
“No,” Sirius blurted out. “Let’s go to the astronomy tower instead.”  
“With all those stairs?” Peter asked. “No, let’s go to the grounds.”  
Sirius was starting to panic as he followed James and Peter onto the grounds, and was hoping desperately that nothing would come of his mistake.  
“Where the hell are the Pleiades,” James asked, scanning the sky.  
“Follow Orion’s bow,” Sirius said, glancing sideways at the willow to see a dark figure making it’s way towards the tree.  
“Is that somebody going to the willow?” Peter asked, pointing to Snape.  
“Damn,” James said, laughing. “We’d better stop them before they get whomped.”  
“They won’t,” Sirius said, sick with panic. “It’s Snape. I—I did something really stupid.”  
“What did you do?” James asked slowly, his voice full of anger and fear.  
“I told him how to get past the willow,” Sirius burst out, then felt the crushing weight of what he had done. “I know it was wrong, I know…”  
“Fuck,” James said, tearing off in the direction of the willow. “Peter, get a teacher.”  
Peter shot Sirius an incredulous look and ran off in the direction of Hagrid’s cabin, leaving Sirius burning with shame. Snape could get seriously hurt, and if he got bitten… Remus would never forgive him, would probably not forgive him anyway. Realizing he had just done the worst thing he could possibly do to the person he loved and realizing he loved Remus, Sirius sat down, all the breath gone from his chest. He couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t remember how to get air into his lungs. What had he done? If Remus hurt Severus he could go to Azkaban, he could be tried for murder, and Severus… well, Sirius couldn’t say he liked him, but how many times had Remus told him that nobody deserved his life? And if he died, would that make Sirius a murderer? Would he, at fifteen, be responsible for another person’s death? What had he done?

“Sirius?”  
Sirius looked up to see Hagrid, who was clapping him very hard on the back. He was being half dragged, half carried, though the hallways, not sure where Hagrid was taking him. Was he going to Azkaban? At this thought he struggled to breathe again, and Hagrid gave him another clap on the back that almost knocked him off his feet. Taking in a deep breath, he started talking withoutreally knowing what he was saying. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt, I just got to so angry, and I told Snape how to get into the passage, and it’s not remus’ fault, it’s all mine, it’s all my fault, I know I’ve screwed everything up, please, tell me nobody was hurt, please.”  
“Sirius,” said a calm voice beside him, and Sirius looked around to see Albus Dumbledore, and realized he was in the Headmaster’s office with Professor McGonagall, Professor Slughorn, and the Minister of Magaic. With a mixture of fear and relief, he also saw Snape, looking very whole, as well as James and Peter.  
“Sirius,” Dumbledore repeated. “What you did was very serious. Had James not stopped Snape from getting too close to remus, the consequences would have been severe.”  
“I know,” Sirius said, not caring that he was crying, but he couldn’t stop sobbing. The shame and fear and anxiety were too overwhelming. “I know, just please, it’s not Remus’ fault, he didn’t know, don’t make him leave, it’s all my fault. Punish me, it’s all my fault, not his.”  
“We know,” Dumbledore said gently. “Remus will not be punished.” The Minister shifted uncomfortably at this as if he disagreed, but did not say anything. “But he would have been if your actions had led to Severus being injured in any way. You understand this?”  
“Yes,” Sirius said, miserably. “I know.” It was almost too much to understand how disastrous it could have been. He could have sent his best friend to Azkaban, maybe even gotten him executed. At this thought his sobs turned hysterical again, and Dumbledore pressed a cup of tea that smelled strongly of peppermint into his hand.  
“Drink this,” He said, then waited until Sirius had collected himself again. “What you have done is unacceptable, and by any standards worthy of explusion.”  
“I know,” Sirius whispered, the dread sinking in. Being expelled would mean going home, and he could not imagine the punishments his parents would have in store for him for the next two years. But he would deserve it all, whatever it was, he knew he would deserve it after what he had done. “Sirius,” Dumbledore said again. “We are not going to have you expelled.”  
“Really?’ Sirius asked, incredulous. Severus made a noise in protest, and James made some sort of convulsive movement.  
“No,” Dumbledore said, though he did not look entirely happy about it.  
“Your family has done great services to the Ministry over the years,” Adalbert said slowly. “And as no harm was actually done, we can be somewhat lenient with you. We also believe that having a werewolf on this campus poses significant risks that are too great for children to be responsible for.”  
“But you won’t send Remus away,” Sirius blurted out. “If it means you need to expel me, expel me, just don’t send him away.”  
“The issue of the werewolf is not under my jurisdiction, unfortunately,” Adalbert said, shooting Dumbledore a resentful look. “At least, not as long as he follows all guideline to ensure the safety of others. As it is, however, the Ministry is in support of you continuing your education. Dumbledore is seeing to the consequences of you actions as he sees fit.”  
“Yes sir,” Sirius said, relieved that he was staying and that Remus could stay as well, though he had no idea how Remus would ever look at him again.  
“As for punishment,” Dumbledore said. “You will have no Hogsmeade visits for the rest of the year, and you will sit a detention every night until the end of term, and then two night every week until the end of the year.”  
“Yes sir,” Sirius said, hardly caring about something as inconsequential as a detention and Hogsmeade visits.  
“and any more rulebreaking this year could well lead to your expulsion,” Dumbledore continued. “If you want to keep your place in Hogwarts, we expect you to earn it. Consider yourself on probation. If you act according to these terms for the year you will be permitted to return. If not, we will not hesitate to send you home. Do you understand?”  
“Yes sir,” Sirius said. “Thank you. I’m so sorry.”  
“We understand,” Dumbledore said, looking exhausted as he said this. “Your remorse is admirable, but I’m afraid this situation may be beyond apologies. At least, I imagine it may be for Mr. Lupin.” Sirius nodded, sure he had just lost his best friend.  
“As for Severus,” Dumbledore said, turning to Snape. “What you did was incredibly foolish, and had Potter not stopped you from entering the shack—“  
“He didn’t,” Snape drawled. “I saw what he is—I saw the werewolf. There’s no way he’s staying here once people know what he is.”  
“Severus, this isn’t necessary,” Dumbledore said firmly. “What happened was not Remus’ fault, and you will not tell anybody what you saw if you wish to remain at Hogwarts.”  
“You’re threatening to expel me?” Snape demanded. “You let that thing study here, and you let Black stay because his mummy and daddy gave the ministry money, but I might get expelled because I know what he is? How do I know he wasn’t in on it? I mean, he’s a werewolf for Heaven’s sake! Werewolves attack people: it’s what they do.”  
“I am confident that Mr. Lupin had no knowledge of this, nor would he have approved. As for you, the whomping willow has been off-limits to students since it was planted,” Dumbledore said. “For you to enter put yourself in danger, as well as Mr. Lupin. You broke school rules just as much as Sirius did, more, in fact, as you actually trespassed, though I suspect Black may have spoken from personal experience. That aside, you will be joining Black in every detention this year. Whatever wuarrell you have with him and Potter, you will settle. These are dark times for all wizards, and I will not have you endangering one another needlessly. Do you understand?”  
“Yes… sir,” Snape said, looking mutinous. He turned to Slughorn for help, you merely shrugged helplessly.  
“You may all go back to your dormitories,” Dumbledore said, dismissing all four boys. “And if any one of you speaks about this incident you will be expelled. Goodnight.”

“I can’t believe you,” James said as soon as Sirius shut the dormitory door behind him. “You could you do something this stupid.”  
“I know,” Sirius said, sinking down onto his bed. “James, I know. I feel sick about it… I just got so angry at Snape. He was saying awful things about Remus, and I thought it would serve him right, you know?”  
“And what about Remus?” James demanded, his voice raised to a yell. “Did you think about him? Not enough to tell McGonagall the whole hour you wee in detention with her. Merlin’s beard Sirius! I hate the slimy git, but I wouldn’t put this grudge before Remus. He could have been sentenced to Azkaban, or executed. You could have killed your best friend. DO you understand that?”  
“I know,” Sirius shouted, in tears again. “I know what I did, and I know how awful it is, and I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I’m horrible, I know. I just… I just don’t know how to make it right. I need to make it right.” Sirius sank back down onto his bed and buried his face in his hands. “Do you think Remus will ever forgive me?”  
“I don’t know,” James said, softening a little and sitting opposite Sirius as Peter hovered behind him. “But it’s going to take a long time. I reckon you should just say you’re sorry and leave him alone. He doesn’t get angry often, but I doubt he’ll want anything to do with you. You really fucked this one up.”  
“I know,” Sirius moaned. “But I need him to forgive me, James. I need him.”

When he woke up Remus felt even more exhausted than usual. This transformation had been a difficult one. He didn’t have any injuries, just a few scratches, but leading up to this month had been hell. His fever had gotten so high Madame Pomfrey had forced him to miss class, and now he felt completely empty of any strength. Still, he didn’t want to make Madame Pomfrey come and get him—not when half the campus had the flu—so his pulled himself unsteadily to his feet and got dressed and made his way down to the passage back to campus.  
He immediately noticed that something didn’t smell quite right. He recognized the scent of somebody—James! Remus’ heart thumped. What could James have been doing down here? It smelled fresh, but Remus supposed James could have come down earlier yesterday to collect some contraband, but there was something else… somebody else. When Remus recognized the scent of Severus Snape, his heart stopped. After a few seconds of cold dread he went into panic mode. If Snape had been down here, he could have been hurt, but there was no blood. Had it happened somewhere else? Had he hurt james too? Summoning strength he didn’t know he had, Remus was running throughout the shack, desperately searching for blood, but nothing. Their scent stopped just at the magical barried that the wolf couldn’t cross. Could Snape have followed him and been stopped by James. Anxious for answeres, Remus stumbled down the passageway back to the willow, barely holding himself up. Please he though, please tell me nobody got hurt.  
“Hagrid?” He cried as soon as he saw the familiar figure. “Hagrid what happened. Did anybody get hurt. Tell me I haven’t hurt anybody.”  
“Remus,” Hagrid said, catching a hold of the boy before he fell over. “Everybody is fine. Come with me, you need the hospital wing.”  
“I need to know what happened,” Remus insisted. “Please, tell me what happened.”  
“Dumbledore will explain everything,” Hagrid said, picking Remus up and hurrying him to the hospital wing. He’s waiting for you. Everything’s fine: nobody got hurt.”  
“Tell me what happened,” Remus insisted, starting to feel dizzy. He knew he was getting delirious—it had happened before when he had over-exerted himself—but he didn’t care. He needed to know. “Am I in trouble? Did anyone find out about me? Will I have to leave Hogwarts?”  
“You’re staying here,” Hagrid said, pushing open the door to the hospital wing, where Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey were waiting. Madame Pomfrey would not let Remus talk to Dumbledore until she had inspected him and determined he was not seriously hurt, then Dumbledore pulled aside the hangings, and, muttering a silencing charm, sat down by Remus’ bed.  
“Headmaster, I don’t understand what’s happened,” Remus said.  
“I will explain everything,” Dumbledore said, looking at Remus with his pale blue eyes. “Though I imagine this will not be easy for you to hear. Last night Severus and Sirius got in some sort of an argument. It seems Severus has been suspicious about your frequent illnesses, and confronted Sirius, demanding an explanation. It seems things got very heated, because in anger Sirius told him how to get past the whomping willow and into the shack.”  
“I don’t understand,” Remus said, when Dumbledore paused. “That doesn’t make sense. Sirius wouldn’t do that. He knows I would attack anyone who came through that tunnel.”  
“I think, in his anger, Sirius hoped that Severus would get hurt,” Dumbledore said. “And Severus went down the tunnel, only to be stopped by James. When James found out what Sirius had done, he followed Snape down the tunnel and prevented him from encountering the wolf. Severus did, however, see you in wolf form, and he and James barely made it to safety in time. Severus has agreed not to tell anybody about what he saw, so you will be able to stay here without anybody knowing about your condition.”  
“How close did I get?” Remus demanded. “How close did I get to hurting him?”  
“From what he and James have said, they missed the wolf by a matter of inches, and James was forced to use several stunning spells. Of course a werewolf cannot be easily stunned, only hindered, but…”  
“A few inches,” Remus said not hearing any of what Dumbledore had said. “I was a few inches away from infecting somebody.”  
“It was a close call,” Dumbledore admitted, “But it was not your fault.”  
“Not my fault?” Remus shouted, sitting up straight. “I could have killed somebody. I almost did, and I would have if James hadn’t stopped me. I could have ended another person—two other people’s live—or infected them. DO you think I care if it was my fault? That wouldn’t matter if there had had been a few inches difference, would it?”  
“What matters is that you did all you could to prevent these things,” Dumbledore insisted. “This was not your responsibility. We should have had teachers posted nearby to make sure nobody entered the tunnel. If this is anybody’s fault, it is my own. We knew your friends were aware of your condition: we could have guessed they would figure out how you transform. James has assured us you did not tell them anything, that they figured it out on their own, but we should have known such information was too much for children to be responsible for.”  
“It’s not your fault,” Remus said, something inside him turning very cold and very hard. “It was Sirius. He was the one who told Snape where to go. He knew Snape would take the bait, and he knew what it would mean for me. I—I trusted him.” Remus choked on the last few words and covered his face with his hands. “That was so stupid of me,” he said. “I should have known. He never thinks.”  
“We all make mistakes,” Dumbledore said. “I believe Sirius is truly remorseful about his actions.”  
“Remorse only goes so far,” Remus said coldly, looking at Dumbledore to challenge him, but Dumbledore only smiled sadly.  
“You’ve had a difficult night and difficult news,” he said, standing up. “Professor Slughorn has made you a sleeping potion: Madame Pomfrey will bring it out for you. Have some rest, and then you can think about things later. I will be writing your parents and informing them about what has happened. But you should know that nobody blames you for what almost happened last night. Get some rest.”  
Laying back down onto his bed, Remus felt a rush of emotions swirling through his head, too many to count, or process. All he knew was that Sirius, his friend, the person he trusted most at Hogwarts had betrayed him in the worst way possible.

Remus ate dinner in the hospital wing, but decided he could not avoid the inevitable forever. He would have to go back to Gryffindor tower and see Sirius eventually. He considered asking McGonagall if he could sleep somewhere else, anywhere else, even with the first-years, but he supposed he would be seeing Sirius in class anyway. He didn’t even know how James or Peter would react. James had tried to save Snape, who he hated, and Peter would take whatever stance James took, so Remus felt hopeful he would still have at least two friends. When he left the hospital wing, however, he saw the last person in the world he wanted to see: Sirius Black.  
“What are you doing here?” Remus demanded.  
“Look, Remus, I’m really sorry. I don’t know why I did what I did, I just got so upset with Snivellus, and he was saying pretty awful things about you too, and I just sort of snapped.”  
“So you did all of this for me?” Remus asked, trying to storm away from Sirius, but he was not very strong, and Sirius could keep pace with him easily.  
“No, I just mean I wasn’t thinking,” Sirius said feebly. “I regret it so much, and I just want to make it up to you.”  
“There’s no making this up.” Remus said angrily. “You did the worst thing you possibly could have done. I trusted you! I told you things I’ve never told anybody else, I though you were my friend.”  
“I am,” Sirius cried, actually cried. “But he was going to find out about you, and then he would have told everybody what you are. That’s what you’re afraid of right? I couldn’t let that happen to you.”  
“You don’t know me at all,” remus screamed, then, careful to keep his voice down, said. “I don’t want people to find out who I am, but that’s not what scares me most. What scares me most is doing what Greyback did to me. Hurting somebody else, cursing somebody else with living like this, because it’s horrible. I hate my life, Sirius, and I could never forgive myself for ruining somebody else’s, even somebody I hate. And you put me in a position to do just that. Do you know everytime I wake up I’m terrified to see a body next to me? Terrified of what I am on those nights? But I trusted you, I felt safe because I thought you and James and Pete would always have my back. But what am I to you? Some weapon, just a means to an end? Well I’m sorry I didn’t successfully kill somebody who upset you. I guess that’s all I mean to you.”  
“No, Remus, that’s not true,” Sirius said. “Remus, I know what I did is unforgivable, but I need you. You’re my best mate. I’m so sorry. Just tell me what to do and I’ll make it right, I promise.” Sirius stepped in front of the portrait of the fat lady, and actually fell to his knees. “Please,” he said again. “Please, I’m so sorry.”  
For a moment Remus wished he could just pick his friend up, pretend nothing had happened and keep going like they had before. But that was over. Sirius wasn’t his friend any more: he had betrayed him. “Fuck you and your apologies Sirius Black,” Remus said, pushing his friend aside to clamber into the portrait hole. “I never want to speak to you again. Looking at you makes me sick. Just leave me the fuck alone.”  
When he walked through Gryffindor common room Remus knew that everyone was staring at him, but he didn’t care. They didn’t matter, they would never understand. Nobody would ever understand. Ignoring James and Peter, Remus fell into his bed, slammed the hangings shut, placed a silencing charm and cried harder than he ever had in his life. He had almost killed somebody, and he had lost his best friend. Each sob shook his body with a force he would not believe. He felt that all the good things, all the happiness of the last three and a half years had just turned to ashes in his mouth and he was left with nothing, empty and alone. 

The next morning Remus sat at his usual seat at the breakfast table, but pointedly avoided Sirius’ gaze. James put in a few attempts at conversations, all of which died quickly as neither Remus nor Sirius would speak. Once he had finished eating as quickly as possible, Remus left the great hall and went to charms early to start on his homework. When the first bell rang half an hour later, Peter, James and Sirius walked in together towards the usual table, then paused. James and Peter sat down, but as soon as Sirius took his seat Remus gathered up his books and stood up.  
“Come on Remus,” James said, “Can’t you at least sit near him?”  
“No,” Remus said. “No, I cant. But don’t let me ruin the fun.” Turning away from his friends, Remus found a seat at the back of the room and sat down, fuming. He was grateful to James for what he had done, but if his company meant Sirius’ presence, then Remus would have to lose that friend too.  
“Remus?”  
Remus looked up to see Lily standing by his desk.  
“What?” he asked.  
“Can I sit here?” she asked, gesturing to the empty seat next to him.  
“Sure,” he said. Her friends Mary MacDonald and Marlene McKinnon gave her a nervous look, but sat down next to her anyway.  
“Why are you and Sirius fighting?” She asked.  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Remus said savagely.  
“Alright,” Lily sighed, and spent the hour chatting with her friends and practicing summoning charms while Remus practices on his own and watched Sirius joking and laughin with James as if nothing had happened. As if he had not just done the unforgivable. It seemed unfair that he was allowed to be happy. How sorry could he really be?

Over the next week Remus spent most of his time in his bed reading or studying, and avoiding Sirius. He was writing his History of Magic essay when James knocked on the door.  
“It’s your room,” Remus said, when he came in. “You don’t need to knock.”  
“I just didn’t want to disturb your sulking,” James said, sitting at the end of Remus’ bed. “Come out into the common room and do your work with me.”  
“Is Sirius there?” remus asked.  
“Yes, but he won’t talk to you or anything. You can just pretend he isn’t there. Come on, I want to hang out with you.”  
“You want me to correct, and by that you mean write your essay for you,” Remus snapped.  
“It’s not like that,” James said, stung by the accusation. “Look, I want to be friends with you, but I’m still friends with Sirius. I know he made a mistake, but he’s really sorry.”  
“Don’t defend him in front of me,” Remus said.  
“Look, I just don’t want to have to choose between my two best friend,” James said.  
“Well we both know you’d choose him anyway,” Remus said, feeling the burning in his throat that meant he would cry soon. “It was stupid of me, you know, to think I could have friends, like normal people do. You should go, be with your real friends: I’m better off alone.”  
Looking shocked, James stood up and left the room, but turning at the door said, “Look, mate, that’s just not how it is. I care about you. I care about both of you.”  
Groaning, Remus lay back down on his bed and lit a cigarette. He didn’t want to think about how much he missed his friends, how much he missed Sirius, how much pain he was in. He just wanted to sleep again. Sleep, and not dream about his worst fears where he hurt somebody, infected somebody, where he was the wolf, and the four-year-old child in the bed was somebody else. 

The weekend before term ended was a Hogsmeade visit, which Remus had planned to spend in the library, but realizing Sirius would not be going, decided to go so as to be sure he would not see him. He had snuck to the Hog’s Head for firewhiskey—he had been drinking a great deal more lately—and wandered out to the hallside behind the village. As he was at the end of the lane, he heard James call his name. Stopping, he turned and waited for his friend to catch up.  
“Remus,” James said, panting. “I was looking all over for you. Do you want to go on a walk?”  
“Where’s Peter?” Remus asked.  
“Managed to get to Madame Puddifoots with Janet,” James said, grinning, then said, “He misses you too Remus. We all do.”  
Remus started to say something, then realized one of his friends was on his first date and he hadn’t even known about it. “I miss you too Prongs,” he said at last, giving in to the smallest of smiles. “And Merlin, I miss him too, and Peter, but it just hurts so much still.”  
“I know,” James said, turning and walking up the slope next to his friends. “Let’s not talk about Sirius. Here, I got this for you.” He held out a bag from which Remus could catch the scent of Honeyduke’s dark chocolate.  
“Thanks,” he said, taking the beg and breaking off a piece. “Are you looking forward to Christmas?”  
“Yeah,”James said. It’s always good to go home.  
“Yeah,” Remus agreed, thinking with a pang that Sirius could not say the same, and as his parents had demanded he return home for the holidays, would probably have a miserable break. But he was not going to think about Sirius. “It’ll be good to see my parents, and talk to them about everything.”  
“You know you can talk to me too,” James said, stopping to face his friend. “I mean, I get it that it’s good to talk to your parents, but I wouldn’t mind listening either. If you wanted to talk, that is. I won’t judge you, or think what you say is dumb or anything.”  
“Thanks,” Remus said. “I ‘m just so confused right now. I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if you hadn’t stopped Snape. It scares me so much to know what I could do, what I’m capable of. I could have killed him.”  
“It isn’t you,” James insisted. “It’s the wolf, not you. I saw the wolf that night, and it wasn’t you. There was none of you left in it. You just share a body, but you aren’t the same.”  
“I know,” Remus sighed. “But it doesn’t change the fact that it would have been my body. And I am responsible for what is does, as least I feel I am. And I know Sirius didn’t mean it, I know he didn’t, but I feel so betrayed. He would have let my worst nightmares come true just because somebody pissed him off. I don’t know how I can ever be friends with somebody who did that, but I miss him, and I think about him all the time. But I’m also just so angry, and I don’t understand how I can feel both at once.”  
James put his arm over Remus’ shoulder and said, “Just focus on yourself for now. You’ve got enough to worry about without thinking about him. I’ll try to be a better friend and spend more time with you without him around. I’m sorry if you thought I chose him.”  
“I get it,” Remus said, “He’s more fun than I am, I know.”  
“It’s not just that,” James said. “He’s really freaked out about what he did too. And it’s been hard for him. I know he acts like it didn’t happen, but he’s hurting also.”  
“Is it bad that that makes me feel better?” Remus asked.  
“No,” James said, laughing. “But by the way, I’ve noticed you spending more time with Evans. Maybe you could mention me?”  
“It’s a hopeless case,” Remus groaned. “I’ve tried.”  
“Yes, but maybe if you told her I saved her friend Severus from certain death…”  
“No,” Remus said, laughing. I’m not saying anything.  
Remus spent the day walking around Hogsmeade, then back onto the grounds and around the lake with James. They talked about Lily, and Peter’s chances with Janet, and quidditch, and they smoked a joint together and drank some of Remus’ firewhiskey. By the time they came back to the great Hall for dinner things felt a little closer to normal, and Remus could almost tolerate Sirius’ presence at the table, and he felt that, just then almost was good enough. The rest, maybe, would come in time.


	2. Reconcilliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius tried to mend his relationship with Remus with some unforseen consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -More explicit child abuse in this chapter  
> -homophobic comments  
> -canon typical violence

Setting down his trunk, Remus glanced around his room, then sat down at the foot of his bed and sank his head into his hands. He had thought going home would make things better—get away from Sirius—but he only felt more confused. It was just him now, nobody to hate, no anger to distract him from what he was, no James to cheer him up. Everything that had happened in the last term paired with what had happened in this house last Christmas, and his feelings for Sirius.  
“Tea?” Hope Lupin asked, entering her son’s room. If she was surprised to see him sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed, she did not say anything.  
“Thanks mum,” Remus said, reaching for the cup as she sat down beside him.  
“How are you holding up?” She asked, reaching out to put her arm around me. It only took the one question for Remus to start spilling out all the things he had been holding back for the last month and a half.  
“I don’t know,” Remus said. “I go from being angry, to crying, to missing Sirius, to just wanting to sleep all the time, and I just don’t know what’s going on in my head most of the time. Everyone keeps telling me what happened isn’t my fault, but I feel so guilty for what I could have done. I only ever thought about what it means that I’m a werewolf, how it affects me, but now I keep thinking about what I could do to somebody else. I don’t want anyone else to have to live like this.”  
“You know you’re dad and I love you so much,” Hope said. “And nothing could ever change that. Nothing. It’s never going to be easy, with your illness, but we’ll all get through it. I just wish I could have seen you sooner, talked to you about it.”  
“It’s okay,” Remus said. “I talked to James about it a little bit. But Sirius is the person I feel like I can talk to about werewolf things. But now I can’t look at him without feeling like I need to hit him.”  
“What he did was wrong,” Hope said slowly. “We were so angry with him when we heard, but he’s only fifteen too. And we really liked him when he came and stayed last summer. These things are never easy, though. Do you know why he did it?”  
“He was angry,” Remus said, the excuse seeming so feeble when he said it out loud. “He does dumb things when he gets angry. Apparently Snape was trying to find out what it is I’m hiding, and Sirius thought he was protecting me, but it didn’t exactly work out, did it?”  
“No,” Hope sighed. “No, it really didn’t.”  
“But he was my best friend,” Remus said. “Closer than James or Pete. I feel like he really understands me, but then he turned around and did the worst. I trusted him so much, and now I can barely be in a room with him.”  
“Sometimes it’s the people who we love the most who can hurt us most. That’s what it really means to love somebody, to trust. It means you have to give them a chance to hurt you.”  
“But should I trust him again?” Remus asked, giving Hope a look that clearly said he had been asking himself this question every day since the betrayal.”  
“Your dad doesn’t want you to,” she sighed. “But in the end it’s your decision: You know him best. But be careful, honey. Sometimes we have to let go of the people we care about to protect ourselves. Give yourself some time.”  
“Some days I just wake up and wish none of this had ever happened to me,” Remus admitted. “That I didn’t have to live with this, and it’s so overwhelming I feel like I can barely face the day. It used to just be some days, but now it’s almost every day, and it gets harder and harder to make myself get up in the morning.”  
Hope looked at her son as if she was about to cry, and hugged him tight. “Don’t say that,” She said. “Your life is a blessing, and we’re so glad to have you. You know when you were in St. Mungos I prayed that we could still have you, no matter what it meant. No matter how difficult, we wanted you to be here with us, and we love you so much. I know things are hard, but you are so precious to me. Please, don’t give up on yourself.”  
“I won’t,” Remus said, now sobbing into his mother’s shoulder. He couldn’t despair: he couldn’t do that to his parents. He needed to be strong for them. He had already made their lives hard enough—he couldn’t make them worry about him any more. “I won’t, mum, really,” he said, pulling away. “I promise. I’ll stay strong.”  
“I know you will,” Hope said, stroking her son’s hair out of his face. “You’ve always been tough—people just don’t see it. You’re a fighter, Remus. I know you won’t give up.”

At the end of the third day of term Sirius limped into the dormitory and groaned as he sank onto his bed. He had been able to fix the bruises on his face, but his healing capabilities ended there. His mother had given him ten lashes, burned him in several places, including his neck, and beat him with a cane until he bled. He had never gotten punished like this, but he didn’t care. He deserved all of it and more for what he had done to Remus. Curling his knees up to his chest, he closed his eyes and let the pain wash over him. That was the only way through it. He could only hide and deny it for so long, doing whatever it took to keep James from noticing. Moaning as another wave of pain came, he looked up to see a few odd bottles on his bedside. Sitting up carefully, he grabbed a note with familiar neat handwriting.  
Take three drops of the pain-reliever in a glass of water morning and night until pain is gone. One salve is more burns, one for bruising, the other for healing cuts. This doesn’t mean you’re forgiven  
R. J. L.  
Sirius couldn’t decide whether he was happier for the medicine, or that Remus cared about him at least a little. Definitely that Remus didn’t hate him, he thought, limping over to the sink to get a glass of water. How could he have done something to hurt Remus, Remus who always took care of him, Remus who noticed when he was hurt, even though they weren’t talking, Remus who he could tell anything. How had he done this to the best person he knew? His stomach curling in guilt, Sirius shoved Remus’ gift back into his trunk. He didn’t deserve this: he deserved the pain. 

Remus was supposed to me angry with Sirius. He was supposed to hate him for what he had done, blame him for all the pain and anxiety of the last few months. He was not supposed to catch himself staring at Sirius’ body during History of Magic. He was not supposed to be imagining Sirius’ strong arms holding him tight, running his hands up Sirius’ stomach to his chest, stripping off his Hogwarts uniforms. Why did Sirius have to be so fucking attractive? Besides, it was History of Magic, so it wasn’t as if there was anything to pay attention. Binns never said anything that Remus couldn’t find in the textbook anyways.  
He still couldn’t look at Sirius without wanting to use every hex he knew at once, but he couldn’t help but have these feelings when he looked at his friends. It was different from how it felt when he saw pretty girls or handsome boys: with them it was just looking, but he craved Sirius touch, wanted him with a burning intensity he never felt when he looked at anyone else. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts about Sirius that he hardly noticed the bell ring, and was one of the last people out of the room. Heart sinking, he realized Sirius had lingered behind.  
“If you’re going to apologize to me, don’t bother,” He said, turning away from Sirius.  
“I wanted to thank you,” Sirius said. “For the medicine. It really helped.”  
“Then why didn’t you use it for a week?” Remus asked, hoping Sirius wouldn’t ask why he knew this. He didn’t want to admit that he had spent one lonely afternoon smelling one of Sirius’ old sweaters to pretend he still had his friend.  
“I felt guilty taking it,” Sirius said. “I didn’t think I deserved anything from you. I mean, I got what I deserved, right.”  
Remus stared at his friend, speechless at how sad what he had just said was. As angry has he was with Sirius, he never would have thought he deserved to be hurt like that.  
“You think you deserve what your parents do to you?” Remus asked, still shocked.  
“Not always,” Sirius said, shrugging. “But a lot of the time, yeah. I’m not a very good person Remus.”  
While he certainly thought what Sirius had done was unspeakably wrong, Remus would never have called Sirius a bad person. Stupid, reckless, hot-headed, and thoughtless, yes, but not bad. Still, he wasn’t willing to call him a good person just yet. “You still don’t deserve it,” Remus said. “Nobody deserves that from their family. I still think you ought to tell a teacher or Madame Pomfrey, or somebody.”  
“I can deal with it on my own,” Sirius said harshly, then cursed himself for it. Remus was being nice to him: why did he have to ruin it. “But thanks. It all really helped, once I used it. And thank your dad, I guess. It’s his stuff, right?”  
“It is, but he’d be angry to know I gave it to you,” Remus said. “He’s not exactly happy with you. Not that I am either. I have to go. I’m not speaking to you.” Leaving the room, Remus wondered why everything with Sirius had to be so complicated. Why couldn’t he just hate him, the way he should, and not care about him?  
Remsu was pulled away from his thoughts when he tripped and dropped all his books. “Shit,” he said, bending down to pick up his things.  
“Nice shoes Lupin,” Bellatrix laughed from across the hall. “Can’t even afford decent shoes: you’re family must be poor.” Remus flushed, looking down at his worn, second-hand shoes. The soles were starting to peel off, and he had at least three holes. None of the teachers tell him off for it, of course, but he looked very shabby indeed. Besides, all the holes made his shoes pretty much worthless, and his feet hadn’t beet dry or warm for the last two months.  
“Fuck off Bella,” Sirius said, appearing just behind Remus.  
Normally Remus would have told Sirius to leave it, but as he was not speaking to Sirius, he hesitated.  
“I thought you had finally dropped the half blood, cousin,” Bellatrix teased. “He’s below us, don’t you see.”  
“He’s a better person than you will ever be,” Sirius yelled at her. “You’re just a mean, ugly, talentless bitch, who nobody likes.”  
Bellatrix responded with a sudden non-verbal spell that knocked Sirius off his feet and sent him flying across the hallway and onto a heap on the floor. Seeing her work was done, Bellatrix rushed from the hall before a teacher came. Forgetting his hatred towards Sirius, Remus rushed to his friend’s side and helped him to his feet.  
“Just a stunner,” Sirius said weakly. “Thanks.”  
“I still hate your guts,” Remus said, leaving Sirius to pick up his things on his own. He meant it too, but when he got back to the dormitory a few nights later to see a new pair of winter boots sitting on his trunk, he couldn’t help but smile, and he wasn’t angry enough to say no to a perfectly good pair of shoes.

Weeks and months passed without Remus speaking to Sirius, except when absolutely necessary. They sat together at meals, slept in the same room, and Remus even started sitting at the same table during class—though James and Peter always separated Sirius and himself—but Remus refused to be anything close to friendly. Sirius accepted his friend’s stony silence with as much grace as he could, as James assured him this was the best way to get Remus back.  
“You know him,” James sighed one afternoon as Sirius complained about Remus’ continued boycott. “He’ll forgive you eventually. I don’t know how he can, but he will, and then things will be back to normal. Just don’t rush it, and keep looking at him like you’re a puppy that’s just been kicked. He misses you, but he just needs more time.”  
“But I miss him so much,” Sirius said. “No trouble-making, no Remus, it’s like everything good is gone.”  
“You still have me, tosser,” James said, elbowing his friend in the ribs. “And I miss pranking with you too. Can’t wait for next year when you’re off probation. But at least we’re actually getting our homework done for once.”  
“And I’m getting so close to transforming,” Sirius said. “I can get everything piece by piece, and I’ve got the top half pretty much down pat. Once I can be there for his transformation he’ll have to forgive me, right?”  
“I don’t know,” James sighed. “He needs something from you to prove you’re worthy, but I don’t know what it is, and I don’t think he does either. But I don’t think it’s hexing everyone who makes fun of him, or chocolate.”  
“But he’s stopped throwing it away as soon as he gets it,” Sirius said. “He actually eats it now, so that’s a good sign.”  
“It is,” James said. “It’s just not enough.”  
“What will be enough?” Sirius asked. “I’ve done everything I can think of.”  
“Keep doing everything you can think of and more,” James said. “Just don’t give up. He’ll come around. He just needs time.”  
“I’m not a very patient person,” Sirius complained.  
“I know,” James laughed. “You might be the most impatient person I know, but you’re going to have to be patient if you want Remus to forgive you.”  
“I do,” Sirius said firmly. “There’s nothing I won’t do.”

Remus woke up on a particularly dreary May afternoon the day before after his transformation to sharp pains in most parts of his body. After what had happened last fall each transformation had been worse than ever. His head was pounding, but before he could get to the sink to get a glass of water, a wave of nausea and dizziness made him stop and sit down on the bathroom floor. He shivered in the cold of the drafty castle and wished he had asked James to make a fire for him. In an effort the make the room stop spinning, he rolled onto his back, pulled his knees into his chest and stared at the ceiling, drawing in deep, steadying breaths.  
“Remus?” Sirius asked, walking into the bathroom. “What are you doing on the floor?”  
“I was going to get a glass of water,” Remus said, rolling back into a seated position.”  
“And you took a break to check out the ceiling?” Sirius asked, walking past Remus to the sink and filling a glass.  
“”Got dizzy,” Remus admitted at last, accepting the glass from Sirius.  
“Do you need help getting back to your bed?” Sirius asked, kneeling down next to his friend.  
“I’m fine,” Remus insisted, shivering a little. He made to stand but his knees fell out from under him and he came crashing back down to the floor, dropping his glass of water on the way. Sirius reached out his hand and, despite Remus’ protests, felt his forehead.  
“You’re burning up,” he said, grabbing Remus under the armpits and lifting him to a standing position.  
“Let me go,” Remus insisted. “I’ll be fine in a minute. Put me down!”  
“You need to lie down,” Sirius said, throwing Remus over his shoulder and depositing him in his bed. “Good thing you’re so skinny and I can carry you, right.”  
“Fuck you,” Remus said, glaring at Sirius.  
“You wish is my command,” Sirius said, grinning, then his face dropped. “Sorry,” he said. “Just joking.  
“Well it’s the last thing I want to do right now,” Remus said, which was not entirely true. He had liked it more than he cared to admit when Sirius had picked him up. Even after all that Sirius had done, Remus still always felt safe in his arms. Maybe it was because Sirius was so protective over him, which could be annoying, but he couldn’t help appreciating it.  
“Are you cold?” Sirius asked, not listening to Remus’ answer as he got extra blankets from the closet and tucked Remus in like a child. He went back into the bathroom and got Remus a new glass of water. “Anything else?” Sirius asked. “I’ll come back before dinner, make sure you get down in time.”  
“You don’t have to,” Remus protested. “I don’t want your help.”  
“Whatever you say Moony,” Sirius said, then stopped short. His old nickname for Remus had been more or less off limits for the last six months, and he wasn’t sure if he would really piss him off this time.  
“Whatever,” Remus said, pulling his blankets up to his chin. He was too tired to get angry at Sirius right now. Sirius was halfway out the door when Remus finally decided to say, “Thank you.” Smiling to himself, Sirius practically skipped down the stairs. Things might not be back to normal, but he would take what he could get.

Leaving the muggle studies classroom, Sirius made his way to the arithmancy classroom, hoping to catch Remus on his way to Herbology. Remus was not technically “on the way” the Herbology, but Sirius wanted to make sure he got to class alright, as it was only a few days after the full moon.  
“Remus,” he said, hurrying to catch up with his friend.  
“What do you want?” Remus asked, doing his best to sounds exasperated. He was trailing behind his classmates, breathing heavily and sweating a little.  
“Let me take those,” Sirius said, reaching for Remus’ books. “You look exhausted.”  
“You don’t to,” Remus said, but didn’t protest as Sirius lifted the books from his arms.  
“I want to,” Sirius said. “I’m trying to show you I care, and I’m really sorry for all the stupid shit I’ve done. I’ll do anything for you to forgive me, Remus, I really will.”  
“I need to be able to trust my friends,” Remus said, stopping to turn to Sirius. “And no matter how nice to me you are, no matter how much you help me, I don’t trust you. I wish that I could, but I can’t.”  
“I won’t do it again,” Sirius said. “I learned my lesson. I know I fucked up, just please give me a second chance. Please.”  
Remus bit his lip and turned to his friend. Sirius couldn’t help but think that he looked really cute like that, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to freak Remus out with these inappropriate feelings. “I’ll think about it,” Remus said at last, giving Sirius the smallest of smiled. “Why do you have to be so fucking charming?”  
Sirius blushed. Remus thought he was charming, and he would consider giving him a second chance, which coming from Remus, was as good as a yes. “You won’t regret this Moony,” he said.  
“Don’t push your luck,” Remus warned. “I’m still officially not talking to you.”  
Sirius laughed, then mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key, but Remus did not object when he started walking a few inches closer to him, in fact he enjoyed Sirius’ closeness quite a bit.

Remus walked into the dormitory on a late may night to hear James saying, “But we can’t get caught, or I could be banned from playing the match next week. We’ve got to beat Ravenclaw, or we’ll lose the cup.”  
“What are you two scheming?” Remus asked, setting his things down by his bed. “I thought you were keeping your nose clean.”  
James raised his eyebrow as Sirius, silently asking how he had gotten Remus to speak to him again.  
“Umm,” Sirius said, a little caught off guard. “Nothing much.”  
“Oh come on, I won’t report you,” Remus said. “I haven’t gotten into any mischief either. It might be good, like old times.” He even favored Sirius with a smile that made all the breath go out of his lungs. Remus really was quite dashing when he gave his mischievous grins.  
“You’ll disapprove,” James said.  
“Is it something dangerous?” Remus asked, now worried.  
“Not really,” James said, but it felt like a lie. “Alright, Snivelly challenged me to a duel, and Sirius agreed to be my second.”  
Remus just stared at his friends in disbelief for a few moments before he slowly shook his head. “Let me get this straight. You agreed to duel with Snape who thinks Sirius and I conspired to kill me, and who also happens to be a budding death eater with his death eater friends, and then you ask your friend, who is on probation to join you knowing he could be expelled, and you’re worried about missing your quidditch match? Fucking Hell James, how could you be so stupid?”  
“Remus,” Sirius said, but then his friends started in on him too.  
“You said you had changed, Sirius, and I fucking believed you! But no, you’re just the same reckless, thoughtless idiot who draws his wand without thinking about who might get hurt, or what the consequences might be. I hope you get caught, and I hope you get fucking expelled. I can’t believe I was about to give you a second chance.” Running from the room, Remus slammed the door behind him and ran from the dormitory down to the grounds. It was only once he got there that he realized he had no idea where he was going. Angrily kicking at a patch of grass he cursed his friends. Why did he have to have such idiotic friends. Why couldn’t he just find decent people who didn’t cross every line, didn’t take every rule as a personal challenge to break them. But deep down he knew why: for all their bullshit, none of his friends had ever thought any less of him for what he was. Even Sirius, who had thoughtlessly put Snape in danger, had never held what Remus’ condition against him. Never. And that was really what it came down to.  
Even though he knew he would go and try to talk his friends out of their latest mad plan, Remus wasn’t quite ready to look at them again, so he walked by the lake’s edge, skipping stones, not paying attention to where he was going. He loved the forest, the smell of trees, all the plants he had grown up with. This flower for cold remedies, that leaf for sticking solutions.  
Gazing across the lake, Remus saw the rippling reflection of the crescent moon and looked up at the sliver of white in the sky. He was at his fullest strength this time of month, able to do most spells he put his mind to. It seemed so strange that most of his life revolved around that cold rock, almost four-hundred kilometers away, revolving around the earth. His strength, his friendships, his future revolved with the moon, hinging on shadows cast by the sun, torn to pieces when the moon rose full. For one night he became something unrecognizable, an outside entity invaded and destroyed his body once every twenty-nine nights, leaving him to pick up the pieces.  
Shaking his head, Remus turned and made his way back to the castle. He had walked further than he though, but there was no way Sirius and James would leave before midnight—there would be too many teachers awake. It was only ten-thirty by the time he rushed into the great hall, with plenty of time to talk his friends out of their foolish venture. He had almost made it to the shortcut behind a portrait of a chimaera when he heard a voice behind him.  
“Out of bed out of hours,” Argus Filch hissed, and Remus turned around slowly, his stomach sinking. “What have you been doing?”  
“Went for a walk,” Remus said. “Got a little lost. It won’t happen again, I promise.”  
“And I’ve supposed to believe you?” Filch demanded. “You and your friends, sneaking around the castle at all hours, making messes for me to clean up, breaking every rule, well it’s going to stop. You’re coming to my office.”  
“I really need to…” Remus started to say, but he could not mention the duel for fear of getting his friends in even worse trouble. He didn’t really want Sirius to be expelled, no matter what he had said.  
“Enough excuses,” Filch barked. “This way.” And, grabbing Remus by the ear, he pulled him along to his office, clear across the castle from the Gryffindor common room. That would take at least twenty minutes, so Remus had to get out of Filch’s office as soon as possible to make it to James and Sirius before they left. Maybe his words would be enough to make them reconsider, but the chances of that were slim to none. Neither boy would be able to stand people saying the backed out, calling them cowards. But he knew he could talk Sirius out of it at least—Sirius had said he would do anything to make Remus forgive him, and this might be just the thing.  
“Wait here,” Filch said, leaving the room. “I need to finish patrolling the halls, then I’ll come back for you. As soon as Filch left, Remus ran to the door. He would be in deep trouble once Filch found out he had left, but he would not be expelled: Sirius would be. He tried the door, but it was locked, so he pulled out his wand and muttered, “alohamora,” but to no avail. Filch’s office door was no doubt reinforced with locking spells more complex than he knew how to counter, and short of blowing a hole in the wall, Remus had no other option but to return to the chair before Filch’s desk. With one last burst of hope, he tried the window, which opened, but he was on the third floor, and he could see no way of escape. All he could do was hope that between the two of them, James and Sirius would have half a brain and stay in the dorm. But of course they wouldn’t.

“Maybe we should stay,” Sirius suggested nervously. “Not that I’m afraid of the slytherins, but Remus was really upset, and he had just been talking to me again.”  
“You’re backing out?” James asked. “Remus will come around, I know he will. But if we don’t show we’ll never hear the end of it. Besides, Snivellus deserves to get his ass kicked. I can’t believe he called Janet Wilkes a mudblood. I mean, he’s friends with her half-brother.”  
“Her brother calls he that,” Peter said from the other side of the room. “But I really don’t think you should go. Not only because of Remus, but you could get expelled. Is that really worth it?”  
“We have the cloak,” James said confidently. “And Sirius has kept his nose clean. Do you really think Dumbledore would really expel him less than three weeks before the end of term? It’s going to be fine.”  
“I don’t know, James,” Sirius said. “Remus is more important to me than teaching Snape a lesson right now. I don’t want to screw things up again I thought you wanted things to be right between us again too.”  
“Fine,” James said, shaking his head. “I’ll go on my own then. You just stay safe in bed and make nice with Remus. I, on the other hand, don’t want everyone to know I’m a coward.” Shoving his wand in his back pocket, James threw on the cloak and walked for the door.  
“Fine,” Sirius said at last. “But you have to tell him I only went because I don’t want you to get killed.”  
“You think Snivellus could kill me?” James asked, laughing.  
“Not Snape, but you know he’ll bring Mulciber, and I don’t think he’d have any reservations against using unforgivable curses. But it’s only eleven-thirty. The prefects could still be up.”  
“Nah, I let off a dung bomb in the common room ten minutes ago. It’ll smell bad, but it should be empty. Now get under the cloak.”  
With one last guilty look at Remus’ empty bed, Sirius slipped under the cloak and followed James.

After getting a full lecture, and a description of what Filch wished he was still allowed to do to students, Remus escaped from his office and ran to the dormitory, making it in by eleven forty five, only to find an almost empty room. “Where’s Sirius and James?” Remus asked, turning to Peter.  
“Left already,” peter said nervously.  
“And you didn’t stop them?” Remus demanded. “Shit Peter, they could get seriously hurt, or expelled. Tell me where they went, at least.”  
“Dungeons, I think,” Peter stammered. “I didn’t ask, I’m sorry. I thought you didn’t care.”  
“They drive me crazy, but I love them Pete, and I don’t want to see them getting hurt. Now come one, where does Sirius keep that stupid map?”  
After a few minutes of frantically digging through Sirius’ trunk, Remus pulled out an old piece of parchment with a map of Hagwarts on one side. Tapping it with his wand, he muttered “homonculous,” hoping the charm would work. Slowly, tiny labeled dots starte appearing all over the map, most in the various dormitories, but a few patrolling teachers, and... “It even shows the ghosts,” Peter gasped.  
“There they are,” Remus exclaimed, pointing to six tiny dots, “James, Sirius, Snape, and shit!”  
“What is it?” Peter asked.  
“He brought Mulciber, Wilkes, and Rigby,” Remus said. “We’ve got to go help them or they’ll get seriously hurt. Come on Peter.”  
“But we don’t have the cloak,” Peter said. “if we get caught…”  
“What does a few detentions matter,” Remus shouted. “James is out there, Sirius is out there, and they need us. I’m going at least. Feel free to stay if you’re afraid of losing a few house points.” With those words, Remus stormed from the dormitory and crept slowly down to the common room. It was a few minutes until midnight, but the common room was already empty, probably due to the wretched smell.  
“That’ll be the dung bombs,” Peter whispered behind Remus.  
“Glad you came,” Remus whispered, grabbing Peter’s sweaty palms. “We’ll be fine: look, no teachers on the map, and I think this worked properly. Let’s go.”  
Remus and Peter managed to get down to the dungeons without detection, and the sound of shouts and curses led them down a hallway, where sparks and curses where shooting in every direction. As soon as he rounded the corner, he heard Snape shout “sectumsempra,” as Sirius fell to the ground, blood pouring out his chest and stomach.  
“STUPEFY,” Remus shouted, and the force of his stunner sent Snape flying twenty feet until he hit the wall and slid down to the floor, bleeding from the head. Rigby was already down as well, so Mulciber and Wilkes needed no more motivation to turn and run back to the dormitory.  
“Sirius!” Remus shouted, running to his friend’s side. Blood was gusing from two long, deep gashes, one from his left hip to the bottom on his ribs, the other clear across his chest. “Peter—“ Remus started to say.  
“I know,” Peter said, sprinting off in the direction of Slughorn’s office.  
“Sirius,” Remus said, trying to apply pressure and stop the bleed. “Sirius you’re going to be fine. “I know a healing spell. I can stop it. Sirius you’re going to be fine.”  
“Remus, I’m sorry,” Sirius gasped.  
“It’s okay,” Remus said, frantically, whispering whatever words he could remember, but the skin was knitting together too slowly, and Sirius was still bleeding. “It’s okay Sirius,” Remus said, watching his friend losing consciousness and reaching up to touch his face. “Don’t go, don’t you dare go. I’ll never forgive you if you die here, Sirius Black. You’re my best friend and I need you, so don’t you dare go away from me. Come on Sirius, I fucking love you.” Crying, he turned his attention back to the wounds and tried to heal them, but he was stammering out the song-like healing charms, and it was barely working. Pressing his hands against the wounds, Remus tried to stop the bleeding, but Sirius was losing too much blood.  
“Move aside Lupin,” Slughorn said, uncorking a small vial. “This will help.” He poured the liquid onto Sirius’ wounds, which steamed like boiling water. Desperate for his friend to be alright, Remus checked him for a pulse, and to his relief felt a slow, weak beat. “Come on,” Slughorn said, summoning a stretcher. “He’s lost a great deal of blood. We need to get him to the hospital wing.”  
“Of course,” Remus said, helping Slughorn life Sirius onto the stretcher and then jogging beside it, holding Sirius’ hand, which was still thankfully warm.  
“What happened,” Slughorn demanded.  
“He agreed to a duel with Snape,” Remus said, looking back at James, Rigby and Snape’s unconscious forms, trailing behind on their own stretchers. “And he brought three people, and it was only James an Sirius. Peter and I followed them to try and stop them, and when we came, Snape’s curse had just hit him.”  
“Severus did this?” Slughorn asked, looking alarmed.  
“Yeah,” Remus said. “He used sectumsempra. He uses that one a lot.”  
“I’ve never heard of it,” Slughorn said, looking down at Sirius. “The headmaster will need to hear about this.”  
“Where’s Sirius?” Remus turned around to see James tumble out of his moving stretcher and run over to Sirius. “Shit,” he said, seeing all the blood. “Is he okay?”  
“He’s going to be fine,” Slughorn assured him. “What you did was very foolish.”  
“It’s all my fault,” James said. “He only came because I said I’d go without him and he didn’t want me to get hurt. He wanted to stay so you wouldn’t be mad at him,” James admitted, turning to Remus. “He didn’t want to upset you.”  
“It doesn’t matter any more,” Remus said, looking down at Sirius’ unconscious face. If it weren’t for the dried blood on his cheek, he could be sleeping, he handsome features resting, as if he hadn’t just nearly bled out. “It just matters that he’s going to be okay.”

As soon as his last class was over, Remus hurried to the hospital wing with James and Peter.  
“He’s still unconscious,” Madame Pomfrey said as they burst into the room. “But you can sit and wait for him to wake up. Quietly.”  
“Thank you,” Remus said, pulling aside the hangings to sit by Sirius’ bedside. He looked so pale and vulnerable there in his hospital bed. Remus wondered if that’s how he looked after transformation and understood Sirius’ need to always take care of him at those times. All he wanted to do now was make a part of Sirius’ pain go away.  
“I reckon we may as well do our homework now,” James said. “Then I’ve got to go to practice.”  
“Dumbledore didn’t take you off the team?” Remus asked. He had been too exhausted at breakfast to ask James how his meeting with the Headmaster had gone.  
“No,” James said. “He was really mad at the Slytherins, mostly. Well, Snape, for using sectumsempra, but he didn’t expel him, so I can’t imagine him expelling Sirius.”  
“Good,” Remus said, smiling down at Sirius.  
“So nearly getting killed is what did it?” James asked. “I’ll remember that if I ever really piss you off.”  
“Just shut up and do your homework,” Remus said. “You’re still not off the hook for putting him in danger. Lucky for you I don’t think it’ll take a near death experience for me to forgive you, though.”  
Chuckling, James pulled out his books and started on his divination homework. After a few hours James went down for quidditch practice, and Peter followed to watch.  
“Watching won’t get you on the team next year,” James said gruffly.  
“Yeah, but the more I watch, the better I’ll be,” Peter said. “Sarah Hardly’s graduation, so I have a shot at keeper next year.”  
“That you do,” James said, placing one arm over his friend’s shoulder. “Tell you what, we can practice together before try-outs next year. See if some of my excellence can rub off on you.”  
Laughing at his friends’ antics, Remus settled back into his chair and tried to focus on his schoolwork, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off Sirius. After a while Sirius finally stirred, making a soft noise.  
“Sirius,” Remus gasped, grabbing his friend’s hand. Sirius opened one eye, smiled, and tried to sit up. Remus leaned forward to help Sirius get up into a sitting position, then sat down on the side of his bed. “How are you?” he asked.  
“Thirsty,” Sirius said, glancing at the jug of water on his bedside. He tried lifting up his arm, but it felt like lead.  
“Here,” Remus said, bringing a glass of water to his lips. “You lost a lot of blood. If Slughorn hadn’t gotten there in time it might have been too late.”  
“If you hadn’t gotten there in time it would have been too late,” Sirius said, smiling at his friend. “You saved my life Remus.”  
“No need to be dramatic,” Remus said, flushing a little. “And you wouldn’t have needed saving if you weren’t so bloody daft.”  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, looking down at his bandaged chest. “Are you still angry with me?”  
“Sirius,” Remus sighed. “You just don’t think before you do anything, do you? Or at least you think with your wand, and not your head. One day you’re seriously going to hurt yourself or somebody else.” Remus paused for a moment, and Sirius looked up at him, giving him those puppy dog eyes. “So,” Remus continued. “I figure that’s why you need me around.”  
It took Sirius a moment to realize that Remus had finally forgiven him, but then his face split into a wide grin. Any leftover resentment Remus may have had melted immediately. This was the Sirius he loved: hot-headed, but loyal, quick to laugh, and incredibly attractive. Remus almost leaned in to kiss him, but decided that might be pushing things a little too far. “Thank-you Remus,” he said finally. “I don’t know how I would get on without you, really.”  
“But next time you do something impulsive you need to tell me,” Remus said. “And listen to me at least part of the time.”  
“I’ll always listen to you,” Sirius said.  
“Liar,” Remus said, punching him lightly in the arm. “I know I can always count on you to be reckless. That’s you’re whole appeal.”  
“You have your reckless streak too,” Sirius said. “I like it when you’re impulsive.”  
“Yeah,” Remus said. “But sometimes impulsive things can have really bad consequences.”  
“But sometimes things turn out even better than you imagined,” Sirius said. “You never know if you don’t try. Sometimes if something just feel right, you have to go for it, and fuck the consequences.”  
“Like this?” Remus asked, and, before he could think about how Sirius was not into blokes, or how their friendship had just gotten back to normal, or how he was a werewolf and probably totally un-fanciable, he leaned in and kissed Sirius. For a moment it was all that he had hoped. Sirius’ lips were dry, but still soft, and Remus could just barely taste him on his lips. But then Sirius pulled away, looking confused. “Sorry,” Remus said, blushing furiously. “I don’t know what got into me.”  
“No,” Sirius said. “Do it again.” Not able to believe his luck, Remus leaned again and kissed Sirius again, and then he felt Sirius’ mouth open slightly, and then he felt his friend’s tongue gently brush against his lower lip, and he instinctively opened his mouth to let Sirius in. When he felt Sirius’ tongue against him for the first time it sent shivers down his spine and he made an inadvertent moaning sound. Sirius quickly pulled away and looked at his friend, questioning. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Did you not like that?”  
“Sh,” Remus said, and, placing his hand behind Sirius’ neck, he drew him in to a deeper kiss than before. He felt high from the feeling of Sirius’ tongue against him, the taste of his mouth. He had just started to thread his fingers through Sirius hair—something he had been fantasizing about for quite a while—when he heard the hospital wing door open. Pulling away from Sirius, he had time to exchange a shy smile with his friend before James yanked the curtains aside.  
“He’s awake,” James cried, jumping onto Sirius’ bed before tackling him with a suffocating hug.  
“Oy,” Sirius called out from under James. “Let me out! My chest is not doing so good at the moment.”  
“Sorry,” James said, pulling away from his friend. “So! You’re alive and awake. And now you and Remus are reconciled, right?”  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, smiling at his friend. “Yeah, we’re good now. Really good.”  
“Great,” James said, taking a seat beside his friend. “Now we’re back to normal. But tell me, was there any white light? Angels singing?”  
“More like fiery pits and eternal torture,” Sirius joked. “But no, I did not cross over or anything. Stayed here the whole time; didn’t go anywhere.” With these last words Sirius exchanged a meaningful glance with Remus, who realized he must have heard and remembered every word he had said as his friend had lay bleeding in his arms.  
“Ah well, maybe next time,” James sighed.  
“This isn’t an experience I plan on repeating,” Sirius said, laughing.  
“I should hope not,” Madame Pomfrey Pomfrey said, pushing James out of the way so she could see to her patient. “Absolute chaos! You with those gashes, and Severus with a cracked skull.”  
“Cracked skull?” Sirius asked, looking to James. “I thought you were out cold.”  
“I wasn’t out cold,” James said defensively. “I was in a full-body bind, but fully conscious. But Severus was Remus’ work.”  
“I got a little, uh, over-eager with a stunner,” Remus said, grinning.  
“Blasted him twenty feet,” James said excitedly.  
“It’s no laughing matter,” Madame Pomfrey scolded. “I should hope you learned your lesson after last night. If Remus hadn’t been there and known a little healing magic, you could by lying with a sheet over your face.”  
“You used a healing charm on me? I wondered what you were saying.” Sirius asked, turning to Remus.  
“Not much,” Remus said, blushing. “Most of it was Slughorn’s potion. Good thing he keeps that on hand.”  
“Your friend gave you time,” Madame Pomfrey said. “And he did more than he gives himself credit for. Healing charms like that are tricky.”  
“Well I’ve had them used on me enough,” Remus said. “Kind of rubs off, you know.  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “Well, thanks for showing up.”  
“Peter was there too,” Remus pointed out, not sure how much longer he could handle Sirius looking at him like that.  
“Did my duty and ran for a teacher,” Peter joked.  
“Well thanks,” Sirius said, smiling at his friend. “And if you hadn’t gotten Slughors, things would have ended badly for me.”  
“Yeah, you come in handy,” James said. “Good thing we keep you around.”  
“Yes, because you were so helpful in this situation,” Remus said. “Corrupting Sirius’ young and impressionable mind, coercing him to engage in illicit behavior when he naturally loves to keep his nose clean.”  
“Clean as a chimney,” Sirius said.  
“Alright you four,” Madame Pomfrey said. “You have ten more minutes, then Sirius needs to rest you can come back tomorrow. And no mischief!”  
“Of course not,” Sirius said. “I solemnly swear,” he said, but as soon as she was out of earshot he added, “that I am up to no good.”

Madame Pomfrey released Sirius from the Hospital Wing two days later, the day before the final match of the season. The day went well enough, mostly due to Remus’ efforts to keep Sirius from seeing Snape at any point during the day. Walburgha Black sent a howler, but Sirius laughed it off well enough, and Remus slipping his hand into Sirius’ was enough for him not to care. His first day came alongside a detention, as Dumbledore had given him and James a detention for every day until the end of the year, though he decided to have the two of them serve their detentions separately from the Slytherins. Despite his cheery mood, Remus could tell his friend was not entirely back to normal, but between Peter and James, he had not been able to find a moment alone with Sirius to discuss it.  
Just a week ago he had desperately tried to avoid Sirius at all costs, but now all he wanted was a moment alone to ask his how he was doing. He was full of questions for Sirius, mostly regarding the kiss they had shared in the hospital wing. Had Sirius just been trying to seal their new friendship. He probably had just been being nice to Remus, not wanting to disappoint him. Or maybe it had just been a stupid kiss, like when they were high at the beginning of the year. Or maybe not? Sirius had asked for another kiss, and he was the one who had taken things from a quick peck to some real tongue action. And Remus was unspeakably glad for that. His mind a swirl with these questions, Remus did not get to sleep until deep into the night.  
Waking at a sound from outside his bed, Remus checked his watch. 2:17 AM. Remus sat up and listened for what had woken him. After a few moments he heard ragged breath coming from the right, and drew the hangins to see Sirius sitting bolt upright in his bed, breathing heavily.  
“Sirius?” Remus asked softly. “Are you okay?”  
“I’m fine,” Sirius said, but Remus recognized the look in his eyes. He was quite familiar with it: it was how he looked up when he woke to a nightmare of Greyback.  
“Bullshit,” Remus said, crawling out of his bed and into Sirius’. He sat cross-legged in front of Sirius and took his hand. “You almost got killed. It only makes sense that you’d have nightmares. You know I do.”  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, then glanced nervously at James’ bed. Sighing, Remus shut the hangings to Sirius bed and muttered a silencing charm.  
“Now will you talk to me?” he asked. He could barely see Sirius, so he shifted so he was beside Sirius. “Lie down,” he whispered. Sirius obeyed, and Remus lay next to him, his chest pressed against Sirius’ back.  
“It was terrifying,” Sirius finally said, his voice shaking. “I really thought I was going to die before you came. Everything was going black, and I though ‘I don’t want it to end like this.’ I don’t want to die alone on the floor of the dungeons, not for some dumb duel with fucking Slytherins. And I didn’t want to die thinking you hated me.”  
“I never hated you,” Remus murmured. “I tried, but I couldn’t. The whole time, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and missing you.”  
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you either,” Sirius said, pulling Remus’ hand closer to his chest so Remus could feel his heartbeat. “I liked it, you know,” Sirius said after a while. “When you kissed me, I mean.”  
“I liked it too,” Remus whispered. “Maybe we can do that again sometime?”  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “I’d like that. I like having you close to me. I feel safe when you’re near me.”  
“I’m not going anywhere,” Remus assured his friend, and then, building up some courage, he gently kissed the back of Sirius’ neck. “I think we’ve established that you can’t get rid of me.”

On Saturday afternoon the whole school made their way down to the quidditch pitch dressed in red and gold or blue and silver. Sirius was looking very dashing in slim fit jeans and a very tight red shirt. Remus couldn’t help glancing sideways at his friend as they walked down to the quidditch pitch. Casually draping his arm over Remus’ shoulder, Sirius leaned in to whisper in his ear, “Like what you see?”  
“Who said I was looking?” Remus asked, which only lead to a roguish grin from Sirius. “Alright,” he said. “You look great. Happy now?”  
“I’d be happier if you were wearing something that showed you off a little better,” Sirius murmured. As he swung his arm down he gently grazed his knuckles against Remus’ buttocks, just enough to give Remus chills, but not enough for anyone else to notice. “I’d like to see what’s under your button-down.”  
Feeling a rush of bravery, Remus whispered back, “Maybe I’ll show you later.” He could hear Sirius’ breath quicken a little, and felt giddy with the knowledge that he had such influence over his friend.  
“What are you talking about?” Peter asked, running up beside Remus.  
“Nothing,” Remus sighed, forcing himself to smile at Peter. “Excited for the match?”  
“We’ll win for sure,” Peter said confidently. “You should see them play: they’re amazing this year. And James is a better player than anyone on the Ravenclaw team.  
“Yeah, but Gideon Prewett’s a damn good seeker,” Remus said. “I don’t know if James can get fifteen more goals than the Ravenclaws.”  
“You have no faith in Karen Quigley,” Peter said. “But she’s very good. And currently single,” he added, winking at Sirius.  
“I’m sure some boy will have a nice time at the after-party,” Sirius said, then, sending Remus a meaningful look, added “I might have my eye on somebody else.”  
“Who?” Peter demanded. “Is it Mary? Or someone from a different house?”  
“I don’t kiss and tell,” Sirius said simply.  
“You’ve kissed somebody?” Peter asked, practically squealing with excitement. “Oh, wait until James hears.”  
“Yes,” remus said, glaring at Sirius. “You know he won’t rest until he gets answers.”  
“Speaking of kissing,” Sirius said, tactfully changing the subject. “When are you going to make your move on Janet?”  
“I don’t know,” Peter said. “Do you think she’d like it? I don’t want to do it too soon.”  
“You’ve been going out for six months,” Remus said. “I think she’ll be ready, and the after-party’s as good a time as any. With all the music and dancing and drinks—it’s when I’d make my move.” This time it was Remus sending Sirius a meaningful look.  
“Why don’t you go find her,” Sirius suggested. “Sit with her during the match. I’m sure Remus and I can manage well enough together.”  
“Great idea,” Peter said brightly, rushing through the crowd in search of Janet.  
Sirius pushed a few first-years aside to get front row seats for Remus and himself. “Sirius had better win this match,” Sirius said once they were seated. Glancing around to make sure nobody would notice, he slipped his hand inside Remus’ and whispered, “I’m really looking forward to this after party.”

For the second-year running, Gryffindor team brought the house cup back to the common room, much to the delight of everyone in the house. As usual, the marauders provided ample amounts of butterbeer and food from the kitchen, and Sirius set his record player up in the common room. Despite the general good mood, Remus was looking for any excuse to slip upstairs into the dormitory. About an hour into the party, James ran up to him, grinning ear to ear.  
“Nice game,” Remus said enthusiastically. “Seventy points! That’s quite the accomplishment.”  
“Thanks,” James said, ruffling his messy hair. “Look, we’re getting a little low on butterbeer, and I know you don’t like parties much, so I was hoping you could pop over to the Hog’s Head. I’d ask Pete, but he’s currently focused on something else.” Remus glance over to see Peter deep in conversation with Janet in a corner of the room.  
“Have they snogged yet?” Remus asked, grinning.  
“Not yet, but any moment now,” James said. “But are you good to get the booze?”  
“Yeah, of course,” Remus said. “Can I take the cloak?”  
“Of course,” James said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Thanks mate.”  
As he made his way to the stairs to the boys’ dormitory, Remus caught Sirius’ eye, and watched as his friend extracated himself from a conversation with Karen Quigley. Heart leaping in anticipation, Remus ran up to the room, taking the stairs two at a time. He was barely inside the room when Sirius slipped in behind him and closed the door. For a moment they stood there, looking at one another, breathing heavily. Remus had a thousand questions, but none of them seemed to matter anymore. “Well,” he said, his voice low and husky. “What are you waiting for Black?”  
A moment later, Sirius was holding him tight and kissing him fiercely. Remus gasped with the force of it, but quickly caught up, and was running one hand across Sirius’ back, threading the other through Sirius’ shaggy black hair. Suddenly he was pressed against a bed post, not sure how he had gotten there, and Sirius’ lips were hot against his neck. Sirius slipped his hands under Remus’ shirt, feeling his stomach, then his chest. When Sirius’ thumbs brushed over his nipples Remus groaned in pleasure. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while,” Sirius said, slipping one hand around Remus’ back to hold him closer.  
“I’ve been wanting to do this,” Remus said, lowering his hand to grab Sirius’ ass. Even through the denim, Remus greatly enjoyed the shape of Sirius’ round buttocks. Sirius responded by bringing his lips back to Remus’ and kissing him with that same intensity that made Remus’ heart pound. The taste of Sirius’ mouth was intoxicating, and the heat of his breath and hinds on Remus’ skin was exhilarating. He felt he could have kissed Sirius for hours if it weren’t for the burning sensation in his groin demanding release.  
“Remus, I’m so hard right now,” Sirius groaned into his friend’s ear, a fact Remus was well aware of, as Sirius was practically grinding into him. He reached around to undo Sirius’ belt, not quite sure what he was going to do once the pants came off, when he heard James’ voice calling from up the hallway. “Fucking James,” Sirius grumbled, reluctantly pulling away from Remus.  
“What are you doing here?” James asked, clearly oblivious to his friends’ flushed faces and swollen lips. “You’re supposed to be at my party.”  
“Your party?” Sirius asked in his casual mocking tone. “James, there’s no ‘I’ in team.”  
“But there is a ‘me’,” James said. “So come on down.”  
“Sirius was just helping me find the map,” Remus said, opening James’ trunk to pull out the invisibility cloak. “I’ll go down and get you some butterbeer.”  
“Hurry,” James said. “I don’t want anybody going back to their rooms before midnight.”  
Rolling his eyes at James, Remus headed out of the dormitory. As he walked by Sirius, he leaned in to whisper in his friend’s ear “we’ll finish that later.”

As it turned out, Remus had a very hard time finding any time alone with Sirius to finish anything. Between Sirius’ detentions and the constant presence of Peter and James, Remus never had a chance to be alone with Sirius bedtime, when Sirius fell asleep as soon as the lights turned out. After a few nights of this, Remus started to wonder what was tiring Sirius out so much, and whether his light snores were genuine. After nine days of this, Remus pulled his friend into a hidden passage.  
“What are you doing?’ Sirius said, lighting his wand so he could see Remus better. “You got to warn someone before you drag them into a dark passage-way.”  
“I thought you’d find some excuse not to talk to me,” Remus said. “Why are you avoiding me?”  
“I’m not avoiding you,” Sirius protested.  
“Yeah, sure. Only it’s been nine days, and we haven’t been alone together once. You played gobstones with Peter rather than be in the room with me. Gobstones, Sirius.”  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, looking away from Remus.  
“Do you regret what happened the night of the quidditch match?” Remus demanded.  
“No,” Sirius said. “I mean, most of the time no, but sometimes yes. I don’t know, it’s just confusing. I mean, you’re a bloke.”  
“I mean, I didn’t expect all this to happen with a guy, but what does it matter?” Remus asked. “Maybe I’m a little bent, I don’t know.”  
“I’m not bent,” Sirius said angrily, actually taking a threatening step towards Remus.  
“Okay, okay,” Remus said, stepping nervously back from Sirius. “I didn’t say you were. But Sirius, if you don’t want to do it again just tell me. It can just be a one time thing. But avoiding me is just annoying and mean. It’s not like I did anything wrong.”  
“Except kiss me,” Sirius said, glaring at his friend.  
“That’s the pot calling the kettle black,” Remus said, offended. “Yes, I kissed you. And you kissed me. We kissed each other. There’s nothing wrong in that.”  
“Except that you’re a bloke,” Sirius repeated. “And I’m not bent.”  
“Whatever you say Sirius,” Remus said, frustrated at his friend. He normally just went with whatever urge he felt, but now he was holding back, and unless he was a very good liar, Remus was pretty sure his friend had been just as willing as he had been. “Don’t worry; next time we’re alone together I’ll keep my hands to myself. Now will you stop acting like a child? We’d just gotten back on speaking terms.”  
“Fine,” Sirius said, following Remus back into the hallway. “But that’s never happening again.”

Remus woke up on the floor of the shack feeling oddly not horrible. Something else was different. It took him a moment to realize he was on a mat and under a blanket. Confused, Remus sat up to see Sirius sitting on the broken sofa, looking at him.  
“What?’ Remus asked, gesturing down to the blanket.  
“Madame Pomfrey’s busy with the mono outbreak, and she couldn’t get you back up to the castle, so she let you sleep here. I said I’d come and get you,” Sirius explained. “I can be very charming, you know.”  
“I know,” Remus said flatly, thinking about how Sirius had charmed him—and then changed his mind.  
“Look,” I’m sorry about that,” Sirius said.  
“Kissing me, or taking it back?” Remus asked.  
“Taking it back,” Sirius answered, giving Remus his best winning smile. “I just grew up thinking all that is wrong, and it’s hard to realize that I think you’re fucking gorgeous.” Remus blushed, which only reminded Sirius how attractive his friend was. To make matters worse—or even better—he was very naked under that blanket.  
“How are you feeling?” He asked, looking at Remus with concern. That was the thing Remus could always count on Sirius for: no matter what else happened, Sirius was always there for him during transformation. He noticed the little things James and Peter didn’t, and he never seemed to get bored hanging out with his friend who was too weak to leave his bed.  
“Fine,” Remus said, stretching. As he did so, the blanket fell off his chest and onto his lap. Sirius stared unabashedly at his friend’s chest, but Remus was suddenly very aware of his scars. “Sorry,” he said, moving his hands to cover the old bites and scratches.  
“No,” Sirius said, leaning forward to move Remus’ hand. “You’re beautiful Remus, scars and all. I wish you could see that.”  
“You are charming Sirius,” Remus breathed, taking Sirius’ hand. They stayed like that for a moment until Remus got a new idea. “Well,” he said, shifting around so Sirius would be able to see him properly, “Better get dressed.” Letting the blanket slide off his lap, Remus stood up, and, taking time to appreciate the dumbfounded look on Sirius’ face, turned to the other side of the room and walked to the old bookshelf where he had stashed him clothes. It didn’t take long before he heard the creak of the sofa as Sirius stood up and crossed the room Placing his hand very low on Remus’ back he whispered into he ear, “Don’t put those back on just yet.”  
Turning around to face Sirius, Remus leaned against the wall and did his best to imitate one of Sirius’ roguish grins. “What do you have planned for me?” He asked  
“Let me show you,” Sirius said, placing his hands on Remus’ hips to draw him a little closer. Resting his forehead against Remus’, he waited to kiss him until he could stand it no longer. When Sirius’ lips finally met his, Remus was ready for him and matched his intensity, pulling Sirius in closer to him, until he was pressed to hard up against the wall he thought Sirius might crush him—not that he would mind. That, paired with the way Sirius’ hands were exploring his body, made him breathless with pleasure. By the time Sirius broke away he was practically gasping for breath.  
“Too fast?” Sirius asked, worried he had over-worked Remus at a vulnerable time of month.  
“Faster,” Remus gasped, needing Sirius’ hands on his body, his lips on his again.  
“Your wish is my command,” Sirius said, leaning again, but this time he kissed Remus’ neck again, trailing kisses down his throat. Hesitantly, he bit Remus softly just above the collarbone, causing Remus to emit a groan of pleasure. Crouching down, Sirius lowered his head to graze Remus’ nipple with his tongue. Glancing up at Remus to get his wordless permission, Sirius lowered himself onto his knees, kissed Remus’ stomach, and set one hand on the inside of Remus’ thigh, gently stroking Remus’ erection with his other hand. It really wasn’t so different from jerking himself off, but what he was planning on doing next… that would be very different indeed. But, he was here, and Sirius Black was not the type of person to back out of anything at the last moment. After kissing Remus’ stomach one last time, he lowered his head and closed his mouth around his friend’s cock.  
“Fuck yes Sirius,” Remus groaned, feeling like he could melt at his friend’s touch at the same time that fireworks were popping behind his eyes. He looked down to see Sirius, still pumping him with one hand, dip his head down and lick him from balls to tip. Moaning, he watched at his friend’s head bobbed slowly up and down over his erection. It was even better than he had imagined so many nights. The warmth, the feeling of Sirius flicking his tongue at the head of his cock, and the fact that it was Sirius, newly reconciled, pleasuring him. He could not remember feeling so much pleasure at any other point in his life. Reaching down, he grabbed hold of Sirius’ hair and guied his head in steady movements, in and out. It didn’t take long before he was arching his back and jerking his hips as he grew close to climax. “Sirius,” he gasped, digging his nails into Sirius’ should. “Coming.”  
“I know,” Sirius said, looking up to grin at his friend, before closing his mouth over Remus’ dick again. He wanted to taste Remus when he came. He had tried his own cum once or twice out of curiosity, and it hadn’t been that bad, so he felt somewhat prepared to swallow once Remus came, which he did, calling Sirius’ name, a few seconds later.  
Exhausted, Remus slid down the wall so he was sitting facing Sirius, who had sat back on his heels. “Uh,” Remus said, not sure what a person is supposed to say after their best friend gives them head. “Thanks, I guess.”  
“Thank is all I get?” Sirius asked, laughing. “I swallowed and everything, and let me tell you, you don’t taste like chocolate.”  
Leaning forward, Remus rewarded Sirius with a slow, soft kiss that tasted unmistakably like cum. He reached down to unbutton Sirius’ trousers, but Sirius knew his friend well enough to know when he needed some sleep.  
“How about you thank me later,” Sirius said, grasping Remus’ hand. “For now let’s get you back to the dormitory so you can get some sleep.”  
“Sleep sounds good,” Remus agreed, smiling. “Just let me kiss you one more time.”

As the Hogwarts Express pulled into King’s Cross Station, Sirius gently nudged Remus awake.  
“Are we there yet?” Remus mumbled, still half asleep on his friend’s shoulder.  
“Yes, and I’m sure your mum and dad are very excited to see you, so you should muster up some enthusiasm,” Sirius said, resisting the urge to stroke Remus’ cheek. James and Peter were in the compartment after all.  
“Yesterday was tiring,” Remus complained, then shot Sirius a mischievous grin. “But on the whole one of my better transformations.”  
“Glad I could help,” Sirius said.  
“You only walked him back to the castle,” James said. “And it took you long enough. It’s not like you actually did something useful.” Laughing, Remus stood up and stretched as the train lurched to a halt. Sirius tried his best not to openly stare at Remus’ body. Despite having seen and touched nearly everything, Sirius got excited on the hints Remus’ loose button-down and trousers gave him.  
“Well, have fun in France,” Remus said to James and Sirius as he walked down the train aisle and out onto the platform. “I’m jealous.”  
“My parents invited you too you know,” James said.  
“Yeah, but it’ll be nice to be with the folks,” Remus sighed, spotting his parents over the heads of some shorter students. His extra inches did come with certain advantages. “Write to me, yeah? Just don’t make me too jealous.”  
“Alright,” James said, walking off, Sirius behind him. Remus was half-way to his parents when the whole platform shook with the sound of a massive explosion. Off balance due to his weakened state, Remus fell over onto his hands and knees and looked up to see Sirius practically vault over a first-year girl to get to him. Grabbing Sirius’ hand, Remus pulled himself up and looked around for the source of the explosion. His heart sank when he looked up to see what had become every witch and wizard’s worst fear: at least twenty masked and hooded figures spilling in through the barrier that set platform nine and three quarters apart from the muggle station. Tightening his grip on Sirius’s hand, Remus searched frantically for his parents, but couldn’t see anything over the mass of people, parents and children no doubt searching for one another. What he could see was death eaters shooting stunners and nastier spells at the crowd in general.  
And it wasn’t just the death eaters that had just entered through the barrier: there were death eaters in the crowd too. “Sirius, they’re students,” Remus said, turning to see a masked figure separated from him by only three feet.  
“Stupefy,” Sirius called, wrapping his arm around Remus and pulling him close to his chest as he did so. “Remus, stay here.”  
“Like hell I will,” Remus said, running after Sirius, who was pushing his way against the crowd to the nearest death eater he could find.  
“Stupefy,” Sirius said, aiming at the death eater and missing. “Shit,” he said, as a third-year Slytherin fell to the floor. “Well, fuck it, he’s a Slytherin. Probably safe.” Pushing past more students, Sirius ran up to the girl in black robes, Remus running behind him, struggling to keep up. “Get the fuck out of here!” Sirius shouted. “Petrificus totallus.”  
“Protego,” The girl countered, sweeping aside his curse easily. “You’ll have to do better than that, Black.”  
“Sectumsempra,” Sirius shouted, slashing viciously at the air in front of him, but she swept aside this curse as easily as the last.  
“You ought not spill pure blood,” she chided. “We’re only here for the mudbloods. There’s still time for you blood-traitors and half-breeds.”  
“Incarcerus,” a voice boomed out from behind Remus and Sirius. They turned around to see Caradoc Dearborn, a sixth-year, pointing his wand at the death eater. “Go,” he urged them. “Find somewhere safe. He doesn’t look so good.”  
Spinning around, Remus allowed Sirius to drag him off in the direction of the barrier, but they were stopped by a tall boy Remus recognized by scent as Rosiere.  
“Crucio,” he cried, aiming his spell at Sirius, but Remus disarmed him before his spell could be completed properly. Remus grabbed Sirius’ arm to steady himself only to see Rosiere had regained his wand.  
“Stupefy,” Sirius cried before he could get a good grip, and he fell over. “incarcerus,” Sirius added: his stunners didn’t always last long. “Come on,” he said to Remus. “We need to get you out of here.”  
“I need to fight,” Remus insisted.  
“Not the night after a full moon,” Sirius said. “Come on, I’m stronger than you: you don’t have a choice.” Recognizing defeat, Remus followed Sirius through the crowd, looking for threats in every direction. They both stopped short when they saw a tall blond death eater pointing his wand at a group of five terrified young girls.  
“Let them go Malfoy,” Remus said, striding forward and pointing his wand at Lucius Malfoy.  
“Put that away or one of these girls dies, Lupin,” Malfoy said. “This one here, third-year Revenclaw by the name of Sharla if I remember correctly. Mudblood. You make a move against me, and her life is on your conscience.”  
“Fuck you,” Remus said, but slowly lowered his wand.  
Laughing, Lucius cried “Avada Kedavra,” and, to Remus’ horror, Sharla fell lifeless to the floor.  
“You bastard,” Sirius bellowed, and, forgetting all about magic, he leaped at Lucius and tackled him to the floor. With Sirius on top of him, it was easy for Lucius to aim his wand in the right direction.  
“Expulso,” Lucius cried, sending Sirius flying, but not with enough force to actually explode him.  
“Reducto,” Remus screamed, not thinking that he was weak, and shouldn’t waste his strength. He only saw Sharla’s dead body. His curse was not as strong as it would have been, and Lucius was soon back on his feet, while Remus had fallen to his hands and knees.  
“Half-blood freak!” Lucius said, pointing his wand to Remus. “As the Dark Lord has instructed us not to kill half-bloods, I’ll have to settle for teaching you a lesson Crucio.”  
Remus’ senses went wild, unable to process the amount of pain coursing through each one of his nerves. His spin arched, he felt as if his skin was being peeled away and burnt, and he has stabbing sensations in every part of his body.  
“THAT’S MY SON!” Lyall Lupin screamed, pushing some of the few students that were left in the station out of the way. “You’ll pay for this,” he shouted, aiming a jet of green light at Lucius, who dodged, or rather, ran hastily to the barrier.  
“Maybe next time,” a serpentine voice hissed from behind Remus. He rolled over to see a face he would never forget: the face of Lord Voldemort.  
“Leave this place,” a voice boomed from the other side of the platform, and Remus recognized the familiar silver hair of Albus Dumbledore.  
“You’ve done enough damage today, Tom,” He said, drawing his wand.  
“Until next time,” Voldemort said, laughing as he withdrew with inhuman speed to the exit. Remus sat up slowly to see the platform quickly emptying of people, but the remains of the battle were painfull obvious. Sharla’s parents crouched around their daughter, crying, while at least six more children’s bodies littered the floor. With some satisfaction, Remus saw a tall, dark-haired man chaining up two death eaters.  
“Remus?” Lyall asked, rushing to his son’s side. “Are you alright?”  
“I’m fine,” Remus said, leaning into his father’s arms as the station went black. He was very tired.


	3. Of Love and Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fifth year gets off to a dramatic start for Sirius, meanwhile the marauders achieve a long-term goal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for self harm, psychotic episode, internalized homophobia

Waking up with a pounding head, Remus found himself not in his Hogwarts bed, or his bed at home, but somewhere completely different. Panicked, he sat up quickly and immediately regretted it.  
“Slow down, darling,” Hope Lupin sat, putting a comforting hand on her son’s back. “You’re in St. Mungo’s.”  
“Why?” Remus asked looking around.  
“You blacked out at the station,” Hope said. “Everyone who got hurt was taken here, and they wanted to keep you here unless there were any complications, it being so close to the full moon. When you’re feeling up to it, some of the Aurors need to ask you some questions. But they can wait if you want to rest more.”  
“I can talk,” Remus said. “But where are my friends? Are they hurt?”  
“Sirius was out for a few hours, but he and James left a little while ago. They asked me to have Lyall send an owl as soon as you wake up, so I’ll write to them hen you’re speaking with the Aurors. Peter wasn’t hurt at all, and Lily wasn’t either.”  
“But some people got hurt,” Remus said, remembering the way Sharla had just fallen to the ground. He had only known her by sight before he got off that train, but he had seen her die, just like that. “I saw Lucius Malfoy kill this little girl right in front of me. And there were more bodies.”  
“Six students were killed,” Hope said sadly. “And two parents. Eleven Death Eaters were named, but the two that were captured were set free on route to Azkaban.”  
“So they won,” Remus said savagely. “They killed innocent kids and ran away.”  
“We’re doing everything we can to round the rest of them up,” A tall, thick-set man said, striding to his bedside, followed closely by a second man. “The name’s Alastor Moody, head of the Auror office. This here is Rufus Scrimgeour. I hear you came wand to wand with a few Death Eaters. Do you mind telling me what you remember?”  
“Remus just woke up,” Hope said, placing a protective arm around her son.”  
“I can talk,” Remus said. “I saw three of them. The first was a girl I didn’t recognize. A little short with curly brown hair. Caradoc disarmed her and used incarcerus on her.”  
“Yes, that was Elena Travers,” Moody said as Scrimgeour wrote something down on a notepad. “What spells did she use?”  
“She only blocked Sirius’ spells,” Remus said. “He attacked her because she was in Death Eater robes. She mentioned that she wasn’t supposed to spill pure blood—only attack muggle-borns. Then there was Rosiere.”  
“How did you recognize him?” Moody asked.  
“I recognized him by… by sent, sir,” Remus said, embarrassed.  
“By scent?” Moody asked, narrowing his eyes at Remus.  
“Remus is a werewolf,” Hope explained, moving very close to her son.  
“Yes, the nurse told me,” Moody said. “I didn’t know werewolves were capable of identifying people by scent while in human form.”  
“The full moon was two nights ago,” Remus explained. “The side-affects are still very strong for me right now.”  
“So you recognized Rosiere?” Moody asked.  
“Yes,” Remus said. “He was the Slytherin head Boy, so I’ve seen him around.” He did not tell Moody that he had been caught breaking school rules by Rosiere on more than one occasion.  
“That’s useful,” Moody commented, nodding at Remus.  
“You can’t honestly believe his testimony,” Scrimgeour scoffed. “I mean, he’s one of them.”  
“And what do you mean by that?” Lyall asked, entering the ward with a cafeteria tray. “What exactly are you suggesting about my son?”  
“Dad, it’s okay,” Remus said. “It doesn’t matter.” Turning to Moody, he continued he account. “Rosiere tried to use the Cruciatus curse on Sirius, and I disarmed him, but it didn’t do much because I’m not very strong right now. Sirius stunned him and then used incarcerus. I don’t think Sirius had used that spell before, though, so he probably got free. Anyway, what’s important is that we saw Lucius Malfoy next.”  
“Lucius Malfoy,” Scrimgeour scoffed. “The Malfoys are a prominent family and have always served the ministry’s interests.”  
“Let’s see if Remus’ testimony matches Sirius’,” Moody suggested. “They won’t have had time to make one up together, so I suggest you listen and take notes like I told you to.” Scowling, Scrimgeour turned back to his notes as Moody focused on Remus again.  
“Malfoy had a group of younger girls at wand-point,” Remus continued, closing his eyes. He could almost feel like he was back there. “He told me to lower my wand or he’d kill one of the girls—Sharla he said her name was—so I lowered my wand but…but he killed her anyway.” Remus paused for a moment to collect himself again. He didn’t think he’d even get the image of Sharla’s lifeless eyes out of his mind. “After that Sirius sort of tackled him, Lucius used expulso on him, and Sirius went flying. I used reducto on Lucius, and then he used the Cruciatus curse on me. That’s when my dad came, but then he came, and Lucius ran for it. And then Dumbledore came and Voldemort left too. That’s all I remember.”  
“Thank you Remus,” Moody said, looking down at him with a curious expression. “I take it you had some practice dueling?”  
“Yes,” Remus said. “Dumbledore’s been giving classes, and sometimes my friends and I practice, just for fun, you know.”  
“Remus has top marks in all his classes,” Hope said proudly. “Including Defense Against the Dark Arts.”  
“Mum, you don’t have to say that to everyone,” Remus said, embarrassed.  
“And he can produce a corporeal patronus,” Lyall added, looking coolly at Scrimgeour. “Which he has used to fight off Dementors, which are aligned with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, if you’d forgotten.”  
“You know who else has aligned with him?” Scrimgeour asked, getting close to Lyall. He was slightly taller, and broader in the shoulders, so he made a much more imposing figure. “Greyback and his herd. The werewolves.”  
“I would never be on Greyback’s side in anything,” Remus spit, practically quivering with anger. He could take rude remarks about werewolves, but the notion that he would fight alongside Greyback was intolerable. “In case you haven’t done your homework, he’s the reason I am what I am. So don’t blame me for the things you find hateful about me: blame him.”  
“This one has fight in his,” Moody chuckled, then, turning to Scrimgeour. “Wait in the hall.”  
“Alastor,” Scrimgeour protested, but it only earned him a dismissive glance. Sending Remus a dirty look, Scrimgeour left the room in a way that was surprisingly dignified for someone who had just been kicked out by his boss.  
“You wouldn’t make a bad Auror,” Moody commented once Scrimgeour was gone.  
“I could never get a Ministry job,” Remus said. “They won’t hire werewolves.”  
“Hm,” Moody said, looking Remus up and down. “I’ll see about that. Desperate times, you know. Try to get the grades: I’ll handle the rest.”  
“Thank you,” Remus stammered as Moody stood to go. He gave the Lupins a curt nod, then turned and walked to the next bed. He had thought Remus would make a good Auror. Dumbledore had managed an exception for Hogwarts, maybe, with a little luck, Remus could get into the Auror office. But it was best not to get his hopes up.

Despite its rocky start, the summer proved to be rather dull. Remus helped in the garden, foraged for potion ingredients, and put permanent sticking charms on jars of healing salves, aphrodisiacs, and herbicides. It really was interesting to see what people would buy, though. Wanting to avoid any confrontations with Amycus Carrow, Remus spent most of his spare time flying, reading, or writing letters to Sirius, James, and Peter. By unspoken agreement, neither Remus nor Sirius mentioned what had happened at the end of last year. Remus knew there was a good chance Sirius would have moved on over the summer, maybe finally taking a fancy to some girl, and he would probably want to chalk it all up to a silly adolescent experiment. Remus couldn’t blame him for this, but he hoped things would turn out differently.  
He had never felt anything so amazing as Sirius giving him head, or even kissing him. He had gone to bed reliving that memory almost every night that summer, or else imagining new scenarios where things went quite a bit further. If Sirius did want to push things little further, however, Remus was not quite sure how he would feel about that. Blowjobs were one thing: actual penetration quite another. As much as he fantasized about it, and even experimented with his fingers, he didn’t feel quite ready to share that part of himself with somebody else. But when Sirius’ hands were on his body, his breath hot against his neck, who knew what Remus might agree to? Sirius could be very persuasive, though Remus had not yet found himself doing anything he afterwards regretted. At least not fully regretted.  
With the thought of seeing Sirius again, and having adventures with his friends, Remus was quite excited to get back to school, really, but there was one problem: King’s Cross.  
“I figure it can’t happen twice,” Remus said, standing outside the station. “I mean, they lost last time, so they wouldn’t come back.”  
“Of course not,” Lyall said bracingly. “I imagine Dumbledore will have a great deal of security now as well.”  
“Right,” Remus said, but he could not bring himself to take a step towards the building.  
“Remus!”  
Remus turned around to see Peter running towards him. “Hi,” he said, hugging his friend, though he broke away rather quickly as Peter was rather sweaty and sticky.  
“Glad to be going back?” Peter asked, looking at the station nervously.  
“Yes,” Remus said, picking up his trunk. “Let’s go.” Projecting confidence he did not have,” Remus smiled at his parents and made his way towards platform nine and three quarters. “I reckon this will be a great year.”  
He and Peter were the first one to make it—safely—onto the Express, where Remus settled into his seat with a good book. James and Sirius barely made it into the compartment in time.  
“Pulled yourself away from mummy in time?” Remus teased as James walked him. When Sirius followed, however, his breath caught in his throat. Sirius had always been attractive, and maybe it was the time away, but Remus thought he was, if possible, even more dashing. He had certainly tanned over the summer, and his tight fit t-shirt left no doubts that he was as fit at ever. More than that, he had acquired a casual ease that he had lost ever since the incident last year. But here he was, grinning at Remus. It was only when Remus noticed James and Peter looking expectantly at him that he realized Sirius had said something.  
“What?” Remus asked, pulling himself out of his daze. Honestly, he was acting like an eleven-year-old girl getting an autograph from a star quidditch player.  
“I asked if your summer was good,” Sirius said laughing.  
“Sorry,” Remus stammered. “Good book you know. But the summer was fine, pretty boring, but boring is good after the year we had.” Sirius gave him a questioning look, so Remus added. “Not that last year was all bad. I mean, we made up and everything, so that was good.”  
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “Despite the near death experiences and detentions, there were some definite perks. I really enjoyed the party after we won the house cup!”  
“Glorious!” James agreed enthusiastically. “Brought to you by me, of course. The Beauxbatons girls were pretty impressed by that.”  
“Oh,” Remus said, nervous energy fluttering around his belly. “Did you get any actions with the French girls?”  
“Nah,” James said. “They were much more interested in Sirius anyways.”  
“Did you…?” Peter asked, practically drooling with excitement.  
“Eh,” Sirius said, shrugging. “I mean, the accents are pretty nice, but to be honest French girls are a little over-rated. I’d rather go for a swim or something. Then you don’t have to waste money on buying them drinks, only to get told you’re an un-cultured English barbarian.” He looked meaningfully at Remus, who relaxed a great deal. Sirius hadn’t been stolen away by a pretty French girl, and the looks he was giving Remus implied he didn’t want to be either.  
“Speaking of girls,” James said, standing up and stretching. “I may say hello to a certain red-headed one. Peter, want to come look for Janet. I hear her acne’s cleared up quite nicely.”  
“Sure,” Peter said, standing up, wiping his sweaty palms off on his trousers.  
“Sirius?” James asked. “Coming?’  
“Nah,” Sirius said lazily. “I got my fill of watching you embarrassing yourself in front of girls over the summer. Just don’t piss her off too much: I hear she’s rather good with a bat-bogey hex.”  
“I will keep that in mind,” James said, messing up the back of his hair. “Don’t get up to any trouble without me.”  
“Don’t worry,” Remus said, pretending to read his book. “I never get up to anything I shouldn’t.” As soon as James closed the compartment door, Remus lowered his book and smiled at Sirius. “Hi,” he said at last.  
“Hi,” Sirius said, but his easy manner was gone now, only to be replaced by a shyer version.  
“Look,” Remus said, “About what happened last year, I won’t blame you if you want to forget that stuff ever happened. Just a one-off, you know.”  
“Oh,” Sirius said, looking a little disappointed. He had spent the whole summer convincing himself that his feeling for Remus were totally fine, and that he could want his best friend, want to suck off his best friend, and still be totally straight. But now Remus didn’t want him, which was only fair after all he had done last year.  
“Unless,” Remus said slowly, “You don’t want to forget.”  
“I—I don’t,” Sirius said, staring at his feet. Then, lifting his gaze to meet Remus’, he added. “I don’t regret any of it.”  
“Me neither,” Remus said, grinning now. “Besides, I still owe you one.”  
“One what?” James asked, re-entering the compartment.  
“Ch-chocolate frog card,” Remus stammered quickly.  
“That was quick,” Sirius said. “Evans got rid of you that fast?”  
“Unfortunately, no,” Lily said, appearing in the compartment door. “I’m here for Remus. You’re needed for the prefect’s meeting.”  
“Prefect?” James said, spinning to face his friend. “You never mentioned that.”  
“I knew you’d tease me,” Remus groaned. “I suppose I was just putting off the inevitable though. But I do have to go.”  
“This is not over,” James called as his friend slipped past him and down the aisle to the front of the train. “If they make you walk the straight and narrow we’re done! And I mean it Remus, I won’t stand for any rule-following bullshit.”  
“Alright,” Remus called back, laughing.  
“Why do you put up with him?” Lily asked, shaking her head.  
“He’s actually a good friend when he’s not teasing you mercilessly. And he usually knows when to lay off. Well, sometimes.” Remus did not like to think what James would say if he knew what Sirius and he had gotten up to at the end of the year, and, hopefully, would be continuing to do.

“Sirius?’ Remus asked, pulling aside the hangings of the other boy’s bed. “Can I come in?”  
He could feel his heart pounding with anticipation before Sirius said, “Yeah, come on in.” Grinning, Remus pulled aside the hangings and crawled in on top of Sirius, who was mostly undressed on top of his blankets. “muffliato,” he muttered, pointing his wand to the hangings. As the space was somewhat limited, Remus straddled his friend, causing Sirius’ to take a sharp inhalation. Smiling, Remus leaned forward to kiss Sirius, but only once before breaking away. “Why’d you stop?” Sirius asked, practically pouting.  
“Too hot,” Remus answered, pulling his Pajama top off and dropping it thoughtlessly on the ground outside the bed. Now stripped of his unnecessary fabric, Remus leaned back in, but this time he plunged his tongue into Sirius’ mouth and kissed him with all the passion he had felt over the summer. Sirius gladly welcomed him in, and pulled Remus in closer to deepen the kiss. Moaning, Sirius slipped his hand down Remus’ pajama bottoms and felt out his friend’s backside. It was nicely firm, but round in his hand. Remus made some sort of noise, and it took Sirius a few moments to realize he was laughing at the same time that he was trying to kiss him. “You like that?” Sirius asked, pulling away.  
“Mm,” Remus answered, running his hand from Sirius’ check down to his groin. Taking his friend in hand, Remus started pumping his hand up and down, watching Sirius close his eyes and lean his head back.  
“So fucking good Moony,” He groaned. Remus smiled, noticing how Sirius’ had used his nickname. He found he liked that better: it felt more intimate.  
“How’s this?” Remus asked, kissing Sirius down his front, then peeling off his sweaty boxers. He placed kisses just at the inside of Sirius’ thigh and watched his friend ball his hands into fists. “Good?” Remus asked, kissing the skin just above his friend’s cock. Sirius could only moan in response. “I think this will feel even better,” Remus said, lowering his mouth onto Sirius. Groaning with pleasure, Sirius arched his back and grabbed Remus’ shoulder’s, digging his nails into his friend’s flesh. Aroused by his friend’s reckless abandon, Remus slipped one hand down his own pants as he pleasured Sirius with the other. The sounds coming from his friend’s mouth were arousing beyond belief, and what was happening in his own mouth was exciting as well. He liked feeling full of Sirius, and enjoyed the challenge, seeing how deep he could go, experimenting with his tongue.  
With Remus sucking his off the way he was, it didn’t take Sirius long to come. . His body shuddered with the pleasure of it, a stronger release than he had ever given himself. Looking down, he saw his friend touching himself as well.  
“Come up here and do that where I can see,” Sirius growled, pulling Remus up, so he could lie next to Sirius, desperately bringing himself to orgasm. “Here,” Sirius said, taking his friend in hand. “I want to touch you.” As he pleasured Remus with his hand, he worked his mouth over his friend’s neck and throat, kissing him just under the jawbone, or just to the side of his mouth.  
“Sirius,” Remus gasped, bucking up against the other boy’s thigh. “So close.” A few seconds later Remus gasped as Sirius bit down on his lip and turned onto his back as the moment of oblivion came. “Fuck,” he groaned, rolling his head back to look at Sirius. As soon as their eyes came into contact they both burst out laughing. Laughing at the fact that they were both blokes, best mates, not supposed to be doing these things, but enjoying them so much. When his laughter subsided Remus rolled back on top of Sirius and rested his head on his friend’s shoulder. He wished he could stay there in his post orgasmic bliss forever, his body next to Sirius’ smelling his musky scent, hand on his marvelously flat abs, feeling his breath on his neck. After a few moments he head Sirius’ breath slow down and he knew his friend had fallen asleep. “Goodnight Sirius,” Remus whispered. With a final kiss, Remus slipped out of his one bed and crawled into another, falling asleep within seconds.

“Black? Mind joining us again?”  
Sirius looked up to see Professor Flitwick standing beside his desk. “I would like to see how much progress you’ve made on Substantive Charms.”  
“Substantive?” Sirius asked, then shaking his head, “Oh, right Professor. Conuibia.” His glass of water gave a feeble shudder, but stayed undeniably solid.  
“I thought so,” Flitwick sighed. “And you, Lupin?”  
“Conuibia,” Remus said, promptly turning his water into something the consistency jell-o.  
“Very good,” Flitwick said, approvingly. “At the end of the lesson it should be hard as glass. Liquefiet.”  
Grumbling, Sirius turned back to his water. This was all Remus’ fault anyway. If he hadn’t been sitting beside Sirius looking so damn sexy, then maybe Sirius would have gotten some progress but as it was, he had been admiring the shape of Remus’ neck, the way his shoulders sloped down to strong biceps. Sirius glanced back up at Remus’ face, which was currently focused on substantive charms. His lips were moving softly as he quietly recited incantations. Sirius liked how Remus always mouthed his words out just slightly when he was studying or writing an essay. He also liked other things that Remus did with him mouth in the privacy of one of their beds. For the last two weeks, Sirius had been enjoying Remus’ body and his own. After everything he had done, after all the things Remus had done, it was hardly his fault he would rather stare at Remus’ ass than solidify a glass of fucking water.  
As the bell signaled the end of class, Sirius reluctantly tore his eyes off Remus and gathered up his things and headed in the direction of the Muggle Studies classroom with James and Peter, who were headed the same way for Divination. “So,” James said, slinging his arm around Sirius’ shoulder—a sign that he probably wanted something—“How do you feel about playing beater for the Gryffindor quidditch team?”  
“No way,” Sirius said, shaking his head violently. “I’m allergic to commitment. And flying in the rain. And achy balls.”  
“Not like your balls have been up to much else,” James teased.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius demanded.  
“Oh come on,” James said. “You’ve got half the girls in our year pining over you, but you don’t make your move. Are you a fifteen-year-old boy or what? You’d think you had taken vows of celibacy or something. Get your head in the game, man.” The moment James said those words it was like something in Sirius’ head snapped, and a great weight fell on him crushing him with a force he did not understand.  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, feeling a burning sensation in his throat. What the fuck was he doing with Remus? He was supposed to be chasing girls like any healthy male his age, not fooling around with his friend, his male friend. Sirius suddenly felt uncomfortably hot and sick. What he had been doing was disgusting. How had he convinced himself otherwise?  
But it had felt so good.  
He was not the kind of person who got off with other boys, was he? Shit. He couldn’t be queer. No. No, he liked girls, and he would get something going with them. He just needed to end this distraction with Remus and get on with the real thing. Everything would feel so much better when it was with a real girl.  
But how could anything feel as good as Remus had made him feel so good? No, that was sick, that was so wrong. Humans weren’t made that way—it wasn’t natural.  
“Sirius,” James asked, looking at his friend with concern.  
“Bathroom,” Sirius managed to say. “Bad bacon this morning or something.”  
“But we had sausage,” Peter said as Sirius hurried off to the bathroom. “Should we make sure he’s okay?”  
“Don’t want to be late,” James said, glancing at his watch. “He’ll be fine.”  
But Sirius was not fine. Pacing madly around the bathroom, he stormed into one of the stalls and hit his forehead against the stall door. Rolling up his sleeve he did the only thing that made him feel better. He had been bad, and only punishment could make it right. When he opened up hi skin and let his blood well up he finally felt he could breathe again. Everything was going to be okay. He would break things off with Remus, find a girl, and get back to normal. It would be like none of this had ever happened.

Sirius’ stomach curled up when he heard the sound of Remus’ drawing his hangings aside. When Remus pulled open his hangings Sirius rolled away from his friend on to the side.  
“You okay?” Remus murmured. “James said you weren’t feeling very well earlier today?”  
“I’m fine,” Sirius said, trying to make himself say the words he knew he needed to say. “I’m just not in the mood.”  
“Alright,” Remus said. When Remus lightly places his hand on the other boy’s shoulder Sirius shuddered with a mix of revulsion and desire. He wanted nothing more but to turn over and take Remus in his arms, kiss him for all he was worth, but that was disgusting. “What are you doing?” he said coldly.  
“Sorry,” Remus said. “I just wanted to kiss you goodnight.”  
“I said I’m not in the mood. Why are you always trying to get in pants?” Sirius spat, staring belligerently at his hangings so he would not have to see the look of mingled confusion and hurt on Remus’ face.  
“I didn’t deserve that,” Remus said softly. Standing up he said. “I hope you feel better in the morning.”

The next morning Remus sat down at the breakfast table anxiously. Hoping Sirius’ words the night before had only been due to him not feeling well, Remus smiled at him, but Sirius refused to meet his eye.  
“Something got you in a bad mood mate?” James asked, sitting across from his friend. “You look murderous.”  
“I’m fine,” Sirius said, savagely skewering a potato. James sent a questioning glance at Remus, who was normally much better at interpreting Sirius’ moods, but only got a confused shrug in response. Remus had no earthly idea what had gotten Sirius’ knickers all in a twist. Just yesterday he had spent half of their classes staring at Remus, but now he was giving him the cold shoulder. It would probably be like last time after their kiss when he had avoided Remus afterwards. Then he would come around, and things would get back to, well, not normal exactly, but back to how things had been going. All he had to do was wait for Sirius to come around. Looking over at his brooding friend, Remus just hoped in wouldn’t take nine days.

Sirius walked throughout the halls on a rampage. He didn’t think he had felt this furious before: he wanted to hex everyone and everything in sight. He had tried everything to make this horrible feeling go away, even gone to a quidditch practice to hit things with a bat, but it didn’t work. Nothing worked. Turning into a hidden passageway he screamed in frustration. Hoping anyone who might overhear him would just take him for an angry ghost, he sunk down into a seated position. He couldn’t think: he couldn’t focus on everything. His mind was in turmoil. He needed release, and he knew where to get it, but he had decided he couldn’t do that, but it was driving him crazy, but it was all wrong. He was all wrong.  
“Fuck,” he screamed, throwing his book bag—the first thing in sight—at the wall opposite him. “Fuck,” he repeated, quieter now. He was going crazy, he was actually going around the bend. All day and night he had voices assaulting him, telling him he was dirty, perverted, shameful. Grabbing his head in his hands, Sirius crouched down and put his head between his knees, trying to catch his breath. He had never felt like this before: and he was freaking out. You’re a freak! The voices in his head said. You’re a dirty pervert, touching him like that, letting his touch you. Filthy, shameful, vile.  
“No,” Sirius whimpered, rocking back and forth on his heels. “Stop. Please, stop.”  
He felt like he was falling, falling madly and he had lost all control over his body and his mind. “What’s happening to me?” he asked the stone walls.  
You’re nothing. You’re a fucking fairy pervert. You are worthless piece of shit, and you’ll never be anything more. Grow some balls and man the fuck up.  
He needed to move, needed something to distract him from this Hell inside his head. Picking up his bag, Sirius walked out down the halls towards the grounds, not sure where he was going. He was just passing the library when he saw Remus step out the door, and stopped short. He new what he needed, and Remus was the cure he craved. He felt it as surely as he had felt anything. “Remus,” he said, stepping up to his friend, breathing heavily.  
“Sirius?’ Remus asked. “What’s going on? Have you been running or something? You look angry, what happened?”  
“I need you,” Sirius gasped, using all his restraint not to start kissing Remus in the hallway then and there.  
“I—I don’t understand,” Remus stammered. Sirius looked somewhat deranged, and more than a little scary.  
“Please,” Sirius begged, “there’s corridor, please. I need you.”  
“You want—“ Remus started to say, but Sirius had grabbed him by the hand and dragged him behind a tapestry. “Oh,” he said as Sirius went at him, kissing his chin and neck, pulling at his clothes. He wasn’t sure what to make of this. He was glad, of course, to have Sirius acknowledging his existence, of course, but this was a little fast. “Sirius,” he gasped. This was totally unexpected, but not entirely unwanted. He liked Sirius’ boldness, and his body was definitely responding to Sirius’ hands.  
“Please Remus,” Sirius gasped into his friend’s shoulder. “Please say yes. I need you right now.”  
“Alright,” Remus said, and before he knew it Sirius had both of their pants down and was grinding against him, his hard cock sliding back and forth against Remus’ thigh. And it felt good too, damn good. Groaning, Remus leaned back, allowing Sirius full access to his neck. Shoving his hands up Remus’ shirt to feel his chest, rub his hard nipples, Sirius plunged his tongue into the other boy’s mouth and kissed him as hard as he could, pouring the last week’s passion and desire into that kiss. And Remus matched him back, grabbing Sirius’ neck so he could kiss back with equal force. Sirius’ nails were cutting into his back, but the pain felt good, so good. This was what he wanted: Sirius, focusing all his energy on his body, grabbing his buttocks, biting his lower lip, pleasuring them both with his hand, pushing himself between Remus’ thighs. Remus came in an eye-popping tsunami of pleasure, spilling semen onto Sirius’ exposed stomach.  
Seeing his friend had not yet climaxed, Remus lowered himself onto his knees and took Sirius into his mouth. He had gotten enough practice doing this that it had started to feel natural, sliding back and forth, up and down. Sirius’ hand on his head urged him to go faster, deeper, and he did so, taking in more of Sirius than he thought he could.  
“Fuck Moony,” Sirius gasped as he came into his friend’s mouth, feeling for a moment as if he were on top of the world and nothing could stop him. As his breathing slowed, however, his mania was replaced by a cold empty feeling. What had he just done? What the fuck was wrong with him? What kind of boy engaged in hurried sexual encounters with their friends in empty corridors?  
“That was good,” Remus said, standing to face his friend.  
“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Sirius groaned, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall.  
“Excuse me,” Remus said, his heart sinking. Turning away from his friend, he covered his face with his hands. He felt sick. “Fuck, Sirius, I feel so stupid right now. You drag me into a corridor, I suck your cock, and you say it’s all a mistake. That’s fucked up Sirius, really fucked up. I can’t believe I did this, after all the shit you’ve pulled.”  
“Yeah, well you weren’t exactly complaining,” Sirius argued. “You got yours and I got mine. We’re even.”  
“You think that’s what this is about?” Remus demanded, practically shaking in his fury. “I’m just some fuck toy just sitting on the shelf whenever you decide to use me. So this is all just about getting off? Is that what you want from me?”  
“No,” Sirius shouted, though a voice inside his head urged him to say yes.  
“Well then what do you want from me?” Remus asked, desperate to understand what had just happened.  
“I want you to be a girl!” Sirius cried, realizing as he said it as true the moment it spilled out of his mouth.  
“Well,” Remus said, choking back tears. “Go find one then. I’m not begging you to stay.”  
“Yeah,” Sirius sneered, stepping back from his friend. “Well you get down on your knees easy enough.”

Sirius ran through the trees, not sure what he was running from, but sure he had to get away. _Cock-sucker! Homo! Filthy, vile, cum-eating poofer whore!_  
“Stop,” Sirius screamed, turning around to see only trees. What was happening to him? He was burning with shame, not quite sure if he was more guilty about what he had done with Remus or about what he had said to his friend after. He deserved it. He’s corrupting you, the dirty half-breed. This is all his fault: he’s a monster, perversion of nature.. “No,” Sirius shouted, now more sure of himself. “No, you’re wrong. You’re wrong. Suddenly very tired, Sirius sank onto his knees. What was happening to his mind? All he knew was he had to keep running.

“Where is Sirius” James said, glancing at the clock. It was one in the morning. “Tell me what happened again?”  
“I don’t know,” Remus said miserably. “He came up to me and he was acting really strange. Almost manic. At first I thought he was just in a good mood, but then he got really nasty. He said some pretty horrible things, and it was like I didn’t recognize him anymore. I don’t know what got into him.”  
“He’s been acting… erratic all week,” James sighed. “I don’t know what’s happening. His mood has been so weird. Do you think he could have gotten bad potion, or drugs or something? I haven’t seen him like this since the incident last year. Did he talk to you about any of it.”  
“He hasn’t talked to me since Tuesday,” Remus said. He wondered if he should tell James what had been happening the last few weeks, but he was too humiliated. He had let Sirius use him, and he had enjoyed it, all of it. But now he was really worried about his friend. Unspeakably angry, but worried too. What was happening to Sirius?  
“The map!” Peter shouted at last. “We can find him on the map!”  
“Peter, you’re brilliant,” James shouted, rushing to his Sirius’ trunk and throwing the contents this way and that until he found what he was looking for. “Mischief managed,” he muttered—Sirius had set up some security precautions.  
“There he is,” Remus said, pointing at a dark dot on the map. “By the lake, just at the edge of the forest.”  
“I’ll get the cloak,” James said, making a mess of his trunk as he searched. “Let’s go,” he said, hurriedly throwing the cloak over his friends. Had they passed anybody in the halls, they would likely have noticed running legs exposed under the hem of an invisibility cloak, or heard the heavy breathing of three boys. At some point James did away with the cloak all together and kept running towards the lake, Peter trailing several meters behind.  
“There his is,” James cried, rushing to his friend who was curled in a ball on the path leading around the lake. “I think he’s unconscious,” he added as Remus knelt down beside Sirius’ form.  
“Sirius?” Remus asked, shaking his friend slightly. Looking up at James, he said “He needs the hospital wing.”  
“What will we tell them?” James asked, very aware of the fact that they were very far out of bounds very late at night.  
“The truth,” Remus said at last, giving James a hard, cold stare. Reporting any rule-breaking was strictly against marauder code, but they were both worried enough not to care. Remus helped pick Sirius up and throw him over James’ shoulder. Adding support to make sure Sirius and James didn’t topple over, Remus followed close behind.  
“What’s happening?” Peter asked, catching up with his friends as they made their way back up to the castle.  
“I don’t know,” Remus sighed. “I just don’t know Pete.” The three boys silently trudged up to the castle, Remus and James taking turn supporting their fourth friend. It took them a while to get to the hospital wing, but luckily they met no teachers along the way. When they finally arrived at the hospital wing a very tired looking Madame Pomfrey walked out to meet them.  
“What’s happening boys?” She demanded, no doubt wondering if this was some sort of a prank.  
“It’s Sirius,” Remus explained at James went to deposit his friend on a hospital wing. “We don’t know what’s wrong with him exactly, but we think he’s passed out. We found him asleep on the path around the lake.”  
“When did you find him?” Madame Pomfrey said.  
“Just now,” Remus answered, hoping she wouldn’t start in on him. Luckily she didn’t. “I was the last to see him, and that was just before dinner. I don’t know how long he was out there.”  
Madame Pomfrey walked over to Sirius, did a few quick diagnostic spells with her wands, then gestured for James, Peter and Remus to sit down.  
“I’m glad you brought him here,” she said, taking a seat opposite the three boys. “As far as I can tell he’s just exhausted. Do you know how he’s been sleeping?”  
“Not well,” James answered. “He’s been pacing around the dorm at odd hours, or sometimes he’s just not in his bed and hasn’t told anyone why.” Remus and Peter nodded in agreement.  
“How has his emotional state been like recently,” Madame Pomfrey asked, writing down a note.  
James and Remus exchanged looks, not sure what to say. It seemed invasive to talk about Sirius this way to somebody, but the more they thought about it, the more they know something had to be seriously wrong.  
“He’s certainly been acting odd for the last week,” Remus said at last. “He’s been avoiding me mostly, but this evening he got very angry with me, almost frightening.”  
“He’s been angry all week,” James put in. “Storming around everywhere, snapping easily. He came to a quidditch practice but the captain had to ask him to leave because she thought he might hurt somebody with a bludger or something. He’s mostly just been brooding, not saying anything, but he looks really upset.”  
“He’s never been like this before,” Peter added, glancing at the unconscious form of his friend. “He’s always been moody, but this week it felt like one moment he’d be feeling one thing, then another the next, and saying things that don’t make sense. At first he just seemed like he was just in a bad mood, but the lat few days have been much more… dramatic.”  
“Thank you boys,” Madame Pomfrey sighed, looking exhausted as she did so. “Go back to your dorm and get some sleep. I’ll have somebody watching him here at all times, so you needn’t worry about him.”  
“Can we…” Remus started to say, but Madame Pomfrey cut in.  
“I don’t think he should have visitors just yet. I will tell you when I think he is ready.”  
“Alright,” James said, standing up to go. When they left, Remus paused at the door, watching as Madame Pomfrey drew the curtains around Sirius’ bed. Should he tell her about the encounters he had been having with Sirius? Or about his parents hurting him? But Sirius would never forgive him for telling those things, and Remus could not bear to lose Sirius, even still. Fuck, he though, why do I need him so much?

Sirius woke up feeling as if he had been very far away for a very long time. Squinting in the light, he saw white curtains. Where was he? Propping himself up on his elbows he looked around, registering that he was in the hospital wing. What had happened to get him in here? With a crushing wave of realization, Sirius suddenly remembered the last week of Hell he had endured. The mood swings, the uncontrollable anger, what had happened in that passageway with Remus. Remus. He had cocked everything up again, as if he had not done enough already. Groaning, Sirius shut his eyes and blocked it all out. He could not handle this right now. It would be better just to go back to sleep. Yes, sleep was good. No need to think, or feel, or remember.  
Over the next few days, Sirius floated in and out of drams. The memories trickled in one, by one, but Sirius felt numb to them, as if he was watching a film of somebody else’s life. The boy of the last week had not been recognizable as him. Who had he become?  
Madame Pomfrey would come over to him every few hours, give him food, which he ate, and a potion that smelled strongly of peppermint, which he drank without complaint. He had the strange feeling of being somewhere between sleeping and waking, rising just above the water for a short time, then slipping back under. Each time he re-surface, however, he found he could stay a little longer, could begin to bear the reality of his last week.  
One evening as Madame Pomfrey was clearing away the plates from his dinner he worked up the nerve to ask her, “How long have I been here?”  
“Four days dear,” She answered, smiling kindly at him.  
“Am—am I going crazy?” He asked, shaking with fear.  
“No dear,” Madame Pomfrey said softly. “I believe you have experienced a psychotic episode. Do you know what that is?”  
“It means a nice way of saying I’m crazy,” Sirius said bitterly. Just like every other Black, he was becoming bitter, deluded and insane. It was his birthright after all.  
“No,” Madame Pomfrey said. “You weren’t yourself. I know it is frightening, but there is nothing wrong with you. With time you will be feeling normal again soon.”  
“Until this happens again,” Sirius said, avoiding her eyes.  
“Should you feel these symptoms coming again you need to tell somebody, and we can help you through it. There’s no need for things to get to the point they did. I know it can be hard to talk to people about these things, but every member of the staff here would be more than happy to help you.”  
“Have you told everyone I’m psycho then?” Sirius asked.  
“I have told them some warning signs to look for,” the nurse replied. “As I’ve told you, you are not psycho or crazy. You were ill for a time, and it affected your behavior. Your friends understand that too. They brought you here after they found you by the black lake. It seems you ran around the whole lake and passed out. Would you like to see them?”  
No,” Sirius said sharply. “He could not bear to think of his friends’ faces when they saw him. They would know he was just like his family, as mad as the rest of them. James would probably laugh at him, Peter would do whatever James did, and Remus… he didn’t think he could ever look at Remus again after what he had done. He had been cruel and probably pushed his friend away for good.  
“What I’m wondering is what brought this on?” Madame Pomfrey continued. “Usually there is some sort of stressful event or catalyst. If there’s anything going on in your life that you need to talk about I think it would help you a great deal to get it off your chest. I assure you over the years I have helped students through a great deal of difficult situations, and I can assure you these is very little you could say that would shock me.”  
Except that I want to fuck my best friend, Sirius thought bitterly. Teenage boys don’t think those sorts of things, not normal ones anyway.  
“Well,” she said sadly. “If you need somebody to talk to, you know where I am.”  
“Sure,” Sirius said, turning onto his side away from her. There was no way he was telling her anything.

Pulling aside the curtains to his friend’s bed, Remus slipped out of the invisibility cloak and gently shook Sirius’ shoulder. “Sirius,” he said, “It’s me, Remus. Are you awake.” Peering over to the other side of the bed, Remus saw Sirius’ quickly close his eyes. “You really ought to get better at pretending to sleep,” Remus said, walking to the other side of the bed and sitting down.  
“I’m not supposed to have visitors,” Sirius grumbled.  
“And you don’t think one of use has been coming down here every chance we get to see if you’re awake? James kept giving himself minor injuries until Madame Pomfrey threatened to take ten points from Gryffindor every time he hurt himself. Anyways, I want to talk to you.”  
“I know you hate me,” Sirius said. “I know I’m just another crazy Black, and I’m a horrible person, so you don’t need to tell me.”  
“I’m not angry,” Remus said softly.  
“Like Hell you’re not,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “After what I did. After what I said to you, how could you not be?”  
“Well of course I was mad at first,” Remus said. “It really hurt, and I never wanted to speak to you again, but after talking to James it’s clear you just weren’t yourself. I’m not saying things are back to normal, but I can tell you were suffering. You wouldn’t have said that to me otherwise. I know you care about me, Sirius, so just let me care about you. Talk to me about these things, or else you just end up hurting me, and I don’t know how much more I can take.”  
“I can’t promise you anything,” Sirius said bitterly. “I’m going crazy Remus, full on bat-shit crazy. I didn’t even know what I was doing or why I was doing it, and I don’t even know who I was.”  
“I know,” Remus said softly.  
“No you don’t,” Sirius shouted, sitting up angrily. “You have no idea what it was like.”  
“You’re right,” Remus laughed. “I have no idea what it’s like to be out of control of my mind and body and then be horrified by what I did once I’m back in control. I can’t imagine any experiences I’ve had like that.”  
“Oh,” Sirius said, leaning back against the headboard, ashamed of himself again.  
“Yeah,” Remus said, moving to sit on Sirius’ bed with him. “So can we just agree that I can understand some of what you went through?”  
“Madame Pomfrey called it a psychotic episode,” Sirius admitted, staring pointedly at the ceiling. “Which means I’m going crazy.”  
“No, you’re not,” Remus said, taking Sirius’ hand in his. “It just means you need some help. These things happen, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t wonderful, or that you’re a bad person. You just need to talk to somebody if it starts again. I promise, even if I’m really pissed off at you for something I will be there for you..”  
“Why?” Sirius demanded, turning to his friend. “Why do you want to help me?”  
“Why do you?” Remus asked. “Why do you take care of me every full moon? Why are you trying to become and animagus? Why do you care about me when I have a disease?”  
“Because you’re a good person,” Sirius answered. “You deserve to be loved and cared about. I don’t.”  
“But I do care about you,” Remus insisted. “Even if that makes me crazy and daft, I care about you, Sirius. And so does James, and Peter. We all do.”  
“But why?” Sirius repeated. “What have I done to deserve it?”  
“You don’t have to do anything to deserve love,” Remus answered. “It just happens because you are who you are, and I know who you are and I just care about you. There’s never a rational reason that can be explained. It’s—“ Remus cut himself off. He had wanted to say, “it’s the way parents love their children no matter what,” but Sirius’ would not be able to understand that. “Look,” Remus continued. “I didn’t understand why the three of you would stick with me because I had only experienced people hating me, except for my parents, but they feel responsible so it’s different. You’re used to needing to live up to standards to be loved, but that’s not how it’s supposed to work. You are supposed to be loved just for being.”  
“But I don’t deserve it,” Sirius cried. “Remus, I used you, and I said awful things to you.”  
“Yes,” Remus sighed. “Yes you did. And it felt horrible.”  
“Did I—did you feel forced,” Sirius asked at last, voicing the question that had been making him feel sick with worry.  
“No,” Remus said slowly. “Looking back, I should have known something was wrong, and I did, but I just wanted to think it was normal and you were just being… I don’t know, passionate. I wanted to think you could want me and that everything was going to be okay, so I ignored the truth. But I agreed to everything we did. What you did was wrong and hurtful, but you didn’t take advantage of me.” He paused to collect his thoughts and looked back up to Sirius. “Look, I know that how you feel about me is confusing for you, and I was wondering if that had anything to do with your emotional state. Because everything was fine, and then one day you didn’t want anything to do with me and things just got worse for you at the same time.”  
“I don’t know,” Sirius moaned. “Sometimes it’s just that you’re all I want, but then it’s like there’s somebody inside me telling me that it’s all wrong, and that I need to end things, and it just got to be too much, and I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t know which voice was mine anymore, and I lost control of myself, and it was so terrifying.”  
“It’s okay,” Remus said, holding his friend, who was starting to sob uncontrollable. “It’s okay, Sirius, we’ll figure something out. It’s just, I think this is too much for you, this thing between you and me.”  
Hiccupping Sirius looked up at his friend. “You want to end things?” He asked. Of course Remus had every reason to end it, end their friendship really, but it hurt him anyway.  
“I don’t want to,” Remus said. “But I think it’s the best thing. When you said those things to me, I know you didn’t mean it, but it was devastating. I felt like I meant nothing to you, and I don’t think I can feel that way again. So if this happens again, I think it would hurt me too much, so until you really have this figured out, I don’t think I can be involved with you in that way. I’m still your friend, and I’m here for you no matter what, but I don’t think I can be anything more.”  
“I’m so sorry,” Sirius said, coming undone again. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I feel horrible about it.”  
“I know,” Remus said, stroking Sirius’ hair. “And I really do forgive you, but I need to end things… for me. And I think this might be best for you too. Maybe things were going too fast for both of us.”  
“What if I never figure it out?” Sirius asked. “What if this keeps happening to me, and I never get better?”  
“Then I will be you’re friend the whole time,” Remus said, smiling. “And it won’t make me think any less of you.”  
“And James and Peter?” Sirius asked. “What am I going to tell them? I don’t want them to know that I’m… that I have problems.”  
“If you don’t want them to know, they don’t have to.” At a questioning look from Sirius he sighed and continued. “I can talk to them, explain to them that you don’t want to talk about it and they shouldn’t push it. They’ll listen to me: I’m sure of it. And if they give you a hard time I’ll kick their sorry asses for you. Nobody gets to mess with my friend.”  
“Thank-you Remus,” Sirius said, burying his face in his friend’s chest. “You’re the best friend I could hope for. I don’t know how I got so luck to have you.”  
“I feel the same way about you,” Remus said. “Now you should get some sleep. Go on and lie down.”  
“Will you stay with me?” Sirius asked, his voice full of vulnerability and fear.  
“Of course I will,” Remus said, wrapping his arms around Sirius. “I’ll stay as long as you want. I won’t leave you.” As Sirius slowly slipped to sleep, tears tracks still shining on his cheek, Remus choked back his own tears. It was breaking his heart to end things with Sirius, but he would rather be his friend for years than his lover for a few weeks, and then nothing again.

When Madame Pomfrey checked on Sirius early that morning, she was not surprised to see Remus sleeping next to his friend, arms wrapped protectively around Sirius’ sleeping figure. Shaking her head, she walked away, drawing the curtains behind her and returned to her office. He had someone at least, and hopefully that would get him by.

“Where were you last night?” James demanded as Remus walked into the dormitory just after he had woken up, left Sirius, and rushed to get his things from the dorm. “We were so worried, after what happened with Sirius and you disappeared to,” James said, pacing the room madly. “When you never came back, it was like it was all happening again.”  
“I’m sorry,” Remus said, sitting back down on his bed. “I just started talking to Sirius, and we had a really good conversation so I stayed with him when he fell asleep an I guess I fell asleep too.”  
“He talked to you?” James demanded. “What’s going on? Is he alright?”  
“Look,” Remus said, trying to find the best way to put things. “He’s having a really hard time, and he isn’t ready to talk about things just yet. He needs you to just be there for him and not ask questions or push him. It’s going to take him a while to talk about these things.”  
“But he’ll talk to you,” James said coldly. “I’m his best friend too.”  
“This isn’t about your ego,” Remus cried, starting to lose his temper. “Look, you joke and play pranks and laugh about everything, and he doesn’t think you can do anything else. He talks to me because I’ve had some similar experiences in my life that you will hopefully never understand. This has to be about him, and the fact that he can talk to somebody, no mater who it is. Can you do that?”  
“Yeah,” James said, stepping back a bit. “Yeah, but I want to be the kind of friend he can talk to about things too, I just don’t know how. You just get these kinds of things without trying, but it’s confusing for me.”  
“I know,” Remus sighed. “And it’s confusing for me too, but I guess I know what I would want to hear, and I know how he feels because a lot of the times I felt that way too.”  
“But you won’t tell me what it is that’s bothering him?” James said.  
“No,” Remus said firmly. “That’s his to tell, and if I tell you he’ll never trust me, or either of us again. You wouldn’t want that to happen would you?”  
“No,” James conceded. “I just hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do for him.”  
“Just be a good friend,” Remus said. “Be there for him when he’s ready, and don’t tease him too much. I think he’s more sensitive than he lets on.”  
“Oh,” James said, looking down at his feet. Now that he thought about it, he had done just that, and shortly before all Sirius’ erratic behavior began. Had he started all of this?

“Remus,” James called, running to catch up with his friend, who was headed for the library. “Remus come with me! We’ve got something to show you.”  
“What?” Remus asked, allowing his friend to lead him towards the fourth floor mirror. “I have an arithmancy assignment I need to do.”  
“This is more important,” James insisted. “And just say you couldn’t get it done on time due to your furry little problem. Teachers will let you get out of anything because of that.”  
“I don’t want to make excuses for things I’m perfectly able to do,” Remus protested.  
“Well this is going to help with you with that,” James said. “With luck, you’ll be able to do your paper sooner than usual.”  
“Is this about your animagus forms?” Remus asked.  
“Just wait and see,” James said. They had reached the fourth floor mirror, and once on the other side, Remus found Peter and Sirius waiting.  
“I finally did it,” Sirius cried at last. “Look,” he said, and right before Remus’ eyes he fell onto his hands, sprouted fur, grew larger, and elongated his face until he was a large, almost bear-sized shaggy dog.  
“You did it,” Remus agreed, smiling. Walking forward, he tentatively scratched Sirius’ ears. “This is really weird,” he said at last. Sirius let out a small bark and then playfully licked the side of Remus’ face. “Gross!” Remus said, though he was laughing. “Don’t you ever try that in human form.”  
“I’m almost finished too,” James said, morphing into a stag… almost. He was a little small for a stag, and still had some human-ish qualities that Remus could not quite settle on.  
“Me too,” Peter said excitedly. Screwing up his face in concentration, he twisted until he was shrinking down to a rat the size of a small cat. Growing back into his human form, he commented. “I can’t stay long, and I’m still too big, but maybe next month we’ll all be ready.”  
“And then you won’t get hurt so much,” Sirius said, now a human again. “I could come with you tomorrow night, keep you company.”  
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Remus said. Seeing the disappointed look on Sirius’ face, he added, “Not that I’m not grateful, I just think I have less of a chance of hurting you if there are three of you. I wouldn’t feel comfortable if it was just one. Plus, we need to know if you can stay in your dog form long enough. We can all wait one more month: we’ve already waited three years.”  
“I don’t want you to get hurt again this month,” Sirius complained. “I know I can handle it.”  
“Just give me one more month,” Remus insisted. “Let me get used to the idea. But great work, really. I can’t believe this mad plan actually worked.”  
“Sometimes the madness is genius,” James explained, grinning. “On the whole, I’d say mischief managed.”


	4. Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TW: Suicide attempt, more self harm

“So, what’s going on with you and Remus?” James asked, looking awkwardly at his friend. Sirius had barely said anything, or left his bed except for classes since leaving the hospital wing three weeks ago. He had told everyone he got the flu, but he was not over his funk. James could not comprehend what was going on or what to say, but he didn’t want his friend to think he couldn’t be serious too.

“What do you mean by that?” Sirius demanded.

 _Shit._ James had said the wrong thing: again. “Nothing,” He stammered. “You guys were super close at the beginning of the year, and then you didn’t speak to him for a week when you were—when things weren’t good. Where do you stand now?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius sighed, leaning back on his bed. “I—I said something really awful to him, and I feel wretched about it.”

“What did you say?” James asked.

There was no way Sirius could tell him, because that meant telling him that he and Remus had been messing around, touching one another. No, James probably already thought he was a freak: he didn’t need any more evidence to confirm that. “I don’t want to repeat it,” Sirius said quietly. “He’s not angry at me about it, not anymore, but I just feel so horrible. I feel like I just keep hurting him, no matter how much he means to me. I mean, he’s the only person who I feel like I can talk to.” What he didn’t say was that they were both mad about each other, but trying to only be friends because Remus couldn’t trust him. He didn’t want James to know that either.

“I see,” James said, feeling cold all over.

“I mean, he understands things,” Sirius spluttered. “Everybody likes you James, but not everybody loves me, and Remus understand that because of what he is.”

“Everyone loves you,” James said incredulously. “Every girl in our year would gladly kiss you, and I’m still working on Evans. Who doesn’t love you?”

“My parents,” Sirius answered coldly.

“Oh,” James said, not sure how to respond. He knew Sirius expected him to say something, but he just couldn’t find the words. Feeling ashamed of himself, but unable to be around his friend any longer, he sat up and said quickly. “Better get to quidditch. See you at dinner.” Trying not to look at Sirius, James hurried out of the dorm. Why did he have to be such an idiot?

“Where are you going?” Remus asked him as he passed him just outside the portrait hole.

“I’m rubbish at emotions,” James blurted out. “You should go talk to Sirius—I’m hopeless. Tell him I’m sorry.”

“What did you say?” Remus demanded.

“Nothing,” James answered. “I couldn’t say anything.”

“I’ll go talk to him,” Remus sighed, steeling himself for the inevitable damage control. Sure enough, when he entered the room Sirius was face down on his bed, and did not even acknowledge his friend.

“I know you’re awake,” Remus said, crawling into bed next to his friend. “Was James being a tosser?”

“No,” Sirius said into the pillow. “He thinks I’m a freak.”

“No he doesn’t,” Remus said, soothingly rubbing Sirius’ back. “He just doesn’t know what to say. Come on Sirius, you haven’t left your bed in days. Let’s go for a walk or watch quidditch practice or something. We could go down to Hogsmeade if you want.”

“Can we get firewhiskey?” Sirius asked, lifting his head a little.

“Did you drink everything you have?” Remus asked. When Sirius nodded he said “Okay, but just one shot. I don’t think that stuff’s good for you, at least not at the rate you’ve been drinking it.”

“It makes me feel like I can get through the day,” Sirius said miserably.

“Well there’s got to be something else that makes you feel that way,” Remus said consolingly. “We’ve just got to figure out what it is.”

“You know what it is,” Sirius said, turning over to face his friend. Remus’ face fell into an expression of pain and concern, and Sirius immediately regretted his words. Remus was only trying to protect himself, protect both of them, and Sirius just couldn’t let go.

“We’ve talked about this Sirius,” Remus sighed. “Why don’t we just spend some time together, like friends do? We can have a smoke. Please, come out. For me.”

“Alright,” Sirius finally agreed. “But I don’t want to go to the quidditch field.”

“Let’s go see Hagrid,” Remus suggested. “I hear he has some Hippogryphs he’s raising. He’ll probably let us check them out if you use your charming smile on him.”

“Sounds good,” Sirius said, grinning. “You know how I feel about dangerous magical creatures.”

“Yes, you do have a bit of a thing for them,” Remus agreed. “Hippogryphs, dragons, werewolves.”

“Especially werewolves,” Sirius said, allowing Remus to lead him out of the room.

“And then maybe we can actually get some homework in,” Remus suggested. “That way you won’t fail all your OWLs.”

“I suppose,” Sirius groaned. “I do believe you’re trying to make me into a good boy Moony, and I’ll have you know I will not allow you to lead me astray.”

“Never,” Remus laughed.

 

Slowly, over the next few weeks Sirius returned to his old self, laughing and joking with James, hexing Slytherins who made fun of Remus or Peter, goofing off in class, but learning all the spells anyway. To most people, he looked happy as ever, but he was going to the bathroom between classes to take swigs of firewhiskey from a flask and cut his arms open. Still, he returned to his friends, and pretended everything was alright. It was only at night, when the lights went out, that he filled with shame and self-hatred. He never needed to tell Remus when he was feeling miserable, though, and his friend would come, night after night and hold him until he was done crying. “What’s going on in your head?” Remus whispered one night as he held Sirius’ head to his chest.

“I just feel so miserable,” Sirius admitted. “My whole life is just me trying to look like I’m happy, get things back to normal, but inside I’m all empty. It’s like I can’t feel happy anymore.”

“You’ll feel better again,” Remus soothed. “I promise you will. This will pass.”

“Have you ever felt this way?” Sirius asked. “Like no matter what you did you could never really smile again and mean it?”

“Yes, when I was young,” Remus said. “On and off since I got bitten. I never had friends, and I hated what I was. None of my Dad’s relatives would talk to our family, and I could see how much pain my parents were in, and I thought it was because of me. I felt the way you feel when there are Dementors, but all the time, and some times I just wouldn’t feel anything at all. That’s how it was after… after everything last year too. But it got better.”

“When?’ Sirius demanded. “When will I feel better?”

“I don’t know. Just keep holding on,” When Remus lowered his head to kiss Sirius’ hair, something on his friend’s wrist caught his attention. “What is this?” he demanded, seizing Sirius’ wrist and shoving his sleeve up. Shocked, he looked down at shallow cuts and thin white lines. “How did this happen? Did you do this to yourself?”

“I—” Sirius began, but he couldn’t think of a good lie, and a part of him wanted Remus to know. “It’s the only thing that makes me feel better.”

“Oh, Sirius,” Remus said, holding his friend tight. “I just don’t know how to help you. Please, please stop doing this to yourself. I can’t bear to see you hurt.”

“Then how do you expect me to get through the day?” Sirius demanded. “How am I supposed to keep pretending when I feel so awful inside?”

“You don’t have to pretend,” Remus insisted.

“Yes I do,” Sirius insisted. “Because if I don’t, I don’t know who I am anymore.” With those words, Sirius dissolved into sobs, burying his face in Remus shoulder.

“It’s alright,” Remus said, gently stroking his friend’s back. “You don’t have to pretend with me. Just hold on, please. Hold on for me.”

 

“Are you sure you are ready to do this?” Remus asked, looking at his friends. “I never asked for this, and if you change your minds, I won’t be angry.”

“We’re not backing out,” James said, forcefully. “We’re getting you through this, together. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”

“Yes,” Sirius agreed, looking around the shack. It really was a depressing place, as much from the inside as the outside, and he could only imagine all the horrible associations Remus must have with it.

“I’m in,” Peter said, grinning. He had already played his primary role and gotten the three of them in, and it felt good to know he had helped. To feel needed.

“Alright,” Remus said, feeling the slight tremors that meant he would be transforming soon. “But if something goes wrong, run for it, and don’t worry about me.”

“Don’t worry,” Sirius said confidently. “You won’t hurt any of us. It might even be fun.”

“Right,” Remus said shaking harder than before. “You’d better transform now. It’s coming soon.” Within a few moments, he was on the ground, shaking violently. Sirius rushed over to him, but Remus said, “No, it’s normal. Just transform.”

Taking a step back, Sirius changed into a large, shaggy black dog, and looked to his left to see a stag and a rat beside him. Meanwhile, Remus was undergoing his own transformation. His body twisted and elongated in places, until he was a full-grown wolf, growling at the animals in front of him.

For the first time, Sirius seriously worried that Remus might attack him, but the wolf took one careful step forward and tentatively sniffed the large shaggy black dog in front of him. Hoping to encourage the show of friendliness, Sirius licked the wolf and was rewarded with a friendlier growl. The wolf turned away from him and bent down to sniff the rat, which stoically waited, not running from the animal that could easily crush him in its jaws. After a few moments, the wolf leaned down and licked the rat on the back, then turned to the stag. Finding Prongs to be satisfactory, the wolf took a step back, then bolted from the room. Leaving Wormtail behind, Prongs and Padfoot followed the wolf, who ran from one room to another, climbing on furniture, scratching at walls, and generally causing mayhem.

It wasn’t until the wolf started to attack itself that Padfoot intervened. After chewing off a table leg, the wolf turned to bite its hind leg. Knowing that any injuries inflicted during the night would be present on Remus’ body in the morning, Padfoot ran at the wolf and knocked it over. Almost surprised, the wolf fought back until it was sitting on top of the shaggy black dog, but it did not bite or scratch. Recognizing this as play, Prongs ran over and toppled the wolf over with his horns. After that, the night turned into a frenzy of play fighting, nipping, but never breaking skin, pawing, but never scratching. After establishing that no injuries were going to be inflicted, Wormtail joined the frenzy, and the animals were all careful not to crush him. Throughout the night, the wolf wagged its tail, played, and just before sunrise when the other three grew exhausted and fell asleep, protectively prowled around their sleeping figures. He had found his pack.

 

Remus woke up in the hospital with a heavy weight on his chest. Looking down, he realized that this weight was, in fact, Sirius.

“Awake, are you?” Sirius asked, lifting his head. “How do you feel?”

“Not horrible,” Remus answered, shifting into a sitting position. “I don’t remember much, but I can kind of see short visions of last night. I take it things went well.”

“Yes,” Sirius said. “You were exhausting though. I don’t know how you do it every month. I fell asleep in three different classes, but one was History of Magic, so it doesn’t count. But we all had fun. It’s weird, being an animal for that long and playing with something that could easily kill you, but it was brilliant, really.”

“Glad to provide the entertainment,” Remus yawned. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Sirius said, and at a questioning glance from Remus, “No, really better. That may have been the best time I’ve had since we were… together I guess.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, reminiscently. Maybe, if Sirius stayed in a good mood then they could try things out again. Maybe. “Where are James and Peter?”

“Quidditch try-outs,” Sirius answered. “Apparently Pete actually has a decent shot at getting on the team. So I guess it will just be you and me most of the time.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, smiling. That would be nice, but dangerous. “He would love to kiss Sirius there and then, but he didn’t want to mess with his friend’s more stable mood. “Well, you may as well help me catch up on schoolwork. I’m feeling up for some transfiguration, unless you’re tired of that.”

“I’m tired of class,” Sirius groaned.

“If you want to get a half-decent job, you’ll need to study,” Remus lectured. “What even do you want to do?”

“I want to be an Auror, obviously,” Sirius answered.

“Well, you’ll need top marks in at least five subjects for that,” Remus said. “And I think you’ve got top marks in DADA right now, and that’s about it.”

“What do you want to do?” Sirius asked

“Well, I’m on the werewolf registry, so anyone who does a background check isn’t likely to hire me,” Remus answered. “And any job in the Ministry is out, except…”

“Except what?” Sirius asked.

“Did you meet Moody when he interviewed people after the King’s Cross attack?” Remus asked.

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “I asked him about being an Auror, and he said I should try for it. Did you meet him?”

“Yes,” Remus answered. “And he said he’d look into getting me a job, but it’s probably nothing. I doubt he can work his way around that. I mean, the Ministry stopped giving my dad jobs after I was bitten, and he was the best in his field. I could stay with my parents, help with the business, but I’m rubbish at potions, and they’d probably have to keep moving again, and that really hurts the business. I’ll probably get some retail or unskilled job. I’m not really sure.”

“But you’re brilliant,” Sirius argued. “You’ll find somebody who doesn’t mind your furry problem. Not everyone can have their heads up their asses when it come to werewolves. Somebody’s bound to give you a chance.”

“Yes, well maybe that will happen,” Remus sighed. “I’m depending more on them never finding out, and changing jobs when they do. I don’t think I’ll ever make much money.”

“Yeah, but I will,” Sirius said. “And so will James, so we’ll take care of you. And all those idiots who don’t hire you will be stuck with somebody dumber than you, and it’ll be too bad for them.”

“Thanks,” Remus said, laughing at his friend’s impassioned defense of him. “I just hate the idea of having to depend on people the rest of my life, both financially, and in other ways. I wouldn’t be able to get through full moons without you guys, and Madame Pomfrey.”

“Weren’t you just telling me that I need to accept help from people?” Sirius asked, reaching out to take Remus’ hand. “You have a disease, and it’s not your fault, but it means you need help from the people who care about you.”

“Yeah, but—” Remus began to say, but Sirius cut him off.

“See, this goes both ways,” Sirius interjected. “You can’t say one thing to me and treat yourself another way. I’m onto you now.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Remus said, smiling. “What would I do without you, Sirius?”

“Probably be a more sane person,” Sirius answered.

“Yes, maybe,” Remus agreed. “But a lonelier one.”

 

Shortly after the full moon Gryffindor played their first match of the season against Hufflepuff. With Peter as Keeper, Sirius and Remus had spent a great deal of the last three weeks alone together. Both had generally kept to their agreement about staying just friends, but there were small infractions of the rule. Whether it was Sirius staring at Remus when he was supposed to be studying, or Remus holding the other boy’s hand when they were alone together, or the nights they fell asleep holding on to one another, they were certainly very close for two people who were just friends. Sometimes when Sirius would look particularly handsome, laughing about something or other it would take all the self-restraint Remus had not to grab him and kiss him as hard as he could. Having once kissed him, he felt he could not give it up.

Walking down to the quidditch pitch together on a cold November morning, they huddled together for warmth, though perhaps a little closer than necessary.

“Let’s go wish them luck,” Remus suggested, gesturing to the Gryffindor team huddled at one entrance to the stadium. “Peter will probably be bursting with anxiety.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, changing course. “Not that James’ ego needs any more boosting. He acts as if this game is already won.”

“Well, when have we lost to Hufflepuff?’ Remus pointed out. “Stoners don’t make great athletes.”

“You wouldn’t think nerds would either,” Sirius pointed out. “But Ravenclaw does alright every year. You’re a nerd, and you could be a great player if you wanted.”

“What position would I play best?” Remus asked. “You’d be a beater, obviously.”

“You’d be a keeper,” Sirius decided. “Because you’re the kind of person who doesn’t want the glory—you just want to help your team. And you’re protective, and you notice everything going on around you. And you’re a great defensive duelist. Well, you’re a brilliant duelist as is, but you’re best when you’re on defense.”

“Only problem is Pete’s the keeper,” Remus pointed out. “So I couldn’t very well oust my best friend.”

“That’s why you’d be a great keeper,” Sirius said, grinning. “Like I said, you put your friends first.”

“The team, or my friends?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow. “I’m beginning to think you aren’t talking about quidditch.”

“It’s called double entendre mate,” Sirius said.

“I think you may be confused about what double entendre means,” Remus teased. “Unless you mean something sexual, in which case I don’t get the subtext.”

Laughing, the two boys approached the Gryffindor quidditch team. “How are you doing Pete?” Remus asked, patting his friend on the shoulder. “Ready for the big game?”

“Please,” James scoffed. “It’s Hufflepuff. If he let in every goal we’d still win.”

“Good to know you’re confident as ever,” Sirius joked.

“You’ll do fine,” Remus said, re-assuring his nervous friend. “You’re a good keeper, you just get too nervous and fumble. Just relax, and you’ll do fine.”

“Thanks,” Peter squeaked, looking as if Remus had asked him to steal a dragon egg. “It’ll be fine.”

“Hey Sirius,” said Karen Quigley—the very pretty sixth-year keeper.

“Er, hi,” Sirius said, favoring her with one of his roguish grins. “Feeling good about the game today?”

“I’d feel better if you gave me a good luck kiss,” she said, biting her lip and smiling. Remus groaned internally at the horrible flirting, but Sirius looked downright horrified. “What do you say?” she added.

“Sure,” he stammered, leaning in to plant a quick peck on her cheek.

“Oh, that’s only half a kiss,” she protested. “Half-lucky won’t help me catch the snitch.”

“Against Hufflepuff it will,” Remus grumbled, not appreciating the way she was looking at Sirius.

Blushing furiously, Sirius leaned in and gave her a short, perfunctory kiss. “There you go, good luck,” he said as soon as his lips were clear from hers.

“We’ll have to work on that,” she sighed.

“Sure,” Sirius said, stepping back towards the stands. “I’ll just get out of your way. Don’t want to interrupt the pep-talk.” As he walked quickly back up to the stands, Remus shortly behind him, all the girls on the team burst into a fit of giggles.

“That was awkward,” Remus said, fully expecting Sirius to laugh the incident off with him.

“It was nice,” Sirius said forcefully.

“Oh, come on, that was the kind of kiss you give your creepy aunt, not what dreams are made of,” Remus argued. “She practically begged for it.”

“What business is it of your who I kiss,” Sirius demanded, spinning around to face Remus. “You broke things off, so you can’t get all jealous when I kiss somebody else. This was your decision.”

“I know,” Remus said, taken aback. “It’s just, well, you didn’t seem that into it.”

“Well I was,” Sirius said firmly. “Karen’s great. She’s attractive and she’s a sixth year, and she wanted me to kiss her, so I did. I’m not some bloody poof, like you.”

“That wasn’t fair to me,” Remus said. “I’m sorry I offended you. Let’s just watch the game.” Sirius took his arm, but he was stiff against Remus’ touch. As Remus sat down next to his friend and watched the players take off, he could not shake the feeling that none of this would end well.

 

“Help me with these butterbeers,” Remus said, crouching down to lift three crates of butterbeer. “Honestly I think the quidditch after-parties are all that keep the Hog’s Head in business. Good thing James gets so much pocket money.”

“Yeah, we just shouldn’t think too hard about the hygiene in the place,” Sirius said, rubbing grime off one of the butterbeers. “But, as long as he gives us firewhiskey all is good.” He took two of the crates regardless of Remus’ protests that he could carry two just as easily. They walked back to the castle in silence, neither of them willing to talk about the kiss.

“I don’t mind if you kiss anyone,” Remus said at last when they could hear the music and sound of celebrating. “But I’m not going to.”

“Why not?” Sirius asked, putting his butterbeer crates down.

“Because I have feelings for you,” Remus answered. “And kissing somebody else wouldn’t feel right to me. I don’t want to kiss anybody but you.”

Sirius looked at his friend for a second, then the next moment he had grabbed Remus by the waist and was kissing him fervently.

“Sirius,” Remus protested when he finally forced himself to break away. “We can’t. We decided…”

“You know I break every rule,” Sirius said, pushing Remus against the wall to kiss him harder.

“Sirius,” Remus said again, breaking away.

“I want you Moony,” Sirius said, leaning in again for another kiss.

Putting a hand between himself and Sirius, Remus asked, “But will you want me after?”

“I—” Sirius began to say, but realized he would not be able to finish that sentence.

“Sirius, if you can promise me that you are able be involved with me whole-heartedly and consistently, then I will be waiting for you, but if you say you’re ready and you aren’t, I don’t know if our friendship can survive that.

“I’m sorry Remus,” he said at last, bent down to pick up the drinks, then walked through the portrait hole.

“Chin up,” the Fat Lady said as she swung forward to let Remus in. Shaking his head, Remus found the food and drinks table and started unloading the butterbeer. When he finished, he turned around to see a sight that made his heart skip a beat: Sirius dancing very provocatively with Karen Quigley. Sirius briefly caught Remus’ eye before he leaned in and kissed Karen in a way that was quite different from the way he had kissed her earlier this morning. From where Remus was standing, he could see Sirius slip his tongue into her mouth and kiss her with the energy he had kissed Remus with only a few minutes earlier. How could he turn around and pick up a new girl, as if what had happened between the two of them meant nothing? Feeling the familiar burning sensation in his throat, Remus ran out of the common room before anyone could see him cry.

On the way to the portrait hole, Lily stepped in front of him and said, “Remus? Where are you—”

“Not now Lily,” Remus said, avoiding her eyes. He just needed to be alone. Upon leaving the common room, he walked until he couldn’t hear the music anymore, sank down onto a flight of stairs, put his head in his hands and cried.

“Remus?” Lily asked, appearing around a corner. “Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay?” Remus demanded.

“No, I’m sorry,” Lily said, sitting down next to him. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

Remus prepared to deny everything, but then realized that Lily wouldn’t tease him, wouldn’t ask him too many questions, would just listen. “Is it okay if I just talk to you about the parts I want to talk about and you don’t ask me about the rest?” Remus asked after a long pause.

“Of course,” Lily said, reaching out to place a comforting hand on her friend’s back. “What is it?”

“I like blokes,” Remus said at last, not willing to look at Lily to gage her reaction.

“So are you gay?” She asked.

“No, not exactly,” Remus answered. “I think I like girls too, but I definitely like boys. And I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends, because they’re all about kissing girls, and girls this, and girls that, and this whole fucking party is all boys and girls kissing left right and center, and I just feel lousy about everything.”

“Have you tried talking to your friends about it?” Lily asked.

“I sort of tried talking to Sirius,” Remus answered, not sure how much he could tell her without giving away any information that wasn’t his to give. “And he—well some days he’s fine about it, and then the next day he’s the exact opposite, and James teases everybody about everything, and Peter will only tell James, so there’s no way I’m going there.”

“What about your parents?” Lily asked. “Do you how they’ll take it?”

“I don’t know,” Remus sighed. “I mean, they don’t have a problem with gay people in general, but I just don’t want to be any more of a disappointment than I already am.”

“I’m sure you’re not a disappointment,” Lily argued. “What would make you say that?”

“I’m so sick all the time,” Remus burst out. “And I always depend on the people around me, and it’s like I’m too weak to take care of myself, but at the same time it’s like I have to take care of everyone else and there’s no room for my problems and my feelings.”

“You can talk to me,” Lily offered. “I don’t mind listening.”

“Thanks,” Remus said, leaning in to her a little.

“So,” she said, grinning mischievously. “Is there any boy in particular?”

“Well, sort of,” Remus said, enjoying the ability to speak honestly to somebody for once. “But he keeps saying he’s not bent, and I broke things off with him, but I was hoping we could get back together soon until he started going out with a girl.”

“Oh,” Lily said. “But you still have feelings for him?”

“Of course I do,” Remus said, pulling at his hair in distress. “And I though he had feelings for me after everything we did, but now he’s with somebody else. Which he has every right to do because I’m the one who ended things, but it still hurts to see them together.”

“Well he probably doesn’t really like this girl,” Lily reasoned. “And he’s just trying to move on. Do you want him back?”

“Yes,” Remus said. “But not yet. I don’t think I’m ready, and I don’t think he is either. I’m trying to do this thing right, but it’s all falling apart. I don’t want it to get to the point where we can’t even speak to one another because I like being his friend too.”

“Look, if this is just his way of moving on, then things will probably fall apart with her soon enough,” Lily pointed out. “If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. It might just take a while.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, still seeing Karen in Sirius’ arms, him kissing her the way he used to kiss Remus.

“So, you said, ‘after all the things we’ve done.’ Have you kissed?” Lily asked.

“Yeah,” Remus answered, blushing. “And we’ve done a little more than kiss.”

“Oh,” Lily said, laughing. “Like what?”

“Well,” Remus said. “Not actually having sex, but most other things. We were pretty intimate for a little while, but I think we went too fast. It felt good at the time, but then he changed his mind.”

“I’m sorry,” Lily said, leaning her head against her friend. “You deserve somebody who treats you really well. Somebody who wants you whole-heartedly and isn’t afraid to show it.”

“I think I might be waiting a while for that,” Remus said glumly.

“Well I’m here for you in the meantime,” Lily said.

“Thanks Lily,” Remus said. “You’re a good friend.”

 

Sirius had liked the dancing. He really did like to dance, and Karen was good at it, even if she did like to get up-close and personal. It wasn’t until he glanced up to see Remus standing there with that shocked look on his face that he finally took things to the next lever. Who was Remus to tell him what he could and couldn’t do? Remus was the one who had broken up with him, rejected him, and now he had the nerve to look all hurt and mistreated. Remus had had his chance, and now it was Karen’s turn.

Smiling, Sirius leaned in and kissed Karen softly. She laced her fingers behind his neck and opened her mouth to him. Kissing her was different from kissing Remus. It was nice, the same softness, but he didn’t crave her, didn’t feel the same hunger. Wrapping his arms around her back, Sirius considered what her body felt like. She was soft to his touch, and warm, but there was not that same hardness to push against, almost fight against with Remus. He shouldn’t be thinking of Remus. He was supposed to be thinking about Karen, about her fingers in his hair, about her breasts pressed against his chest, the way she smelled like cinnamon. Tasted like it too, come to think about it. That was interesting.

“You taste like cinnamon,” he murmured, pulling away from he briefly.

“You like it?” she asked, reaching up for another kiss. That was different too. Remus was about two inches taller than Sirius, so it had always been Sirius reaching his head up to kiss the other boy, but now he was leaning down to meet Karen’s lips. He stayed there, kissing her for what felt like a long time, but she didn’t seem tired of it at all.

“I’m thirsty,” he said, breaking away at last. “Would you like a butterbeer?”

“Sure,” She said, looking a little taken aback at his abrupt departure from her mouth.

“Alright,” Sirius said, walking over to the table and picking up two bottles.

“Look at you,” James said, running over to punch his friend on the arm. “Getting it on with _Karen Quigley._ I don’t know how you did it, you lucky bastard.”

“I suppose it helps not to have a pathetic crush on a particular girl who hates your guts,” Sirius pointed out.

“Well, how was it?” James demanded. “Your first kiss! Though you really seemed to know what you were doing. That, or she’s a takes a good lead.”

“You’ve been watching me kissing her quite a bit, haven’t you,” Sirius pointed out. “That’s a little creepy mate.”

“Well, more enjoyable than watching Pete and Janet snog. Though I don’t think that’ll last much longer.”

“Why not?’ Sirius asked.

“Well, her acne’s all cleared up now, so she’s been getting a great deal of attention from more attractive boys, and she’s getting ready to move on. Poor Pete doesn’t see it coming though.”

“But they’ve been going out a year,” Sirius protested. “You really think she’s going to break things off and turn around and date some other bloke?”

“You’d be surprised how fast people can move on,” James said. “Some people only care when they’re having a hard time, but once the skies clear up they’re gone.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, looking down into his bottle. Was he really the kind of guy that went from one person to another, never looking back? But Karen didn’t seem to expect anything long-term from him.

“Sirius,” Karen scolded, approaching him with a mock-angry expression on her face. “Are you going to leave me there alone on the floor? Some other boy might come along and steal me from you.”

“Of course not,” Sirius said, taking her waist and leading her back into the thick of things. “Here’s your drink. Let’s dance.” He got through one dance of actually dancing with her, but once the butterbeer was gone, she was back on him, this time more assertive than the last. Rather than feeling aroused by her initiative, he felt sort of invaded. Her hands were touching him, but rather than craving her touch, he wanted to pull away from her. _What the fuck is wrong with you?_ He asked himself. He had this pretty girl practically all over him, but he was kissing her more with a sense of duty rather than desire. He should be enjoying this opportunity, but instead he was wishing it was Remus in his arms. If it had been Remus, he would already be hard, and drunk with excitement. But the most he could say for himself was that kissing her was nice.

“Do you want to go somewhere a little more private?” Karen asked. Her lips were swollen, her pupils dilated, and she was practically panting. Sirius wondered if that was how he had looked after kissing Remus for the first time.

“Maybe another time,” Sirius said quickly. “I’m having fun here, with the music and drinks. I like parties. Another night, though.”

“Don’t make me wait too long,” she warned, closing in for another kiss.

 

Before he entered the great hall for breakfast Remus decided to take a smoke on the grounds. No doubt Sirius would be telling James all about his night with Karen, and Remus was pretty sure he could only face it if he was high. Winter was beginning to settle in, but Remus didn’t mind the cold much. Not since Sirius had given him the winter boots at least. He had read somewhere that wolves are more active during the winter. _Figures,_ he thought, bitterly dropping the butt of his joint and smashing it with his heel. _I am the wolf._

“Morning,” James said as he sat down. “We were just talking about—”

“Let me guess, Sirius and Karen,” Remus said bitterly.

“Um, yeah,” James said. “You got a problem with that?”

“No,” Remus said. He would try to be supportive if he thought Sirius actually had feelings for Karen, but after thinking things over he decided that Sirius was probably just trying to be normal.”

“Good,” Sirius said. “Because I’m going to Hogsmeade with her next weekend.”

“Good for you,” Remus said, badly faking a smile. “Where are you going to take her? Madame Puddifoots?”

“Hell no,” Sirius said emphatically. “Probably drinks at the Three Broomsticks.”

“Doesn’t matter where,” James said. “It’s just an excuse to spend the whole day snogging. Or more. The way I hear it, Karen has quite the reputation for one-night stands. Better get in there while you have the chance or she’ll move on.”

“Do you want to sleep with her?” Remus asked sharply.

“Of course he wants to,” James said. “He’s a boy, she’s a girl with tits and a vagina. What could possibly be the problem?”

“You tell me,” Sirius said, turning to Remus.

“Last year you told me she wasn’t your type,” Remus said, unable to stop himself from taking a jab at Sirius. He knew he didn’t need to hurt his friend, but he couldn’t keep his resentment under control.

“Yeah, well I wasn’t interested in girls as much then,” Sirius said. “I am now.”

 

The day before his transformation Remus was in a foul mood. James and Peter were at quidditch, and Sirius was in the common room having a make-out session with Karen, leaving him alone in the room. He was trying to focus an article about unicorns, but he kept imagining Karen and Sirius. Did he enjoy having her in his arms, or was it all just for show. And who was he trying to convince, himself, Remus, James, or somebody else? How long would it last, and how would it end?

As Remus mulled these thoughts over Sirius walked into the room. Remus couldn’t quite read his expression: he was flushed, but didn’t look aroused, at least not the way he had with when they had been together. “You ready for later tonight?’ Sirius asked.

“Yeah,” Remus said gloomily. “At least, as ready as I’ll ever be.”

“You need anything?” Sirius asked.

“No,” Remus said. “I wouldn’t want to tear you away from your girlfriend. “

“Remus,” Sirius said. “You come first, always. You know that right?”

“No,” Remus said, rolling away from his friend. “No I don’t.”

“Look, I know you’re upset about Karen, but I had to move on. Like you said, what was happening between us was too confusing for me. I think this will be better for me,” Sirius explained, then added “And it’d be nice to be able to talk to my best friend about it?” Of course Sirius needed him: he always needed him. Groaning, Remus rolled back over to face his friend.

“Do you care about her at all?” Remus asked.

“She’s… fine,” Sirius said unconvincingly. “I mean, I don’t know much about her, really, other than that she plays seeker. It’s more about the physical stuff.”

“Do you like the physical stuff?” Remus asked.

“I guess,” Sirius said. “It’s nice. I mean, kissing is kissing.”

“And you’ve only kissed her?” Remus asked.

“She let me touch her tits,” Sirius admitted. “Last night.”

“What was it like?” Remus asked.

“Weird,” Sirius answered. “Squishy. It was alright, but after a while I sort of got bored of them. And then she offered… she keeps offering to go further.”

“But you don’t want to?” Remus asked.

“No,” Sirius cried, sitting down and putting his head in his hands. “I’ve got an attractive girl offering to suck me off and it just makes me feel all cold inside. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing,” Remus said. He wasn’t sure how to proceed. If he used any word close to ‘gay’ or ‘queer’ he was pretty sure Sirius would freak out, but he hardly thought Sirius was likely to grow into any feelings for the female sex. He wanted to go over to his friend and comfort him, but he didn’t know if he was allowed to touch him. On top of all of it, he certainly had a personal interest in the outcome of the conversation. “Look,” he said at last. “Whatever you want, it’s all okay. Girls, boys, it doesn’t change who you are. If you want to carry on with her, that’s your decision, but from where I’m standing I don’t think it’s making you very happy.”

“It will,” Sirius decided. “It has to.”

 

“No way,” Remus said to James. “No fucking way. That’s too dangerous.”

“Come on, Remus, it could be fun,” James pleaded.

“Or I could break off and bite somebody,” Remus argued. “No, this is not an option. I could overpower you and Sirius and go to the castle or Hogsmeade.”

“But me and James could handle you,” Sirius argued. “We could stop anything bad from happening. You didn’t go for either of us last month.”

“You weren’t human,” Remus argued. “With werewolves it’s like a moth to flame, except a very violent moth. I would rather be miserable than put somebody else in danger.”

“We could go deep into the forest,” Peter suggested. “That way if something did go wrong it would be far away from the castle.”

“And how would we get there?” Remus demanded. “It’d take all day, and I’m not doing any hikes in this condition. We’re staying right here. Now, the transformation’s coming soon, and if you try anything I’ll kill you just as soon as I’m human.”

“Fine,” James relented. “But you’ll come around eventually. We’re very persistent you know.”

 

For the second month in a row, Remus woke up with no injuries, feeling much better rested than usual, and with Sirius curled up in bed with him. He rolled over so he was facing Sirius, their noses only a few inches apart. He could get used to this.

“Good afternoon,” Sirius said as his friend blinked in the light.

“Good afternoon,” Remus yawned. Sirius put his arm around his friend, and Remus lay there quietly, warm and happy. “I feel good,” he said at last. “And I think I remember a little more. Was Wormtail riding on Prongs’ antler at any point, or is that my deluded and sleep deprived mind?”

“Wormy was feeling a little left out of the action,” Sirius explained. “But I got this bruise from Prongs accidentally kicking me in the face.”

Remus sat up a little to inspect the fading yellow blotch on Sirius’ cheek. He stroked the bruise gently, more as an excuse to touch Sirius than anything. For a moment as they looked into each other’s eyes, Remus though Sirius would kiss him again, but he looked away. Remus was glad of this: he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to say no. “What did you tell Madame Pomfrey?”

“I said I tried to pet one of the unicorns Professor Kettleburn caught and I got kicked in the face,” Sirius said. “I think she just assumed I got in a fight though.”

“Probably a fair assumption,” Remus murmured. “Was it worth it?”

“Going down to the shack?” Sirius asked. “Definitely. We had a lot of fun, and I think the wolf may have had fun too.”

“Maybe,” Remus admitted, not able to deny that what he did remember had been a frenzy of playing and tumbling, not biting and killing.

“So, maybe if he’s a good boy Wolfy can come out and play with us sometimes,” Sirius proposed. “ Out in the forest.”

“No,” Remus insisted. “Not in a million years. Now help me up. I want to go back to the tower. I hate being in the hospital wing: it makes me feel like I’m dying.”

“Alright,” Sirius agreed, helping his friend to his feet. Without thinking much of it, Remus began to undress himself in order to change back into his Hogwarts robes. It wasn’t until he was fully undressed that he noticed Sirius’ obvious discomfort. In fact, he was producing a very noticeable reaction in his friend. “Sorry,” Sirius said, blushing furiously. “It’s just been a while, you know.”

“Yeah,” Remus agreed, hastily pulling on some boxers. “Lots of ‘alone time?’”

“No,” Sirius said. “I don’t do that anymore.”

“Not at all?” Remus asked. “Why on earth would you do that.”

“I feel bad afterwards,” Sirius explained. “Guilty.”

“I told you it’s not going to make you blind,” Remus groaned, pulling his jumper back on. “We all dot—there’s no need to be ashamed.

“It’s just that I think about things I shouldn’t be thinking about,” Sirius admitted. “And then I feel bad, and then I want to hurt myself, so I’ve stopped doing it altogether.”

“You don’t need to feel guilty about anything,” Remus insisted. “But if it means you aren’t hurting yourself anymore then I suppose that’s a good thing.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Sirius muttered. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Remus said, “I just need to get my sleep potion from Madame Pomfrey.”

“I thought Slughorn was making that for you?” Sirius asked.

“he got tired of making it every month, so Madame Pomfrey just got me some draught of living death because it keeps really well and I can just take it when I need it.”

“Can’t you accidentally kill yourself with that?” Sirius asked, shocked.

“Only if you’re trying to,” Remus answered. “One drop for a good night’s sleep, two for a very long very deep sleep, three for death. So as long as I only put one in, I’m fine, and I get some rest. It’s perfectly safe.”

 

“It’s cold,” Karen complained, cuddling in close to Sirius.

“Do you want to get closer to the fire?” Sirius suggested, anxious at the direction they might be headed in. It was very late, and Karen’s hand had been steadily moving up his thigh throughout the night.

“I want you to make me warm,” she whispered, then kissed him behind the ear. “We can find an empty classroom.” His heart sank. He was definitely not ready for this. He hardly knew her, but he had been running out of excuses.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s getting late. We wouldn’t want to be caught by teachers. Besides, I’m not feeling very well.”

“It’s okay if you’re nervous,” She said. “But it’ll be fun. Come on, I know you want to.”

“Of course I do,” he stammered. “It’s just I—”

“Come on,” She said, straightening up and taking his hand. She led him out the portrait hole and out of the tower, past several empty classrooms before puling him into and empty room. _“Colloportus,”_ she said, gesturing at the door with her wand. Sitting on a desk, she smiled at Sirius and said, “There. Now we won’t be disturbed. No teachers, not Filch, nobody.” She pulled his in towards her and wrapped her legs around him.

Sirius felt a panicky feeling in his chest. He was really going to do this: have sex with some girl he didn’t even know, didn’t care about at all. Why the fuck was he doing this? She tilted her head to the side, looking at him curiously. He had to do it—had to show her he was just a normal sixteen-year-old boy. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he pulled her in until they were pressed against one another. He leaned in and kissed her long and slow. This part he could get—the kissing. What came next? He would have to get her panties off, then his own. His stomach dropped at this second thought. Any plans she might have for him would quickly end once she noticed his limp dick. What was wrong with him? Just seeing Remus change last week had gotten him hard, but a pretty girl, legs spread and willing couldn’t get him up. And she was a good kisser too. She was slowly rocking her body against him, rubbing her crotch against him, but it was no good. What was he supposed to do?

 _Panties,_ he thought, sliding his hand up her thigh. As he hooked his fingers around her panties she moaned a little into his mouth. He stepped back enough to pull the underwear—black and lacy, and as far as he could tell too little fabric to be useful—then returned to his previous position. Should he touch her? Kiss her longer? With Remus he had always just done the next thing that felt right, but his mind was a blank slate.

“Touch me,” She moaned into his ear. Eager for the direction, he slipped his hand under her skirt and felt around, but he had not idea what to do with his fingers. Everything was slippery and he couldn’t find where he was supposed to touch her. Where even was the vagina? One of his fingers slipped into some sort of hole and he tentatively pushed it further wondering if she was even enjoying this.

“Okay, okay,” she said, pulling his hand away. “Let’s just get on with it, alright.” As she undid his belt Sirius thought he might be sick. He wanted to run away, but then she would know he wasn’t a real man. As she unzipped his pants he let out a small moan of panic, which she misinterpreted as arousal. “Excited?” She asked.

“Karen—” he said, but it was too late. She had pulled down his pants to reveal no erection. She frowned for a moment, but then tried stimulating him with her hand. Sirius was too anxious to even consider what was happening sexy. He was failing to do the only thing teenage boys could be relied upon to do.

“Turn around,” she suggested. “I’ll just get you started.” Sirius didn’t know what he was doing until he saw her lower onto her knees. This was all wrong. He didn’t want this. Her hands on his legs felt all wrong. He just wanted to run away or curl up and die.

“I’m sorry,” he said, standing up and pulling his pants back on. “I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”

“Sirius?” she asked as he ran from the room.

“I’m sorry,” he called back, but didn’t turn to see her. He didn’t see anything until he burst into his room, which was mercifully empty. Burning with shame, he collapsed face first onto his bed and screamed into his pillow. What was wrong with him?

 

Shoving the rest of his books into his bag, Remus walked out of the library. He was all caught up on his homework at last, but he was not looking forward to getting back to his room. Peter and James would still be in detention for trying to turn Snape’s hair pink—Peter was really only watching, but got roped in anyway. Sirius, on the other hand, would be on his date with Karen. All the girls had been saying that she intended to take his virginity that night: apparently she particularly enjoyed being the first. Remus’ gut clenched at the thought of Sirius being that intimate with somebody else, somebody he barely even knew. He didn’t know how he was going to look at his friend when he returned, or how he would bear James asking him for the details ten times a day. What he did not expect to see was Sirius lying face down on his bed looking thoroughly miserable.

“”Sirius?’ Remus asked, carefully approaching his friend. Did he regret it? Was he freaking out again?

“I couldn’t do it,” Sirius moaned.

“What do you mean you couldn’t do it?” Remus asked, sitting down on his bed.

“Have sex with her,” Sirius clarified. “I couldn’t do it.”

“Oh,” Remus said, flooding with relief. “Well that’s okay if you weren’t ready. Everybody needs to take their time.”

“No,” Sirius insisted. “You don’t get it. I _couldn’t._ ”

“Oh,” Remus said, beginning to realize the problem. “You couldn’t get it up?”

“No,” Sirius said miserably. “I couldn’t even get it up for her. She was just standing there, looking down at me looking so confused. Like why the fuck couldn’t I just fuck her? I’m a freak.”

“No you’re not,” Remus said firmly. “Look, if you aren’t into girls, that doesn’t mean anything. You’re still Sirius Black.”

“I don’t even know anymore,” he groaned. “I’m a failure. I’m an impotent, crazy failure. Why would she want me anyway? You don’t even want me.”

“I do,” Remus said, finally daring to touch Sirius’ arm. “I do want you, I just don’t want to push you too far. But Sirius, there’s all the reasons in the world to want you. You are perfect just the way you are.”

“You’re just saying that,” Sirius said. “You don’t really mean it. Everyone would change things if they could.”

Remus was about to respond when the door burst open. “Well how was it,” James called, running to his friend. “Got you that tired did it? Tell me everything.”

Remus was about to cut in, tell James to back down, but Sirius was already up on his face. “I didn’t do it, alright,” he shouted. “Will you just leave me alone? You’re always asking me, how was this, how was that, like I’m your personal porno magazine. Saying of course he wants that, of course, he’s a teenage boy, but you never ask me what I want. You never asked me what I wanted, you just assumed, because you’re James Potter and you know everything. Well fuck that. I didn’t want to have sex with her, and it was horrible, and I couldn’t do it, so there, there are your details I hope they make you happy.”

Leaving James in shocked silence, Sirius ran to the bathroom, closed and locked the door. He vaguely registered that his friends were talking to him through the closed door, but he didn’t hear what they were saying. He was trembling with fear and anger. He was a fucking queer. What else could explain it? He could get hard for Remus, but not for Karen, who only made him feel cold. He was supposed to be a man, was supposed to want tits and pussy, want to fuck pretty girls like Karen, not boys. He was all wrong.

He cut into his skin, but it didn’t work. There was nothing that would help him. Searching around the room desperately for something that would give him relief, his eyes fell on a small bottle of sleeping potion. What had Remus said about it? Three drops would kill you? Hands trembling, he poured a glass of water, dropped it, and re-filled it again. Trying to control his shaking, he watched as he let three drops of the potion fall into his cup. Holding the glass, he looked up at himself in the mirror. Did he want to die?

No—he was terrified—but he didn’t want to live either. He couldn’t live with this, couldn’t feel like this anymore. And who would miss him? His parents? They might break out their nicest wine to celebrate the occasion. James? James would hate him if he knew what he really was. He and Peter had barely had a conversation without the other two present.

Remus would care. He would be hurt.

But Remus would be better of without him. Yes, on the whole he was doing everybody a favor. Lifting the glass to his lips, he looked down at the clear water. One glass, and then he would be gone forever? No longer feeling, thinking, no longer Sirius. No more full moons as Padfoot, no more pranks with James, no more night talks with Remus.

No more suffering, no more crazy episodes, no more pain. He wouldn’t be gay or straight—he wouldn’t be anything. All his worries and fear would be gone, if he could just drink the cup. Was he brave enough? Could he take control?

Yes

Yes he could.

 

“Sirius, please talk to us,” Remus pleaded.

“I’m sorry mate,” James said desperately. “I should have asked you earlier. I didn’t know I was upsetting you. Please, tell us what’s going on in there?’

“Sirius,” Peter begged. “We want to talk to you. Please come out.”

Why did you have to do that,” Remus demanded, turning on James. “Why do you always have to treat him like he has to fun all the time. Why can’t you ever see that he’s suffering, that he needs you to be there for him? Why are you so stupid?”

“Sorry I don’t want to crawl into bed with him and cuddle all night,” James said. “Maybe if you told me all the things he tells you then I’d know what I’m not supposed to say, but it’s just the Remus Sirius club all the time.”

“Your jealous?” Remus shouted. “Everything’s about you James, isn’t it? You feel left out because your friend is going through a hard time and he trusts me? That’s exactly why he can’t trust you. You don’t think about how you affect the people around you when you speak or act. Let me tell you it’s not easy, trying to be there, never sure if you’re going to say the right thing or make him hate you forever. When you spend all day and night worrying about him, but you can’t tell anyone because you’ve promised him not to, and if you break that promise he won’t trust you again. Always having to be there for him, even when he hurts you, and even when you need him, because he needs you more than you need him. Do you know how that feels, James? Because if you did you wouldn’t be acting like some preschooler who just got his favorite toy stolen. Grow the fuck up or get the fuck out.”

Stunned, James just stared at his friend, who was still quivering with rage. Remus never came undone like that, never in the four and a half years they had known one another. They stood like that for a while before they heard the thump of Sirius’ body hit the floor.

“Fuck,” Remus screamed, turning to the door. “ _Expulso,”_ he cried, and the door flew out of the frame. On the other side, Sirius was lying on the floor, one sleeve rolled up to display five cuts. Remus looked long enough to realize that they weren’t the problem. Looking up, he searched for a cause, then saw his bottle of potion. _Shit,_ he though, _why didn’t I keep that away from him?_

“Sirius,” he said, shaking his lifeless figure. He couldn’t be dead, not Sirius. The poison couldn’t work that fast. He had to get it out of him.

Knowing there was nothing left to do, Remus opened Sirius’ mouth and shoved his hand down his throat until the muscles constricted and Sirius had vomited up all his stomach contents. “We’ve got to get him to the hospital,” Remus said, turning to James. “Why are you just standing there? Help me lift him. He needs your help.”

 

Everything was white, just bright, pure white. Where was he? Why did he feel like the world was turning slowly under him? Why did he feel so light? Slowly shapes began to emerge, the vague outline of a curtain, shadows across the ceiling. Ceiling? He had forgotten about those. All of this seemed so familiar, he felt like he was falling back into his body, waking up slowly. As he became more aware, he realized he didn’t want to be here. He wanted to go back where there was nothing but white, nothing to feel. He was awake, he was alive.

“Fuck,” he screamed, thrashing around in his bed. “No, let me go back, no, fuck, no, no, let me go back.” How was he alive? He was so angry, angry to be alive, stuck back in his old life.

“Hold him down,” a woman said from very far away, and then he sensed, rather than felt a hand forcing his mouth open while other hands held his hands and feet down. Some liquid filled his mouth, and he swallowed instinctively. “There now, you’re going back to sleep,” the female voice said. “Everything’s going to be okay.” _Yes_ , he thought as he returned back into that wonderful empty place, _sleep will be good._

 

The next time he woke up Sirius did not freak out, but surveyed the room carefully, not letting on that he had woken. It didn’t matter whether he was awake or asleep, if he lived or died. Nothing mattered anymore.

“Sirius?” a familiar voice said. “Sirius, this is Professor Dumbledore. Can you hear me?”

“Yes,” Sirius managed to say, looking up at the ceiling, not the old man with kind blue eyes sitting beside him.

“Sirius, you’ve been unconscious for two nights and two days. You over-dosed on draught of living death. Do you remember drinking that potion?”

“Yes sir,” Sirius said. Why was Dumbledore asking him these questions? Didn’t he know it didn’t matter?

“Why did you take the potion?” Dumbledore asked.

“Trouble sleeping,” Sirius answered blandly. “Wanted to get to sleep.”

“Did you know that the amount of potion you took could have killed you?”

“No,” Sirius lied. “I must have heard Remus wrong. I thought three drops was a deep sleep. Just a mistake.”

“A very serious mistake,” Dumbledore said.

“Serious,” Sirius repeated, laughing. Like his name—Sirius, serious. Serious Sirius. He laughed some more, not understanding why Dumbledore didn’t get the joke. Why wasn’t he laughing too?”

“Had Mr. Lupin not forced you to regurgitate the potion you would have died in less than a minute,” Dumbledore stated. “Do you understand that?”

“Sure,” Sirius said. “Less than a minute. I understand. Sixty seconds—one two three. One minute.”

“Yes,” Dumbledore said gently. “We have notified your parents about the incident. They will be glad to know you are well.”

“No they won’t,” Sirius said. Dumbleore looked down at him sadly, the stood to leave. “Your friends are here to see you,” He said as he left.

“I don’t want to see them,” Sirius called. “Don’t let them in.” Despite his protests, the curtain opened again, and Remus, James and Peter filed in one after another and sat next to his bed. Why did they all look so tired? Why were Remus’ eyes so red?

“Sirius,” James said softly. “How are you mate?”

“I feel funny,” Sirius answered. “All I wanted was to sleep a little longer.” As he spoke, Remus chocked back a tremendous sob, wiping his eyes on the hem of his jumper.

“Fuck you,” James said standing up and leaving. “How could you do this to us? To him? Don’t you see how much you hurt him?” Giving Sirius one last look of disgust, he turned and left the room, Peter trailing behind.

“Why did you do it?” Remus sobbed.

“I didn’t want to hurt,” Sirius answered. “So I took my medicine.”

“But what about the happiness?” Remus asked, leaning forward to grab Sirius’ hand. “What about sitting together under our beech tree and talking, what about dancing around the room, what about four person quidditch sessions. We were going to go ice skating on the lake this winter, and snowshoe and make snowmen and snow angels, and have snowball fights, and have fun this winter. We were going to be happy with you.”

“I can’t be happy for you Remus,” Sirius said. “I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

“Can’t you be happy for yourself?” Remus begged. “Please, Sirius, please be brave. I know you can be happy if you just let yourself be you. We love you, not whoever you think you’re supposed to be. You’re so much more than that. You can’t give up.”

“I want to go back to sleep now,” Sirius said, closing his eyes and letting the darkness embracing him again.

 

When he woke up again it was Madame Pomfrey sitting by his bed, reading the prophet.

“Interested?” she asked, offering him the paper.

“No,” Sirius said, sitting up. “Why are you here?”

“You’re on watch,” she answered. “After what happened we aren’t leaving you alone until you’re better.”

“When will I be better?” Sirius asked.

“You tell me,” she said. “You’ll know.”

 

It was a crisp but sunny December day, the kind that was Remus’ favorite. Neither boy said anything to the other, just stared out the window. Sirius had never seen his friend this miserable, not even a year ago when he had been forced to come to grips with his worst fear. Now he was bearing another person’s pain and could do nothing to alleviate it either for Sirius or for himself.

“Why do you keep coming here?” Sirius asked.

“Because I love you, you idiot,” Remus said, smiling down at his friend.

“Why do you love me when I make you hurt?” Sirius asked. “Why don’t you just move on?”

“You tried moving on with Karen,” Reemus pointed out. “How well did that work?”

“Not well,” Sirius admitted.

“Loving a person hurts, but losing them hurts worse. Right now I’m doing both,” Remus sighed. “But I’m here because I believe things will get better. No matter how bad things get, they always have to get better.”

“Can’t get worse,” Sirius said, smiling.

“It always can,” Remus said. “That’s the whole point of trust. If the people you loved couldn’t hurt you it wouldn’t be love. I don’t want to deny love, Sirius, no matter how much it hurts.” They both lapsed into silence, both thinking the same thing, hoping for the same thing. Seeing all the pain in his friend’s face, Sirius knew he needed to do something to alleviate the pain, earn the love he had been given for free.

At last, Sirius spoke up. “I want to go for a walk.”

“Really?’ Remus asked, his face lighting up immediately. Turning to Madame Pomfrey he asked, “Can we go? I won’t take my eyes off him.”

“Some fresh air would to you good,” she agreed. “Bundle up—it’s cold out there.” Not believing his good luck, Sirius got dressed quickly and walked outside with Remus as soon as possible.

Nobody was outside, and as soon as Sirius got outside. “it’s damn cold,” he said, stamping his feet into the deep snow.

“But it’s beautiful,” Remus said, reaching his arms out and spinning in a circle. Grinning, Sirius bent down and patted a handful of snow into a round ball and threw it at Remus. “Hey,” Remus said indignantly. “We were supposed to be taking a walk.”

“We’ll walk eventually,” Sirius said. “I want to play first.” Laughing, Remus joined in his fight, remembering a time in their first year that they had played this game, for that moment without a care in the world. James had been there, though. He had visited Sirius almost everyday, but never spoke a word, never looked him in the eye.

After ten minutes of throwing snowballs back and forth, Remus grabbed Remus around the waist and pulled him to the ground. “Let’s make snow angels,” he proposed. Lying on his back, he spread out his legs and arms and looked at the clear blue sky. “Remus,” he said at last.

“Yes?” Remus asked.

“Thank-you. For everything. For shoving your hand down my throat, for being here with me, for caring about me. Thank you for all of if.”

Remus rolled over until he was on his side next to Sirius. “You would do it for me, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course I would,” Sirius said. “Come on, let’s walk.” Helping Remus to his feet, he led him towards the lake and took the path leading around the shore. “You know, they’re mostly gone now.”

“Who? Remus asked.

“All the voices telling me I’m wrong. At least, they’re quieter now. Quiet enough that I know which voice is mine, and I know what I want.” Sirius turned to face his friend and took both his hands.

“What changed?” Remus asked, praying that the words Sirius spoke would be enough to convince him that the waiting was over, the stopping and starting was over.

“I realized that I don’t actually want to die,” Sirius admitted. “Because I want to have snowball fights with you and walk around the lake on a cold day just for an excuse to be close to you. Because I’m mad gay, and I’m mad in love with you, Remus, and I know it can’t be wrong.”

Remus felt his whole body fill with a warmth and joy he could not contain. When he smiled all his happiness leaked out the edges. Leaning in, he kissed Sirius just once, then pulled back far enough to ask “Did that feel wrong?”

“No,” Sirius answered, smiling. “It felt just right.”

“Good,” Remus said, and pushing his lover against a tree, grabbed his shoulders and kissed him as if he would never let him go—which he had absolutely no intention of doing. Sirius grabbed his waist and pulled him in closer, returning his passion with equal vigor. This was what had been missing from his life, and he felt so foolish for running from it.

 

An hour later Sirius and Remus walked into the Great Hall for dinner.

“Do you think I should go ask Madame Pomfrey if I can eat here?” Sirius asked, twisting his fingers against Remus’ hand.

“I think she knows,” Remus answered. “The others will be so excited to see you.”

“Should we tell them about us?” Sirius asked.

“Not until you’re ready,” Remus said kindly. “But I’m pretty sure they won’t mind, not really.”

“I know,” Sirius said.

“But you’re just not ready yet,” Remus finished, smiling. “And that’s quite fine with me just now. Hurry, or James will eat everything.”

“I’m afraid,” Sirius admitted, pausing at the school entrance.

“It’s okay,” Remus reassured him. “He loves you—he’s just completely incapable of communicating it. Sort of like you.”

“Yeah, just like me,” Sirius agreed, and letting go of Remus’ hand, pushed the door to the Great Hall open. When he reached his usual spot at the table James had risen to greet him.

“I’m sorry,” James said immediately. “For everything.”

“Me too,” Sirius said.

James walked around the table to hug his friend, then gestured at the empty spot on the bench. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Glad to be back.”


	5. Amortentia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is in the air, as more than one person is struck by Cupid's arrow. Meanwhile, the wolf finally leaves the shack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually a happy chapter. I promise  
> -I kind of hesitated about including a love potion so I'll give a TW for it since it does bring up some issues with consent

James walked down to the Potter’s sitting room early on the morning before Christmas to find his mother seated at her desk, writing letter.

“Mum?” He asked, sitting down on a living chair next to her. “Can we talk about something?”

“Sure honey,” Francine Potter said, turning her chair around to face her son. “What’s on your mind sweetie?”

James shifted uncomfortably in his seat. This was very far out of his comfort zone—emotions were usually Remus’ department—but he felt it was necessary. “Well, it’s about a friend of mine. I think he might be gay, but I don’t think he’s ready to admit it. He just doesn’t seem to care much about girls, and sometimes I catch him looking at boys in a certain way. I’m not sure what to do about it.”

“Honey,” Francine said, leaning forward to take her son’s hand. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. You know you’re dad and I love you no matter what—”

“Merlin, no,” James cried, yanking his hand away. “I’m not talking about me!”

“Oh,” Francine said, pulling away. “Sorry about that. Who are you talking about?”

“Sirius,” James said. “He hasn’t said anything, and I don’t know if I should ask him, or wait until he says something. I think he talk to Remus about it, or at least he talks to Remus about _something_ but he doesn’t talk to me about it because I said some dumb things I shouldn’t have said. I just sort of assumed he was into girls, and I think I really upset him.”

“Oh, James, you should never make assumptions about people,” Francine sighed.

“Should I ask him?” James questioned.

“No, I don’t think you should,” Francine said. “It should be his decision when to tell you. But you should find a way of letting him know that you will be supportive of him.”

“How?” James asked.

“I think we should invite your uncle Fred and Chris to spend the New Year with us,” Francine decided.

 

“Sirius, come help me with the bed sheets in the guest room,” James called to his friend, who was inspecting a small package. “What’s that?”

“Gift from Remus,” Sirius answered, pulling at the string. Tucking the note into his pocket for later—there was probably something in there he didn’t want James to read—he pulled the brown paper open to reveal a small, jagged gemstone.

“Do you know what kind of gem that is?” James asked, picking up the rock in his hand.

“Garnett, Sirius answered, scanning his letter. “He found some with his dad over the summer. His dad used most of what they found for potion ingredients, but he kept one for me. It represents protection and stability.”

“Do you believe that stuff?” James asked, handing the stone back. “About protective amulets, and stones and such?”

“I don’t think we understand magic as fully as we like to pretend we do,” Sirius answered, slipping the stone into his pocket. “Besides, the elixir of life’s made from a stone.”

“True,” James agreed. “Anyway, we need to change sheets. My mum gave our maid the day off, so it’s up to us now.”

“I didn’t know anyone else was coming,” Sirius said, following James down the hall to the main guest bedroom. The Potters had once been a large family living on an eight bedroom estate, but now it was just James, his parents, an aging grandfather, and many empty rooms.

“Last minute,” James said, shrugging. “My uncle Fred and Chris just decided they wanted to come for New Year’s.”

“Who’s Chris?” Sirius asked.

“My uncle Fred’s partner,” James answered. “They’ve been together seven years I think. Chris is in the department of magical catastrophes or whatever it’s called, and Uncle Fred’s an artist. Not a very successful one, mind, but he’s inherited more than enough to support himself on. They’re pretty cool.”

“Yeah?” Sirius asked, feeling oddly relieved. James had mentioned his gay uncle once before, but now he was talking about it casually, as if being gay was perfectly normal. “And your family doesn’t mind?”

“Well, Uncle Fred’s about as queer as they come, so everyone knew basically since he could walk and talk. My grandparents were a little disappointed, because they wanted lots of grandkids, but other than that it’s been fine. Not so much for Chris, though. His parents won’t talk to him anymore, but now he’s part of our family. Why?”

“Just wondering,” Sirius said as casually as he could. “My parents would probably blast anyone off the tree if they seemed at all queer. Marrying cousins is perfectly fine, but not if you’re the same sex I guess.”

“Yeah?” James said. “Well, your family puts elf heads on the wall.”

 

When the doorbell rang, Sirius stood awkwardly to the side of the Potters’ large foyer. Opening the door, Francine smiles and says, “Oh, Chris, Fred, we’re so happy you’re here.” Two men step into the foyer, one of whom shares the messy black dark that all Potter men seemed to have, supposedly Fred. He smiles, kisses Francine on both cheeks, then hugs his brother. He was tall and skinny like James, and had the same easy grin, but his features were somewhat more effeminate, his dress certainly more so. He was the kind of man, that, if you saw him on the street, you would immediately think he was gay.

Smiling, Fred turned to Sirius and reached out his hand. “You must be Sirius. James has told me all about, and all the trouble you two have gotten up to. So glad to finally meet you dear.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Sirius said, taking the other man’s hand.

“This is Chris,” He says, summoning the second man, who is much less flamboyant. He had short brown hair that was balding slightly and a kind smile.

“Nice to meet you,” he said, shaking Sirius’ hand. They made eye contact, and for a second Sirius was sure he _knew,_ as if there was some sort of label on his forehead marking him as one of their kind. He did not find that idea as terrifying as he had thought it would be.

“Drink,” Francine called, leading the party in the kitchen. “James, Sirius, you can each have some wine, but only one glass.”

“Two, Francine,” John Potter argued. “I’m sure they can handle it.” He winked at James as he said this, and Sirius had a feeling John knew something about their trips to the Hog’s Head. He had given them the invisibility cloak after all.

“Fine,” Francine agreed, pressing a glass into Sirius’ hand. “But I expect you to behave yourselves. I don’t want to have to put out another fire.”

“Well Chris does work for the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes,” John pointed out. “The amount of letters we get from Professor McGonagall—I wonder her hand doesn’t fall off from writing them all.”

“Only seven detentions last term,” James protested. “And only two of those were for dueling.”

“Yes, a marked improvement,” John agreed.

“As if you were a model student in school,” Fred laughed. “As I remember you got in quite a bit of trouble for an underground gambling ring.”

“A businessman from the beginning,” Francine laughed. “I’m beginning to think trouble-making is in the Potter DNA.” Sirius smiled as he watched the adults chat about this and that. As far as he could tell, the Potters didn’t treat Fred and Chris any different from any other couple they had hosted while Sirius was staying with them. They didn’t seem to mind that Fred had his arm draped around Chris’s shoulder, or when he kissed his partner on the cheek during one anecdote. Sirius wondered if he could ever be like that with Remus: comfortable touching him when people were around, not caring what anybody might think. But not everybody could be like the Potters: he had heard most of his classmates make comments that were not only rude but hateful to anything regarding homosexuality. What would he do when people called him names and said he was disgusting?

“Let’s go,” James whispered. “I’m bored. We could check out my new chessboard. Apparently some of the pieces explode.”

 

Sirius woke unnaturally early on the last day of break and walked downstairs to forage for something in the kitchen. When he got to the kitchen, he saw Chris sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea and reading the _Prophet._ “Good morning,” Sirius said, locating a cake and cutting a large slice.

“Good morning,” Chris said. “Are you excited to go back to school?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, though he was not quite sure if it was true. He was certainly looking forward to seeing Remus, though a little nervous. Now that he was committed, he was aware of the fact that if he messed things up again, the damage might be irreversible. The Potter home had become a place of sanctuary for him, a place free from the swirl of confusion that his last four months had been. He had felt calm ever since the day had and Remus had walked around the lake and talked, and he hoped this state would last for a long time.

“Something on your mind?” Chris asked, his tone light and casual, but Sirius had a feeling he was inviting Sirius into a bigger conversation.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Sirius asked after a long silence during which Chris simply drank his tea.

“Ask away,” Chris said, putting down his cup.

“How do you know if you’re gay?” Sirius asked, stuttering a little in his anxiety.

“Well, it took a while,” Chris said slowly. “I didn’t just wake up one day knowing—it took time—and it’s different for everyone. Some people like Fred were a little different from a young age, so he always knew really, and just learned the word when he got older. As for me, I started to question myself when the other boys my age were interested in girls, and I wasn’t. I assumed it would come in time, but I started noticing boys, thinking they were attractive, wanting to kiss my friend, and so on. I thought that was just a phase too, and I wouldn’t admit it to myself. My family wasn’t very open about these things, so I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could talk to until I met my first boyfriend. I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be normal, so I sort of had to come to grips with things. After that, it got easier.”

“And what about other people?” Sirius asked. “Your family, and your friends. Did they still like you after they found out.”

“Most did,” He answered cautiously. “But not always at first. A lot of people reacted badly at first, but that was only because they didn’t understand. With a little time, most people accept. It was harder on Fred, because with him it’s more noticeable, but then people know from the beginning. For me, sometimes people will know me very well, but once they find out they don’t want anything to do with me. But it gets better, and over time more and more people support you, and then it’s easier to deal with the people who will never understand. There are always those people who will get in your face if you hold hands in public, or refuse to look at you, make their children cross the street—things like that. But most people know at least one person who is gay, and once they’ve gotten used to one, they become a little more open.”

“My family is made of those kind of people who will never understand,” Sirius said darkly.

“Yes, the Black family is very traditional,” Chris said. “My family is getting better, slowly, but for a long time the Potters became my family. It seems like they’ve adopted you as well.”

“For the most part, yeah,” Sirius said. “ I’ve stayed here most summers.”

The two lapsed into silence before Chirs asked, “Is there a boy?”

“How did you know?” Sirius asked.

“In my fourth year there were these two seventh-year girls,” Chris explained. “Everyone knew they were a couple, though nobody outright said anything. People kept silence back then. Anyways, every time I saw them, or any gay couple, I just felt better, like things could be okay for me. I recognize what that looks like in young people.”

“You won’t tell James will you?” Sirius asked.

“No, I won’t,” Chris said. “But you should tell him when you’re ready. He’ll be happy for you.”

“I know,” Sirius admitted. “But I don’t want to talk about it with him yet. He doesn’t understand what it’s like. Remus does.”

“Remus?” Chris asked. “Your boyfriend?”

“I guess,” Sirius said, smiling. He had never thought of Remus as his boyfriend, but it sounded good. “I mean, we were together, but then I sort of freaked out about it all. He broke up with me, but he was still there for me when I wanted to talk about things. And then I tried to date this girl, and that went really wrong.”

“It always does,” Chris said. “But almost all of us do it at some point. But now things are better between you and Remus?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, smiling. Chris smiled too, seeing the love-struck gaze in his eyes. “Yeah, I’m really lucky to have him.”

 

“How do you feel about animating a snowman?” James asked. “I’m thinking if we could get them to pelt people with snowballs that might be pretty cool.”

“How would a snowman with sticks for arms pack a snowball?” Sirius asked. “We’d have to make the snowballs ahead of time and leave them out.”

“I nominate Peter as snowball crafter,” James decided.

“Gee thanks,” Peter said. “I love it when I get the good jobs. Especially running for teachers. That’s my favorite.”

“What got you in a piss poor mood?” James asked.

“My mum’s getting another divorce,” Peter answered, looking glumly out the window. “Bruno left, just before Christmas.” Peter savagely bit the head off a chocolate frog and blinked back tears. “He left, just the way my dad did.”

“Merlin, Pete, I’m sorry,” Sirius said, glancing at James for any idea of what to say. This was most definitely Remus’ department. “I don’t really know what to say.”

“There’s nothing to say,” Peter said. “I don’t want to talk about it. Tell me about the snowmen. I really don’t mind making the snowballs.”

“Well,” James said, eager to launch into a subject that was much more his territory. “We sneak down at night, obviously. Everything’s so much easier now that Remus is a prefect. He’ll be able to let us out the portrait hole earlier, say he’s going to patrol, then leave the door open for us. Anyways, he can follow after since he knows when Filch or Mrs. Norris is coming, with darkness powder just in case. We’ll have to set them up where they can get students on the way to the greenhouses or the Care of Magical Creatures field, but far enough away that Hagrid won’t be able to see us from his hut. Not that he’d be too upset, but we don’t want to push our luck too far with him. We’ll get Remus to find us a good spell, which shouldn’t be too hard. He loves the snow, right. I figure we can each make two or three with some magical assistance, then enchant them.”

“Won’t that take Flitwick about three seconds to counteract?” Sirius pointed out.

“Why are you trying to ruin my idea?” James demanded. “Liked it too much keeping your nose clean last year. That, or Remus has gotten to your head.”

“Just trying to help,” Sirius said. “I like this idea, I’ll have you know, but we need to give it lasting power.”

“Well you can defend charms against _finite incantatum_ if you want. It’s not supposed to be that hard for charms. If we could get a few days of fun from it that would be worth it.”

“Sounds good,” Sirius said. “But I have another plan. Much larger and far more amusing.”

“What?” Peter asked.

“Amortentia,” Sirius stated. “I think Filch could do well with a bit of love in his life. Even if the rumors about him and Pincers are true I doubt she’s exactly satisfying. Maybe under the influence of some potion he’s take a liking to, I don’t know, McGonagall? Sinistra? The possibilities are endless.”

“Brilliant mate,” James said. “Only, none of us are much good at Potions. You’re the best, and you’ll be very lucky to scrape and E. Amortentia’s a difficult potion.”

“Yes,” Sirius said. “But there are places to buy it anonymously. If we have it sent to Hogsmeade we can smuggle it in through the passageways and get it in the castle. We wouldn’t need much, just enough to bake into some cookies or something.”

“Brilliant,” James agreed.  

“What are you guys scheming about?” Remus asked, sliding open the compartment doors. As James re-counted their planning—Remus making a few helpful suggestions along the way—Sirius enjoyed the opportunity to look approvingly at his friend—or was he his boyfriend now? Remus looked up and caught his eye, hesitated slightly, then gave a small smile. Smiling back, Sirius wondered why he looked so nervous, then realized Remus must be afraid he had changed his mind—a perfectly reasonable fear.

“Remus, can I have a word?” Sirius asked, standing up. Trying to hide his anxious expression, Remus stood up and followed Sirius to an empty compartment where Sirius shut the blinds, then turned to face him.

“Do you—” Remus began to say, but Sirius had already pulled Remus to him and was kissing him.

“I didn’t want you to have to worry I had changed my mind,” Sirius explained. “I want you to be able to trust me eventually.”

“I want to trust you,” Remus said, smiling. “I’m glad you didn’t change your mind.”

“Me too,” Sirius said.

“Can I come over to your bed tonight?” Remus asked, causing Sirius to grin. They hadn’t had any physical intimacy other than some cuddling and some kissing in months, and Sirius could see in Remus’ eyes that he was as excited as he was at the prospect of resuming their nightly visits.

“You’d better,” Sirius said, and Remus pulled him into another kiss.

 

Sirius thought he might go crazy waiting for James to fall asleep. His heart was pounding with excitement, and when he heard Remus draw back the hanging to his bed he could barely wait to have in in his arms. Remus—always the conscientious one—waited long enough to cast a silencing charm before he fell into his lover’s arms. He had forgotten what it was like to kiss Sirius like this—not the slow, sweet kisses, but the fiery, passionate ones that made his ache with desire. Sirius spread his legs out so Remus could climb between his knees and rub against him without tearing their mouths apart. Taking both of Sirius’ hands into his own, he buried his face in his lover’s shoulder and rocked forward and back.

“Remus,” Sirius said, pulling away. Remus looked at him with that same anxiety, and Sirius reached his hand up to stroke his cheek, which caused Remus to smile again. “Are you my boyfriend?” Sirius asked, heart thudding. If Remus said yes, this would be a commitment. It would be real.

“Do you want me to be?” Remus asked.

“Of course I do,” Sirius said. “I want to prove to you that I’m for real this time. So what do you say?”

“Yes, of course yes. A thousand time yes,” Remus said, laughing with joy.

“Then lie down,” Sirius instructed, sitting up to change places. “And I’ll show you I mean it.” Pressing Remus down onto his back, Sirius peeled of his boyfriend’s shorts and trailed kisses up the inside of his thigh. He flicked his tongue out to tease Remus, thoroughly enjoying the noises coming from his lover’s mouth. Taking a deep breath, he lowered his mouth onto the tip of Remus’ cock, sliding down as far as he could go until he felt Remus pressed against the back of his throat, then, looking up to make eye contact, slowly pulled away, gently sucking and licking. The vision of Remus coming completely undone was well worth his effort. He couldn’t decide whether he wanted to watch what was happening between his legs, or close his eyes and let the sensation wash over him. As Sirius continued his work, he couldn’t control himself and tipped his head back over the pillow and let out a noise that was something between a groan and a growl. It was probably the best thing Sirius had ever heard. Pressing Remus’ hips into the mattress, Sirius sped up, watching as Remus clenched his fists, twisted his legs and arched his back.

“Fuck, Sirius,” he panted. “Oh fuck yes.” When he came, he made that same gutturals sound, and it almost pushed Sirius over the edge without even touching himself. He sat up and, putting his elbows on either side of Remus’ head rocked back and forth onto his boyfriend’s stomach, quickly finding a hand gripping his cock as the other grabbed his ass and pulled him in closer. “Come for me Sirius,” Remus instructed after a few minutes while increasing the pressure of his hand. Panting with pleasure, Sirius pushed his hips forward one more time and spurted his semen on the soft, flat stomach underneath him. Grinning, Remus wiped up some of his boyfriend’s semen and slipped his finger deep into his mouth.

“When did you get so dirty?” Sirius asked, lowering his body until he was lying half on Remus, half on the bed.

“You’re a bad influence, Sirius Black,” Remus answered, leaning in to kiss him. As Sirius slipped his tongue into his mouth he brought up one hand to gently stroke Remus’ face.

“I love you Remus,” Sirius murmured as he pulled away and rested his head over his lover’s heart. Tipping his head up to look into Remus’ green eyes he said, “And I’m never going to leave you again.”

“I love you too,” Remus said, stroking Sirius’ hair, feeling utter satisfaction. He had Sirius Black, his boyfriend, lying naked in his arms, saying he loved him. There was nothing more he wanted at the moment.

 

Throughout the first week of term James and Sirius put all their energy into convincing Remus to venture outside the shack for that month’s transformation.

“Imagine if you had the whole grounds to roam,” James pointed out. “We could just run and run, and not have to worry about walls or doors or stairs.”

“You said yourself you’ve been remembering more after every transformation,” Sirius pointed out.

“We’ve done three,” Remus argued. “Not exactly definitive. Look, when I remember everything, then we can talk about this. But right now I still think I’d tear off for the castle.”

“But Sirius and I could take you down,” James argued. “There’s two of us, and we’re both pretty big.”

“But it wouldn’t be play fighting anymore,” Remus argued. “If the wolf wanted blood and you got in the way you could get hurt, animal or no.”

“Why don’t we practice,” Sirius suggested. “We can pick a room in the shack, and James and I will make sure you don’t get into that room. If you get in, we won’t bring it up again. If we can keep you out, then we keep bothering you about it.”

“That’s a good idea,” James agreed.

“Fine,” Remus groaned. “But this doesn’t mean I’m agreeing to leaving the shack. Ever.”

“We’ll convince you eventually,” James stated. “In the meantime, I’ve found a possible vendor for the Amortentia.”

“You’re sure this is safe?” Remus asked. “I’ve had enough black market potions turn out to be poison that I have trust issues. Who are you getting this from?”

“Mundungus Fletcher, who else?” James asked

“I hope he didn’t brew it himself,” Remus said. “Or it’ll be completely useless or dangerous. Probably useless though, knowing him.”

“He does not brew it himself,” Sirius clarified. “He’s just going to be our contact. We’ll only need a little bit to make Filchy mad for a teacher of our choice.”

“I still support McGonagall as the best choice,” James said.

“Me too,” Peter put in. “She’s got that death-stare that makes you just want to disappear. Imagine how she would react to Filch’s overtures.”

“Maybe we can focus on the prank at hand,” Remus suggested, packing more snow on to his snowman. “By my count the two have you have only made one snowman together, while I’m on my third.

“We can’t help it that you’re good at everything Moony,” Sirius complained. “Not that I’m complaining,” he added, thinking back to just how good Remus had gotten at blowjobs. Just the other night Remus had surprised him by taking Sirius’ cock until the tip was pressed against the back of his throat, then swallowing the rest. Sirius had thought he might die of pleasure when he felt Remus’ muscles contracting around him, encircling all of him in the wet heat of his mouth. Of course, when Sirius had tried to do the same he had choked and barely resisted the powerful urge to vomit. Remus had found this endlessly amusing, and Sirius knew he would probably never live it down.

“Maybe four will be enough,” Peter said.

“You’re just saying that because you forgot your hat,” James said.

“Well I do need to get some sleep tonight,” Remus said, glancing up at the waxing moon.

“But you won’t be as tired this month because we’ll be there with you,” Sirius pointed out. “And you won’t have any injuries again.”

“Yes, but the physical transformation is still exhausting,” Remus explained. “Even if I was to sleep on full moon nights it would still take a great deal of energy. Speaking of injuries, Madame Pomfrey is very confused about how I’ve stopped hurting myself. Keeps asking me what’s different in the last three months.”

“What have you told her?” Sirius asked.

“Told her I’ve been getting more sleep before and after transformations,” Remus said. “But she thinks I’m hiding something. Which I am.”

“Are you having second thoughts?” James asked. “Because everything’s been going well so far.”

“I know,” Remus said. “But I feel horrible keeping it from Madame Pomfrey and Dumbledore. They’ve been so good to me and made sure I can be here, and I’m not telling them the whole truth. I’m not keeping my end of our agreement, and they trusted me when most people won’t. I just don’t want them to think less of me.”

“Look,” Sirius said. “You deserve not to get hurt every month. You deserve to have an easier time with this. You don’t need to feel bad about trying to make your life less miserable.”

“Yes, that’s all well and good until I put others in danger,” Remus argued. “I honestly couldn’t live with myself if I hurt someone.”

“We’ll make sure you won’t,” James assured him. “I promise.”

“Well we’re going to see how things go in the shack for a while,” Remus decided. “Now I am done with snowmen.”

“I thought you liked snowmen,” Sirius complained.

“Not at two in the morning,” Remus said. “If I stay up much later I’ll need to go straight to bed tomorrow night I’ll be so tired.”

“Maybe we should wrap things up then,” Sirius said, placing stick arms on his snowman. “Wouldn’t want to get a tired wolf on our hands.”

“I suppose four is enough,” James said. “One for each of us I guess.”

“ _Animus,”_ Remus said, tapping the nearest snowman with his wand. After some direction, the snowman managed to start throwing snowballs, then after more negotiations, stopped throwing snowballs at the Marauders, and waited for the next student to come across its path. Once the first snowman had been properly enchanted, Sirius and James figured out how to mimic their friend’s work.

“You know if you ever bothered with studying and practice you would probably both be better than me in class,” Remus pointed out.

“No, you’re still better than us, you just want teachers to like you,” James said. “I’m only better than you at quidditch and Potions. Maybe Transfiguration.” James took his friend’s arm and led him back up to the castle. “But as long as I pass the O.W.L.s, I couldn’t care less about marks.”

“What do you plan on doing after school?” Remus asked. “Auror?”

“Nah,” James said. “I want to fight You-Know-Who, but I don’t want a Ministry job. Can’t be tamed, you know. Maybe I’ll try to get on a Quidditch team. Either way, I know I will get Lily Evans to marry me. As long as that happens I don’t really care what else I do.”

“You really are a lovesick fool,” Remus laughed, glancing over at Sirius. “But I don’t think it’s bad to love with your whole heart. It’s brave.”

“Don’t inflate his ego any more,” Sirius warned. “Or we’ll never stop hearing about Lily’s hair for as long as we live.”

 

“Wake-up Remus,” James said, pulling his friend, now back in human form, to his feet. “How do you feel?”

“Good,” Remus answered honestly. “I remember a lot more that I have before. It was kind of…fun.” Remus would not have ever thought he would be saying those words the day after a transformation, but it was true. At fifteen, he didn’t spend much time just playing, and he had almost forgotten how much fun it was. “And I suppose I did stay out of the bedroom. I felt sort of in control.”

“We barely had to keep you out of it,” James said, grinning. “But if you are in control, maybe you could calm yourself down a bit. You’re exhausting.”

“Not likely,” Remus said. “Wolves aren’t exactly calm. But if you need a night off…”

“I didn’t say that,” James said in an offended tone.

“Then don’t complain,” Remus said, yawning. “Too bad you have to go to class while I stay in the hospital wing and sleep. If you hurry you can probably catch an hour of sleep before class.”

“The things we do for you,” James said, walking his friend back to the tunnel entrance where Sirius and Peter were waiting.

“So next month…” Sirius began.

“I’ll think about it,” Remus conceded. “If you don’t keep pestering me about it.

 

Five nights after the full moon Remus had resumed his nightly visits to Sirius’ bed with vigor. After giving one of his better blowjobs, he rested his head on his boyfriend’s chest and closed his eyes, just smelling the familiar scent of Sirius. Meanwhile, Sirius’ lazily traced the silver scars that covered his lover’s naked body with his fingertips. “You’re gorgeous,” Sirius murmured, moving one hand down to cup Remus’ ass. Remus chuckled.

“Remus?” Sirius asked, moving his hand back up to draw Remus’ face up so they were looking at one another. “Can I ask you something?”

“You already have,” Remus responded. “Go ahead.”

“Do you ever think about, you know, going further?” Sirius asked, blushing furiously.

“Having sex?” Remus asked bluntly.

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, feeling very embarrassed. “I mean, if you don’t want to, I understand, I was just wondering if you would consider it. I mean, I don’t think I’m ready for everything, but maybe at some point I would be.”

“I take it you mean you don’t want to be bottom,” Remus said.

“Are you mad?” Sirius asked, feeling awful. He had not wanted to piss Remus off. “I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to do something I’m not willing to do.”

“It’s okay,” Remus said, placing his fingers on Sirius’ lips. “I don’t mind that. I think I’d like both ways, and I want you to be ready, but I don’t know if I’m ready quite yet either. It’s just that I’m really happy with you, but if I were to do that with you and if you changed your mind after that would really hurt.”

“I’m not going to change my mind,” Sirius insisted. “I wish you could trust me Remus, not just because I want to have sex, I just wish I hadn’t hurt you.”

“I just need more time,” Remus said, smiling up at his boyfriend. “I’m trusting you more and more every day, I just need to feel sure of it before we go any further.”

“I want you to feel sure too,” Sirius said, stroking his lover’s hair. “I want you to feel comfortable so it’s good for both of it. And I want you to want it.”

“I do want it,” Remus clarified. “And I want my first time to be with you. I just think we need to take things slower this time.” As he spoke he brushed the hair out of Sirius’ face, then leaned down to kiss him.

 

“I’ve got it,” James said triumphantly as he sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast. “Now we just have to get it to him. Sirius, you have the hair right.”

“You have no idea how difficult this was to find,” he said, holding up a gray strand of hair.”

“Oh come on, you just took it off the broken sofa in her office,” Remus said.

“Yes, but Peter and I had to move the sofa out of her office without magic, and there were a lot of stairs,” Sirius explained.

“Where did you take it?” Remus asked.

“Well, we were supposed to get it to the dungeons so the house elves could deal with it, but we moved it to the passageway behind the mirror,” Sirius said. “Now we can sit on something when we have a smoke.”

“Brilliant,” James said. “Now how are we going to get Filch to drink it?”

“I have a plan,” Remus said, turning to Sirius. “But you’ll have to get a detention.”

Sirius laughed and said “you’ve come to the right man.”

Ten minutes before Transfiguration, James, Remus and Peter waited behind a tapestry as Sirius strolled along the hall, bottle of firewhiskey in one hand, weaving slightly. “Black!” a harsh voice barked from the end of the hall. “What have you got there, causing trouble I see? Firewhiskey, oh we are in trouble now, aren’t we.”

“It’s just pumpkin juice,” Sirius said, feigning a stutter. “Not causing any trouble.”

“No, no trouble at all, just enchanted snowmen to pelt me with snowballs, dung bombs outside my office, contraband fanged Frisbees and drinks. No, you and your little drunken friends smuggle in some alcohol then all hell breaks loose. I’ll be taking that, and I expect you in my office tonight for detention.”

“Yes sir,” Sirius said, handing off the bottle. A smarter man might have questioned Sirius’ out of character respect for authority, but Filch was more concerned with the bottle in his hand as he walked back to his office. “He’d better drink that,” Sirius said as his friends emerged into the hall. “I won’t lose a bottle of firewhiskey only to be rewarded with a detention.”

“I doubt he’ll recognize it for what it is, and he has a liking for firewhiskey, just like you,” Remus said.

“Compare me to Filch one more time and I’ll hit you,” Sirius threatened.

“Well, we’d best get to Transfiguration,” Remus suggested. “Wouldn’t want to miss the show.” Laughing, the Marauders rushed to the Transfiguration class and barely managed to pull straight faces when McGonagall strode into the room. “We can’t look too suspicious,” Remus warned. “Wait until some other students start laughing, or they’ll know it was us. They’ll suspect us anyways.”

“Well they suspected us when Filch was chased into the forest my a snowman,” James pointe out. “But they couldn’t exactly do anything about it.”

“Yes, but this time Filch could say he took the firewhiskey from Sirius,” Peter said.

“Yes, but he’s not exactly supposed to drink things he confiscates from students, now is he?” James pointed out. “But if he gets caught, we’ll say we all did it. Share the blame, you know.”

Ten minutes into class, while the students were busy vanishing mice, the door burst open, and Filch strode. Exchanging a look with his friend’s Remus watched with anticipation as McGonagall said, “Argus? Do you need anything?”

“How have I let so much stand between us for these many years,” Filch said as he stood in front of McGonagall, then he grabbed her by the waist and came at her and kissed her in front of the whole class.

“Argus!” She shouted, pushing him away as all the students burst out laughing, James and Sirius loudest of them all. “What has gotten into you? This is completely inappropriate.”

“Love, Minerva!” Filch exclaimed, sinking to one knee. “Cupid’s arrow has pierced my breast, and you are all I desire in this world. Today my eyes have been opened, and you are all I see.”

“Amortentia’s more like it,” McGonagall decided. “Stay in your seats class, and practice on your vanishing charms. Argus, come. We’re going to see Professor Slughorn.” Filch following closely behind her, McGonagall led the way out of the classroom, frequently pushing Filch away when he tried to kiss her again. As the door closed behind them, the whole class broke into muttering and giggling.

“Did you see her face after he kissed her the first time?” James said, laughing. “I think she was even angrier than the time I set off one of those firecrackers that spells out rude words in the middle of class.”

“I take it this was your work,” Lily said, turning around.

“Did you think it was funny?” James asked.

“No,” She said, but it was clear she was fighting the temptation to smile. “I though you would know better Remus,” she said. “Being a prefect and everything.”

“You don’t know how many things I talk them out of doing,” Remus said. “I am actually a very good influence.”

“Yes, he’s been trying to make us walk the straight and narrow for years,” Sirius said. “But I think we’ve been more successful into making him a real rogue. It takes great daring and courage to be a true troublemaker. One must face detentions and house points lost and possible expulsion daily. It is not for the faint of heart, Lily.”

“I see,” Lily said skeptically. “Well I would like to have a normal class one day.”

“If I didn’t keep things interesting you wouldn’t like me so much,” James teased.

“I don’t like you,” Lily insisted, turning back to her mice. “Not at all.”

 

A week after the amortentia incident the whole school was still talking about Filch’s infatuation with McGonagall. Stories circulated around the school that were not strictly true, and while everyone knew who was responsible, Filch was not willing to submit the firewhiskey for examination, so all four Marauders got off free.

“Better not risk it again, though,” James conceded. “The staff was pretty mad about it. Threatening expulsion. And I’m not sure Sirius and I can get away with something this big for a while.”

“James Potter saying no to a risk,” Sirius said in his best tone of shock. “Don’t tell me this is the end of our Marauding days.”

“Of course not,” James said. “Just maybe we could keep to smaller things for the rest of term.”

“Where’s Peter?” Remus asked, scanning the hall for his friend.

“Probably off… well, come to think about I can’t think of anything that would keep Pete away from a meal this long,” Sirius said, standing up to look for him as well.

“Do you have the map?” Remus asked.

“It’s in my trunk,” James said.

“I’ll go find him, just in case something’s wrong,” Remus decided. After glancing longingly at his plate, James rose and joined Remus and Sirius on their walk up to the dormitory.

“May as well check the bathroom,” James suggested, hoping they could find Peter quickly and return to dinner. When Remus pushed the bathroom door open, however, it was to see a Peter looking very worse for the wear. He had a large purple bruise on one eye, a split lip, and was clutching his side in a way that suggested another bruise.

“Pete, what happened,” Remus said, rushing over to his friend.

“Who did this to you,” James demanded.

“Snape,” Peter answered. “And Mulciber. Disarmed me, the hit me.”

“Right,” James said, flexing his muscles. “Don’t worry Pete, I’ll deal with them.”

“Me too,” Sirius said, and they both ran back in the direction of the great hall.

“Let’s get you to the hospital,” Remus suggested. There was no use in trying to stop James and Sirius from getting themselves into more trouble, but he could help Peter out. “Madame Pomfrey will fix you right up.”

“Thanks,” Peter said as he hobbled to the floor.

“And if I see Snape or Mulciber I’ll send a discreet stinging hex to their balls,” Remus added, taking his friend’s arm and guiding him towards the hospital wing.

“Do you think James and Sirius will get in trouble because of me?” Peter asked.

“No more than the usual,” Remus said. “But it wouldn’t be your fault. You know how they are if any of us gets hurt. They’ll probably start a duel, then get a series of detentions. I keep telling them they need to stop all of this. It’s only going to lead to more retaliation.”

“It’s still nice having friends to protect you though,” Peter said. “You can take care of yourself unless it’s close to the full moon. I can’t. Even if it was one on one I still would have lost.”

“The fact that they’re better at beating people up isn’t to their credit,” Remus said.

“I’m not good at anything,” Peter protested. “I’m useless.”

“You just feel that way because you got hurt,” Remus reassured his friend. “I feel that way too whenever I get hurt too. Dueling may not be your strong point, but you’re a fucking animagus. That took years of work, and nobody could have done that work for you. They’re just thugs.”

“Thanks Remus,” Peter said. “I always feel better after I talk to you.”

 

“I’ve made my decision,” Remus said, standing in front of the willow. He had spent a good ten minutes staring into the tunnel, willing himself to go in, and have his transformation there, just like usual, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. The shack would never be more than a place of pain and captivity to him, and he wanted to run free in the snow. “We’ll go deep into the forest,” he said. “And once I transform you’ll take me deeper into the trees so we’re far away. If anything goes wrong you have to do everything you can to keep me away from the castle, okay?”

“Deal,” James said excitedly, taking off for the forest.

“Let me give you a hand,” Sirius offered, reaching out an arm to support Remus.

“Thanks,” Remus said, leaning against his shoulder. It took him a while to catch up to James at the edge of the forest. “We’ve got twenty minutes left,” He said, glancing at the darkening horizon.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Sirius said, giving Remus’ hand a quick squeeze.

“I know,” Remus said, smiling up at his boyfriend. “I trust you.”

Sirius was resisting the urge to lean in and kiss Remus when James called, “Hurry up! We’ve got to get going if you want to get far away from the grounds before it’s show time.”

“Alright,” Remus groaned, walking into the forest.

“Why is James always interrupting us every time we try to have a moment,” Sirius grumbled.

“Probably because he doesn’t know we’re going out,” Remus answered. “Though you weren’t exactly being subtle.”

“Do you want me to be more subtle?” Sirius asked.

“Of course not. Now let me sit down. The tremors are starting.” Sirius set his friend down so he could lean up against a tree.

“Do you need anything?” James asked, running over to his friend.

“No,” Remus said, now sweating shaking slightly. “I’ll be able to go on in a second. But then I need to go on. We’re too close to the castle.”

“Do you want a ride?” Sirius offered, helping Remus back to his feet once the shaking had stopped. “I’m sure I can be a very good horse.”

“Said the dog,” Remus laughed, but he climbed onto Sirius’ back all the same.

“Ready?” Sirius asked, grabbing Remus’ legs beneath the knees.

“Giddyup,” Remus said, resting his chin on Sirius’ shoulder for another fifteen minutes until they reached a suitable clearing, where Sirius deposited him on the side of a frozen lake. “I hate undressing in this weather,” Remus said, unzipping his coat. “You three need to find a suitable place to keep my clothes and wand, though. I don’t want the wolf ripping my clothes to shreds.”

“We’ll but them in a high branch,” James said, taking the pile of clothes from Remus, while Sirius and Peter huddled close to their now naked friend.

“How long does it take for your toes to get frostbite?” Remus asked, stepping from one foot to the other.

“You’re the one who knows all sorts of random shit,” Sirius said. He turned back at what felt like a massive shudder, to see Remus’ pupil’s dilate as his body contracted. He barely transformed in time to see a brown wolf taking off for the tree line. For one horrible second, Sirius thought he had made a horrible mistake and they would not be able to contain the wolf, but then the wolf paused at the trees and turned back, one paw raised in hesitation. Seeing that his friends had not moved, he turned and charged Prongs, tackling him until he toppled to the ground. From then on it was just like any other transformation—the wolf running crazily around, play fighting with the animals, Wormtail holding tight to Prongs’ antlers the whole time. Whenever the wolf broke away from the other three he never got far before he turned around and joined his pack.

When dawn broke and the moon set, Remus remembered every second of his transformation. As he walked back up to the castle he caught himself almost looking forward to the next full moon.

 

After hustling a few first-years into their dormitory, Remus returned to the common room and sat next to Lily, who was busy doing her homework. “Why can’t the boys be as well behaved as girls?” Remus demanded, sinking  into an armchair by the fire. “I have a new-found sympathy for all the prefects who’ve had to tell me off over the years. It’s exhausting.”

“Does this mean you’re going to toe the line from now on?” Lily asked, looking up from her essay.

“No,” Remus scoffed. “I’ll just have to make sure I don’t do anything in front of prefects. I don’t think the prefect’s bathroom is worth all the shit we get.”

“I don’t know, some of those bubbles are pretty magical,” Lily said. Remus shrugged, never having used the prefect’s bathroom since he didn’t want anybody else to see his scars. “But we’re going to have a Hell of a time on Valentine’s day,” she said. “Everyone’s going to be sneaking off to an empty classroom and coming back to the tower late. We’ll probably have to start patrolling the halls early.”

“Oh,” Remus said. He had made plans with Sirius for a date that night: a real one where they could be alone together without knowing James was just one bed away.

“You have plans?” Lily asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Maybe,” Remus said, grinning.

“I take it you’re back with your mystery man,” she said. “That would explain your good mood this term. So things didn’t work out with his girlfriend.”

“Not at all,” Remus said happily. “And yes, we are back together, and I intend to have a very special night. It is Valentine’s day after all: we can let people come back late at least one night.”

“I suppose,” Lily groaned. “James asked me out, and Sev all but begged me to hang out with him, so I think I’ll stay here.”

“How can you complain about James when you’re friends with Snape?” Remus asked. “You know what kind of people he’s friends with.”

“People who don’t respect rules, and bully other people when the odds are two or three to one,” Lily answered. “Sort of like a certain chaser.”

“James never sliced anybody open,” Remus responded, thinking back to Sirius lying on a corridor floor, blood gushing out of two deep gashes.

“That was a mistake,” Lily argued. “He didn’t mean to but him that deep. And it’s not as if James and Sirius don’t hex people. Most of the time they corner Sev when he’s alone and then it’s not fair.”

“They never use hexes that could kill someone,” Remus said defensively. “I know they are arrogant pricks most of the time, and they should lay off Snape, but they aren’t death eaters.”

“Severus is not a death eater,” Lily argued.

“Maybe not, but his friends are,” Remus answered. “You know how they feel about muggle-borns, and ‘ve never once heard him speak up against them. James may hex random people, but it’s usually because they call somebody a mudblood. Look, when James jinxes someone for a laugh it may not be nice, but it’s usually only _levicorpus_ or turning a person’s eyebrows blue. Snape and Mulciber beat up Peter for no reason. I’m not saying what James does is okay, but what Snape does it worse.”

“I know,” Lily groaned, biting her lower lip. “But he’s my friend, and I know he’s a good person deep down.”

“Must be very deep,” Remus said darkly.

 

On the morning of Valentines day Remus was pleasantly surprised by a grey school owl that deposited a small box on his plate.

“Moony’s got a secret admirer,” James exclaimed, grabbing the package and inspecting the box of chocolates inside.

“Oy, those are for me,” Remus insisted, snatching the box back. “My name’s on it.”

“No note, though,” James said, disappointed. “I was hoping you might finally get some action. It’s got to be someone who knows you well enough to know you like chocolate though.”

“Everybody knows Moony loves chocolate,” Sirius said. “And these are high quality chocolates. They’re Swiss.”

“And very good,” Remus said, biting into coconut cream truffle, then tossed one down the table to Peter. “Peter you can have one for not grilling me about it.”

“You have no idea who they’re from?” James asked, turning over the box as if to find a hidden card taped down there.

“Not a clue,” Remus said, smirking at Sirius. “Could be anyone.”

 

Apart from sagging a little on one side, the sofa Sirius and Peter had lifted from McGonagall’s office was perfectly serviceable. Remus sat on the non-broken side and waited as Sirius poured two glasses of wine.

“Chocolate and red wine in one day?” Remus said, accepting his glass. “I’m beginning to question your intentions today.”

“I have all sorts of intentions,” Sirius said, using the broken side as an excuse to sit very close to Remus. “For now, though I just want to kiss you.” Remus smiled as his boyfriend tucked his hair behind his ear and took his lips. Setting down his wine glass, he hooked his arms around Sirius’ neck and pulled him down until they were lying flat on the sofa. “Are you sure about this? We can stop at any time.” Sirius asked, starting to unbutton Remus’ shirt.

“I’m sure,” Remus said, pulling off Sirius’ sweater. “I want this.” Nodding, Sirius did short work of the shirt, then moved on to the belt. When he pulled off the trousers and boxers he sat back for a moment to admire his lover’s body laid before him.

“You know you’re gorgeous,” Sirius said, rubbing Remus’ thigh, causing him to smile. Sirius pulled a small bottle out of his pocket and poured a few drops of lube on his hand. After pulling off his own pants he lubed himself up, then returned to his partner. Leaning down, he took Remus in his mouth, while he found his lover’s opening with his fingers. After drawing a few small circles, he slipped one finger in, looking up to see Remus’ expression. “Okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” Remus said. “Keep going.”

Sirius lowered his mouth back over Remus’ cock and continued his exploration with his fingers. With his thumb he stroked the line between his partners balls and anus, causing him to shudder with pleasure. More confident, Sirius pushed a second finger in, not understanding how Remus could be enjoying this, but he wanted to continue. As he slid his fingers in and out, he felt Remus loosen around him slightly, so he moved forward with a third finger, pushing deeper with every thrust. After a few strokes he hit something that caused Remus to let out a low, guttural groan. Every time Sirius hit that magic spot his partner let out sounds that made Sirius want him more and more.

“Sirius,” Remus groaned, eyes closed, head thrown back. “You’d better fuck me now or I’ll come before you get a chance.”

Grinning, Sirius re-positioned them so he could look into his lover’s eyes when he slowly pushed into him. And it was amazing. He had never felt anything quite like the heat and the tightness that engulfed him. “Fuck that’s good,” he groaned, leaning forward to kiss Remus as he pulled out.

“Keep going,” Remus urged, and on the third thrust Sirius hit that perfect spot, and he was overpowered with the sensations that shook his whole body. He felt so complete with Sirius inside him, hitting him in all the right places. “Yes,” he breathed as Sirius pushed in deeper. “There, fuck me there.” As he continued to fuck his boyfriend, Sirius seized his head and kissed him fiercely, their bodies merging in two places. For a few minutes it was as if they were completely one, unified in their bodies and hearts, sharing a fervent desire.

Remus came first, screaming Sirius’ name, and the way his muscles contracted around Sirius pushed him over the edge. He bit Remus’ shoulder hard as he came inside him, by far the best orgasm he had yet to experience.

“That was brilliant,” Remus gasped as Sirius pulled out of him and cuddled up beside him, which was rather difficult given the limited space of the sofa.

“Just brilliant?” Sirius asked, climbing back on top of Remus to kiss him again. “I was thinking more like fucking divine. Out of this world phenomenal. Glorious.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” Remus said. “You know we’re going to do this every chance we get, right?”

“You think you can stop me?” Sirius demanded. He didn’t think he would ever get enough of kissing Remus, touching Remus, fucking Remus. “I’m a love-struck idiot,” he said. “It’ll take an army to keep me away from you after this.”

“I love you,” Remus said, drawing Sirius face back to his.

“I love you too,” Sirius said. “And I’m never leaving you.”

“I know,” Remus whispered.

About an hour later, most of which Remus spent exploring his boyfriend’s mouth with mouth, he glanced at his watch and felt his heart thud to a stop. “Sirius!” he said, jumping to his feet. “We’ve got to get back to the common room. Fuck, I’m a prefect and everything.” Frantically throwing his clothes on, Remus didn’t realize Sirius standing behind him—fully dressed—until he had been drawn into another kiss, and then his worries seemed utterly insignificant. “How did you get dressed so fast?” Remus asked when he finally broke away.

“That’s what you think about when I kiss you?” Sirius asked. “I must be a bad kisser.”

“You’re an amazing kisser,” Remus said, reaching back up to cup Sirius’ face. “But we do need to go.”

“I know,” Sirius agreed. “Let me go first, then you follow twenty minutes later so people won’t see us come in together. I love you.”

Remus let Sirius kiss him one more time, then watched him slip away through the mirror. Smiling, Remus sat back down on the broken sofa. He felt utterly complete.


	6. Legilimency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Snape both learn about Remus and Sirius' relationships, with very different results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -more Marauders vs. Snape and cronies interactions  
> -SWM is covered here, so that's relatively nasty. Obviously it involved some sexual exposure and humiliation, which could be a trigger  
> -I figured Snape had to practice legilimency somehow to get so good at it, so I figured he'd have done it in school.

“You’re late,” Lily commented as Remus walked into the common room. “Did your date go that well?”

“Very well,” Remus answered, sitting down next to her. “Is everyone in their rooms?”

“Yes, you stayed out later than everyone else,” Lily said. “So tell me what happened. You gave me the impression this was a big date.”

“It was,” Remus answered, grinning.

“Oh come on, don’t be coy, tell me what happened,” Lily insisted.

“I am not a virgin anymore,” Remus stated.

“You’re serious?” Lily exclaimed, sitting up straight. Remus had to laugh at the pun, then nodded. “Well you have to tell me everything,” Lily said. “How was it? How do you feel?”

“I feel good,” Remus answered. “A little sore.”

“So you were…” Lily started, but trailed off when she couldn’t find a polite way of saying “you were the one who got fucked in the ass.”

“I was bottom,” Remus said simply. “And it was really great. Just physically it felt amazing, but since it was with somebody I love, I just felt so close to him.”

“And I suppose you still won’t tell me who it is,” Lily said.

“No,” Remus said firmly. “I would, but it’s not only my decision. He doesn’t want anybody to know yet.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?” Lily asked.

“I don’t want to push him into something he’s not ready for,” Remus answered. “And you know how it could be if everyone in the school knew. There are people here who could make our lives very difficult.”

“Yeah, I know,” Lily said. “I mean, look at what they do to muggle-borns. I think I get less trouble because I’m friends with Sev, but some of the Slytherins frighten me. I don’t like going places alone anymore.”

“You know James would kill anybody who messes with you,” Remus said, to which Lily rolled her eyes. “And I would too. If you ever need help, I would be there for you.”

“I know,” Lily said, leaning her head on Remus’ shoulder. “I’m just worried. There was another muggle family murdered with week, and most of those families are killed because they have a witch or wizard in their family. Every time I see a newspaper I wonder if it’s going to be my parents this time, and it would be because of me.”

“It wouldn’t be your fault,” Remus murmured. “They want us to think it’s hopeless so we don’t fight back, but we have to. They’re just bullies who find peoples’ weaknesses and take advantage of them, but we can beat them. I know we can.”

“I hope so,” Lily said. “But what will we have to lose before we get there?”

 

“Where were you last night?” James asked when Remus sat down at the breakfast table. “You weren’t in the common room at all.”

“I was at the library,” Remus lied. “It’s hard to study when twenty couples are eating each other’s faces off two feet away from you.”

“You didn’t have a date with your secret admirer?” Peter asked.

“I don’t know who it was,” Remus said. “No name.”

“And where were you?” Peter asked, turning to Sirius.

“Studying also,” Sirius lied, getting a questioning look from Peter.

“Whatever you say,” James said, continuing to butter his toast. Remus waited for the barrage of questions, but James continued with his breakfast. Remus exchanged a quizzical look with Sirius, who looked just as confused. This was not classic James Potter behavior. Smiling to himself, James took a bite of pancakes. He could easily believe Remus had spent the night studying, but Sirius had to be meeting somebody, some boy, and James Potter would find out.

 

The Marauders spent the next full moon exploring the caves behind Hogsmeade, then snuck back to the shack for an hour of rest. Not one in the night did the wolf take off for the village, r show any signs of aggression. While he was by no means as lucid as the three animagi, Remus could exert a measure of self-control over the wolf. If anything, being around animals made the wolf more animal, more interested in exploring the woods than interacting with the humans. Around midnight he surprised his three friends by running off after a rabbit, but they reigned him in before he could get too far away. Back at the shack, the wolf stood guard as his three friends slept until dawn broke.

“Good morning,” Remus said, shaking the large stag awake.

“Good morning,” a transformed James said, yawning. “Sleep well Padfoot?” Sirius, always a deep sleeper, was no different in in animal form, and continued to snooze on the dusty floor. “Pads,” James said louder, nudging the dog with his feet. Blinking slowly, Sirius stood up, stretched, then transformed back into his human form.

“I think I like being a dog better,” he commented, trying to smooth his wrinkled shirt. “Don’t have to bother with clothes.”

“You’re going to need to change,” Remus said. “Unless you want another detention for dress code violations.”

“So picky,” Sirius grumbled. “Well, we’d better get you to the hospital wing before Madame Pomfrey comes down looking for you.”

The four friends made their way across the muddy grounds through the rain and into the castle. As usual, they dropped Remus off at the door to the hospital wing so he could look like he had spent the night alone as usual. Madame Pomfrey gave him a cursory look-over to establish he had no new injuries, then gestured for him to take one of the beds. Despite his friends’ best efforts, transformations still left him exhausted, so by the time Madame Pomfrey came by with his breakfast he was nearly asleep.

When he woke up at lunch time, Remus sat up to see only Peter sitting by his bed. Usually the other three Marauders would spend their free time on the days after full moons sitting with him, doing classwork, asking him if he needed anything, or scheming their next prank.

“Where are James and Sirius?” Remus asked.

“Fell asleep during charms,” Peter answered. “Flitwick made them spend the lunch hour writing lines.”

“Maybe you guys should leave earlier so you can get some sleep,” Remus suggested. “I get to come here: you guys don’t.”

“You know they stay up all night all the time,” Peter pointed out. “We’re not going to just leave you when you’re in wolf form.”

“Worth a try,” Remus sighed. “Have you got a copy of the _Prophet_?”

“No,” Peter said, his voice a little higher than usual.

“You always have a copy,” Remus said suspiciously. “Is there something you don’t want me to see?”

“No,” Peter lied again.

“Did Greyback attack somebody?” Remus asked. “Or another wolf?”

“You don’t need to read about it,” Peter said. “It’s just the usual.”

“If it was just the usual, you’d let me look at it,” Remus said. “It’s got to be worse than usual for you to hide it from me. Hand it over.”

“I threw it out,” Peter admitted.

“I’ll find another,” Remus said.

“Well then it’s better I tell you,” Peter said. “Apparently Greyback is working with You-Know-Who now. He wanted Emmeline Vance to join to pass on information about Dumbledore, and when she refused You-Know-Who threatened to set Greyback on her son. She refused, and Greyback… well he killed the boy.”

Remus felt sick. Voldemort was using Greyback as his personal weapon now, paying him in flesh. “How old was the boy?” Remus asked weakly.

“Two years old,” Peter said sadly.

“Tell me that’s all,” Remus said.

“Not exactly,” Peter admitted. “The article was very anti-werewolf. Well, you know how Rita Skeeter is. She wrote that all werewolves are basically dangerous and should be locked up.”

“Or killed,” Remus whispered, saying the words Peter wouldn’t.

“Nothing she says matters,” Peter said. “We still know you’re a good person, and you aren’t dangerous at all when Padfoot and prongs are around. She just wants to make her story. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I know,” Remus said, but he was still thinking about a two-year-old baby that had woken up to the sound of a growling wolf.

“Are you okay?” Peter asked.

“I’m fine,” Remus said, pushing his thoughts aside. “Just tell me what we learned in class today. Anything.”

 

When Remus got out of the Hospital Wing, everybody in the school was talking about Greyback’s attack.

“He chooses most of his victims ahead of time,” One girl said to a friend. “Sometimes he sneaks into their homes and waits for the full moon. Just think, everything seems normal, but then when the sun goes down you have a werewolf in your home. Apparently _homenum revelio_ doesn’t work on them, so people can’t tell that they’re there.”

“Apparently they all turn that way eventually. Sure, they might start out normal, but after long enough they become little more than animals,” Another boy said during potions class.

“It’s probably be best for the Ministry to just have them killed as soon as they’re bitten,” Snape drawled, looking pointedly at Remus. “It’d be what they deserve.”

“Shut up Snivellus,” James said, jumping to his feet, as Sirius ran at Snape, wand first.

“Touched a nerve, have I?” Snape asked, stepping forward.

“This isn’t worth it,” Remus said, trying to pull his friends back. “You’re making a scene,” he whispered to Sirius. “You don’t want people questioning why you’re so defensive over werewolves. Please, sit down.”

“Don’t talk about what you don’t understand,” James threatened, lowering his wand. “And wash your hair. The sight of it is making me sick.”

With a bang, James’ wand flew out of his hand. “Somebody’s been learning non-verbal magic,” Sirius said, advancing on Snape despite Remus’ protests. “ _Expelliarmus._ ” Snape blocked the spell, and sent another non-verbal at Sirius, who barely countered it in time.

“You’ll pay for that Snivellus,” James said, having collected his wand. In a matter of seconds, James and Sirius were throwing spells back and forth with Snape, who lost his time advantage and was forced to issue his spells verbally as the rest of the class watched. Only Lily and Remus tried to intervene, pulling at elbows and shouting pleas for them to stop.

It wasn’t until Slughorn entered the room and used to sonorous charm to shout “STOP” that the three boys finally put down their wands. “Fighting at Hogwarts is unacceptable,” Slughorn fumed, glaring at all three boys. “But no amount of detentions seems to get that fact into your brains. I’m taking forty house points from each of you. Hopefully, Mr. Potter and Mr. Black will learn that fighting two on one is cowardly.”

Dumbstruck, Sirius and James took their seats as Severus slouched to his place. “Can you believe that?” James hissed. “Eighty points!”

“Why do you two have to do that?” Remus demanded, glaring at his friends. “What would it accomplish to hex him? It certainly wouldn’t help me, in fact you only drew more attention to what I am, which I do not appreciate. If you’re going to behave like immature tossers I don’t care how many points Slughorn takes. And two on one _is_ cowardly.”

“Remus—” Sirius started to say, but stopped short at the baleful look Remus shot him. Feeling ashamed of himself, he turned back to his cauldron. He knew he should lay off Snape, but it was hard to forgive somebody who almost murdered you, whatever Remus said.

 

After quidditch practice, James pulled Peter aside to check the map. “He’s got to be on here,” James said, searching for the tiny dot labeled ‘Sirius Black.”

“I told you, I don’t think Sirius is going out with anybody,” Peter argued. “If he had a boyfriend he would tell us.”

“Not if he was embarrassed about it,” James said, scanning the map.

“We don’t even know he is gay,” Peter said.

“He rejected Karen Quigley,” James said. “He’s gay. And he disappeared mysteriously on Valentine’s Day, so he must be seeing somebody. If it was a girl, why wouldn’t he tell us? We just need to find out who his boyfriend is, and then tell him we’re okay with it, and we support him no matter what.”

“Why don’t we just ask him?” Peter asked.

“He won’t tell us,” James decided. “We need proof first. He’s probably told Remus, but there’s no way Remus would tell us.”

“I don’t think he’ll be too thrilled if we interrupt him while he’s hooking up with somebody,” Peter pointed out. “He probably wants privacy.”

“We’ll give him privacy once he knows we know,” James said, shoving the map back in his bag. “But not today. He’s with Remus right now in that passageway near the charms classroom, the one not even Filch knows about. They could be planning something good: let’s go find them.”

“Alright,” Peter groaned, trotting after James as he hurried up the stairs to meet their friends. When they rounded the corner of the passageway, however, they saw something they did not expect to see. Remus had pushed Sirius up against a wall and was kissing him fiercely, meanwhile wrapping one arm around his waist and feeling his chest with the other. As they watched, dumbfounded, Remus moved on to kissing his lover’s neck while Sirius moaned and grabbed Remus’ ass through his Hogwarts trousers. When they heard the sound of Remus unzipping Sirius’ fly, James and Peter exchanged one look, then crept away, wanting to far away before they heard or saw anything else they shouldn’t.

“That was unexpected,” James said once he and Peter were well out of earshot.

“Now we know who Sirius’ boyfriend is,” Peter said.

“I did not want to see that,” James said, screwing up his eyes. “It’s one thing to think your best friend is doing it with some random bloke, quite another when it’s your other best friend.”

“And we share a room with them,” Peter said, eyes wide with his latest revelation.

“That explains a lot,” James said. “All those times I’d wake up to take a piss and Remus’ bed was empty he was in Sirius’… oh, that’s gross. I sleep only thee feet away.”

“Should we tell them we know?” Peter asked.

“I don’t know,” James said. “It’s different now we know it’s Moony. You know how weird they were with each other last term. We don’t want to mess anything up between them. I mean, if they didn’t tell us, maybe we should leave well enough alone.”

“So we don’t say anything?” Peter asked.

“Yes,” James decided. “We say nothing and hope things stay good between them. I can’t handle Sirius when he’s not speaking to Remus.”

“Alright,” Peter agreed. “But next time we see them alone together on the map, we aren’t going near them.”

“Agreed,” James said. “It’s going to take me long enough to get that image out of my head.”

 

One morning when Remus and Sirius appeared at the breakfast table mysteriously late James made no comment, but asked “did you see the notice board this morning?”

“Oh yeah, career advice,” Remus said excitedly. “McGonagall had us put up that sign last night. We’re all going to meet with her to talk about what we want to do after school.”

“We have to decide now?” Peter asked, going pale at the thought.

“Well you have to decide which N.E.W.T. classes you want to take,” Remus said. “That can determine which jobs you get, so you should have some idea of what you want to do.”

“Well I don’t expect to pass more than three or four O.W.L.s, so I can’t have that much to decide between,” Peter said glumly.

“Oh, come on Pete, there’s still plenty you can do,” James encouraged his friend. “You’re good at Transfigurations, decent at Charms and Herbology, and not half-bad at DADA.”

“Not half bad isn’t exactly N.E.W.T. standard,” Peter said.

“Well if you only take three classes you’ll have all the free time in the world,” Sirius pointed out. “Think of all the free periods.”

“With Dumbledore’s Sunday defense lessons I think we’re all going to have an easier time with our DADA O.W.L.s,” Remus said. “Almost all of us can produce a patronus, and resist the imperius curse, so we’ll have the practical exam under control.”

“Almost worth the loss of our Sunday afternoons,” James sighed.

“I thought you wanted to fight Voldemort after school,” Remus said. “I’d think you’d realize these lessons are more important than an evening spent in the common room staring at Lily’s hair.”

“Well, continuing the human race is important too,” James said. “If she would just dump Fabian Prewett, then—”

“Then she’d still dislike you,” Remus sighed, growing tired of this conversation. “Attacking Snape in potions was not your best move. You looked like a real git.”

“He was saying werewolves should be killed as soon as they’re bitten,” James protested. “I couldn’t let him say those things about you.”

“Oh come on, that’s what everyone thinks,” Remus said. “And if you draw attention to my condition you’ll only make things better for you. Snape was baiting you, and you take it every time.”

“Yeah, well I protect my friends,” James stated.

 

After Care of Magical Creatures, Remus made his way up to McGonagall’s office for career advice. He pushed the door open to see her sitting at her desk with several pamphlets laid out before her. “Remus, come in,” she said, gesturing to the seat in front of her. She sat down opposite him and glanced at the pamphlets. “I’m sure you understand that your case is a little more difficult that most.”

“Yes, Professor,” He said. “I would have liked to be an Auror or a Healer, but I doubt either one of those is an option.”

“I’m afraid not,” McGonagall said, withdrawing all of the Ministry-affiliated pamphlets. “I think you might have a chance at Gringott’s,” she suggested. “I don’t know how goblins feel about werewolves, but they may not care as much as the Ministry does. You haven’t taken ancient runes, but if you were to study over the summer, we may be able to arrange something. Would you be interested in that?”

“Yes,” Remus said, eager at the chance for a paying job.

“I will write a letter on your behalf, asking if they would consider your application despite your condition. I dare say you wouldn’t have much chance with any other of these jobs. Now, the werewolf registry is closed to the public, but any employer who requests a background check would find out your condition,” McGonagall continued. “Do you know if your attack was ever mentioned in the papers, or otherwise made public?”

“I don’t think so,” Remus said.

“Well, I’d like you to check if you don’t mind,” McGonagall said. “We have archives of _The Daily Prophet_ in the library, so you can see if your attack was ever mentioned. If not, many business owners do not pay for formal background checks, and you may be able to get some jobs without your employer knowing about your condition. These would not be high paying jobs, nor would they be at your skill level.”

“Yes Professor,” Remus said.

“Your father owns an apothecary, doesn’t he?” McGonagall asked. “Have you considered staying home and working there?”

“If I stay home for long the neighbors figure out what I am,” Remus answered. “Then my family has to move again, close shop, and start over in a new town. It’s hard on my parents financially. I don’t plan on staying home long-term.”

“I see,” McGonagall said. “Well, I believe those are your options. I will let you know as soon as I hear back from Gringotts.”

“Thank you Professor,” Remus said, standing to leave.

He had almost gotten to the door when McGonagall said, “Wait a minute, Remus.” Remus turned around to see McGonagall lower her glasses and ask, “You may not be able to get a post as an Auror, but would you be interested in joining the resistance against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?”

“Of course I am,” Remus said. “I’d do everything I could to fight him and the death eaters.”

“There may be another option for you after school,” McGonagall said. “I will have to talk to the headmaster. In the meantime, don’t tell anybody I mentioned it.”

“Alright,” Remus said, a little confused by what she was saying.

“And look up those papers,” McGonagall reminded.

“I will Remus said, leaving. What other option could McGonagall have in mind for him. Whatever it was, if it meant bringing Voldemort down, he wanted it.

 

“How’s the muggle studies coming?” Remus asked, dropping a heavy crate of newspapers on the table next to Sirius and James.

“Explain electricity to me again,” Sirius said. “I have to write a whole paper on it, and all I can think to say is that it’s magic moving through wires.”

“It’s not magic,” Remus sighed, “It’s energy. Normal, non-magical energy…” As Remus explained the inner-workings of charge and conductors to Sirius for the hundredth time, he flipped through copies of the _Daily Prophet_ until he got to February of 1965. He knew the date of the attack was the 25th, but he didn’t want to miss anything about that could connect Greyback to him. “Looks like Greyback was arrested just before he attacked me,” Remus said, pulling one paper out of its box.

“And he got out of it?” James asked.

“This paper only lists him as a possible witness. There’s bound to be more in the next one. Yes, this is more like it: “Werewolf Overpowers Ministry Official and Escapes Trial.” That’s only the day before he attacked me.” Remus scanned the paper, picking up the story. “Yes, he convinced them he was a muggle tramp, and they let him go, except…” Remus stopped dead when he saw the familiar name below. _Lyall Lupin, well-known for his work with Non-Human Spirituous Apparitions suspected Greyback of Lycanthropy saying, “werewolves are soulless, evil, deserving of nothing but death.”_

“Remus?” James asked, looking at his friend with concern.

“I… I can’t…” Remus stammered, and collapsed against the bookshelf, his mind reeling. How could his father have said those things? Had he thought those things about his own son? His father, who had always felt such guilt over his son’s condition, had described his kind as soulless, evil.

“What is it?” Sirius asked, snatching the paper from Remus’ shaking hands. “Shit,” he groaned, handing the paper over to James. He stood up and crossed the table to place his arms around Remus, who slowly sunk to the ground. “It doesn’t mean anything,” Sirius assured him. “He didn’t understand. Lots of people just don’t understand. But he _loves_ you, no matter what.”

“He said that I was, that I am deserving of death. He said that,” Remus cried, burying his face in his hands.

“He didn’t say that about you,” Sirius insisted. “He said that about Greyback.”

“No,” Remus said. “No, he said it about me. Nobody sees me as a person: they see me as a werewolf. It doesn’t matter what I do, or who I am, just what I am, and what people like me have done.”

“We care,” James said, sitting beside his friend. “We love you, Moons, and so does your dad. People say dumb things, things they wouldn’t mean if they knew more. We see you as a person.”

“Yes, we do,” Peter added. “We care about you.”

“And that’s all that keeps me going,” Remus said. “Knowing that I’ll be hated my whole life, or that I’ll never get a halfway decent job, I only get through it because you don’t care, and my parents don’t. But if my dad said those things, if he meant those things…”

“He doesn’t mean them anymore,” Sirius argued. “Nobody who knows you could mean those things. You can talk to him about it when you go home, and things will be okay.” Leaning his head into the crook of Sirius’ neck, Remus felt that just a little bit of the strength that allowed him to go on had disappeared.

“It’s going to be okay,” he murmured, not fully believing himself.

 

_“Muffliato.”_

Slamming the hangings shut with one hand, Sirius grabbed Remus’ neck with the other and brought him in to a deep kiss. Remus hooked his hand around Sirius’ waist and pulled him closer until they were a tangle of limbs. Remus leaned his head back to give Sirius to access to his neck as the other boy trailed kisses and bites from his ear to his collarbone. He made short work of his boyfriend’s shirt and shortly after discarded the boxers as well. Sirius pulled out a bottle of lube, while Remus impatiently yanked his pants off. “I’ll do that,” he offered, dropping some oil onto his hand and slowly stroking his lover’s erection, eliciting a low moan. “Fuck me,” Remus commanded, laying back down and wrapping his feet around Sirius, drawing him closer.

Sirius did not need telling twice. He lowered himself onto his elbows, then slowly pushed in to Remus. No matter how many time he did this, that initial feeling of being inside another person’s body never failed to thrill him. That, and the look on Remus’ face when he was entered, his eyes closed, mouth half-open. He sunk in until he was pressed against his lover, then pulled in and out in a steady rhythm.

“Harder,” Remus groaned. “Faster.” Sirius sped up, relishing the look of wanton pleasure on his lover’s face. “Fuck,” Remus groaned. “I need you deeper.” He placed his hands on Sirius’ chest and gently pushed him away. Confused, Sirius sat back on his heels, but quickly understood what was happening when Remus turned over and got onto his hands and knees. Sirius paused before continuing, struck dumb from the sight before him. It was as if all his fantasies had come true with Remus handing over complete control of his body to be fucked. “What?” Remus asked, turning his head back to grin at Sirius. “Don’t you like doggy style?”

That was all the prompting Sirius needed to push into his boyfriend and fuck him as hard as he could. And Remus loved every second of it, and he came screaming in pleasure. Spent, Sirius collapsed beside his lover’s naked body and gently stroked Remus’ arm. “You really like it?” He asked.

“Mm,” Remus said in response. “It’s fucking amazing.”

“It doesn’t hurt?” Sirius asked.

“Not really,” Remus answered. “I mean, I’m sore after, but it’s not a bad sort of pain. And it’s worth it.”

“I want to try it,” Sirius whispered, looking up at Remus with those shy puppy dog eyes.

Smiling, Remus took Sirius by the waist and pulled him in. “Good,” he said. “Because I want you so bad. Tomorrow I’m going to make you feel so good, you won’t know what to do with yourself.”

 

The next morning when Remus opened the _Daily Prophet_ he groaned and cursed loudly.

“What is it?” James asked, tugging at the paper.

“Death eaters attacked a muggle village,” Remus said. “Killed seventeen, injured twelve more before the Aurors came. Apparently they were just shooting killing curses in every direction.”

“And the Aurors couldn’t catch any of them?” James asked.

“Well, they’ve been laying down anti-apparation fields, but it isn’t hard for twenty Death Eaters to fight it long enough to get out. It looks like they made four arrests. Of course, they never know where they’re going to strike because there are so many places they could strike. There aren’t enough wizards to protect every muggle town, and they can’t defend themselves. Even if they manage to shoot someone with one of their guns, it takes about a minute for a wizard or witch to heal that.”

At some commotion, Remus looked up to see Professor Flitwick leading two students—one first year boy, and his older sister, a fourth year girl—away from the Ravenclaw table. Both were crying.

“They’re muggle-born,” Peter said, gesturing his head at the two students leaving the Great Hall. “I’ll bet you anything they’re from that town.”

“It’s horrible,” Sirius said, tearing his eyes away from the brother and sister. “We need to do something to stop it. We need to fight him.”

“I know,” Remus agreed. “It could just as easily be my mum next time. There are a lot of muggle-borns and half-bloods in my town.”

“But they don’t kill that many half-bloods,” Sirius said nervously. “They wouldn’t go after you. Loads of the Death Eaters are half-bloods like Wilkes and Sinevellus.”

“Yeah, but he’ll kill wizards who stand against him,” Remus said. “Even pure-bloods if he can’t convince them to join. Apparently blood-traitors have no place in his new world order. Plenty of wizards don’t fight because they’re so afraid. I mean, you know what he did to Emmeline Vance’s son.”

“But we can’t just give up,” James protested. “If we don’t fight back he’ll take over the whole country.”

“I know,” Remus said. “I agree, but it’s hard to ask people to risk the lives of their children. It’s one to sacrifice yourself, quite another to sacrifice the people you love.”

 

“Have a nice practice,” Remus called to his friends as they walked to the quidditch pitch. Turning to Sirius he said, “Good thing Peter made the team. He can be so hard to shake off.”

“Not as hard anymore,” Sirius pointed out. “It’s been pretty easy these last few months. He and James have been very eager to go to practice.”

“Probably the Slytherin match coming up,” Remus said, shrugging. “I’m not complaining about it though. More time alone together.” They turned into a hidden passageway that took longer, but allowed them to hold hands and occasionally stop to make out against the stone walls. It was a mystery to Remus how they got to their dormitory fully dressed, but as soon as the door was locked behind them the floor was littered with various articles of clothing. It was better, Remus thought, making love during the day, when he could see Sirius, instead of blindly feeling for him in the dark of a four-poster bed.

When Remus laid Sirius down his bed, he noticed his lover’s hesitation. “Are you nervous, he asked, leaning in to kiss him slowly.

“A little,” Sirius answered honestly. “But I want to do it.”

“I’ll be gentle,” Remus assured him, caressing his lover’s cheek. “Tell me if you want me to stop or if it hurts, okay?”

“Okay,” Sirius said. Remus started touching him softly, on the chest and thighs, then moved down to his middle. Sirius angled his head on the pillow to watch Remus’ mouth close over the head of his cock, fully enjoying his opportunity to do this with the lights on. Remus could take his entire length in his mouth with hardly any effort now, something Sirius had yet to achieve. “Go on,” he whispered, and soon felt Remus’ fingers brush at his opening. The sensation sent tingles up his spine as the sensitive skin responded to the light touch. Remus pulled away long enough to coat his fingers in lube, then pushed one finger into Sirius. Nothing could of prepared him for the feeling of being entered by another person. He had tried experimenting with his fingers every now and again, but this was different, and oddly pleasant. When he felt Remus add another finger he found himself wanting more, deeper.

“Ready?” Remus asked, removing his fingers to press the tip of his cock against Sirius’ hole. Sirius only groaned in response, and Remus slowly pushed his hips forward, loving the feeling of Sirius’ muscles closing in around him. Judging from the look on Sirius’ face, Sirius was feeling just as exhilarated. Remus watched his boyfriend’s face, waiting for that perfect moment when he hits Sirius in all the right places. It didn’t take long before Sirius is moaning and gasping with every thrust, coming completely undone in Remus’ arms. Watching Sirius climax is just about the sexiest thing Remus had ever seen, and he couldn’t believe Sirius had allowed him to do this. All the girls might want him, but Remus was the one who had fucked Sirius Black.

“I see what you mean,” Sirius gasped as Remus laid down beside him. “I’ve never felt anything that magical.”

“There are some types of magic we’ll never fully understand,” Remus murmured, drawing lazy designs on Sirius’ chest. “Some thing you just have to experience.”

 

As the end of term approached, all four Marauders spent most of their free time in the library at Remus’ urging. With most of their time spent in the library, James and Sirius grew restless from lack of excitement.

“Maybe we could just spend one afternoon installing the exploding toilet seats,” Sirius pleaded as they left the Transfiguration classroom. “If I see another potions recipe I’ll lose my mind.”

“You’ll still be lucky to scrape an A in potions,” Remus argued. “If you don’t get an E, you won’t be able to take N.E.W.T. potions, and you’ll have a much lower chance of becoming an Auror.”

“You’re not taking potions next year,” Sirius argued.

“That’s because I have no hope of getting a Ministry job,” Remus said. He only let an expression of hurt and anger flash across his face for a fraction of a second, but Sirius knew when Remus was acting like something didn’t upset him.

“I’m sorry,” he said, reaching up to affectionately run his fingers through Remus’ dark honey colored hair. “It’s their loss.”

“Yeah, well I’m trying to catch up on ancient runes,” Remus groaned. “The goblins didn’t say they would hire me, but they didn’t say they wouldn’t, so I’ve got to go for it.”

“Yeah, well curse-breaking would be cool,” Sirius said. “Very dangerous and sexy.”

James cleared his throat loudly, making Sirius blush. Sometimes it was easy to forget that it wasn’t just Remus and him alone.

“Don’t worry Jamie,” Remus teased. “Staying at home and living off Mommy and Daddy’s money is sexy too.”

“I’m going to get a job,” James protested. “I just don’t need to plan it all out two years in advance.”

“And here I thought jobs are beneath James Potter,” Snape drawled, sidling up beside James, Mulciber and Wilkes at his side. “Too used to getting everything handed to him on a gold plate, isn’t he?”

“That’s not true,” James said, drawing his wand, despite Remus’ protests.

“Realized that you can’t get everything you want in the real world, have you?” Snape asked. “Too bad that for all your arrogance the only thing you can do well is throw a ball throw a hoop. Very impressive.”

“At least I’ve figured out how a shower works,” James taunted. “Or can you not see past your nose?”

At a flick of his wrist, Snape sent the glasses flying from James’ face. “What were you saying about my eyesight?” Snape asked.

James sent a stinging hex in Snape’s direction at the same time that Snape sent a non-verbal curse towards James. The two hexes bounced off one another, sending the stinging hex to Mulciber’s face, and Snape’s curse in Remus’ direction, who had been too pre-occupied looking for James’ glasses to throw up a shield

“The second the hex hit him, it was if he was watching his life through a movie. Scenes sprung up into his mind’s eye, then were replaced by other. He was four years old, being ripped apart by Greyback, then lying in a bed in St. Mungo’s while his mother cried by his side. Six years later Dumbledore was asking him to come to Hogwarts, the sorting house shouted “GRYFFINDOR,” Sirius and James introduced themselves. Sirius saying he was a werewolf, James sitting with him after a transformation. Dementors closing in on his mother. Sirius begging for forgiveness, their first kiss. Sirius kissing him on the sofa, then pushing into him slowly.

“Protego,” Remus screamed, finding enough clarity to push Snape out of his mind. He was sitting on the floor of the corridor, not sure how he had fallen. McGonagall was saying something to James, Sirius was asking if he was okay, but all he saw was the surprise on Snape’s face turn into a smirk. He had seen everything.

“You bastard,” Remus cried, pushing himself to his feet, and striding towards Snape, wand drawn. “I will fucking kill you for that.”

“Remus!” James cried, grabbing at his elbows. Remus didn’t realize what he was doing, didn’t care about what McGonagall was saying—he just needed to get to Snape and make him hurt.

“Mr. Lupin,” McGonagall cried, pulling Remus away from Snape with surprising force. “What do you think you are doing?”

“He—” Remus began to say, but stopped abruptly. He didn’t want McGonagall to know what Snape had just seen, didn’t want anybody to know.

“What spell did he use?” McGonagall demanded, looking at Remus with concern.

“It doesn’t matter,” Remus said quickly.

“What spell?” She repeated.

“It’s fine,” Remus insisted. “It’s not a big deal.”

“I have never seen you resort to physical violence,” McGonagall said harshly. “Now tell me what spell he used or I will find out in another way.”

“He used legilimency,” Remus said quietly, avoiding McGonagall’s gaze. She paled, then turned to Snape, looking angrier than any of the Marauders had ever seen her.

“Is this true?” She demanded, turning to Snape.

“Yes,” Snape said, not taking his eyes off Remus, who wished he could just sink through the floor, anything to get Snape’s eyes off him, wipe away what he knew Snape must have seen.

“Legilimency is strictly prohibited at Hogwarts,” McGonagall said, grabbing Snape by the wrist and dragging him in the direction of Dumbledore’s office. “We are going straight to the Headmaster. If you were in my house I would expel you here and now.” A crowd had gathered in the corridor, all murmuring the same question to one another.

“What’s legilimency?” James asked, putting his hand on Remus’ shoulder. “What did he do to you?”

“It’s the art of penetrating another person’s mind,” Sirius answered, a look of cold hatred on his face. “It allows the user to see their victim’s memories, thoughts and feelings. It’s very dark magic.”

“He didn’t—” James said, horrified. Remus could only nod, his whole body writhing in shame and humiliation.

“I want to get out of here,” he said, trying to avoid all the eyes on him. “Lets go have a smoke or something. I want to get out of here.”

“Let’s go,” Sirius agreed, taking his arm and leading him past the crowd that was whispering and watching him into the privacy of Gryffindor tower. When he reached his room, Remus sat on the edge of his bed in shock as James closed and locked the door. “Take this,” Sirius said, handing Remus a joint and lighting the end of it. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

“If he tells anybody…” Remus said, then closed his eyes as a wave of horror washed over him. “I’m so embarrassed. He saw…” But he was not capable of saying just what Snape had seen.

“He won’t tell anyone,” Sirius said firmly. “Dumbledore will make sure he doesn’t.” He took a long drag to keep himself from hyperventilating, and felt the high wash over him, alleviating some of the stress.

“Does he know about us being animagi?” James asked, concerned.

“No,” Remus said, thanking his lucky stars for that. “It’s just personal. There are things you just want to keep in your head.”

“I know,” Sirius said, sitting down next to his friend. “My mum used to use it,” he admitted. “When Regulus or I had been bad, she’d use it to see if we were lying. I sort of got used to shutting her out after a while, before I had anything really important to hide.”

“That’s barbaric,” James cried, but it came as no surprise to Remus. He just laced his fingers into Sirius’ and leaned his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Normally he would not get this touchy-feely with James and Peter around, but he didn’t care. His head was still spinning with the reality of what had happened, what Snape had seen. He lifted the joint to his lips again and got lost in his high.

At least, until McGonagall stormed in. “Remus,” she said, then her face fell as she saw what he was holding. “Oh, could you at least open a window for Heaven’s sake,” she said, exasperated. “And you need to come with me to the Headmaster’s office.” Smiling, Remus handed the joint to Sirius and followed McGonagall out of the dormitory. “I expect I will never see you doing that in the castle again.”

“Not in the castle,” Remus said, grinning at her.

“You boys are going to drive me mad,” she groaned. “But, under the circumstances…”

“What’s going to happen?” Remus asked.

“I don’t know,” McGonagall said. “All I know is Dumbledore wants to see you. Our primary concern is keeping Severus from sharing anything he may have seen, of course. I can assure you, that we will not hold anything he may have discovered against you.”

“Thank you,” Remus said, relieved. He walked in silence the rest of the way to Dumbledore’s office, then stopped short to see Snape sitting outside the Headmaster’s door.

“Remus,” Dumbledore said, throwing his office door open before anything could happen. “Come in please.” Giving Snape one last look of hatred, he followed Dumbledore into his office and sat down at his desk. “normally, the consequence for legilimency is immediate expulsion,” Dumbledore said, taking his seat in his high-backed armchair. “But in this case, matters are somewhat more complicated. If I was to expel Mr. Snape, I would have no way of stopping him from sharing everything he knows about your condition. Once he is outside these walls, he would be able to expose you. If your classmates knew of your condition, life here for you would become—”

“Impossible,” Remus finished, his heart sinking.

“The staff would do their utmost to protect you from any negative consequences,” Dumbledore continued. “But I do not think I could guarantee your safety. If Severus were to remain here, however, I could guarantee his silence until graduation. That would give you two more years of normalcy here. I wish I could do both for you, but I’m afraid I cannot. The choice is entirely yours.”

“He stays,” Remus whispered, barely able to force the words out of his mouth. “I can’t stay here is people know, and I need to be here.”

“Are you sure?” Dumbledore asked, fixing Remus with his clear blue eyes. “We would all understand if you wanted him to leave.”

“I’m sure,” Remus said. “I’m not ready for everyone around me to hate me. Not yet, at least.”

“What happened?” Sirius asked when Remus returned to the dormitory.

“I need a smoke,” Remus said, fumbling through his bag for some weed. When he had rolled up a joint, he turned to his friends and said, “He’s staying.”

“What?” Sirius exclaimed. “How can he still stay here.”

“Blackmail, basically,” Remus said, starting to panic again. Forcing himself to take a drag, he calmed down some as his high washed over him. “If he goes, he tells what I am, and then I’m done for. So he stays.”

“That’s fucked up,” James said. “I’ll make him pay for what he did to you.”

“I swear I’ll kill him,” Sirius said, standing up in anger.

“Go ahead,” Remus said, slowly blowing out smoke. “I don’t give a fuck what you do to him anymore. Hex his balls off, I’m not going to stop you. He thinks he can just get in my head like that and get away with it? I’ve had enough of trying to protect him. That’s over now. I don’t give a fuck anymore.”

“I’ll make him pay,” James vowed, but Sirius just looked at his boyfriend with a curious expression. He fully agreed with James’ sentiment, but he didn’t think Remus did, not really. He was the kind of person who cared about everyone, no matter what they had done. As much as he may act like he didn’t care, he always did, and that was why Sirius loved him so much. He wasn’t sure he knew who this new, bitter version of Remus was.

 

Scratching his chin with his quill, Remus looked over his last few answers. Deciding they all seemed in order, he rolled up the parchment, glad to know he only had one exam left. All he wanted to do was get outside and sit with his friends under their favorite beech tree, and settle into a good book.

Meeting up with his friends, he made his way to the grounds, laughing over Peter’s inability to identify a werewolf. James pulled a snitch from his pocket—one of his latest annoying habits—and played with it, talking confidently about how he would surely get an O, not mentioning that the only reason for that was Remus practically shoving his face into books. The sun was shining, and Sirius was looking particularly handsome, making it very difficult for him to focus on his transfiguration notes.

“I’m bored,” Sirius complained. “Wish it was full moon.”

“You might,” Remus said, sending his boyfriend a glare that was countered with one of Sirius’ more charming smiles. “We’ve still got Transfiguration, if you’re bored you could test me… here.”

Sirius rebuffed Remus’ offer, but took more interest when James pointed out Snape. Quelling the natural instinct to intervene, Remus focused harder on his book. He didn’t owe Snape anything. If James and Sirius wanted to publicly humiliate him, they could do that. He didn’t care. When Lily came by, however, he felt a wave of relief wash over him when he thought she would put the bullying to a stop.

His head snapped up, however when he heard Snape say, “I don’t need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!” The argument between James and Lily continued in the background, but all Remus could do was look at Snape in shock. Had he really just said the only thing that could push his only real friend away? Remus’ thoughts were interruptsed when Snape flew back into the air, skinny legs and dirty underwear displayed for all to see.

“Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants,” James called out. A few people in the crowd cheered, but Remus’ stomach clenched. He should be enjoying this revenge, it should have satisfied the anger he felt towards Snape. After all the things Snape had seen, why should he care if everyone saw his junk. It even had a sense of poetic justice. This should be what he wanted, but he couldn’t do it.

“Put him down James,” Remus said at last. James had been making a show of tugging at Snape’s pants without fully pulling them off, then turned to look at Remus.

“You can’t really defend him after what he did to you,” he said, incredulous.

“It won’t change what he did,” Remus said. “Humiliating him won’t solve anything. I’m sick and tired of getting caught in the middle of your petty feud. Just let him down. You can be better than this.”

“Do what he says,” Sirius agreed, looking over at his friend. “We’ve had a laugh, just let him go.”

“Fine,” James said, and with a flick of his wand sent Snape crashing back to the ground. “But this isn’t over.”

“Look at you, doing as your friend orders,” Snape spat, then turning to Remus said. “Good thing you’ve got your big strong protector, James Potter. Would he still be here if he knew your dirty little secret.”

Before Remus could respond, James hand put his wand at Snape’s throat. “Of course I would,” he hissed. “I stand by my friends, no matter what, and if you hurt one of them, I hurt you back. You got that?”

“Sure,” Snape sneered, sending a pointed look at Remus and Sirius. “I see how it is.” Turning around, he swept back in the direction of the castle, leaving Remus feeling cold on the inside.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked. “Do you want to go somewhere to talk?”

“Yeah,” Remus said, and followed Sirius away from the crowds, over to the edge of the forest where they sat down together. Sirius sat down against a tree, and Remus leaned up against him and closed his eyes. “I’m so sick of all of it,” he said at last. “SO sick of living like this. I am going to have to see him everyday, until I go home, and then I have to look at my dad, knowing all those things he said about werewolves, and no matter how hard I work at school I’ll never get a good job, and sometimes, I just wish none of this had happened to me. I know it does nothing to think that way, but I just wish it was over.”

“It’s going to be okay,” Sirius assured him, gently stroking his hair. “You can get fed up every now and again. I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” Remus said, leaning his head back into Sirius’ chest. “I know I can trust you to be here for me.”

“Yeah, well after all the shit I put you through this year, I figure you can have your turn to fall apart,” Sirius chuckled. “I don’t know how you keep it together every day.”

“Well I think I’m bursting from all the pressure,” Remus admitted.

“I’ll be here for you if it all falls apart,” Sirius said. “I’ll always be here for you Remus. No matter what.”

“I know you will,” Remus sighed. “And I’ll be here for you too. Always.”


	7. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another attack rocks Remus' hometown, meawhile the effects of Snape's foray into legilimency come to fruit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the first chapter I didn't finish at one in the morning, lol. Let me know what you think! I love comments.  
> -The Blacks are horrible abusive people  
> -lots and lots of homophobia at the end

Dinner at the Lupin house was awkward. Hope and Lyall tried to start conversations with their son, but got nothing in return, except stony silence. Sending questioning looks to one another, they ate in silence. It was only once the plates were cleared that Hope asked, “Remus dear, what’s wrong?”

Wordlessly, Remus pulled a crumpled piece of newspaper from his pocket and shoved it at his father. Taking the paper, Lyall flattened it on the table, then covered his mouth with his hand, unable to respond. “Remus,” he said at last. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t understand then.”

“You’re no better than any of these people saying I deserve to be killed for what I am,” Remus cried. “I’m surprised you didn’t just kill me when it happened. Would have saved you a lot of trouble.”

“You really said this?” Hope asked, turning to her husband.

“It was rash,” Lyall said, voice trembling. “It’s… it’s why Greyback attacked you. To teach me a lesson. It’s all my fault. It’s my fault you were bitten. But I never thought of you this way. I never would have said any of that once you were bitten.”

“But you thought less of me,” Remus said. “I’m not the son you wanted, am I? I’m weak, and broken, and it’s in my nature to hurt people. Do you wish I had just died that day?”

“No,” Lyall said, standing up. “You don’t know what it was like. All I wanted was to have my son, no matter what condition he was in. I spent days in that hospital, knowing that if you died it would have been my fault. And once you healed, I knew you were just the same boy you had always been. I was so wrong, Remus, and I am so sorry.”

“But I scare you,” Remus cried, now sobbing. “You’re afraid I’m going to turn out like him, aren’t you?”

“You’re nothing like him,” Lyall said. “And you never have been. Please, Remus, please forgive me.”

“You said I deserve to die,” Remus screamed. “‘Werewolves are soulless, evil, deserving of nothing but death.’ You said that.”

“I know,” Lyall said, “I didn’t know then. I didn’t understand. I would never say that now.”

“Lyall,” Hope said, standing for the first time. “I think you had better go upstairs.” She went to her son and held him, glaring at her husband. “Just leave.”

“Hope,” Lyall begged. “Remus, I’m so sorry.” He took a step toward his son, but at a murderous look from his wife, disappeared back up the stairs.

“Remus, honey, let’s sit down,” Hope said, leading her son to the sofa in the living room. “It’s going to be okay.”

“How could he have said those things?” Remus demanded.

“He loves you,” Hope said soothingly.

“But he hates what I am,” Remus argued. “He hates what I become.”

“What you are, is a kind, intelligent, talented young man,” Hope said. “You have a condition, and it’s not you fault, and it doesn’t change who you are.”

“Except my whole life revolves around it,” Remus said. “You can’t pretend it doesn’t matter, or doesn’t change me.”

“No,” she agreed. “It’s made you a stronger, more caring person. You feel the need to help others, rather than hurt them, to protect those who are weak when you are strong. You’ve always been very conscientious, and you have never been vengeful, or mean. Your condition has made you a better person if anything.”

“You really think so?” Remus asked, looking up at his mother.

“I know so,” she said. “You told me over winter break that Sirius was having a hard time, and you could help him because you knew how it felt. Do you think somebody that hadn’t gone through what you have would have been able to do the same?”

“No,” Remus admitted, thinking about how James had reacted with anger to his friend’s suicide attempt.

“It will never make what happened to you okay,” Hope said. “But you can’t control what has happened, and neither can your father, or myself. What you can control is who you become because of it.”

“I just wish none of this had ever happened to me,” Remus groaned, letting his head fall on his mother’s shoulder. “This year was difficult, and I just wanted to come home, and for everything to be alright. But now it’s not anymore.”

“You know he doesn’t think those things about you,” Hope said. “He was wrong, but he’s never loved you any less for what happened to you.”

“I know,” Remus said. “And I know it isn’t his fault, what happened. But I’m still mad at him.”

“You can be mad at him for a while,” Hope said. “It’s pretty much what teenage boys are supposed to do.” Remus smiled, and let his mother hold him for a little while longer before she asked, “Remus, is there anything else going on? Something you want to talk about?”

Remus bit his lip, wondering whether he should tell his mother about Sirius and him. He did want to talk to somebody about all the things that had happened in the last year, but he felt oddly embarrassed about it all. Besides, his parents didn’t like Sirius much to begin with after what had happened in fourth year. “Nothing,” he said after a pause. “I mean, you know about the legilimency.”

“I wish you didn’t have to go to school with him,” Hope sighed. “But I suppose he already knew anyways.”

“But it’s different,” Remus protested. “He saw it, and he saw… other things.”

“You know you can talk to me about anything,” Hope said. “Even if you got into some sort of trouble, you can tell me about it.”

“I know,” Remus said. “But there are things that are private. Things you don’t want people to know about. Not bad things, but personal things.”

“I understand,” Hope said, stroking her son’s hair

 

Over the next few days, Remus hardly spoke a word to his father, avoiding staying in the same room as him as much as possible. One evening, as Remus ate dinner with his mother, he heard a loud bang from down the street. Running out the front door to see what was going on, he saw his father run up beside him. “There,” Remus cried, pointing up to see the green light of the dark mark, hanging over a distant house.

“I have to go help,” Lyall said, turning to his son and wife.

“I’m coming too,” Remus said, running to his bedroom to get his wand.

“You’re not going,” Lyall said. “You are going to stay behind with your mother.

“I’m not the one who knows protective enchantments,” Remus grabbing his wand from his desk. “I’m a good duelist, and I can help. I’m not asking your permission.”

Remus pushed his father aside, and ran down the path into town. Within seconds, he heard an inhuman roar, and suddenly everything was lit up by massive flames.

“Fiendfyre,” Lyall screamed, running after his son in the direction of the village. When Remus got to the main square, he saw block after block of houses and shops ablaze. Standing in front of the inferno, was a tall, black-robed figure, who swept his arms up, and the fire formed into a massive, burning serpent. With a pang of fear, Remus recognized Lord Voldemort, for the second time in his life. Apparently satisfied with his work, Voldemort swept away into a pillar of black smoke and disappeared.

“We have to contain it,” Lyall shouted at the witches and wizards in the square.

“There are people inside,” an older wizard argued.

“It’s too late for them,” Lyall said. “And it will be too late for all of us if we don’t contain it. Once it reaches the forest, we’re all gone. Now help me. The flames won’t be doused with water, but if we flood the streets it won’t spread, and it will eventually die out on its own.”

Remus ran as close as he could to the fire, and shouted _“aguamente.”_ He willed all his force into pouring as much water as he could from his wand. Looking to each side, he saw witches and wizards joining in his efforts, water jetting from their wands, but it wasn’t fast enough.

“This way,” Remus cried, motioning to the left, where the fire was spreading across the street. “We have to get this side blocked off, or it’ll spread further.” He gestured for ten or fifteen witches and wizards to follow him, and did their best to stop the spread.

“We have to get closer,” a young witch, Amalia Horn, shouted at Remus. “We won’t be able to fight it from here.”

“No,” Remus shouted. “If this stuff gets you, there’s no putting it out. You will burn alive.”

“I’ll be fine,” she said, running towards the fire, but as she got closer a flame reared up, cobra like, and struck out at her. With a scream, she was engulfed in flame, and only moved for ten more seconds, before the fire gave way into a small pile of ashes.

“Nobody get any closer,” Remus shouted, which was probably unnecessary, given the looks of shock and horror on the faces around him. After a few hours, the collective efforts of the whole town created a mote around the central four blocks of town, leaving the fire to devour itself.

“Remus,” Lyall shouted, running over to his son. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Remus said, embracing his dad.

“I was so scared,” Lyall said. “I was so scared of losing you.”

“I’m right here,” Remus said, pulling away from his father. “Do you have any idea what the damage is?”

“Maybe half of the families were out of their homes when the fire started,” Lyall said, scanning the crowd. “I’d say we’ve got maybe thirty dead, and twice that number without homes. Nobody injured, though, since anyone who got near the flames…”

“I saw,” Remus said. “Amalia Horn got too close.”

“I’ll have to tell her parents,” Lyall said, glancing at a couple who were calling their daughter’s name. “Go home to your mother. Tell her I’ll be sending people over. We’ll have to find somewhere for them to stay, at least for now.”

“Okay,” Remus said, taking off for his house. When he got to his driveway, his mother was already waiting for him.

“What’s happening?” She demanded. “Where is your father? It looked like a fire. Was there another attack?”

“Dad’s safe. It was Fiendfyre,” Remus said. “He came, set the fire, and left. Half of the village center is gone. There’s going to be people coming over. They don’t have anywhere to go. We don’t know how many are dead, but it’s going to be a lot.”

“We’ll make do,” Hope said. “I’m just glad you and your father are alright. Now, I don’t think we have much bedding…”

“I can conjure up some sleeping bags,” Remus offered, glad of something to do while he waited for his father to return. When he did, he came with twenty guests, who accepted some food, then found sleeping bags, until the floor was covered, and the basement full. Remus and his parents gave their beds to their elderly neighbors, and found spots on the kitchen floor to set up their sleeping bags.

“We won’t have enough to feed them all,” Hope fretted, looking at all her guests.

“We’ll figure something out,” Lyall assured her. “I’m sure somebody will be willing to send us food.”

“James’ family will,” Remus said. “I was going to write a letter to him and Sirius. His family has the gold, and I’m sure they’ll want to help.”

“I think you had better write to them,” Hope said. “And then get some sleep. You’ll fall over from exhaustion, both of you. We can work the rest out in the morning.”

“And we’re lucky to see another day, and in our own home” Lyall said, surveying the room. Most of the people packed into their small house had lost loved ones as well as all their worldly possessions. “He’s taken so much from us tonight.”

“He will pay for it,” Remus said, looking at his neighbors. “I’ll do my best to make sure of that.”

 

The next day came with several owls from the Potters with various foods, and the promise of more. They even invited many of the now homeless villagers to stay in their mansion until they could find other arrangements. Remus escorted several of his neighbors over to James’ home, marveling at the vast wealth his friend had grown up in.

“How are you?” James asked, running up to hug his friend. “We heard about it on the radio, of course, but of course the Ministry didn’t do anything until the fire had finally died out. We were so relieved to get your letter. I passed word on to Sirius that you’re okay, but I haven’t heard back.”

“He’s not here?” Remus asked. “He said he was spending the whole summer here.”

“He didn’t tell you?” James asked. “His parents wouldn’t let him go. Wrote him the last week of term. I suppose he didn’t want to worry you.”

“He’s at Grimmauld Place?”  Remus said, incredulous. “He was never supposed to go back there, not after everything his parents have done to him.”

“What did they do to him?” James asked, confused.

“He has to get out of there,” Remus cried. “I can’t believe he didn’t tell me. I…” Remus broke off and sat down in one of James’ fancy armchairs. “I have to help out back home. We’re trying to re-build as much as we can, and we need as many hands as possible. Promise me you’ll try to get Sirius out of there. I don’t care if you have to beat down their front door. He needs to get out.”

“Okay, I’ll get him out,” James said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Promise?” Remus asked.

“I promise,” James said. “He’ll be fine.”

 

Three days after his visit to the Potters—who kept a steady stream of food coming—Remus was washing up after dinner and worrying about Sirius when a rock hit the window in front of him. Squinting, Remus could not see who was on the other side of the glass, so he headed out the backdoor to investigate.

“Where are you going?” Lyall asked, looking up the herbs he was grinding into a healing poultice.

“Smoke break,” Remus called back, ignoring the cry of protest from his mother. When he let himself out the back gate, he was thrilled to see the familiar figure of Sirius Black, but his excitement melted into horror when his boyfriend look up at him. Two yellow bruises covered his face, and his lip was split and bloody. His nose looked broken, and he wore the most defeated look Remus had ever seen on him.

“What happened?” Remus asked, reaching out to inspect Sirius’ bruised and cut face. “Your mum?”

“Yeah,” Sirius admitted, avoiding eye contact. “I didn’t know where else to go. I had to get out of there, and I don’t want James to know. Do you think I could come in?”

“Sure,” Remus said, reaching out to holding Sirius’ arm, but withdrawing quickly when his boyfriend winced in pain. “We’ve got about half the village in here, so I’m sure we can put up one more.”

“Why are there so many people here?” Sirius asked, as Remus picked up his knapsack.

“You haven’t heard the news? Voldemort attacked with Fiendfyre, and half the town burned,” Remus explained.

“I didn’t have much of anything the last week,” Sirius admitted. “I was locked in my room.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going home?” Remus demanded. “My parents would have had you here. Anything other than you going there.”

“I didn’t want to worry you,” Sirius mumbled. “I didn’t think it was going to be this bad.”

“Yes, well my dad will have a look at you,” Remus said, wondering how bad Sirius’ injuries were. “But you can’t lie to me like that, Sirius. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m not going back,” Sirius said firmly.

“Remus, who are you out there with?” Lyall asked, stepping into the back yard.

“It’s Sirius,” Remus called. “He’s hurt pretty bad. I’m bringing him in so you can take a look at him.” Remus lead Sirius from the backdoor straight to the bathroom so he could avoid the prying eyes of neighbors.

“Well,” Lyall said, walking into the bathroom. “Let’s see what’s going on. Did you get in a fight or something? Death Eaters?”

“No,” Sirius said shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “Not exactly.”

“It was his parents,” Remus said, ignoring the mutinous look he got from Sirius. “And get that shirt off. I know you’re hiding the worst of it.”

“Is it true?” Lyall asked, looking between Remus and Sirius.

“Yes,” Sirius admitted, looking at the floor as Remus pulled his sweater off over his head.

“Great Scott!” Lyall exclaimed, looking at the boy’s back. “Are those lashes? When Remus took a look at his boyfriend’s back he thought he might be sick. Some of the injuries went down to the bones, flaps of skin hanging off his backHe appeared to have had little to no medical care, and his whole back was red with infection.”

“Get in the shower,” Lyall instructed. “Wash with this dicinfectant soap. Remus, help him with that, then I’ll be back with salve and dittany. Here’s some potion for your bruises, and I’ll take care of your nose for you. _Episkey._ ”

Sirius jumped a little as his nose snapped into its proper place, then allowed Remus to rub healing poultice on his bruises. “It’s never been this bad,” he said. “She was really drunk, and so angry. I’m not exactly sure why. She just sort of snapped, you know. I couldn’t use magic, so I was stuck there in my room for a week. They had taken my wand. Eventually I climbed out of the window and got in the sitting room. They caught me when I took my wand back, but I got away and got on the night bus. I don’t know if they’re going to find me.”

“We won’t let them,” Remus said, helping Sirius into the shower, and stripping off his own clothes so he could wash Sirius’ back without getting his own clothes wet.

“Do you think your dad won’t like me now?” Sirius asked.

“Why wouldn’t he like you?” Remus asked. “This isn’t your fault.”

“But I let it happen to me,” Sirius insisted. “I got beat up by a woman. It’s embarrassing.”

“No it’s not,” Remus assured him. “There’s nothing shameful about getting hurt. Sometimes other people have the advantage, and that’s just how it is. There’s nothing you could have done. I’m just glad you’re here safe now.”

“I’m sorry to put you guys through this,” Sirius apologized. “I should have been able to handle it on my own.”

“Look at me,” Remus said, spinning Sirius around to face him. “We need one another, do you understand? We’re there for each other when we’re weak, because we love each other. I should have been there for you.”

“It’s just that, when I go back there, I forget all those things,” Sirius said. “That place is like a prison, and I feel like nobody could love me when I’m there.”

Remus had just reached out to hug Sirius when his father knocked on the door. “Is Sirius cleaned up yet?” When he pushed the door open, he asked, “Are both of you in there together?”

“Um… Yes,” Remus said. “I didn’t want my clothes to get wet.” Sticking his hand out f the shower curtain, he grabbed a towel and dried himself off quickly before handing the towel to Sirius. “Would you pass me my clothes?” he asked his father.

“Alright,” Lyall said as he picked up his son’s jeans and shirt. “Sirius, here are your pants. I have some healing salve for you once you’re dried off.” Remus patted Sirius’ back as well as he could without irritating the open wounds. Throwing the bloody towel out before him, he stepped out of the shower, followed shortly by Sirius.

“This should get you back to normal,” Lyall said as he covered Sirius’ back with a thick yellow paste. “But it is going to be sore for a few days. I’d do it with a healing charm, but I’m afraid that would give you some serious scars.”

“Very serious,” Sirius joked, but Remus didn’t find it very funny.

“Once the poultice dries, you can wash it off,” Lyall instructed. “Remus, come wit me.” Shrugging at Sirius, Remus followed his father into the relative privacy of the kitchen. “You knew about this?” Lyall asked.

“It’s never been as bad as that,” Remus said. “But yeah, I knew.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Lyall demanded.

“I promised him I wouldn’t,” Remus said.

“Remus, you should have told an adult about this,” Lyall said. “He should never have gone through this.”

“He promised me he wouldn’t go back,” Remus said. “If I had known, I would have said something. But since I thought he was going to spend all his breaks with James, I figured nobody needed to know. He just would have gotten angry with me.”

“Sometimes when you love a person, you have to do what’s best for them, even if it means they get angry with you,” Lyall explained.  With a glance over his shoulder, he saw Sirius making his way over to them, and forced a smile. “Feeling better?” He asked.

“Yes,” Sirius said. “Thank you for everything.”

“It’s not a problem,” Lyall said. “Remus can see to you getting some dinner. Let me or Hope know if you need anything.”

“Thank you,” Sirius said again, still not meeting Lyall’s eyes.

“Goodnight Sirius,” he said, and left the two of them alone in the kitchen.

“Are you hungry?” Remus asked, gesturing to the pantry.

“Yeah,” Sirius admitted. “Starving.”

Remus ripped off half a loaf of bread, and cut slices of cheese and sausage for Sirius. They sat cross-legged on the floor while Sirius ate, and Remus told him all about the fire, and its aftermath.

“So how are things between your dad?” Sirius asked, glancing over to the stairs.

“Fine, I guess,” Remus said. “There’s too much going on for me to bother being angry with him. Anyone would have said that, if the only werewolf they had met was Greyback. It’s not his fault Greyback targeted me because of it.”

“How do you just do that?” Sirius asked. “I would resent him my whole life if I was you, but you don’t blame him at all. I’d resent me, too.”

“Blaming the people around me won’t change what I am,” Remus said. “I’m somewhat limited in the people who will accept me for what I am, so I’m not about to make any more enemies than I have to.”

“You’re such a good person,” Sirius sighed, standing up to wash off his plate. When he got to the sink, he picked up the bar of soap, then turned back to his boyfriend. “I’ve never washed my own dish once in my life,” he admitted.

Laughing, Remus joined him by the sink, and showed him how to scrub off a plate and rinse the suds off. “it’s easy, really,” he said. “I can’t believe you’ve never done this.”

“Yeah, well us Blacks are above such things,” Sirius joked, then his expression turned dark again.

“Let’s just get some sleep,” Remus suggested. “We’ll have to take the floor. I’ve got all the girls in my bedroom.”

“Most boys our age would find that situation incredibly exciting,” Sirius pointed out as he pulled pajamas from his knapsack.

“Yeah, well it’s annoying waiting for the bathroom to empty before you can change. We’ve got seventeen people living here, and two bathrooms.”

“What are you going to do on the full moon?” Sirius asked, looking around to make sure everybody sleeping on the floor of the sitting room was asleep.

“My dad wrote to Dumbledore, and he’s arranged for me to use the shack,” Remus said. “We’ve got a family living in our cellar right now, so it’d be hard to do it there. Hopefully we’ll have everyone moved out my the moon after that.”

“I can write to James in the morning, and go over to his place,” Sirius offered. “I know you don’t really have room for me.”

“I’d like you to stay,” Remus said.

“But your parents wouldn’t,” Sirius said. “I’ll just go over to the Potters’. We can visit each other, and I’ll see if Prongs and I can visit you in the shack.”

“I don’t know about that,” Remus said, crawling into his sleeping bag. “But I’m glad to have you here tonight. I was so worried about you.”

“I’m glad to be here,” Sirius said, pulling his sleeping bag over to Remus, and getting in so that he could rest his head on his boyfriend’s chest. Smiling, Remus stroked Sirius thick black hair until his breath slowed, and he slipped into a deep and much needed sleep.

 

The next morning Sirius left for the Potters, leaving Remus to spend his summer re-building homes, hunting for potion ingredients, and helping his mother with the cooking and cleaning associated with hosting three other families in a two-bedroom home. By the next full moon, several houses had been re-built, mostly due to the Ministry lifting the Reasonable Restriction for Underage Wizardry for that purpose.  Remus spent the full moon with his friends in the forest, except for Peter, who was too nervous to sneak out and join them. As he recovered, Remus found himself reminiscing over the night. He had actually enjoyed his transformation, free from worries of hurting anyone, or the injuries that occurred after.

In August, however, there was no need to go to the shack, as the neighbors had moved out, and Remus was dreading another transformation alone in the dark cellar. There was no way he could tell his parents he needed to see his friends, and no chance of his friends sneaking over to see him. Whether due to stress, or the absence of his friends, the days leading up to Remus’ transformation were worse than ever, and the afternoon before the change, he was in his bed, shaking with a high fever.

“This certainly is a bad one,” Hope said, wiping her son’s forehead with a cool towel. “You’re burning up, sweetie. Maybe you should try getting some more sleep.”

Shaking, Remus fell back into an uneasy sleep, dreading what was to come.

 

Remus woke to blinding pain, and, sitting up a little, noticed his leg was in an odd angle. “Dad,” he called in the direction of the stairs. “I’m awake. Broken leg I think.” Another wave of pain forced Remus to lie back down and grit his teeth against the stabbing sensation in his thigh.  He hardly noticed his father rush into the room and mutter a healing charm. Lyall helped his son into a robe, then proceeded to apply a mix of diattany and silver to his cuts. “It hasn’t been this bad in a while,” Remus groaned. The wolf had been angry at the loss of his pack, and had become violent in its isolation.

“An you stand?” Lyall asked, pulling Remus to a standing position. As soon as he stepped back, however, Remus fell down again, his legs shaking.

“Damn it,” Remus said, cursing his body for its weakness.

“It’s alright,” Lyall assured him, pulling him back to his feet and helping him to the stairs. “We’ll just get you back in bed. You’re mum has breakfast ready for you.”

Remus held tight to his father’s shoulders as he made his way slowly back to his bed. He had grown too used to his friends’ presence, and couldn’t handle things on his own anymore. With a groan of pain, he laid on his back and pulled the blankets over him. He needed his friends, and he especially needed Sirius. With a smile, he realized that thought didn’t scare him as much as it used to.

When Remus woke up in the late afternoon to use the restroom, he caught a familiar scent. On his way back to his room, he walked to the living room to see Sirius sitting at the kitchen table, drinking tea with Hope Lupin.

“Sirius?” Remus asked, grinning. “What are you doing here?”

“Making sure you’re alright,” Sirius said, crossing the room to give his boyfriend a hug, though he was careful not to be as intimate as he would have liked. “I can’t stay long: I have work later.”

Sirius had taken a job at the Leaky Cauldron, insisting he needed to take care of his own expenses, despite the Potters’ argument that they were happy to have him. “How are you feeling?” he asked, following Remus back into his bedroom.

“Better,” Remus answered, crawling back under his blankets. “This month was difficult.”

“You’re mum said you were hurt pretty badly,” Sirius said. “I wish I could have been there.” He climbed onto Remus bed and placed a protective arm around Remus. Remus had not looked so thin and fragile since James, Peter and Sirius had learned to transform, and it made Sirius angry at the injustice of it all. Remus might be the best person he knew, and he had to live with such and awful disease. Leaning forward, he kissed his boyfriend’s cheek, then returned to holding him until Remus fell back asleep.

 

On September first, Remus was eager to board the Hogwarts Express and be re-united with his friends. He had come back into his full strength after his last transformation, and was back to looking forward to next month’s adventure. Unfortunately, he had to sit through a boring prefects meeting before catching up with his friends.

“Hey Lily,” he called, running to catch up with his red-headed friend. “How was your summer?”

“Oh, it was alright,” she said unconvincingly. When Remus raised his eyebrows at her, she gave in and said, “Well, to be honest it was lousy. Petunia hates me as much as ever, and she keeps bringing her boyfriend Vernon over. He’s such a judgmental, misogynistic, conceited prat I have ever met. And Severus kept following me around, trying to apologize. I spent most of the summer in my room studying.”

“Good,” Remus said harshly. “I’m glad you aren’t friends with him anymore.”

“How could I be?” Lily asked. “He used legilimency on you, then he called me a mudblood. Honestly, I should have done it ages ago, but he meant so much to me when we were younger. He was the first person who I felt could understand me, but he turned out not to be the person I thought he was. But enough about me. How was your summer? I heard about the Fiendfyre. It must have been horrible.”

“It was,” Remus said. “But it also made me feel closer to everyone. I mean, it isn’t easy sharing two bathrooms and one kitchen with over twenty people, but we were all working together for the same thing. I’ve never really felt like I was a part of the places I’ve lived until now. It is the longest I’ve stayed in one place.”

“That’s good, I suppose,” Lily said. “I guess we all have to stick together now if we ever want to beat him. Anyways, we’d best not be late for the meeting.”

After an unremarkable prefect’s meeting, Remus did a quick sweep of the train before finding his friends.

“The prodigal werewolf returns!” James exclaimed as Remus shut the compartment door behind him.

“Are you going to let everyone know?” Remus demanded. “I thought Snape was the only one doing that.”

“We won’t talk about him,” James said darkly.

“Lily isn’t friends with him anymore,” Remus told his friend. “It doesn’t mean she likes you any better, but you can probably stop competing with him at this point.”

“You know I thrive in a competitive environment,” James said.

“Maybe you should start competing for high marks in class,” Remus suggested.

“Do you know what classes Lily’s taking?” James asked. “Because I’m taking Transfiguration, Charms, DADA, Potions and Divination, and I know she’ll be taking the first four, but I don’t know if she’s going to be continuing with Divination.”

“She’s taking Herbology with me,” Remus said. “And if you had gotten and E in that class, you could join us, but as you thought you were too good to study plants, you can’t,”

“Dammit,” James cursed. “What are you taking again?”

“DADA, Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures, Charms, Arithmancy, and Ancient Runes,” Remus said. “And I’m not nearly caught up to the Ancient Runes curriculum. I’ll be half living in the library.”

“The least the goblins could do is give you a real answer,” Sirius said.

“Yeah, well they do things their own way,” Remus said, pulling a heavy textbook from his bag. “What are you taking, Peter?”

“Transfiguration, Charms and Divination,” Peter answered. “I didn’t make the cut for DADA.”

“Well, there’s still Dumbledore’s Sunday classes,” Remus said. “When do you meet for Divination?”

“Monday, Wednesday and Friday after lunch,” James answered. “Why?”

“Nothing,” Remus said, but he was busy calculating that he would have three extra hours a week alone with Sirius, who was not taking Divination either.

“Not trying to get rid of me and Pete, are you?” James asked, grinning at Peter, who smiled back. James greatly enjoyed how Remus and Sirius thought they were being subtle when they were eye-fucking all the time, and always making lame excuses to be alone together.

“No, not at all,” Remus said, reddening quickly. “Just wondering. No big deal.”

“Alright,” James said, laughing at his friend’s flustered response. “Just teasing you. You are so easy to embarrass.”

“Excuse me for not being as arrogant as you,” Remus retorted. “James I-Can-Do-No-Wrong Potter.”

“Confidence is not a sin,” James declared.

“It is if you’re trying to woo one Lily Evans,” Sirius pointed out. “One of the deadly ones, too.”

“But it’s all a part of my natural charm,” James said, giving his best dashing grin. “Not all of us can work the Sirius Danger-Is-My-Middle-Name Black angle. It’s not fair, really, that all the girls want to date you, and you’re not interested.” Sirius shifted uncomfortably, so James hastily added, “Not that that’s in any way a bad thing. I’m just saying, their efforts could be put to more effective use elsewhere. Might make Lily jealous.”

“Oh, come on, girls would be all over you if they didn’t all know you only had eyes for Evans,” Sirius argued. “You’re a star quidditch player, one of the most popular boys in school, and you get good marks despite the fact that you never let anybody see you study. You’re very dateable.”

“And you’ve got a nice ass,” Remus added, looking up from his Ancient Runes textbook.

“Moony!” Sirius exclaimed, as the other three boys broke out laughing. “Don’t worry, Jamie, I don’t think of you that way,” Remus said, grinning. “I just like to make Sirius uncomfortable. It’s so easy to do, you know.”

“You are cruel,” Sirius said, swatting at his friend’s arm.

“It’s in my nature,” Remus responded.

“No,” Sirius said leaning his head on his friend’s shoulder. “You’re a good wolf. Not exactly tame, mind, but good.”

Laughing, Remus tousled his boyfriend’s hair, and tried to keep the interaction friendly and playful. He wanted nothing more than to bring Sirius’ red lips to his own, James and Peter be Damned, but he held himself back. He had waited all summer, and could certainly wait another few hours. Probably.

 

Sirius sat down in his usual seat at the usual Potions table, but it didn’t feel quite right. “Isn’t it weird, being in class without Remus,” He asked James. “And Peter,” he added as an afterthought.

“Hey Evans,” James called, ignoring his friend’s question when a certain red-haired someone entered the room. “Why don’t you sit with us?”

“I’d rather drink a cauldron full or whatever we’re brewing today,” she retorted, settling down with a few seventh-year girls.

“Gotta love a strong female,” James sighed, turning back to his friend. “What were you saying? Oh, right, you were busy mooning over Moony.”

“And Pete!” Sirius said defensively. “And I was not mooning. It’s just different, and weird without the four of us together.”

“Yeah, well you managed a summer apart,” James said. “And in two years we’re going to graduate, and live in different places with different jobs.”

“But we’ll still be the Marauders,” Sirius insisted. “Best mates, always.”

“Of course we will,” James said, smiling at his nervous friend. “Nothing will get between us. Not even You-Know-Who himself.”

“Good,” Sirius said, opening his _Advanced Potion-Making_ textbook. “You know I’m hopeless without you guys.”

“I know,” James said. The class went on more or less as usual: Slughorn shamelessly flattering his favorite students, and intimating they would go far, with his influence, of course. Lily and Snape, sitting separately for once, achieved their potions quickly, while James and Sirius barely managed to make a recognizable concoction.”

“These would hardly make an Acceptable grade, boys,” Slughorn said, frowning. “And the assignments will only become more difficult. We are moving past the stage of blindly following a recipe. N.E.W.T. potions take intuition and focus. You will need to give your work your full attention, rather than chatting. Severus here understands.”

James looked over to see Snape, nose pressed to his textbook, taking notes in the margins of his book. “Of course sir,” Sirius said, smiling ingratiatingly. Why had McGonagall convinced him to take this class?

“You both have great potential,” Slughorn sighed. “I would have liked you both in my house, but regardless, with dedication and your natural charm, you both may yet go far.”

“Thank you sir,” James said, loudly enough to cover Sirius’ cry of outrage.

“My potion is ready, sir,” Severus said, offering a small vial for inspection.

“As if I’d want to be in his fucking house,” Sirius spluttered. “I’d rather live with a bunch of angry fire crabs. I’d have to share a room with _Snivellus_ for fuck’s sake.”

“This is very good Severus,” Slughorn said, favoring his student with a smile. “You have an inherent gift for potions, my boy.”

“For me, it’s more of an art, really,” Snape drawled, thoroughly enjoying his praise.

“Yes, yes, very good Severus,” Slughorn said, moving on to Lily’s cauldron.

“If you’re going to kiss Slughorn’s ass like that, you should at least get a room,” James taunted. “It’s going to put people off their breakfast.”

“Just because you and your arrogant, pampered friends have rich parents who will ensure you never do a day’s work, doesn’t mean the rest of us aspire to be nothing more than lazy, conceited shit-heads,” Snaoe hissed. “Axcuse me for wanting to amount to something.”

“Yeah, being a Death Eater’s a real nice life goal,” James scoffed, standing up to face Snape. “Only, won’t your master be a little upset when he finds out you’re only a half-blood.”

“Careful, Potter,” Snape said, drawing his wand as James did the same. “I may be a half-blood, but at least I’m not a filthy perversion of nature like your little friend—what do you call him—oh yes, ‘Moony.’”

“Shut your filthy mouth,” Sirius shouted, jumping to his feet and drawing his wand. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I think I know a great deal,” Snape said, his mouth curling into a smile. “You know I always wondered why you kept him around, but now that I know what you use him for—well, isn’t that a sordid little secret.”

“ _Stupefy,”_ Sirius screamed, but Snape blocked his curse, only stumbling a little bit from its force.

“Boys,” Slughorn screamed, throwing himself between Snape and the other two boys. “Detention, Black. Severus, Potter, sit down. If you act like children in this class, I will have to ask you to leave, for good. Now, work on your papers.”

Grumbling, Sirius turned back to his parchment, sending Snape dirty looks. “Listen,” he mumbled, turning to James. “What he said about Remus, it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Of course not,” James said. “It’s just Snivellus being Snivellus.”

“I hate him,” Sirius said, shooting Snape with his most venomous look.

“Me too mate,” James agreed. “Me too.”

 

Covered in sweat, and feeling very satisfied, Remus crawled into his boyfriend’s arms and buried his face in Sirius’ neck. “You smell like sex,” Remus commented, fully appreciating the scent of Sirius’ sweat.

“You look like sex,” Sirius said, brushing over Remus body with his hand. As he looked down at his lover’s body, he shuddered at the thought that Snape had seen what he was looking at, had seen the two of them together.

“What’s wrong love?” Remus asked, stroking Sirius’ cheek.

“Nothing,” Sirius said, turning his attention back to Remus. When Remus smiled back up at him he looked so innocent, so pure. How could somebody want to hurt him?

“You’re lying,” Remus whispered as he gently grazed Sirius’ lips with his fingers. “Something’s bothering you.”

“It’s Snape,” Sirius admitted. “He said some things about you during potions.”

“I know,” Remus said. “Lily told me about the whole incident. Look, nobody understands what he meant by it, and they all know it’s just Snape being Snape and spitting venom at everyone. He was only baiting you.”

“But he saw us,” Sirius insisted. “He saw things that were only supposed to between you and me. And then he looks at me, just to remind me that he knows, that he saw, and it makes me go crazy.”

“I hate it too,” Remus said, biting his lip. “And I hate looking at him, but I don’t think there’s anything we can do about it. Rising to his bait only tells people there’s some truth in what he says.”

“I just really hate him,” Sirius said.

“Look,” Remus said, “I love you, and you love me. Don’t let Snape get in between that. The only way to prove him wrong is to show him he can’t hurt us, because we’re both stronger than that. Do you think you can do that?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said. He leaned down to kiss Remus lightly, then said. “I’m not going to let anything to get between us.”

 

As soon as Sirius had shoveled his dinner down on a dreary October day, he hurried over to the library to find his boyfriend. Remus was sitting alone at a table in the back, pouring over three different textbooks at once, looking very tired.

“Moony,” Sirius whispered, sitting down next to his boyfriend. “It’s quidditch time, so you know what that means.”

“We can’t,” Remus sighed, turning to face Sirius, the shadow of last week’s transformation still hanging over him. “Pete isn’t feeling well, and he said he was going straight back to the room to get some rest.”

“Shit,” Sirius groaned. “I’ve been looking forward to getting you alone all day.”

“You’ll just have to wait until tonight,” Remus said. “Filch is over by the fourth floor mirror, and I don’t feel like getting it on an a hidden corridor.”

“Empty classroom?” Sirius suggested. “There are all those unused one in the astronomy tower. Nobody even goes over there.”

“Why not?” Remus said, closing his book. “I’m sick of Ancient Runes, and I could use a distraction.”

“Is that all I am to you?” Sirius mocked. “A distraction?”

“Yes,” Remus teased. “So I expect a good performance. Now come on,” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand, and pulled him towards the door, but stopped abruptly. “Did you hear that?” he asked.

“Probably somebody on the other side of the library turning a page,” Sirius said. “Your wolfy senses are just being hyper-active.” When Remus stood staring between the shelves, Sirius wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, and nuzzled his face into Remus’ shoulder. “Come on,” he pleaded. “It’s nothing.”

“Alright,” Remus said, then followed Sirius out of the library and into an empty classroom. When Sirius had locked the door, he turned back to see Remus sitting on a desk, kicking his legs back and forth. For a moment Sirius was reminded strongly of his failed sexual encounter with Karen, how forced and uncomfortable. With Remus, everything was easy and natural. It was absurd, really, that he had tried to deny that.

“You do know you look beautiful today,” Sirius said as he walked over to Remus.

“And you look alright,” Remus said, smiling as Sirius wrapped his arms around him and drew him in to a deep kiss.

“You look too stressed, though,” Sirius murmured as he left a trail of kisses down his lover’s neck. “I’ll need to help you out with that.” Sirius pulled up Remus’ jumper to kiss the pale flesh of his stomach, then worked on undoing his belt. Looking up, he exchanged a smile with Remus before pulling his trousers down. He loved being able to make Remus smile, get him to that place where he forgot all his worries and fears for just a minute. Closing his mouth over Remus’ hard cock, he looked up at his boyfriend as he bobbed his head back and forth. Remus groaned, feeling the weight of the day lift for a little while. Only Sirius could make him feel like this.

When Sirius stood up some time later, Remus didn’t complain because what was about to happen would feel much better. “Turn around,” Sirius growled, placing his hands on Remus hips. leaning over the desk, Remus closed his eyes and let the sensation of Sirius entering take over him. All they had for lube was spit, so it hurt a little more than usual, but the feeling of fullness more than made up for that. Remus pushed himself back up on his hands to get the right angle, and soon Sirius had hit that magic spot that made him gasp with pleasure.

“So fucking good,” Remus moaned as Sirius reached a hand over to pump Remus’ aching erection up and down.

“You’re amazing Moony,” Sirius whispered, gently kissing and biting Remus’ neck. For several minutes, it was just the two of them, feeling close as ever, loving and touching one another in all the right ways. They were so absorbed in one another’s bodies that they failed to hear footsteps pounding down the corridor outside. It wasn’t until the door flew open with a bang, that the two boys looked over to see Argus Filch standing triumphantly in the doorway, Severus Snape hovering just over his shoulder.

“What is this?” Filch demanded as Remus and Sirius hastily pulled up their trousers, feelings of horror and disbelief washing over them.

“Buggery!” Filch shouted, closing in on the two lovers. “Vile, degenerate buggery. Oh we are in trouble now, aren’t we? I knew the two of you were trouble, but never did I imagine… well, I can’t tell you what boys like you deserve. Back in my day, this sort of perversion wasn’t tolerated, no, it wasn’t. As far as I see it, sodomites need to get the queer kicked right out of them, maybe beaten with a fire rod, whatever it takes.” Siezing Remus’ wrist, he pull him closer and said, “And do you know what happened to dirty little whores like you? Well, come one, come all, is how it used to be.”

“Don’t’ touch me,” Remus shouted, pulling his wrist out of Filch’s vice-like grip.

“Just you wait until I call your head of house,” Filch threatened, stepping to the fireplace. “MINERVA.”

Remus closed his eyes in horror as McGonagall appeared in a flash of green flames. This could not be happening. He wanted nothing more than to sink int the floor and become invisible.

“Oh, what is it now?” McGonagall demanded, brushing soot from her robes.

“I came in here on a tip-off, only to find Black here sodomozing this boy. I told them, we will not stand for this, Hogwarts in not a place for limp-wristed Nancy-boys, I told them. Buggery is not—”

“Argus!” McGonagall shouted. “You have said quite enough. You may leave.”

“But—”

“OUT!” McGonagall repeated, fixing him with a stare that could kill. “And you will not speak of this to _anybody_. And neither will you, Snpae,” she added, shooting daggers at Snape. “We will discuss this with you late.” Once Filch and Snape had left, slamming the door behind themselves, McGonagall turned back to the other two boys. Remus wished he could die rather than look at her. His face and neck were burning, and his throat was constricting painfully. “Is it true?” she asked far more gently than either of the boys expected. Remus could only nod slowly without lifting his gaze from the ground, or the walls—anywhere but at her.

“Well sit down then,” she said, gesturing to two chairs. “And you don’t have to look so terrified. Nobody is dying. This sort of thing happens all the time.”

Remus chanced a glance over at Sirius, who looked stricken. He had barely moved from the first moment Filch had stormed in, frozen in terror.

“It’s quite alright, Black,” McGonagall said, moving a comforting hand to his shoulder, but he shrank back against her touch, as if he expected her to strike him.

“It’s alright Sirius,” Remus said, trying to project a confidence he did not have. Hesitantly, he lifted a hand to touch Sirius’ back. Sirius flinched, but took his seat next to Remus, a look of chock and terror on his face.

“I’m sorry professor,” Remus blurted out, feeling the desperate need to say something—anything to explain himself. “I—I…”

“It’s quite alright Remus,” McGonagall said. “Like I said, these sorts of things happen all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had two students in your position. Of course, I will have to hand out a detention to each of you, and I’m afraid I will have to write a letter home, informing them of what has happened.”

“You can’t,” Remus cried as Sirius made some sort of croaking noise.

“Can’t I” McGonagall asked, one eyebrow raised.

“I’m sorry,” Remus spluttered. “I mean, Sirius’ mum sent a howler just because he was sorted into Gryffindor. You can’t imagine what she would do if she found out that he is… that we were…”

“I don’t see any need to specify your gender in this letter,” McGonagall said, as Remus let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you Professor,” Remus said, gently rubbing Sirius’ back, trying to pull him from his state of shock.

“It does not matter to me, not does it matter to the headmaster whether Hogwarts students are gay or straight. We support all of our students equally, as we will support you if word of your… relationship gets out. I apologize if Mr. Filch said anything to sugges that the staf will be les than—”

“He called Remus a dirty whore,” Sirius said, finally looking up at McGonagall, barely holding back a tidal wave of rage. Remus, on the other hand, shrank back into himself, feeling humiliated as ever.

Seeing the shame on Remus’ face, McGonagall leaned forward and said, “what he said was unacceptable. I assure you the Headmaster will address it.”

“Everybody will be saying that and worse,” Sirius shouted. “Because you let Snape stay here, after what he did to Remus. He knew about us, and he used it to humiliate us. He never should have come back here: You let this happen.”

“Mr. Black, please sit down,” McGonagall said firmly. “I am very sorry for this situation, but everything is going to be alright.”

“No it won’t,” Sirius screamed, shaking with rage. “Nothing is going to be alright.” Turning away, Sirius stormed out of the room.

“Remus—” McGonagall said, turning to the other boy, but he looked away from her.

“I have to go,” Remus muttered. “He needs me.” Forcing down tears of shame and anger, Remus ran after Sirius, chasing him through the school, calling his name, until they reached Gryffindor tower. Pushing aside anybody in his way, Sirius made his way of to the dormitory, where James and Peter were laughing about some joke.

“Sirius?” James asked, looking over with concern.

“Leave me alone,” Sirius shouted, then fled to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

“What’s going on?” James demanded as Remus rushed into the room.

“Sirius,” Remus called through the bathroom door, unable to sense the dread that came with the familiarity of the situation. “Sirius, please talk to me.”

“What happened?” James asked, pulling Remus away from the door he was pounding with his fists.

“We were…” Remus began, but realized he needed to tell James everything. He had always wanted to confide his feelings in his friend, but when it actually came to it, he was nervous. “Look, for a while now Sirius and I have been…”

“Shagging?” James supplied helpfully.

“You know?” Remus asked, relief flooding over him. “Why didn’t you tell us, you bastard.

“Well, it was kind of funny watching you try to hide it,” James said, grinning. “Pete and I don’t mind. I mean, if it makes you happy, whatever you like. So what happened tonight.”

“Well, uh, Peter was in here,” Remus said, feeling extremely embarrassed. If Sirius wasn’t in the next room needing a great deal of attention, Remus didn’t think he would have been able to tell James the story. “So, we went down to an empty classroom to, you know, have some time alone together.”

“You mean shag,” James interjected.

“Yeah,” Remus said. “Well, we were doing that, and then Filch sort of walked in one us.”

“Fuck,” James cursed.

“With Snape,” Remus added.

“Double fuck.”

“And Filch was pretty awful about it,” Remus continued. “He called McGonagall, and she was nice about it, but now I think Snape is going to tell everybody, and he’s freaking out about it.”

“Sirius,” James shouted, hammering his fist on the door. “I don’t give a flying fuck if you like men, so just open up and talk to us.”

To everyone’s surprise, the door flew open, revealing a very angry Sirius. “Going to shout it so the whole house can hear?” Sirius demanded. “It’ll be all over tomorrow. Sirius Black: gigantic poofer. Just great, isn’t it?”

“What does it matter?” James demanded. “You’re Sirius fucking Black, and you don’t care about what anybody thinks of you. If they don’t like it, well fuck them all. You’re my friend, and if you happen to like cock, then you like cock.”

“Shut up,” Sirius said, turning around and walking to the opposite wall.

“Sirius,” Remus said gently, approaching his boyfriend. He reached his hand out to comfort his friend, but Sirius turned around and pushed him violently. Shocked, Remus stumbled, and would have fallen over if James had not caught him.

“What the fuck?” James shouted, as the look of anger on Sirius’ face melted into horror at what he had done.

“What’s wrong with me,” he moaned, sliding down against the wall until he was sitting on the floor. “I’m so sorry, Remus,” he said, head pressed against his knees.

“It’s okay,” Remus said, moving slowly towards Sirius. “You just need to calm down. Maybe we could have a smoke or something.” Remus glanced at Peter, who dashed over to his trunk to roll up a joint.

“Did I hurt you?” Sirius asked, looking up at Remus.

“I’m fine,” Remus said.

“You can’t fucking push him,” James protested, but Remus slipped away from him and went to kneel beside Sirius.

“I know,” Sirius said, tucking his head back between his knees. “I’m a horrible person. I don’t deserve you Moony.”

“Sh,” Remus soothed, stroking Sirius’ hair. “It’s okay.”

“Here,” Peter said, offering his friend a joint.

“Thanks,” Sirius said, and took a long, slow drag.

“Feeling better?” Remus asked as soon as Sirius had exhaled a line of pale smoke.

“Yeah,” Sirius said. “I didn’t mean to push you, I just lost control.”

“I know,” Remus said, ignoring the blazing look from James. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

“How can you say that?” Sirius demanded. “After what Filch said about you, about us. You know how people around here are.”

“Some people will be cruel,” Remus said, stroking Sirius’ back in an effort to calm him down. “But we’ll get through it. The four of us.”

“We’re here for you,” James said, setting his hands on Sirius’ knees. “No matter what. You’re my mate, and I will be on your side, no matter what.”

“No matter what,” Peter echoed.

“We’re in this together,” Remus said. “Because I know that’s the only way I can get through this.” Surrounded by his three best friends, Sirius let the weight of dread slide off him for a moment as he sat up and gave a weak smile. He took Remus’ hand, and agreed, “Together.” Whatever the next day had in store for him would come, and somehow, they would get by. Together.


	8. Stand By Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus cope with the fallout after they are outed, James at their side. Meanwhile, the Marauders realize that Hogwarts is no longer as safe as it once was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Brace thyselves for the tidal wave of homophobia  
> -self harm relapse  
> -Really vulgar language

“Come on, lover-boys, time to wake up.”

Remus stirred at the sound of James’ voice, vaguely wondering why he had spent the night in Sirius’ bed, when he normally would have returned to his own in order to escape detection. He also wondered why James had treated this situation so casually, like he knew… And then the memories of the day before hit him like a freight train.  
“Fucking hell,” he groaned, and sat up, displacing Sirius, who had wrapped himself around Remus like a koala bear. “Come on love,” he said, gently shaking Sirius awake. “Time to face the music. If we get to breakfast early, we might be able to finish before the Slytherins come down.”

“Not coming,” Sirius grunted, apparently unswayed by Remus’ logic.

“Are either of you naked?” James asked from outside the hangings.

“Of course we aren’t,” Remus said. “Getting walked in on by Filch sort of kills the mood.”

“Good,” James said, then yanked the curtains open, singing, “Rise and shi-ine.”

“Fuck me,” Sirius groaned, pulling the blankets over his head.

“I believe that is Moony’s role,” James quipped. “Now get up and get dressed, and get some breakfast. They say it is the most important meal of the day.”

Remus untangled himself from the blankets and went to the bathroom to change, leaving James to coax Sirius from his bed. When Remus returned, James had dumped a glass of water in Sirius’ head and forced his shirt off. “Do I need to take your pants off for you?” James asked, pushing Sirius out of his bed

“Leave me alone,” Sirius said, curling up in a ball on the floor at James’ feet.

At a hopeless look from James, Remus knelt by Sirius and whispered. “Sirius, I need you to get up and come down to breakfast with me. You have to keep going for me. Please.”

“I can’t,” Sirius said.

“You promised me you’d always be there for me,” Remus said, pulling Sirius’ thick black hair away from his face. “I need you to be here for me now.”

Sirius took a deep breath, drawing on what strength he had left, and sat up. Remus helped him to his feet and waited as he got dressed, washed his face and ran a comb through his hair. Sirius stood there, staring at his reflection in the mirror until Remus took his arm and lead him from the room. They made their way through the common room, everything normal, and through the portrait hole and down to the Great Hall. When they reached the entryway Sirius shrugged off Remus’ arm and continued to the open double doors, feeling very alone.

As the four friends passed the Slytherin table, they were met with giggles, whispers, and what felt like thousands of staring eyes.

“I know I’m gorgeous,” James said to the table at large. “But I urge you not to stare too long. The light of the sun has been known to blind people.” Remus chuckled, and Sirius allowed a small twitch of his lips that might have been a smile. Bowing theatrically, James, lead his friends past the hissing Slytherins and to their table. As they passed the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables they were met with less staring and whispering, but it was clear the rumor had spread beyond Snape’s own house. Looking over his shoulder, Remus caught sight of Severus Snape, and felt a burning sensation of pure loathing. The small, pallid boy smirking at him was the reason Sirius, his cock-sure, boisterous boyfriend was looking so utterly defeated.

“That wasn’t so bad,” Peter said as they took their seats at the end of the Gryffindor table. Ignoring the glances and muttered words coming from down the table, Remus kept his head up and filled his plate, just as he would any other day. Sirius took a piece of toast, but only pulled it into tiny pieces on his plate.

“Bacon?” James said, offering his friend a plate. “Waffles?”

“I’m not hungry,” Sirius stated, pushing his plate away from him.

“Will you please try?” Remus asked.

“Fine,” Sirius said, and put a small piece of toast in his mouth. His mouth and throat felt dry, unable to perform the task set before them.

“Chew, an swallow,” James instructed, patting Sirius on the hand. “One step at a time, mate.” Anyone who hadn’t heard the latest gossip had by then noticed Sirius’ odd behavior, and most of the table was focused on him. Sirius had never let anyone except for the Marauders see him in such a state, even at the worst of times. Lily was watching him intently, a look of concern on her face. She caught Remus’ eye, but her friend only shrugged, and returned to the task at hand.

Urged by his friends, Sirius managed to get his breakfast down, and he had just started looking a little more alive when the owls swooped in. Remus looked up, expecting to see his copy of the _Daily Prophet,_ but was distracted by the scarlet letter that fell onto Sirius’ plate. “Shit,” James said as the envelope began to smolder. “Sirius, hand it over. I’ll make a run for it.”

“I—I,” Sirius choked out, clutching the letter in his hands.

“Give it here,” James instructed, but before he could snatch the envelope from Sirius’ hands, the letter exploded into flames, and Walburgha Black’s voice filled the hall.

“SIRIUS BLACK, YOU ARE HENCEFORTH DISOWNED FROM THE ANCIENT AND MOST NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK.YOUR BROTHER REGULUS HAS WRITTEN TO US, INFORMING US OF YOUR DEGENERATE BEHAVIOR, AND IT WILL NO LONGER BE TOLERATED. HOMOSEXUALITY IS A BASE AND DEMEANING LIFESTYLE, NOT BEFITTING ONE OF YOUR LINEAGE. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A SODOMIZING PERVERSION OF NATURE. I ALWAYS KNEW YOUR FRIENDS WOULD DRAG YOU INTO THEIR FILTH AND BESMIRCH ARE NAME. THESE LECHEROUS ACTIVITIES YOU HAVE ENGAGED IN WITH ONE REMUS LUPIN DISGUST AND HORRIFY ME. YOU ARE A BUGGER AND A DISAPPOINTMENT TO THIS FAMILY, THEREFORE I HENCEFORTH WASH MY HANDS OF YOU. YOU ARE NO SON OF MINE.

Silence fell over the great hall as the ashes of Walburgha’s howler fell onto Sirius’ lap. He had not moved a muscle since the letter had landed, and he was staring in shocked silence at the blank space where the letter had been. “Come on,” Remus murmured, pulling at Sirius’ arm. “Let’s get out of here.” The hall was beginning to fill with a buzzing noise as all the students discussed the news. Remus half dragged Sirius out of the hall as he started to here shouts of “homo,” “queer,” and “poofers” coming from the Slytherin table. Remus had just made it to the doorway when he was stopped by one Severus Snape.

“And I only needed to tell one person,” Snape said. “Now everybody will know what you are.”

Boiling over with rage, Remus struck Snape across the face with more force than he knew he had. “Making other people miserable will never change the fact that nobody”—Remus struck Snape again—“Likes you.” For good measure, Remus hit Snape one more time, then pulled Sirius away in the direction of the boys’ bathroom, James and Peter jogging behind them to catch up. As soon as the four friends were inside the bathroom with the door locked, Sirius let out the scream that had been trapped in his chest since the letter exploded.

“That fucking _cunt_ ,” he screamed, waving his wand at a toilet, causing it to explode. “I fucking hate her.” He blasted another toilet into pieces. “BITCH,” he screamed, exploding a third toilet, then taking out a few sinks for good measure. Remus and James exchanged a nervous look, unsure of how to respond to Sirius’ violent outburst. “Fuck you and your fucking ancient and noble fucking house of fucking Black,” Sirius screamed, taking out the rest of the sinks, and a few urinals. “Fuck you all, you fucking cunt-faced fuckers.”

“I see we shall need to do some repairs on our plumbing.” All four boys spun around to see Albus Dumbledore standing in the previously locked doorway.

Sirius stood there, chest rising and falling, staring at the Headmaster. He looked back at the destruction he had caused, then broke out laughing. Everything was so ridiculous, so fucked up, so horribly, irreversibly wrong, and all he could do was laugh, and laugh, and laugh. He didn’t feel Remus’ arms close around his shoulders, and barely felt himself walk up to the Headmaster’s office, laughing all the way. It wasn’t until Dumbledore pressed a small glass into his hand that he stopped laughing long enough to ask, “Firewhiskey?”

“Let it be our little secret,” Dumbledore said, smiling at Sirius. Shrugging, Sirius took the shot quickly, then set down the glass on the Headmaster’s table.

“How many detentions am I getting?” Sirius asked, turning to the Headmaster.

“Believe it or not, I do invite students into my offices for reasons other than doling out punishments,” Dumbledore said. “Though, Mr. Lupin, I must give you three detentions, one for each time you hit Mr. Snape.”

Sirius turned and noticed Remus in the seat next to him. Instead of apologizing or meekly accepting his punishment as he usually would, Remus shrugged and said, “It was worth it, sir.” This statement was so un-Remuslike that Sirius dissolved into hysterics again. What had happened to the world today? Why was everything upside-down and inside-out? Had everything gone hilariously backwards?

“Sirius,” Dumbledore said sharply, calling the laughing boy back to his present situation. “I need you to focus. Can you do that please?”

“Yes,” Sirius said, looking over at Remus to confirm that he was not the only one in this strange hallucination. Remus smiled and reached out to take Sirius’ hand and give it a firm squeeze.

“Excellent,” Dumbledore said, lowering his half-moon spectacles slightly to look at Sirius. “I must offer my sincere apologies for what has happened to the two of you within this castle. Your privacy has been horribly breached in many ways. I should have expelled Severus last year, but circumstances made that decision extremely difficult. Even now, he has not broken the terms of our agreement. He overheard the two of you making plans, and passed that information on to Argus Filch, who assumed the two of you were up to some sort of mischief. Mr. Filch gravely over-reacted to what he saw, and said some things that are simply unacceptable. I have arranged for him to take temporary leave. Worse, you were subjected to public humiliation this morning, and no doubt will be harassed and bullied by your classmates. And I have been incapable of shielding you from these abuses. Hogwarts is meant to be a place of acceptance, learning, and community.

“I want you to know that you have the full support of Hogwarts, and its staff. Should you feel that anybody under my employ is failing to help and protect you, I urge you to come to me. I will not guarantee that we can protect you from what your classmates may do, but I can give you my word that I will do anything in my power to help you. That being said, is there anything you need from me?”

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look, both realizing that Dumbledore really would do his best, but also that his best would not be good enough. “No sir,” Remus said at last. “I appreciate your sentiment.”

Dumbledore smiled sadly at Remus, then continued, “As for your family disinheriting you, I understand that you come of age in less than a month.”

“That’s true,” Sirius said.

“In the meantime, I will be your legal guardian until we find somebody to take you under their care, or until such time as you become independent. I understand that the Potters have hosted you on several occasions.”

“Yes,” Sirius said, still trying to process everything that had happened to him.

“If you like, I can contact them explain to them what has happened, and your need of a legal guardian. Would that be acceptable to you?”

“Yes sir,” Sirius said.

Dumbledore nodded, then said “These next few months will be difficult for you. It will test your character, and your strength, but I assure you that you can survive this, and that things will get better. I have seen something like this happen on many occasions, and it does always get better. If you give in to despair, you give them a victory. Fight back, even when the battle seems hopeless. In times like these, hope is all we have. Hold on to it.”

“Thank you professor,” Remus said. Sirius nodded, personally thinking that Dumbledore could take his hope and shove it up his ass.

“Now, I believe you have class,” Dumbeldore said. “Charms, if I am not mistaken.”

“Yes sir,” Remus said, always polite.

“Mr. Potter and Mr. Pettigrew have been waiting outside my office trying all manner of passwords,” Dumbledore commented. “If you please, I would like the four of you to proceed to class. I will send a message to Professor Flitwick excusing your tardiness, and informing him of your arrival.”

Nodding, Remus and Sirius stood and left Dumbledore’s office, meeting James and Peter at the bottom of the stairs. “Well?” James asked, turning to Sirius.

“This is going to suck,” Sirius said, heading in the direction of the Charms classroom.

“Yeah, it will,” Remus agreed, dreading the stares and mutters they would face upon entering the classroom.

“But I know you’ll stand by me,” Sirius said, smiling shyly at his friends.

“Always,” James said.

“Always,” Remus agreed.

“Always,” Peter echoed, though a little quieter than the rest.

 

Remus was not entirely sure how he got through Charms that day. Flitwick had certainly helped, shutting down any rude remarks of hushed conversations before they began. Remus made a point of focusing on his charms, deliberately ignoring the fact that most eyes in the room were trained on Sirius and him. As much as he wanted to break down under the pressure, he needed to be strong and keep his chin up for Sirius. Throughout the class, Sirius’ breath would quicken, or he would begin to fidget, and Remus or James would place a calming hand on his arm or back. At other times, he would slump down in his seat, and stare at his desk without really seeing it.

It seemed like an age before the bell rang, and all four boys left the classroom as quickly as possible and headed to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. As he passed a group of seventh-year Slytherins, Amycus Carrow tried to grab Remus’s shoulder. When Remus threw him off with a shield charm, he said, “Where are you going, fairy? Off to get sodomized in a broom closet?”

“Don’t you say that to him,” James said, stepping in front of Remus, who swallowed the usual protest that he was quite capable of defensing himself.

“How can you put up with it?” Carrow asked. “I wouldn’t stand to have a bloody poofer in the room, thinking of me that way.”

“This may be hard for you to understand, given my undeniable charms,” James said as if explaining a difficult math problem to a small child. “But not everybody wants to shag me. Just ask Evans.”

“You ought to be ashamed of being seen with him,” Carrow hissed. “People will begin to think you’re as bent as he is.”

“And what if they do?” James asked, stepping towards Carrow. “They are my friends, and I’m not ashamed of them. If you can’t understand that, I suggest you find better friends.” Turning back to Sirius and Remus, he said, “Let’s go,” and half-dragged Sirius away from the growing crowd.

“Do you make everything into a joke?” Remus asked, smiling.

“It’s a special talent of mine,” James said. “We all like to be recognized for our special talents.”

“Well I appreciate it,” Remus said, still chuckling.

“It was funny,” Sirius admitted, lifting his head slightly, to smile a bit.

“And for the record,” Remus said, dropping his voice so nobody could hear. “We will never be interested in a threesome.”

Sirius made a choking noise as James and Remus laughed together. James’ jokes were a testament to the fact that he fully accepted Remus and Sirius and their relationship. At least one good thing had come of all of this, Remus thought to himself. Still smiling, Remus took his usual seat in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, close to the girls in their house. Close enough to overhear their whispered conversation.

“Apparently Remus was the girl in the situation,” Mary whispered, most likely unaware of the three boys sitting not far from her.

“Does it matter?” Lily asked. “Don’t you think they’ve been through enough without everyone talking about it?”

“But isn’t that gross?” Mary asked. “I mean, he actually took it up the ass. That’s disgusting.” Remus’ stomach curled, and his face burned as he heard Mary’s words. He could take shit from Slytherins, but from his fellow Gryffindors it was almost unbearable.

“Well, he’s always been a little off,” Susan Thurdolf whispered. “Everyone always said he was not quite right in the head, and it turns out all this time he was a—”

“That is my friend you’re talking about,” Lily hissed as she stood up and collected her things. “And he’s a better friend than either of you prissy, spiteful bitches.” When she straightened up and turned away from the other girls, Lily finally noticed the three boys sitting two rows and one column over. Blushing slightly, she took the empty seat next to Remus, who was still feeling sick with embarrassment. “I never liked them much anyway,” she said, punching him lightly in the arm. Turning to James, she said, “This has nothing to do with you Potter, so don’t let it get to your head.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment Evans,” He said, grinning back at her.

Lily groaned and put her head in her hands. Turning to Remus she said, “The things I do for you.”

 

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_You’ve probably gotten McGonagall’s letter by now. I really don’t want to talk about this over a letter. I’ll explain things when I get home. I’m sorry,_

_Remus_

Frowning, Remus tied the letter to Shadow’s foot and let him out through the common room window. His letter felt inadequate, but he couldn’t think of anything else in a sorry-a-teacher-caught-me-shagging letter.

“Well, you made it through one day,” Lily said, walking down from the girls’ tower. “I’d say it wasn’t so bad, but from what I overheard, it was.”

“It was pretty lousy,” Remus agreed, sinking into the sofa by the fire. “I lost track of how many people asked me how much I charge.”

“People suck,” Lily said, taking the seat next to him. After a silence where Remus stared into the fire, she said, “So… you and Sirius.”

“Me and Sirius,” Remus said, smiling at her.

“I never guessed,” Lily said. “And I gave your mystery man a good deal of thought. To be quite honest I thought it was Peter.”

“Peter?” Remus asked, sitting bolt upright. “That would be… no. Bad images.”

“Well, the night you came out to me he was making out with Janet,” Lily said. “And they fell apart right before Christmas last year, just when you got back together with your mystery boy—Sirius I guess—so the timeline fit. Plus, you usually partner with him in class.”

Once he had gotten images of himself snogging Peter well out of his mind, Remus said, “No, it was always Sirius.”

“Well, I suppose congratulations are in order. You’ve been sleeping with the most attractive boy in our year,” Lily said, smirking. “Half the girls want him, even after Karen told everyone he’s rubbish in bed.”

“Well, not with me,” Remus clarified. “I’m quite satisfied.”

“He’s lucky, you know,” Lily said, now serious. “You were really good to him today. I don’t know how you did it. I would have been a mess if it had been me.”

“Yeah, well it’s easier to push through when you know somebody needs you,” Remus said. “I have to be there for him.”

“Is he there for you?” Lily asked.

“Not with this,” Remus answered honestly. “He’s having a hard enough time keeping himself sane. But in other things, he’s always there for me. He stuck with me through some things that would have sent most people running. He’s the person I can talk to about anything, and I know he’ll still love me.”

“I’ll still love you,” Lily said, nudging her friend with her foot.

“I know,” Remus said. He was pretty sure that if he told Lily he was a werewolf that she would accept him, but he wasn’t ready to come out of that closet just yet. “And say what you want about James, but he was brilliant today. I wouldn’t have made it without him, and neither would Sirius.”

“I know,” Lily said, a pensive look on her face. “You always told me he was loyal, but I never saw that until today. It’s not just about picking fights, it’s the fact that he stood by you, even if it means people talk shit about him too. I never thought I’d say this, but he was really brave today.”

“Yes he was,” Remus agreed.

“This doesn’t mean I’m going to go out with him,” Lily clarified. “I still think he’s an arrogant tosser. I’m just saying he has some redeeming qualities.”

“I can’t tell you how much I appreciated what you did today,” Remus said, turning to his friend. “I hope it doesn’t mess anything up between you and your friends.”

“Don’t you get it?” Lily asked. “I don’t want to be friends with them. Not because you’re my friend and they said something bad about you, but because what they said proves that they aren’t good people. You’re a good person, so I only want to be friends with you.” Lily curled her legs up onto the sofa and leaned against Remus. “Can I ask you a question?” Lily asked.

“Sure,” Remus answered.

“Why Sirius?” She asked. “How did you know you were in love with him?”

“Oh,” Remus said, trying to think of a way to answer that question that wouldn’t take an hour. “I mean, we were mates first, so I obviously liked him. He’s fun, and doesn’t care what people say about me, and he actually liked me, which was sort of a first for me. Over time, I just started feeling like he just understood me, without me really needing to explain things. I wanted to be around him all the time, to be close to him. Even when I was really angry at him, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And, to be quite honest, he is very attractive, and I kept thinking about him every time I tried to have a wank”—Lily giggled—“And all those things just sort of fell together, and I loved him. I didn’t realize it fully until that time in fourth year where he dueled with Snape and almost died. I though he might bleed out, and it was just like, ‘oh shit, I really do love him.’”

“And then did you tell him?” Lily asked.

“Well, I kissed him,” Remus said. “And he kissed me back, so things sort of went on from there. He kept changing his mind again and again, though, and then there was Karen, but after all of that things fell into place. And they’ve been good for almost nine months now. So, that’s how I fell in love with Sirius.”

“That sounds good,” Lily murmured, already half asleep on Remus’ shoulder.

“You should go to bed,” Remus suggested. “You know, if James found us in this position he’d probably kill me.” Laughing, Lily sat up, stretched, and disappeared up the girls’ staircase.

When Remus pushed the dormitory door open, he could practically feel Sirius’ depression. “Still awake?” Remus asked, crawling into Sirius’ bed.

“Yeah,” Sirius said. He smelled strongly of marijuana and firewhiskey, but Remus decided not to mention it. He rolled up Sirius’ sleeves and checked that his wrists were free of any cuts before he wrapped his arm around Sirius and nestled his face into the back of his lover’s neck, breathing in the scent of Sirius’ shaggy black hair.  
“We’ll get through this,” Remus whispered. “One day at a time.”

“One day at a time,” Sirius agreed.

 

Mustering up his remaining reserves of courage, Remus left the relative safety of his Arithmancy classroom and made his way down to Ancient Runes. “Where you going, fairy? Off to get your pretty ass fucked?” A voice called from behind him, to which he responded with his middle finger. A fifth-year Slytherin girl approached him and asked “Is it true? Did you actually let Black bugger you?”

“Yeah, well, he’s prettier than you,” Remus said, pushing past her.

“Rumor has it you aren’t even a boy at all,” Rigby said, appearing at Remus’ left. “Only one way to find out, I say.” Remus caught Rigby’s hand before it got to his crotch, and pinned him against the wall.

“Careful now,” he hissed. “Best not to touch me: I’m highly contagious.” Rigby pulled his hand away as if burned, allowing Remus to slip away in the direction of a hidden staircase. On his way, somebody slapped him on the ass. Remus spun around to see Wilkes. “It’s okay,” Remus said sarcastically. “There’s no need to hide it anymore. It gets better.” Remus waited long enough to see the look on Wilkes’ face change from confusion to anger, then continued on his way. He managed to slip down a corridor and behind a tapestry without anybody spotting him, and let out a sigh of relief at finally being alone. When he re-entered the mass of students at the bottom of the staircase, he did his best to avoid detection.

“Lupin?” At a tap on his shoulder, Remus spun around, ready to defend himself, but saw a small, somewhat effeminate third-year Hufflepuff boy standing behind him. “S-sorry,” he stammered.

“It’s alright,” Remus said, doing his best to smile kindly. “Is there something you need?” He was still a prefect, after all, and couldn’t go yelling at everybody.

“I just wanted to say that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you,” the boy said quickly. “And I think you’re very brave. That’s all.” Before Remus could respond, the boy had turned away and run off into the crowd. As he watched him go, Remus felt a glow of happiness inside him, and felt a little more able to face whatever would come next.

 

After Ancient Runes, Remus decided to get to Gryffindor tower as soon as possible. While he may have to put up with stares and whispers there, he preferred that to physical harassment. He had just passed the library when he felt a blunt force hit him in the back of the head, which knocked him to the ground. Eyes watering, he felt the back off his head and decided he had been cursed rather than physically struck.

“Remus?” James asked, running to his friend. “What happened?”

“Hex,” Remus answered, trying to gather up his things through the pain in his head.

“I’ve got that,” James said, gathering up the contents of Remus’ bag that had spilled on the flagstone floor. “I don’t suppose you saw who did it?”

“No,” Remus said, looking up at the hallway. “And anybody who did obviously didn’t care enough to lift a finger,” he said bitterly. Head still throbbing, he accepted James hand, and got to his feet.

“I’ll walk you to the room,” James suggested. “I figure it’s safest there. I don’t think you should be walking around on your own. People have been saying some pretty nasty stuff.”

“I know,” Remus said. Once the pain in his skull had died down, Remus asked James the question that had been bothering him all day. “Out of interest, how did you find out? About Sirius and me?”

“Well, after everything with Karen, I figured Sirius had to be gay,” James said. “I never really suspected you. I guess it made sense you wouldn’t be dating girls because you’re just more reserved or something. Anyway, after Valentine’s Day Sirius came back to the room looking a little too happy for somebody who’d spent the night studying, so I obviously knew there was somebody. And then Peter and sort of walked in on the two of you kissing, and it clicked.”

“And it didn’t bother you?” Remus asked.

“Sirius is better with you,” James answered simply. “I mean, I don’t want to think too hard about my best friends getting it on, but the gay part never bothered me. You could have told me, you know.”

“I know,” Remus said. “And I should of, it’s just that I’m used to keeping my secrets until you force them out of me. The only person I told was Lily.”

“I’m offended,” James said. “You told Evans, but not me. That has to go against the Marauder’s code.”

“I knew Lily wouldn’t pry,” Remus explained. “I could talk about Sirius, and she didn’t ask me who it was. You would not have rested until you found out.”

“Granted, the two of you were pretty obvious for a while before I knew anything,” James said. “Straight friends don’t go to sleep in one another’s beds, or hold hands in class, you hug for longer than three seconds. Or kiss each other when high.”

“Oh, you mean you don’t hold Peter’s hand during charms?” Reus joked.

“I imagine his hands would always be sweaty,” James commented, wiping his hand on his robe as if physically experiencing the dampness. After a long pause, he steeled up his courage enough to say, “Remus, last night, Sirius pushed you.”

“He didn’t mean to,” Remus said firmly. “He’s never done anything like that before, and he felt really bad about it.”

“Yeah, but he pushed you,” James insisted. “When he gets angry, Sirius can get scary. Look, he’s my best mate, but if he hurts you, that’s not okay.”

“It’s just once,” Remus said. “You know how it is with him. He wasn’t himself. He needs me to be there for him, to help him get back to himself.”

“I’m worried about you,” James admitted. “You didn’t even get angry with him. Remus, if you let people hurt you, they’ll keep doing it. You don’t stand up for yourself, at least not with him, or with me.”

“Yeah, well you guys mean a lot to me,” Remus explained. “There aren’t a lot of people who will accept me for what I am, and I’m not about to push away the few people who will.”

“Just because you’re a werewolf doesn’t mean people can treat you like shit,” James said firmly.

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Remus said, shoving his hands in his pockets. He didn’t say anything for the rest of the walk.

When they reached the safety or Gryffindor tower, James went on his way to quidditch, while Remus made his way to the room. He had intended to take a long, hot shower, but when he opened the door his plans changed. Sirius was lying on his bed, one arm lying draped over the edge of the bed, an empty firewhiskey bottle at his heavily bruised and bleeding fingertips.

“Sirius, love,” Remus said. “What did you do to your hand?”

“Got in a fight,” Sirius answered.

“With who?” Remus asked, lifting up Sirius’ hand to inspect the damage.

“Regulus,” Sirius answered. “He’s the one who wrote the letter to my mum. He’s the reason she sent that howler. I hit him a lot.”

Remus took care of Sirius’ wound, then took his usual place in bed behind his boyfriend. “I’d tell you that was wrong, but I did hit Snape three times in front of the whole school.”

“That was pretty good,” Sirius said. “Hitting Regulus didn’t feel very good.” Sirius lapsed into silence, then asked. “Remus is there anything wrong with me?”

“No, of course there’s not,” Remus said. “You’re perfect, just the way you are.” He reached forward to stroke Sirius’ cheek, which was somewhat damp.

“Then why didn’t _they_ love me,” Sirius said, his whole body shaking with the sobs he was holding back. “Your parents are supposed to love you, but they just don’t, and they never did.”

“That has nothing to do with you,” Remus murmured. “There’s something wrong with them. They don’t know how to love, and they’ll never be truly happy for it. But you are whole, Sirius.” When Sirius didn’t respond, Remus continued, “You know, if you were to cry, it wouldn’t make me any less passionately, unconditionally in love with you.”

With those words, Sirius turned around, buried his face in Remus’ chest and started sobbing violently. “It’s okay,” Remus murmured as he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. Sirius stayed that way for a long time, pressed against Remus’ body, letting waves of grief flood through him. When he finally looked up, Remus planted a kiss on each tear-streaked cheek, then bent his head down to kiss his lips. “How much did you have to drink?” Remus asked, after being assaulted by the taste of alcohol.

“Not much,” Sirius lied.

“How full was the bottle this morning?” Remus asked.

“Three-quarters,” Sirius answered, avoiding Remus’ eye.

“You’ll drink yourself to death,” Remus groaned. “Come on, you smell horrible. Let’s get you in a shower.”

“I don’t want to,” Sirius groaned. “I just want to stay here with you.”

“You can be with me in the shower,” Remus said, disentangling himself from Sirius. Sirius complained, but he took Remus hands and got to his feet.

“Do I really smell bad?” Sirius asked

“You smell like stale alcohol,” Remus said as he turned on the tap. “And I’m not kissing you again until you brush your teeth.”

“Whatever you say,” Sirius said, but as he took a step towards the sink he swayed alarmingly and almost fell.

“Careful there,” Remus said, catching Sirius and helping him lean against a wall. “You’ve had way too much.”

“It’s the only thing that gets me through the day,” Sirius said, rubbing his eyes.

“Yeah, well maybe it can get you through a shower,” Remus said. “Now off with the clothes.”

“I can manage on my own,” Sirius said, shifting uncomfortably.

“I’m not suggesting any hanky panky,” Remus said. “But you almost fell over drunk. You’ll slip and bump your head. Now get naked. It’s not like I haven’t seen everything already.” When Sirius only fidgeted, Remus felt a familiar sinking suspicion and asked, “Is there something you don’t want me to see?”

“I—you were checking my wrists,” Sirius admitted. “And I had to—I can’t help myself Remus. I know I shouldn’t, but I need to do it.”

“Fuck,” Remus groaned, and rubbed his temples for a while before he looked up to see Sirius looking at him nervously. “Show me,” Remus instructed. When Sirius pulled up his shirt, he revealed shallow cuts in his side, seven lines cut into the flesh between his hip bone and his lowest rib.”

“I’ll get you some healing salve,” Remus said. “And you need to wash off.”

“Are you mad at me?” Sirius asked anxiously.

“I’m not mad,” Remus sighed. “I just don’t know if I can handle this on my own Sirius. I just don’t know what to do with you. If you keep doing this I’m going to tell a teacher. I can’t just sit back and watch you self-destruct.”

“I won’t do it again,” Sirius promised. “Just don’t tell anybody.”

“Are you thinking about suicide?” Remus asked, fixing Sirius with a hard stare.

“I—” Sirius began, then stopped. “I think about it all the time, but I don’t want to do it. It would be easier, and I wish I could just go to sleep and never have to wake up and deal with all this, but I don’t really want to die.”

“You’re not always in control of yourself,” Remus said. “Sirius, you need help, and I don’t know if I can give it to you. I don’t know what you need.”

“I don’t know either,” Sirius admitted, looking down at the floor. “I have no idea how I’m going to get through this, Remus. I feel like I’m falling and I’m just trying to catch hold of something before I hit the bottom.”

“Oh Sirius,” Remus sighed, then crossed the room, kissed Sirius’ cheek, and pulled him into a hug. “We’re going to get through this somehow.” He kissed Sirius’ neck, pulled away and said, “But for tonight, it’s a shower and then bed. You’ll have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. And I’m taking away your alcohol.”

“Remus,” Sirius protested.

“If you want help, you’re doing it my way,” Remus stated firmly. “I’m always going to be here for you, Sirius, even if it’s the middle of the night, or the middle of class. Hold onto me, or James, or anyone, not alcohol or cutting, please. We’re not going to abandon you like your parents did. You can trust us.”

 

“Caution! Flaming homosexual coming by. Keep your hands to yourselves ladies and gentlemen, he is highly contagious.”

“You’re enjoying this too much,” Remus said, stopping just outside his arithmancy classroom. “But I do appreciate it.”

“I live to serve,” James said, half bowing as Remus made his way to the door. Remus paused, walked back to Sirius, and planted a kiss on his cheek. Smiling, Remus disappeared behind the door.

Ignorant of the buzzing of gossip around him, Sirius reached one hand up to his cheek. “You act like he’s never done that before,” James said, putting his arm around Sirius’ shoulder. “When I know for certain he has, and quite a bit more.”

“Yeah, well, never with anybody watching,” Sirius pointed out. “It’s different. But nice.”

“You know it might help him if you let people know you actually have feelings for him,” James suggested. “Bellatrix has been telling everyone who can listen that you’re just making him your sex slave or whatever. Not very believable, after how you’ve been acting, but—”

“I can’t believe she’d say that about Remus,” Sirius exclaimed, his anger firing up again.

“That’s not the worst of it,” James said. “I know people have been teasing you, but honestly, it’s nothing compared to what he’s getting.”

“That’s not fair,” Sirius said. “Why are they being worse to him?”

“Just think about the, er, position you were in when Filch walked in,” James said, blushing. “Personally, I try not to think about it, but most of the school has been reading a lot into it.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Sirius said. “He’s done it to me plenty.”

“I didn’t want to know that,” James said. “But I’m just saying you’re not the only one having a hard time. He’s getting felt up and hexed, and he hides it because he’s doing everything he can to keep you from slicing yourself open.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, studying the floor. “Is it really that bad?”

“Yes,” James answered. “Look smart now, Carrow at two o’clock.”

“If it isn’t Hogwarts’ two best butt buddies,” Carrow said. “Lost your brownie boy? Or is he busy getting his ass nailed by—”

“Don’t you fucking talk about my boyfriend that way,” Sirius screamed, and punched Carrow across the jaw. After days of Sirius’ withdrawn behavior, Carrow had not expected a physical attack, and fell to the floor, spitting out blood and a few teeth.

“You’re a fucking blood traitor,” Carrow spat, turning to face Sirius. “You disgust me.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Sirius hissed. Both boys drew their wands. By this time, a crowd had amassed in the halls, watching the confrontation before them. “If you ever hurt him,” Sirius said, “I will kill you. You can count on that.”

“How can you threaten me when you’re not even a real man?” Carrow said.

Sirius threw a curse in Carrow’s direction, who shot a jet of red light back. Soon, Wilkes and Mulciber were standing next to Carrow, joining the attack, while James stood beside Sirius, deflecting curses, and sending more at the three Slytherin boys.

“Stop this at once,” Slughorn screamed, striding out of his office, glaring at the five dueling boys. James and Sirius lowered their wands reluctantly, as did the Slytherins, but not before Carrow sent one last curse at a now distracted Sirius. Yelling in pain, Sirius sank to his knees, clutching his stomach where he had felt the distinct sensation of being stabbed.

“Sirius?” James asked, kneeling next to his friend, who only groaned and spat blood onto the floor.

 

After classes got out, Peter tracked Remus down and informed him about that afternoon’s events. Carrow had used a stabbing hex of Sirius, sending him to the hospital wing with internal bleeding. Madame Pomfrey had fixed it up in a matter of minutes and sent Sirius to the dormitory to rest. “Thank Pete,” Remus said, and made his way to Gryffindor tower. Sirius was lying on his bed, but sat up when Remus entered the room. How are you feeling?” Remus asked.

“Fine,” Sirius groaned. “It really isn’t a big deal. I’d go do something, but I don’t want to deal with anybody.”

“Can you deal with me?” Remus asked, joining Sirius on the bed. He placed his hand on Sirius’ stomach and felt the spot where dark magic still clung to the body.

“Of course,” Sirius said. He lifted his head slightly to kiss Remus.

“Peter also said you called me your boyfriend,” Remus said, moving his hand up to Sirius’ chest, just above his heart.

“I did,” Sirius said. “And I don’t care who heard.” He reached up one hand to stroke Remus’ cheek, and gently pulled his head down for a kiss. He pushed Remus’ mouth open slightly with his lips, and Remus used this opportunity to slide his tongue in Sirius’ mouth. They hadn’t kissed like this since they had gotten caught, and he missed it. He could feel his desire building, but didn’t want to push Sirius. Judging from the small change in Sirius scent, however, he was feeling just as horny as the werewolf beside him.

“Oy, you two,” James called from the doorway.

“What are you doing here?” Sirius asked, sitting up on his elbows.

“Dropping my bag off before quidditch,” James said. “Could you two at least put a sock on the door before you start going at it. And didn’t you almost die today, Sirius? Didn’t know that was such a turn on for the two of you.”

“Carpe diem,” Sirius said with a small shrug

“We’re only kissing,” Remus pointed out.

“For now,” Sirius said, flashing Remus with a roguish grin that made the other boy’s heart beat faster.

“When I come back after practice the two of you had better be fully dressed,” James said as he set down at his bag. He paused on his way to the door and added, “Have fun.”

“We intend to,” Sirius called as the door shut. As soon as James was gone, Remus straddled his boyfriend and started kissing him faster and harder. One of his hands wandered down to Sirius’ belt and worked on the buckle. Sirius let out a small groan of anticipation as Remus pulled his trousers off.

“I want you naked,” Remus stated, stroking Sirius’ thighs. Excited, Sirius pulled off his socks, then fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. Making an impatient noise, Remus tapped Sirius’ shirt with his wand and it immediately unbuttoned.

“That’s handy,” Sirius said, but Remus, now naked as well, had already pushed him into the bed and was kissing him in earnest. Sirius wrapped all of his limbs around Remus, trying to draw him closer. He could feel Remus’ erection pressed between his buttocks, asking for entrance. Remus dipped his head down to kiss and bite Sirius’ neck while his hips jerked against his lover’s entrance. “”Patience, Moony,” Sirius said, pushing lightly against Remus’ chest.

Worried he had gone to far, Remus sat up, but Sirius only rolled onto his stomach, presenting Remus with easier access. Remus was aching to be inside Sirius, but he needed to prepare his lover. He went to his bedside table to get some lube, which he fumbled for some time before securing the bottle and getting his fingers and cock coated in the stuff. “Ever thought of slowing down?” Sirius asked, grinning as he wiggled his bottom invitingly.

“Fuck you,” Remus breathed, and got back on top of Sirius.

“I hope you do,” Sirius growled. Remus sunk his teeth into Sirius’ shoulder, then worked one finger into his lover. Sirius groaned with pleasure as Remus kissed his shoulder blades, then worked his way down Sirius’ spine to the curve of his ass. By this point Remus had worked another finger through the muscles surrounding Sirius’ hole. Remus sunk his fingers in as deep as they would go and expertly flicked Sirius’ prostate. He had done this enough that he knew the exact right spot to make Sirius moan and tense, then relax his muscles. As Remus worked his finger inside his boyfriend, Sirius loosened around him. “Give it to me Moony,” Sirius said, pressing his forehead into the pillow.

Remus made a growling noise as he lifted his head to bite Sirius’ earlobe at the same time as he pulled Sirius’ rear up until he was on his knees. Remus’ cock was hard and throbbing against Sirius’ back, and he rubbed against the cleft of Sirius’ ass before he pressed in. “Fuck,” Sirius groaned as he felt Remus fill him up. In that moment he didn’t care what anybody said about him: nothing that felt this good could be wrong. Remus thrust into him, adjusting until he found the right angle. It doesn’t take Sirius long to come, Remus following a minute later. Spent, Remus pulled out of Sirius and laid down on his stomach beside his boyfriend.

“I fucking love it when you get horny,” Sirius said, giggling. Remus moved one hand over to swat his boyfriend’s bottom, then let his hand rest there.

“I love you,” Remus murmured. “No matter what they say, when I think of how happy you make me, I can handle it. He took Sirius’ hand in his and they lay there, looking into one another’s eyes for quite some time, pretending that they were the only two people in the world.

 

By November, most of the talk about Sirius and Remus’ relationship had dies down. The some students, many of the Slytherins, still sniggered and whispered when they entered a room and most refused to touch anything either boy had touched, but the rest of the student body had more or less adjusted. Some students had openly expressed their support of their two classmates, and a few of them even defended Remus or Sirius when another student said something rude or hateful. During Sirius’ birthday party, he even went so far as to kiss Remus in front of the whole house, though quickly and only once. He also left one arm draped around Remus’ shoulder for the rest of the night, even when Karen Quigley passed by him.

“Er, hi,” he said, blushing.

“Well, this does explain some things,” she said, glancing between Remus and Sirius. She smiled, and said, “At least now I know it wasn’t me.” Sirius laughed in relief, and she disappeared back into the crowd.

Remus squeezed Sirius’ hand and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend on the cheek. “Want to go upstairs?” he offered. “I can give you your birthday present.”

“I thought you gave me a very nice present this morning,” Sirius said, remembering the blowjob he had received quite vividly.

“That was only a prelude,” Remus whispered, and making sure nobody was watching them too closely, he gently nipped Sirius’ earlobe. Laughing, Sirius grabbed him around the waist and lead him up to the bedroom.

 

“Have you seen Clarissa Randall?” Lily asked as Remus emerged from the boys’ staircase two nights before the end of fall term. “Third-year girl, blonde, small for her age?”

“No,” Remus said, picturing the girl. “Her friends haven’t either?”

“No,” Lily said, looking worried. “She told them she was going to the library to pick up a book she had left there, but that was half an hour ago, and she’s never been late to bed before. I usually wouldn’t worry, but she’s muggle-born, and…”

“I’ll get the map Remus said, out of instinct and took off toward his room.

“What map?” Lily asked, causing Remus to stop dead.

“Can you keep a secret?” He asked, turning slowly to face her.

“When have I shared one?” Lily asked.

“Alright,” Remus said. “Wait here. I’ll show you.” He raced up to the room, and ug through Sirius’ trunk for the map. On his way out, he called over his shoulder, “By the way, I’m going to tell Lily about the map. See you soon.” He ignored the protests from the other three boys and ran down the stairs to where Lily was waiting. “We made this a few years ago,” he said. He tapped the parchment and muttered, “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

“Wow,” Lily said, when the map came to life. “Does this show where everybody is?”

“Yes,” Remus said, scanning the map for Clarissa Randall. There weren’t many students in the hall, and it didn’t take him long to spot her tiny labeled dot. His heart sunk, however when he realized she was not alone. “Shit,” he said, shoving the map into his pocket. She’s in the library with Mulciber, Rosier, _and_ Wilkes.”

“We have to go,” Lily said.

“Hang on,” Remus said, and ran back up the staircase. “Sirius, James, come with me and bring your wands.” He heard the scuffle, and in a matter of minutes, James and Sirius were sprinting down the staircase, still in their pajamas, but holding their wands.

Remus explained the situation as the four students ran through the hallways—James and Sirius still barefoot—to the library. James outstripped Remus and threw the doors open first, tearing down the aisles of books. As he drew nearer, Remus heard the voice of Rosier saying, “Make the mudblood dance for us again Mulciber.”

“Have her take her shirt off too,” Wilkes put in.

“ _Stupefy,”_ James shouted, shooting a forceful stunner at Mulciber. Remus sprinted past the last bookshelf, Sirius close behind him to see the three boys facing James, wands out. Clarissa, liberated no doubt from the imperious curse, was standing behind them in only her panties, covering her chest with her hands.

“Go around the other side,” Remus said, turning around to address Lily. “Clarissa’s on that side.” As Remus spoke a jet of red light sped past his ear, and he turned to see Rosier advancing on him. “ _Expelliarmus,”_ Remus yelled, and with that, he was dueling Rosier. Everything seemed to slow down as he observed the minutest detail—Rosier’s slight movements that gave away his plans, or Lily helping Clarissa into her clothes, or Sirius throwing spells back and forth with Mulciber. Mulciber’s spell bounced off one of Sirius’ and hit James, who had been focusing on fending Wilkes off. As his wand flew from his hand, James was hit by a jet of fire that erupted from Wilke’s wand. As Wilkes joined Mulciber against Sirius, Lily sent a silver doe from her wand, then hit Wilkes from behind with a stunner.

“Mudblood _cunt_ ,” Mulciber screamed, wheeling around to face her, giving Remus an opportunity to disarm Mulciber, but not before he sent a curse in Lily’s direction. She fell to her knees, bleeding out her mouth and nostrils. Distracted by Lily’s injuries, Remus missed _sectumcempra_ coming from Rosier, but Sirius seized his arm and pulled him out of the way.

“ _Incarcerus,”_ boomed a voice from behind Remus, and Rosier was instantly wrapped in ropes. Remus turned around to see Professor Dumbledore striding over to Lily. He knelt by her and murmured some healing spells, and she stopped bleeding. James was crouched behind her, both hands on her arms, holding her as close as he could.

“Are you alright?” Remus asked, helping Clarissa to her feet.

“They—they made me—” She stammered.

“It’s alright,” Remus said. She was shaking violently, but Remus didn’t want to touch her for fear of making her uncomfortable. Instead, he conjured a blanket and wrapped it around her. “We’ll get you to the hospital wing,” he soothed.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked, running over to Remus’ side.

“I’m fine,” Remus said. “I wouldn’t have been if you didn’t pull me out of the way.” Sirius pulled Remus’ head close to him and kissed his hair, assuring himself that his boyfriend really was safe. Professor McGonagall appeared on the scene and quickly bound the three aggressors and brought them to their feet. She took their wands and lead them out from the room. Clarissa shrank back as they passed.

“Are any of you injured?” Dumbledore asked, turning to the two boys and the shaking girl. Lily was back on her feet, but James had not let go of her, nor had she pulled away.

“None of us are hurt,” Remus answered. “But I think we had better get Clarissa to the hospital wing.”

“It’s alright,” Dumbledore said, placing a hand on Clarissa’s shoulder. “You are safe now. We’re going to see Madame Pomfrey, and you will be able to get some rest. Does that sound good?” Clarissa nodded, then, to Remus’ surprise, grabbed his hand as the six of them made their way to the hospital wing. As Madame Pomfrey fussed over Lily and Clarissa, Dumbledore pulled the three boys aside, James reluctantly letting Lily go. “What has happened?” He asked.

“Lily noticed that Clarissa wasn’t in her bed tonight,” Remus answered. “She was worried since Clarissa is muggle-born, so we went to the library. That was the last place her friends knew she had gone. I asked James and Sirius to come, just in case there was trouble. When we came, it seemed as if Mulciber had her under the influence of the imperius curse. They were making her dance and undress.”

As Remus said these last words, Dumbledore closed his eyes, an expression of pain on his face. He took a few moments to compose himself, then asked, “What happened from there?”

“We dueled,” James answered. “I don’t know what they hit Lily with. Will she be alright?”

“Ms. Evans is well,” Dumbledore answered. “She will need some rest, as she has lost some blood, but is otherwise unhurt. I must thank you for helping me protect Clarissa. Had you not come in time, I am sure she would have been greatly harmed, both physically and mentally.”

“They’ll go to Azkaban, won’t they,” James said. “If they used an unforgivable curse, they won’t come back, right?”

“I will have them expelled,” Dumbledore answered, frowning. “But the wizengamot has the authority to reverse that ruling. Mulciber’s father has great influence there, as do Wilkes and Rosier’s fathers. I’m afraid it is quite likely they will be allowed to return.”

“But you’re on the wizengamot!” Sirius cried.

“Please keep your voice down,” Dumbledore urged, glancing over his shoulder at the bed where Clarissa was lying. “If you feel the need to shout at me, you can come to my office, but I would like to inform Ms. Randall that she may be forced to face her tormentors in a different setting. Is that alright.”

“Yes,” Sirius said, hanging his head slightly. Mulciber had gotten away with attempting to use the imperius curse on Mary McDonald a few years ago, and had not been expelled for using a stabbing curse on Sirius either.

“I promise I will do my best to have these boys punished, but—”

“But it just won’t be good enough,” Remus said, looking up to meet Dumbledore’s clear blue eyes. “They are more of us than there are of them, but they have the power because too many of us are afraid. They threaten and kill and torture, and too many people let them do it because they’re afraid it will be them or their family next. And you can’t stop it.” Remus had known since the age of four that adults cannot stop bad things from happening, not matter how smart or powerful they seemed. Dumbledore may have been the Headmaster of the castle, but he was not master of the wizarding world, and he could not keep that world out of his school.

“But it does not believe I will fight for her,” Dumbeldore said softly. “By all means possible, I will try to see that justice is done.”

“Even though you know it won’t be?” James asked.

“Yes, Mr. Potter,” Dumbledore said. “We must find the courage to push on, even in hopeless situations. That is the only way we may every defeat the evil that has closed in on our people these last few weeks. We cannot despair—we must fight.”

“I will fight,” Sirius said, a hardness in his voice that confirmed his words. “Even if they kill me, I’ll fight.”

“Me too,” James agreed.

“And me,” Remus said. Looking at his two friends, he believed them, but also worried for them. It wasn’t the fear of death that would get in their way—they were far too cocky to really believe they could die—but the fear of failure. They were all full of fight and courage now, but Remus wondered if it would be enough. He could only hope it would be.


	9. Happy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus comes out to his parents with mixed results, celebrates his seventeenth birthday, then faces the worst bullying yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-This chapter is MUCH more violent than the rest and there is attempted sexual assault  
> -still loads of homophobia, obvs

When the Hogwarts Express pulled into King’s Cross station, Francine and John Potter were waiting for James and Sirius on the platform. James ran up to hug his parents, but Sirius held back, looking nervously at Remus.

“Go on,” Remus encouraged. “They’re practically your parents now. I’m sure they’re happy to see you.”

“Even now that they know?” Sirius asked, eyeing the Potters suspiciously.

“They agreed to be your guardians,” Remus said, giving Sirius’ hand a hard squeeze. “John’s brother is gay, and James had already told them. You have nothing to be worried about.”

“And your parents?” Sirius asked.

“Things will be fine,” Remus said uncertainly. “I mean, they won’t hurt me or disinherit me or anything, but I’m not sure they’ll be exactly pleased. So far I’ve done a pretty shite job at being a normal son.”

“Normal is boring,” Sirius said. He kissed Remus on the cheek, and then headed off in the direction of the Potters. Remus watched Francine embrace Sirius as John patted him on the shoulder, then turned to his third friend.

“Are your parents picking you up?” He asked, to which Peter only responded with a shrug. Peter had been pissy ever since Remus had asked James and Sirius and not him to help with the fight in the library, but Remus didn’t have the time or the energy to try to calm his friend down. He had had enough to worry about this term with trying to keep Sirius safe and sane, and he was anxious about the conversation he knew he had to have with his parents later that night. All in all, he didn’t have a shit to give about Peter’s bruised ego.

“See you next term,” Remus said finally, and walked through the magical barrier and into King’s Cross. His parents had arranged for him to take the train home, for which Remus was grateful. He would not have enjoyed the three hour car ride of awkwardness and unasked questions. He got on his train without incident, and successfully distracted himself with his ancient runes textbook. He was not as far ahead as he would have liked to be, but baby-sitting Sirius had been a significant setback in his studies. When the train pulled into the station some hours later, it was already dark and snowing outside.

He scanned the waiting crowds outside the station until he found his parents standing by the road in front of their beat up old car. Waving, he hurried over.

“Remus!” Hope cried once her son got close enough. “Have you gotten taller again?”

“Maybe an inch,” Remus said as his mother pulled him in for a hug. Lyall took his son’s bag and loaded it in the boot of the car.

“Let’s go home and get some dinner in you,” Hope proposed, kissing her son on the cheek. “We can talk after you’ve eaten.”

“Sounds good,” Remus said, stomach twisting in anxiety. Would his mother be just as excited to greet her queer son?

“You had a good term?” Lyall asked as Hope started the car.

“It was eventful,” Remus said truthfully.

“Dumbledore wrote to us about the incident in the library,” Lyall said. “He said you fought well.”

“We had them outnumbered,” Remus said evasively. Praise always made him uncomfortable.

“Was it frightening?” Hope asked. “The idea of the imperius curse—it gives me shivers. To think somebody at school would do something like that is just awful.”

“Yeah, well if Mulciber doesn’t have a dark mark yet, he will the moment he graduates,” Remus said. “Mulciber, Wilkes, Rosiere, Snape, the lot of them are all death eaters in the making.”

“Things are almost back to normal,” Hope said, gesturing at the newly re-built village outside the window. “Those Ministry workers really did help. Everyone’s back in their own home, and Linda Caraway says the new house is nicer than the last.”

“Well it’ll be nice to have my room back,” Remus commented. He studied the houses they passed, musing over how long it had taken to get close to normal again, when it only could have taken Voldemort a few minutes to set the fire. But they had re-built, and they would again if they had to.

“Well, we’re here,” Hope said happily, pulling into the driveway. “We had some chicken from that muggle farmer just down the way, and it was really good. I’ll heat some up for you.”

“Thanks,” Remus said. He picked up his bag and dropped it off in his old room. He sat down on his bed and studied his childhood room. It was small, with hardly any room between his desk and bed. The shelves on the bookshelf were sagging under the weight of his many books, and his few clothes were tucked into a small chest of drawers at the foot of his bed. Coming home always made him feel like a young boy again, but they were not happy memories. He had spent days alone in this room, wondering why he couldn’t play with the other kids, why his parents never invited the neighbors over. He had only spent a year here before leaving for Hogwarts, but it had been a lonely year. Now he had James and Peter and Sirius, and despite the war he was happier than ever.

“Remus?” Lyall said, rapping on the door. “Your mother has some food ready for you.” Pushing aside his thoughts, Remus left his room and sat down at the kitchen table. He said nothing as he ate, focusing on his plate, and not on the conversation that would come once the plate was cleared. It seemed to take forever before he was finished, but he found himself wishing to have the excuse of eating back. Once he had washed his plate, he sat back down, avoiding his parents’ eyes.

“I wanted to talk to you about the letter we got from Professor McGonagall earlier this year,” Hope began. “She wrote that you were…intimate with another student in a classroom. Do you have a girlfriend?”

Looking down at his hands, Remus whispered, “No.” He took a deep breath, then admitted, “I have a boyfriend.”

Hope and Lyall looked at one another, both wearing faces of surprise. Remus wanted to fall through the floor and hide. He felt like he was sitting there with no clothes on. At last, Hope said, “Well, that’s lovely.” Remus looked up at his mother, trying to figure out if she was being honest. “It isn’t exactly what we were expecting,” she conceded, “But if you’re happy, then we’re happy.” She said the last part very firmly, and gave Lyall a look saying he would agree with her if he knew what was best for him.

“Of course,” Lyall said stiffly, though Remus did not believe him.

“Have we met him?” Hope asked, actually smiling now.

“Yeas,” Remus answered. “It’s Sirius.”

“Oh,” Hope said as Lyall made a sort of choking noise. “Well we liked him,” she said. “And you’re happy with him?”

“Yes,” Remus answered, finally looking up to fully meet his parents’ eyes. “I love him.”

“That’s great,” Hope said. “Remus, dear, it doesn’t matter who you love—we still love you for who you are.”

“You’re not disappointed?” Remus asked, his throat burning. The sense of relief was so immense it was almost painful.

“Of course we’re not,” Hope said, moving over to hug her son. “We’d never be disappointed in you. And I’m glad you have found somebody, but, well, you can’t go having sex in empty classrooms.”

“I know,” Remus said, covering his face with his hands. “It was so humiliating,” he admitted. “When Filch caught us he said horrible things, and then Sirius’ mum sent the howler—”

“She sent a _howler_?” Lyall asked, horrified.

“Yes,” Remus said miserably. “She disowned him, and the whole school heard. Everybody was talking about me and him, and it’s been awful. You—you don’t know what people say about me at school.”

“It’s alright,” Hope said, wrapping her arms around her son. “Nothing they say matters. All that matters is that you are a kind, intelligent, strong young man and we love you.” As Hope comforted her son Lyall got up awkwardly and busied himself making tea. When the tea was ready, Hope moved back to her own seat and smiled at Remus. “So, how long have you and Sirius been going out?”

“Since the end of fourth year, sort of,” Remus said. “I mean, it he started calling me his boyfriend midway through fifth-year, but things really started before that. It was sort of confusing.”

“And you never told us?” Hope asked. “You could have told us.”

“I know,” Remus said. It would have been so nice to be able to talk to somebody about everything that had happened with Sirius, but he hadn’t been able to work up the courage to say anything. “I’d like to go to bed now,” he said.

“Alright,” Hope said, though she looked like she wanted to say something else. Remus went to the bathroom and ran the shower, but opened the door slightly so he could hear his parents’ conversation from the kitchen.

“You could have been more supportive,” Hope said to her husband. “When your son come out to you you can’t just sit there and stare. You’re going to make him think we have a problem with him being gay.”

“And you don’t?” Lyall asked, his voice barely audible over the running water. “Look, I don’t want to upset him, but I don’t exactly want to encourage this. I mean, it’s a perfectly fine lifestyle for certain people, but Remus isn’t like that.”

“Just because he’s gay doesn’t change who he is,” Hope said defensively. “He can be whatever he wants to be. You know as well as I do that he has a lot of difficult things in his life. If there’s something that makes him happy, somebody, then we have to be happy for him, especially after everything he’s gone through at school. You know how he is: if he thinks you disapprove he’ll never speak about it again. He needs to be able to talk to us at least.”

“I know,” Lyall said with a groan. Remus heard the shifting of a chair that told him his father had taken a seat before the fireplace. “I want him to be happy, I do, but I don’t know how he can be happy with… like that.”

“It’s just the same as it was for us when we were young,” Hope said. “It’s just with different parts I suppose. You saw the look on his face when he said he was in love. Is it really so different?”

“Yes it is,” Lyall said firmly. “What happens between a man and a woman, _that’s_ how it’s supposed to be. With two boys… I mean, I was prepared to talk to him about having sex with girls, but this is something else entirely. I don’t want to think about my _son_ doing those things. It’s not natural. It’s disgusting.”

“Don’t you dare say that to him,” Hope said, her voice sharp and cold. “If you make him feel like you think less of him, you will drive him away. And if you drive my only son away from me, Lyall Lupin, so help me God I will leave you.”

Remus quietly shut the door shaking slightly after what he had heard. He undressed quickly and got under the hot water, trying to shake his father’s words from his mind. _It’s not natural._ _It’s disgusting._ He had put a wall between himself and his father ever since he had learned his father’s original view on werewolves, but it hurt all the same to hear Lyall say those things. He wrapped his arms around himself, wishing the water could just wash away how dirty he felt. After an exceedingly long shower, Remus dried himself off, still feeling like his skin was crawling with tiny insects he couldn’t see. He had never felt the way Sirius did, had always accepted his feelings as natural, and he still felt that everything he had done with Sirius was good, but it didn’t stop him from wishing he could just be normal for once. It seemed the universe had conspired to make sure he would never be the son his father wanted. But at least his mother still wanted him, didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. And that would have to be enough.

After Remus had changed into his pajamas and unpacked his few things, he heard a knock on his door. “Come in,” he said, praying it was not his father.

“Remus?” Hope asked, pushing the door open. “I have some chocolate.”

“I—I’ve already brushed my teeth,” Remus said, caught off guard.

“I doubt your teeth will fall off,” Hope said, taking a seat at the foot of Remus’ bed. Shrugging, he sat opposite her and accepted a piece of chocolate. “Are you feeling alright?” She asked.

“I’m fine,” Remus lied.

“Look, I understand it might be hard talking about these things,” Hope said. “But I want you to feel like you can trust me with anything.”

“I know,” Remus said.

“Then tell me about Sirius,” Hope said. “You’re in love for the first time, and that’s exciting. Tell me about your first kiss.”

Remus looked up at his mother, confused, then decided she really did want to know. “Well, the very first time doesn’t count, because we were high, but it was the beginning of fourth year…”

“You were getting high at the beginning of fourth year?” Hope asked, raising her eyebrows.

“You said I could talk to you about anything,” Remus pointed out, chancing a grin.

“Well, you have me there,” Hope conceded.

“Anyways,” Remus continued. “He kissed me, and then he passed out. But the real first time it was after he had gotten in that duel with Snape in fourth year and almost died. That was pretty much when I forgave him for the prank, and I kissed him.”

“You kissed him first?” Hope asked, laughing.

“Yeah,” Remus admitted. “He’s usually pretty bold, so it was a bit of a surprise to both of us, but it worked out.”

“And your first time?” Hope asked. “It was good? You were ready for it?”

Remus did not want to talk about this with his mother, but it was also good to know she wasn’t disgusted by the idea of him having sex with another boy. “It was really good,” he said at last. “By that point he was committed to us, and he never pushed me or anything like that. I’m glad it was with him. I know I can trust him.”

“Good,” Hope said. “As much as I hate to admit it, you aren’t a child anymore Remus. I’m glad everything happened with somebody you love. I don’t know what your classmates have said, but there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to be with another boy. I know kids can be pretty nasty about things like this.”

“It’s gotten better,” Remus said. “Most people have gotten bored with it. But there are still a few people—death eaters—who scare me a little. I’m glad my friends know now, but I still hate Snape for what he did.”

“I take it that’s why you hit him?” Hope asked. “Because he outed you?”

“He just looked so smug about it,” Remus explained. “And I can handle it, but Sirius can’t. He just looked so broken, and Snape was rubbing it in our faces, and I just snapped.”

“You had to hit him three times?” Hope questioned.

“The first two weren’t hard enough,” Remus stated, then laughed. Hope joined him in his laughter, and they spent the rest of the evening talking about Sirius, all the good times and all the hard times. When Hope finally left the room, Remus went to sleep happy. After all the slurs, all the threats, and all the pain, he could not help but think that knowing he had his friends and his mother on his side was worth it. Maybe.

 

As he approached the Hogwarts Express, Remus had mixed feelings about returning to Hogwarts. Of course he was happy to see his friends, but loath to return to the constant mockery. As much as it had been nice to be able to talk to his mother about everything that had happened with Sirius over the last few years, the interactions with his father that he could not avoid had been awkward and painful.

Taking a deep breath, Remus stepped aboard the red steam engine, and made his way to the prefect’s compartment. On his way, he caught sight of a certain bulky Slytherin. His heart sunk as he recognized Mulciber.

“He’s back,” Lily said, appearing at his side. “After what he did, he get to come back because his dad threatened enough people on the wizengamot. People like that shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

“Yeah, but could you actually kill him?” Remus asked, looking down at his friend. “Could you actually take somebody’s life?”

“No,” Lily answered. “No, I don’t think so, not unless I had to.”

“I worry we’re going to have to soon,” Remus said. “I don’t know how else we’re going to stop them.”

 

“How’d it go with the parents?” James asked when Remus returned to the usual compartment.

“Not bad,” Remus answered. “My mum was great, but my dad’s a little worried. I think he just needs some more time?”

“What did he say?” James asked, knowing Remus probably wasn’t telling the whole truth.

“Nothing to me,” Remus answered. “I just overheard him saying things to my mum. He doesn’t think it’s normal or healthy or whatever. ” Seeing the angry looks from Sirius and James, he hastily added, “But he didn’t yell at me or throw me out of the house. So it’s alright.”

“No it’s not,” Sirius protested. “Just because it isn’t as catastrophic as my mum’s reaction doesn’t mean it it’s okay, Remus.” Remus only shrugged in response and leaned into Sirius.

“What do you think Pete?” James asked, gently nudging the fourth boy with his foot. “I know the countryside is fascinating and all, but Remus, your best friend was just telling us about coming out to his parents. Maybe you could spare some of your attention.”

“Fine,” Peter snapped, turning back to face his friends. “I’m sorry you dad isn’t over the moon about you being a fucking queer, there’s nothing worng with you, you deserve better, et cetera, et cetera. Satisfied?”

“Why would you say that?” Remus demanded. “Do you have a problem with me and Sirius?”

“No,” Peter said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I have a problem with the fact that it’s all we talk about anymore. So you get teased? I get teased every day for being fat, and I don’t see James hexing everyone left, right and center. Could you start acting like real me and just fucking get over it?”

“Apologize,” James roared, leaping to his feet.

“Whatever,” Peter said. He grabbed his trunk with some difficulty and made an exit that would have been dramatic if Sirius didn’t have to help with with his trunk… twice.

“Tosser,” James said as Peter left.

“He’s been in a funny mood,” Remus said, watching the compartment door shut behind Peter.

“Do you think he really cares about us being together?” Sirius asked anxiously.

“No,” Remus said. “I think he’s upset that James hasn’t been paying enough attention to him. Honestly, he’s acting like a child. He needs somebody to constantly be paying attention to him or he freaks out.” As invisible as he could sometimes be, Peter wanted to feel important, and Remus usually made a point of making him feel included, but with everything else going on, he just hadn’t had the time. “He’ll come round,” Remus said.

“Yeah, well he’d better have a damn good apology,” James said darkly.

“How was your break?” Remus asked, eager to change the situation. “Get anything good for Christmas?”

“Show him,” Sirius said, nudging James in the ribs. “You only showed it to me about a hundred times.

“What is it?” Remus asked, intrigued.

Beaming, James withdrew a card from his pocket and said “Victory is sweet.” Remus took the card, which had a picture of a tree on the front, and opened it to read.

_Merry Christmas,_

_Lily_

“That’s… really intimate,” Remus said, laughing.

“Shut up,” James said, and snatched the card back. “She said _Lily._ Not Evans, Lily. She’s warming up to me. I mean, it sucks that Snape outed you, but at least she hangs out with us now.”

“Yeah,” Remus said. “You learned well, making your move when she was injured. Worked with Sirius. Next time she’s in the hospital wing, go for the first kiss.”

“That wasn’t our first!” Sirius protested. “ _I_ kissed you first, at the beginning of fourth year.”

“Yeah, but you don’t even remember it, so it doesn’t count,” Remus said. At a shifty grin from Sirius, he asked, “Or do you?”

“Well I thought you’d be upset, so I acted like I was higher than I actually was,” Sirius admitted. “Worked, though.”

“You ass!” Remus exclaimed. “I was so confused.”

“Well, so was I, obviously,” Sirius pointed out. “Anyway, when you kiss Lily, don’t tell her it was only because you were high, and definitely don’t pretend you don’t remember. But if it all goes to shit, try to arrange a near-death experience in her vicinity. She wants to be a healer, so you’ll at least give her practice.”

“It’d be even better if I could set it up so she thinks Snivelly poisoned me,” James mused.

“Just don’t go sectumsempra-ing yourself,” Remus cautioned. “You don’t want the scars.”

“Scars can be sexy,” Sirius said brushing over the scars on the back of Remus’ neck while James made gagging noises. “Oh come on,” Sirius said. “We all know once you get in Evans’ pants you’ll never shut up about it. Hell, if you touch her hand you’ll be going on about it for days.”

“Touché,” James admitted. “But I will get her in the end.”

 

The first morning of term, when Lily sat down at her usual spot next to Remus at the Gryffindor table, James looked up at her and said, “Good morning Lily.”

Without looking up from her eggs, Lily responded, “Good morning James.”

 

“So,” Remus said, walking up to the castle with Lily after Herbology, “You sent James a Christmas card.”

“It’s just a card,” Lily said.

“Not to him it’s not,” Remus said. “He has it on his bedside table, and you knew he would take it that way.”

“I’m friends with you and he’s friends with you,” Lily explained. “We end up spending time together, so we may as well be friendly with one another.”

“So you don’t think he’s the spawn of Satan anymore?” Remus asked.

“No, but he’s not God’s gift to earth either,” Lily argued. “But he has shown some character over the past few months. I mean, he stood up for you all those times, and he came to help Clarissa, and I guess his heart’s in the right place.”

“Your hand is where his heart is,” Remus stated. “Lily, have you ever been in love?”

“No,” Lily answered frowning. “I mean, I’ve dated a few boys, but nothing I would call love.”

“Well I am in love,” Remus said. “And when you’re in love, Hell, even when you just have a crush, you’re terrified the other person won’t feel the same. You can’t think of anything worse than giving that part of yourself to somebody and having it rejected. Most couples fall apart because one or both of them isn’t willing to take the risk. I know James may seem like the risky things he does never make him nervous, but a person can’t be in love with a person that openly and not be scared shitless at the same time.”

“What are you suggesting exactly?” Lily asked.

“Look, I’m not saying you should go out with him if you don’t like him,” Remus said. “That would be cruel. I’m just saying it’s for real. This isn’t some joke to him: he’s in love with you.”

“I don’t know if I can deal with that,” Lily admitted. “Even if I did go out with him, how could you be with somebody who loves you when you only maybe like them? It’s stressful.” Lily shoves her hands in her pockets and exhaled steam sharply. “Damn,” she muttered, glancing up at a group of boys ahead, “Avery and Rigby. They make me nervous.”

“They won’t try anything if they don’t have us outnumbered,” Remus said. “They’re too scared of the girl and the fairy.”

As they passed Avery shouted, “Hey mudblood, sorry to say you’re boyfriend’s a poofer.”

“Still a better option than you then,” Remus replied.

“Cocksucker,” Rigby yelled at Remus’ back.

Remus responded with a rude hand gestured, then muttered to Lily, “I suppose we all do like being recognized for our special talents.” Lily giggled and cuddled in closer to Remus, who tended to be unnaturally warm for somebody so skinny. She wondered if it was because he was a werewolf. It was funny how he thought she didn’t know, when she’d figured in out even before Severus had come to her with his theories. She was trying to be a healer, for heaven’s sake.

The two friends were just passing under the doorway when they heard a loud crack. Expecting a curse from behind, Remus span around with a shield up, then felt a blinding pain on the top of his head.

“Shit,” Lily said, pulling Remus’ hand away from his scalp to inspect his wound. “They must have knocked an icicle from off the archway. At that height it could have fractured your skull. Can you walk?”

“Yes,” Remus said, screwing his eyes up in pain. She supposed he must be used to such things.

As Lily smoothed down her friend’s hair, she accidentally revealed three long, deep scars cutting across the back of his head into his neck. “My God!” she exclaimed, “These are really deep.”

“Don’t!” Remus cried, and in his haste to flatten his hair accidentally bumped his injured skull and doubled over in pain.

“Bending over for me Lupin?” Aver asked, entering the great hall.

“Fuck you,” Lily said, drawing her wand. “Go to your common room this instant. I warn you, I am very good at the bat bogey hex, and you do not want me to tell people you got hexed by a muggle-born girl.

Avery glanced at the Great Hall that was full of students taking a study hour, and decided not to press the matter. Sneering, he and Rigby withdrew and made their way to their common room, leaving Lily to guide her friend to the hospital wing.

“Honestly,” Madame Pomfrey sighed when he arrived. “I may as well get you your own room.”

 

After Arithmancy, Remus was surprised to see Peter standing outside the classroom waiting for him. “Hi,” Remus said awkwardly.

“James and Sirius are in Potions,” Peter said. “I thought somebody should walk you to class, considering.”

“Sure,” Remus said, swaying a little as he walked with Peter to the dormitory. Granted, Peter would not be much help if anybody wanted trouble, but the day of a transformation when he was still recovering from a head injury, Remus would take what he could get. “Is Wormtail coming with us tonight?” Remus asked.

“Do you want him?” Peter asked. “He isn’t necessary to get past the willow anymore. He can’t help keep the wolf get in check.”

“True,” Remus said. “But there’s nothing as funny as having a small animal running through your fur, or getting your ears nibbled by surprise when you’re sparring with a stag. Wormtail may be small, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t wanted.”

“But he’s tired of being small,” Peter said. “And not able to protect himself. Because, sometimes when Moony Padfoot and Prongs aren’t paying attention somebody else hurts him, and he can’t do anything about it.”

“What happened?” Remus asked, stopping short. “Is it why you’ve been in suck a weird mood?”

“Mulciber and Carrow were teasing me,” Peter answered, looking at his shoes. “And they levitated me and tied me to a chandelier. They wanted to see if my… if it would fall because I was too heavy. And it did. And it hurt.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Remus demanded.

“You had other things happening,” Peter murmured. “It was only a week after everything came out, and I thought I could handle it on my own, but with James focused on the two of you it’s been happening more and more and nobody notices.”

“Fucking hell Pete,” Remus groaned. “You have to tell us these things. We can’t notice every time.” When Peter looked injured, Remus sighed and said, “I’m sorry. That was the wolf, not me.” He hugged Peter, but would much rather have shouted at him. It was like he had three children, and he had quite enough to deal with on his own. Still, Peter was his friend, and he loved him, so he could keep paying attention.

 

Remus woke up on the morning of his seventeenth birthday to the sensations of Sirius’ full body weight falling on him. “Happy birthday!” James, Peter an Sirius said at the same time.

“We can do presents tonight at the party!” James said excitedly.

Remus groaned. “You know how I feel about parties,” he said.

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun,” James said. “There will be music and drinks and you can leave after and hour. And you’ll get presents.”

“Half an hour,” Remus agreed, then leaned back into his pillow.

“See you at breakfast,” James said, his voice a little too cheerful as he and Peter left the room.

“Why are you going now?” Remus asked. He wasn’t even dressed. He glanced over at the clock and said “It’s only seven thirty! Why are they gone—”

Sirius silenced him with a kiss, then explained, “They left so I can give you your birthday present.”

“Oh,” Remus said, laughing as Sirius trailed kisses down his throat, tickling Remus with his overgrown whiskers. “And what exactly is my present?”

“Whatever you want,” Sirius whispered, pulling Remus’ jumper over his head so he was half naked. “So what do you want?”

Remus sat up and seized Sirius’ chin, pulling him up to kiss him hard, clashing their lips together. Sirius grasped at his hair and matched his ferocity. Remus’ hands were grasping at his back, pulling him tighter, then simultaneously feeling him up. As his boyfriend’s hands pulled at his clothes, Sirius slipped his hands into Remus’ pants and stroked the hard member he found there. Remus pulled away, lips swollen, breathing heavily, and said, “Get on your hands and knees Black.”

 

“Where’s Remus?” Lily asked, taking her usual seat at the Gryffindor table. “And why are the two of you already finished eating? It’s a quarter past eight.”

“Sirius is giving him is birthday present,” James said, grinning. “And we though we’d give them some time alone.” He made lewd motions with a sausage and his mouth, ignoring Lily’s look of disapproval.

“You’re alarmingly good at that,” she said sardonically.

“I’m not—I’ve never…” James spluttered.

“Relax, Lily’s lying,” Remus said, taking the seat beside his red-haired friend. “I’d rather get a broken pocket watch than a blowjob that bad.”

“Pete and I have arranged a birthday present of you though,” James said. “It may not be quite as good as whatever Sirius has done for you, but we think you may find it enjoyable.”

“I helped plan it,” Sirius protested. “And brew it.”

“What have you done?” Remus demanded.

“Just keep an eye on the Slytherin table,” James suggested. “The show should start soon. There is a bit of a time-release engineered so they won’t know what’s happening until they have ingested a suitable amount.”

“You do know that as a prefect I will have to report this,” Lily said.

“Doesn’t bother Remus,” James pointed out. “Besides, birthdays are off-limits. You can’t go confiscating the drinks or weed at birthday parties. It’s just not right.”

“Look,” Peter squealed, pointing at the Slytherin table. “It’s starting.”

Remus turned around to see some sort of commotion at the Slytherin table. Mulciber was making some sort of roaring noise and was rampaging around the table, knocking people out of his way. He had grown at least a foot and sprouted fur. At the other end of the table, Bellatrix was scuttling on all fours, spider-like with a pair of new-grown pincers, while Snape made a truly bizarre noise. Most of the Slytherin student body seemed to be impersonating, or to be sporting actual physical characteristics of some animal. The whole school, teachers and students, looked on at the display in consternation. Up at the teacher’s table McGonagall sunk her forehead into her hand as Slughorn inspected one of the teapots.

The great hall quickly descended into chaos as nothing could be heard over the roars, trumpets and bleats of various animals. A first year boy sprouted the ears and trunk of an elephant and ran around the hall, madly trying to escape a young girl with mouse ears and a tail. Meanwhile, Slughorn instructed the students to wait at the table while he brewed an antidote, but the more aquatic animals dashed in the direction of the showers.

“Bet he won’t make it past the Slytherin portrait squealing like a porpoise,” James commented, laughing hysterically.

“Mandrake leaves?” Remus asked, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

James nodded eagerly. “Irreversible, but impossible to overdose on, so no harm done. Peter asked the elves for sweets and distracted them long enough for me to slip a certain blend of leaves into the morning brew. Some of them won’t come back to normal for hours.”

“Mandrake leaves!” Lily exclaimed. “How on earth did you think of that?”

“My natural brilliance of course,” James said. This was not strictly true. Having spent a month with a mandrake leaf in his mouth, James would be well-acquainted with its properties. “They aid a person in transforming into their spirit animal. The form their patronus or animagus would take. And it looks like Carrow would be some sort of… Moose?”

“Fits,” Remus said. “Moose are mean. He’s got nice antlers though.”

“Not as nice as mine,” James said defensively. Remus kicked him hard in the shins, as Lily gave him a confused look. “I mean,” James gasped, eyes watering. “Not as nice as the antlers on my patronus stag. Prongs. He’s got very nice antlers.”

“I see,” Lily said. “Well, Remus, do you like your birthday present?”

Remus nodded, a grin splitting his face. “I got to see Avery slither on his stomach and hiss like a snake,” Remus said in a tone of glee.

“Well, I suppose I can let this one slide,” Lily sighed.

Delighted, James said, “We’ll make a criminal of you yet, Evans.”

 

That night the Gryffindor common room was alive with a party only James Potter and Sirius Black could plan. There was enough butterbeer for everyone, and something a little stronger for the older students. Sirius would pass a joint to anyone old enough to be stressed over their O.W.L.s, and James was playing a mix of popular records and Remus’ favorite music. Peter had used his charm on the house elves—who had even over-looked the morning’s mandrake tea incident—to supply every type of pastry and treat the students could. Remus was always very polite to them, after all.

“Admit it—you’re enjoying yourself,” Sirius said, pulling his boyfriend onto the dance floor.

“I’m not miserable,” Remus conceded.

“And what would make you happy?” Sirius demanded. “I have used almost all of my many talents on you today.” Sirius pulled him in and rocked him in time to the music, causing Remus’ face to split into a broad smile. More than anything else, he loved Sirius loving him like this in front of other people, not caring what anybody else though, being proud to be his boyfriend, and fuck all the haters.

“I’m happy,” Remus said, resting his cheek on Sirius’ shoulder. It wasn’t a slow song, but they swayed back and forth as if it was.

“I love you so fucking much,” Sirius murmured into his boyfriend’s ear. They stayed that way for the rest of the song until James threw a crumpled up piece of paper at Sirius’ forehead and called him over. “Fucking James,” Sirius grumbled. Reluctantly, he released Remus and ran over to his other friend.

“You two are such a cute couple,” Lily said, sneaking up from behind Remus.

“You know what’s odd?” Remus said. “After all the shitty things, I think I’m glad it’s all out in the open now. It really suck being called names every time I try to get to class, but being able to just dance with him, or the fact that James knows and is okay with it—I think it’s worth it. Is that weird?”

“No,” Lily said, pulling her friend into a hug. She rested her chin on Remus’ shoulder and watched as James and Sirius levitated some empty butterbeer crates.

When Sirius stepped onto a stack of two crates, however, Remus muttered, “Fuck.”

“What?” Lily asked.

“I think he’s going to make a speech,” Remus said, mortified.

“That’s so sweet,” Lily squealed, as Remus looked sick. He really hated it when people paid attention to him.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Sirius said as James turned the music off. “Sorry to interrupt the party, but I am afraid the birthday boy hates parties, so this had to be done before he snuck up to his room, where, as his boyfriend, I would be obliged to join him.” Remus hid his face in his hands as most people in the crowd giggled, including Lily. “As you know,” Sirius continued, “we are celebrating the fact that Remus Lupin is turning seventeen today. The reason I am making this drunken speech—apart from embarrassing him—is to explain to you why this man before you is, in my opinion, one of the best people in the world.”

 _Oh God,_ Remus thought, _Sirius is truly sloshed._ “The reason I became friends with Remus,” Sirius said, “Is that in our first year some Slytherin dick-heads took Peter’s wand, so Remus’—without anybody but James noticing—tied their shoelaces together. Not only was it funny, but it also showed that Remus always helps people who need it, even people he doesn’t know. Not enough people know just how great he is, because he keeps to himself, but he is always there for his friends, whether to have our back in a duel, force us to do our homework, or tell us when we’re being arrogant tossers. Which is often.” Sirius turned to Remus for the last few words of his address and said, “Remus, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you. Thank you for everything.”

Remus was so happy he thought he could cry. Everything Sirius had said was exactly what he wanted to hear. When Sirius cut through the small crowd, and kissed him it was hard to stop smiling long enough to kiss him back. As soon as their lips met, the common room erupted in cheers and applause. Laughing, Sirius kissed Remus again, then slipped his tongue into his lover’s mouth, much to the excitement of the growing crowd. Remus kissed him for a while, then pulled away, and, with a mischievous grin, whispered, “upstairs?”

 

Shortly after Easter break, the Marauders, with the now permanent addition of Lily, were enjoying breakfast at the end of the Gryffindor table. “You could put that away for a second,” Sirius commented as Remus withdrew an Ancient Runes textbook from his bag. “You said yourself, you’re bound to pass your exams.”

“This is my only chance to have a real career,” Remus snapped, slipping pages frantically. Lily rolled her eyes. They were so obvious. They called him _Moony_ for God’s sake.

“Damn,” Lily said, opening the paper. “Another muggle family killed out in Wales. That’s the third one this week, and the Ministry’s only caught three Death Eaters.”

“And there’s been another break out from Azkaban,” James said darkly. “Without the Dementors they have no way of controlling the prisoners. It doesn’t even count as a break-out when the cells are practically unlocked.”

“Yeah, well maybe if they paid attention to the death eaters in this school they’d make some progress,” Sirius said darkly, looking over his shoulder at the small clique of rising Death Eaters at the Slytherin table—now with the recent addition of Regulus.

“Most Slytherins are frightened of them now,” Lily commented. “A lot of them are elitist, but only a handful believe in actual killings or torture. They’re just as scared as the rest of us.”

“Why don’t we talk about something more cheerful,” Remus suggested, noticing Peter’s terrified look.

“Hogsmeade visit coming up,” James said instantly. “Want to go Lily?”

“Coming Peter?” Lily asked, smiling at the third boy. “Woulndn’t want to leave your friend out, would you James? I assume the two of you will be spending the time together?” She directed the last question at Sirius and Remus, who nodded.

“I actually have a date,” Peter said awkwardly.

“Who?” James demanded. “Not Janet again I hope?”

“No,” Peter said emphatically. “Margery Tybout.”

“The fifth-year Hufflepuff?” James asked, screwing up his face in concentration. “Yeah, she’s cute I guess.”

“She’s nice too,” Remus put in, glaring at James.

“I hope you appreciate girls for more than their looks,” Lily said.

“Of course I do,” James exclaimed. “I mean, you are extremely beautiful, but aside from that, you’re…” Remus groaned and excused himself to go to the bathroom, while Sirius did his best to ignore the following speech on Lily’s finer points he had heard at least a thousand times. He never made James listen to this kind of thing about Remus.

By the time James’ tally of things he liked about Lily was over, students had started exiting the hall for classes. “I think we’d better head to Transfiguration,” Lily said, looking a little amused. “If you’re done yet.”

“Don’t give him an excuse to keep going, please,” Peter implored.

“If you’d like to go,” James said, standing up and using the excuse to offer Lily a hand.

“Remus isn’t back yet,” Sirius protested.

“I’m sure he can survive five whole minutes without you presence,” James said.

“He should be back by now,” Sirius said, looking a little concerned. “If he got into some sort of trouble…”

“Nobody’s hexed him in weeks. He’s probably just taking a really massive shit,” James said with a shrug.

“That’s disgusting,” Sirius said.

“The asshole is not only for recreational uses,” James pointed out. “It’s more of a multi-purpose situation.”

“You speak from vast personal experience I suppose?” Lily joked.

“Yes, all the rumors are true,” James agreed. “My advances towards you have actually been a cover for my devotion to Sirius and Remus. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”

“It’s a relief, honestly,” Lily said. “Now we really better had get to Transfiguration. McGonagall is scary when we’re late.”

 

Remus had just finished washing his hands when he sensed something wrong. At a sound from the hallway, he glanced up into the mirror to see the door behind him open. His stomach dropped when the unwelcome forms of Rigby, Wilkes, Carrow, Mulciber, and Avery filed in.

“Good morning,” Remus said, doing his best to feign friendliness as he drew his wand and cast a silent and invisible shield charm. “I’d best be on my way.”

“Not so fast Lupin,” Carrow said, stepping in front of the door. “we want a word with you.”

“Maybe another time,” Remus said as he walked towards the five boys. “I do have to get to class.”

“He said we want a word,” Avery said, and drew his wand, pointing it at Remus throat. “You aren’t going anywhere.”

Remus brandished his own wand, and quickly deflected the disarming curse Avery sent at him. He heard somebody lock the door while another person said _“muffliato,”_ but he was too busy blocking, dodging, and countering curses that there was nothing that he could do. As he did his best to hold the five boys back, he slowly retreated, hoping to get behind the sinks in the center of the room. If he could to that, he could hopefully throw some curses back, and even out the odds. As things stood, he was an able fighter, but not confident enough to take five probable death eaters at once. A green light jetted past his ear, just as red sparks struck his shield just in front of his chest. Remus lowered his shield and hurled a stunner in the direction of his five opponents as he dove behind the sinks.

Miraculously, he made it to safety without getting hit, and hearing a shout of “Get him!” was soon back on his guard. Relying on his hearing, he reached around the sinks and pointed in the general direction of Mulciber’s voice and sent a quick succession of stunners in that direction before he got the wand knocked out of his hand. Cursing, he sprinted after his wand, which mercifully had not gone far. As his back was turned, however, his enemies apparently made it around the sinks and he felt a great force hit him in the back at the same time that he heard Carrow’s voice shout “ _Crucio.”_

Remus had felt the Cruciatus Curse one other time in his life, but this was worse. For all his faults, Lucius Malfoy was not as purely sadistic as Amycus Carrow, and the difference was extreme. Remus couldn’t begin to understand the intense pain that captured his whole being. He felt like he was on fire, that he was being stabbed a thousand times, all his bones were breaking, and every inch of his body had been hit by a bludger.

Somebody else may have laid there on the floor once the curse lifted, taking stock of what had just happened, recovering from the pain they had just endured, but Remus was a werewolf, and pain was his bread and butter. As soon as he was released, his wand was back in his hand and trained on Carrow. “Is that the worst you’ve got?” He demanded. It looked as if one of his stunners had hit Mulciber, but Avery, Wilkes, Carrow, and Rigby were all standing. He could not take them all at once. Making up his mind in a split second, Remus pointed his wand at the ceiling and shouted, “ _expulso.”_

Carrow dove out of the way in time, but the other three boys were not lucky enough. Remus made a dash for the door, but couldn’t see Carrow through the dust, and the other boy hit him with another Cruciatus Curse. Falling to the ground, Remus’ whole body writhed in unimaginable pain. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t bear this. He would do anything to make it stop. The agony stopped for a moment, but then there were two voices, Carrow and Mulciber, and then the pain doubled, and Remus felt as if he was being torn in two.

“How do you like that you filthy, bugger?” Carrow asked, easing off for a moment.

Remus could have allowed himself to relax, do whatever he could to prolong this respite, but his wand was still in his hand, and he had always been a fighter. He only had a split second to train his wand on Mulciber and send a non-verbal stunning spell in his direction. He had always been good at stunners.

Wheen mulciber went flying for the second time, Mulciber let out a roar of anger and sent Remus’ wand flying from his hand. “ _Crucio”_ he shouted, but didn’t have the concentration to keep the curse going for long. Remus found his body wracked with pain for seconds at a time, then released. He managed to roll onto his belly and inch in the direction of his wand, constantly interrupted by blinding, senseless agony. He hurt so much, and his wand was so far away.

“You disgust me, Lupin,” Carrow said as he tortured the boy on the floor before him. “You go around here in your hand-me-down robes and your muggle filth, and you think you can fuck one of our own? You think you can corrupt a pure-blood man, drag him into your perverse world of sodomy and lechery? You need to be taught a lesson about what happens to mud-blood fairies who don’t know their place.” As Carrow spoke he hit Remus with harder and harder Cruciatus curses, but didn’t seem to notice the boy’s advances on his wand, not lying not three feet from him, almost within his arm’s reach.

 _“Crucio,”_ Carrow cried, and this one was far worse than the last. Remus falt like his eyes were being gouged out, his guts ripped from his body, his limbs torn apart, like he was being ripped apart by hungry teeth, and clawed at and speared and branded and ever pain he had every felt magnified a thousand times. He writhed on the floor, back arching in agony, unable to contain the torment in his body. When he was released, his outstretched fingers, barely brushed against the wooden surface of his wand, and he summoned his remaining energy, whatever reserves of happiness he could muster, to shoot a silver shape from the tip.

“What was that supposed to be?” Carrow demanded, running over to kick Remus’ wand away from his fingertips. Out of fury, he stamped on Remus’ hand, crushing his bones. “What will it take for you to learn your lesson?” He asked, seizing Remus’ hair and straddling the smaller boy so he was sitting on the small of his back. He lifted Remus’ head and smashed his face hard into the stone floor of the bathroom. Remus couldn’t help but cry out at the pain in his face as the bones crunched into the floor, compounding on the agony already wracking his body. “You are nothing,” Carrow hissed, bringing Remus’ head up again to crash it into the floor again. “You deserve nothing.”

Carrow continued to smash Remus’ face into the stone floor until it resembles a bloody pulp, then he muttered, “I’m going to show you what happens to dirty little buggers like you.”  Remus heard the sound of Carrow’s trousers unzipping and writhed in fear. _Not this,_ he though desperately. _Anything but this._ “I though you liked this,” Carrow whipered, pushing up Remus’ jumper to press his hard cock against Remus back. He pulled at Remus’ trousers, but the boy beneath him did whatever he could to resist. “Come on Lupin,” Carrow said. “give it to me. You give it to Black.”

As Carrow tugged at Remus’ Trousers, the werewolf braced his body against his aggressor and though, _please, please, don’t let this happen._


	10. After-Shocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and his friends recover from the attack, while Sirius comes into some unexpected money.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -TW: discussion pertaining to sexual assault  
> -death of a family member

McGonagall had just begun a lecture on the differences between an animagus and a metamorphmagus when a large silver wolf loped into the classroom. The whole class swiveled around to stare at the apparition, but James, Sirius and Peter immediately dropped their things and jumped to their things. Sirius shouted, “Remus and sprinted from the room, following the form of the wolf. A sense of dread settling over her, McGonagall said, “Ms. Evans, ensure that nobody leaves this room,” and followed the three boys down the halls.

What had happened to Remus? Sirius thought as he ran after his boyfriend’s patronus. Heart racing he skidded to a halt before the main floor boys’ bathroom. James tried the door, but it was locked. Peter tried _“alohamora,”_ and Sirius tried _“Expulso_ ” but the door did not budge.

“Out of the way,” McGonagall cried form behind them, and, with a wave of her wand, shrunk the door into insignificance and tossed it aside. When the four of them ran through the door they say Carrow straddling a very bloody Remus with his pants down, trying to pull his victim’s pants off. He looked up as four spells hit him at once: a disarming curse from Peter, a stunner from James, _incarcerus_ from McGonagall, and _Impedimenta_ from Sirius. With Carrow on the other side of the room, Peter, James and Sirius, rushed to their friend while McGonagall gathered wands from the five unconscious boys around her.

“Remus?” Sirius asked as his boyfriend moaned and rolled onto his side, revealing the mess Carrow had made of his face. He was shuddering in pain and gasping for air, but Sirius was able to pull him into a half-sitting position but his un-injured arm.

“We’ve got to get him to Madame Pomfrey,” James said, and they each gripped him by one shoulder and pulled him to his knees, careful to avoid touching the injured hand.

They had almost gotten him to his feet when McGonagall tapped Carrow’s wand with hers and muttered “ _Priori incantatum._ ” Carrow’s voice issued from his wand, crying _“Crucio…crucio… crucio._ ” With each incantation Remus made a choking noise, and clutched at Sirius’ neck with his good hand, terrified. Furious, Sirius turned to McGonagall, who looked equally horrified. “Bring him to the Hospital Wing,” She instructed. “And stay there with him until the Headmaster or I instructs you to leave him. Mr. Pettigrew, please run ahead and warn Madame Pomfrey of Mr. Lupin’s state.”

Peter ran off, while James helped lift Remus, who was still shaking, into Sirius’ arms, which seemed to calm him down somewhat. “It’s alright now,” Sirius said, though he was still shaking himself, out of fury. How had Carrow been allowed to stay at Hogwarts and do this? Hadn’t it been obvious he would do something like this?

It seemed to take forever to get to the Hospital Wing, but when they did Madame Pomfrey was waiting for them with a bed. “Oh dear,” she said, as soon as Sirius and James lowered Remus down. She quickly mended the broken bones, and washed his face off with potion to help with the bruising. “I’m brewing a tonic for the nerves,” she said, addressing James and Sirius more than Remus, who was having trouble breathing. “With the cruciatus curse, it’s mostly the heart and mind we worry about. Anything you can do to calm him down, get him to rest will be valuable. Sirius nodded and ran his fingers through Remus’ hair while James dug through his bag, searching for chocolate.

“Here,” Peter said, presenting them with a handful of chocolate frogs. Hands still shaking, Remus accepted the sweet, and even managed a bit of a smile.

“Good,” Madame Pomfrey said when she returned with a potion. “You’re safe now. Drink this.” She helped guide the goblet to Remus’ lips, and his breathing immediately slowed, and the shaking stopped. “Good,” she repeated, smiling at him. “Do you think you can lie down?” Remus made some sort of noise and gripped at Sirius’ arm. “Your friends can stay,” she clarified. Remus relaxed, and allowed Sirius to help him out of his shoes and under the blankets. Sirius had just pulled the second sock off when Remus’ whole body seized up in pain. He gripped James’ arm in a vice-like grip, and clenched his jaw tight.

“What’s happenining?” Sirius’ demanded, not sure what to do for Remus, whose whole body was contracted in pain from a wound none of them could see.

“Aftershocks,” Madame Pomfrey answered. “When the cruciatus curse has been used enough the body mimics its effects afterwards. Just stay with him. There’s no cure, he just has to wait it out.” It seemed like ages before Remus relaxed, that same look of panic on his face.

“It’s okay,” Sirius said, and kissed him on the forehead. Remus calmed down a little more into Sirius’ arms, letting his breath slow again.

“We’re not going to let anything else happen to you,” James assured his friend, taking the seat beside his bed, while Sirius settled down next to him in the narrow hospital bed.

“Are you still in pain?” Peter asked.

Remus shrugged, and shrunk up closer to Sirius, still on high alert. “Can you talk?” James asked. “What happened?”

“Don’t push him,” Sirius scolded and set to rubbing Remus’ shoulders. “Do you want to change into some pajamas? You’re clothes are covered in blood.” Sirius asked softly, gesturing to the pinstripes pajama set Madame Pomfrey had left on the bedside table. Remus nodded stiffly and let Sirius remove his shirt, shivering, though the room was not cold. Sirius paused before undoing Remus’ belt. The trousers were torn where Carrow had tried to pull them off, and Remus’ hips were bruised from the belt digging into them. He tensed against Sirius, but allowed him to slide the trousers off and quickly replace them with pajama bottoms.

Sirius had just gotten Remus to lie down when somebody else entered the hospital wing and Remus sat bolt upright again. He relaxed slightly upon recognizing Professor McGonagall. “Remus,” she said, smiling. “Are you hurt?”

“No,” she said, very quietly.

“I wanted to inform you that the five boys who are attacked you have been taken from the castle. Professor Dumbledore is arranging a muggle-safe portkey so your parents can come and see you. When you are ready, the Headmaster will need to ask you some questions about what happened.” Remus looked at his lap so his hair covered his face and nodded almost imperceptibly. He could imagine nothing worse than recounting what had just happened to him. He just wanted to forget the pain and and embarrassment, but they would not let him do that. James reached out and gave his arm a firm squeeze, and he felt just a little more protected, though he got the feeling he would not feel truly safe for quite a while.

“If you need anything from Professor Dumbledore or myself, please inform Madame Pomfrey,” McGonagall instructed. “We will be back to check on you as soon as possible. You fought bravely.”

 

For the next hour, Remus lay in Sirius’ arms, James and Peter sitting vigilantly by his side. He suffered from two more painful episodes of aftershocks, but otherwise felt better. Just when Sirius was sure his boyfriend might finally get some sleep, Remus was suddenly sitting up again, halfway out of his bed. “What is it?” Sirius asked.

“Parents,” Remus answered. He tried to stand, but fell back down, his body sapped of energy after the day’s ordeal. A few moments later, the Hospital door flew open, and Lyall Lupin strode in, closely followed by Hope.

“Remus,” he cried, rushing to his son. He gripped Remus’ shoulders, then drew him into a tight embrace. Hope hugged him as well, but when she kissed him on the cheek he cried out in pain.

“Sorry,” he said, pulling away sharply. “Still sore.” His mother burst into tears, and sobbed into Lyalls’ chest, as James, Sirius and Peter awkwardly watched on from the outside. Sniffing, Hope pulled away from her husband, and, to Sirius’ surprise, turned to the three boys and hugged them too.

“Thank you so much,” she cried. “Dumbledore said you came, and you’ve been here with him this whole time.”

“We didn’t do much,” James said sheepishly once Hope released him.

“If his patronus came to you it means he trusted you more than anybody else in this castle,” Lyall commented, his arms still around his son. He was looking particularly at Sirius when he said this with something that was notably not hatred. Remus sunk his head onto his father’s shoulder and let himself pretend his father could protect him from the world.

“Perhaps the three of you boys ought to return to class,” suggested Dumbledore, who had entered the hospital wing unnoticed behind the Lupins. “I believe young Mr. Lupin here will be quite well taken care of.”

Sirius looked ready to protest, but James elbowed him in the side, and he left with James and Peter, though they took seats outside the ward rather than follow Dumbledore’s instructions and proceed down to class. Meanwhile, Dumbledore took James’ seat, while Hope and Lyall settled onto the hospital bed on either side of their son.

“Remus,” Dumbledore said, “I must ask you to tell me everything that happened. As a member of the wizengamot I can take your formal statement, which I believe would be preferable to having somebody else doing so. As you know, the boys who attacked you had powerful fathers, and without your statement as evidence, Mr. Wilkes, Mr. Mulciber, and Mr. Avery could go free. Of course, with the evidence of Mr. Carrow’s wand, he has been taken to Azkaban.”

“What about Rigby?”  Remus demanded. Had he gone free?

“When you blasted a portion of the celing Mr. Rigby was crushed by a block of cement and killed,” Dumbledore explained. “Of course, this was done in self-defense, and nobody sees this as your fault…”

“I killed somebody?” Remus asked, his mind reeling. He had ended another person’s life? Rigby was unpleasant, but he had not tortured him, had not even explicitly encouraged Carrow. He was a bully, but Remus couldn’t honestly say he deserved to die.

“These things happen in war,” Dumbledore said, trying to draw Remus’ attention. “It is not easy, nor should it be, but it is sometimes necessary in order for us to protect ourselves. I am confident that you would not have harmed him if it were not absolutely necessary.”

“I could have used a different spell,” Remus stammered.

“He was going to torture you,” Lyall said angrily. “He deserved it.” Though he knew they were meant well, his father’s words only made Remus feel worse.

“Whether he did or not is not for us to say,” Dumbledore argued. “You did what you had to, Remus. If it changes anything, however, it seems the boys went into that bathroom with a plan, and they all intended to use the Cruciatus Curse, Rugby included.”

“But he didn’t actually do it,” Remus argued. “And now he’s dead.”

“I think at this point it is necessary for you to tell me what happened,” Dumbledore insisted. “Once we have it all in perspective, perhaps we can understand Mr. Rigby’s death more clearly. This room is sealed off from the rest of the castle, so nobody will be able to hear anything you say. We are quite private.”

“I don’t want—” Remus said, but choked on his words. He didn’t think he could bear to re-live it.

“I know it is difficult,” Dumbledore said. “But I assure you—”

“It’s like telling you’re friends about the time you were bitten, “Hope said unexpectedly. “The first time you say it, it will be so difficult you won’t know how you will get through it. When you are finished, you will feel like all the old wounds are ripped open, and like the people who know see all the things you want to hide. But you’ll also feel less trapped. The more you tell people, the more you’ll start to feel free of it. Like it’s just another things in your past, and it doesn’t control you anymore. But you have to tell the story the first time to get there. I know it’s hard, but I know you can do it.”

Remus looked up at his mother, speechless for a moment. He didn’t know what of her own experiences she could possibly be talking about, but he did know that what she was saying was true. He took a deep breath, and began: “I had just gone to the bathroom. It was after breakfast…

As Remus started to recount the events of the morning, he felt like he was far away, re-counting a novel he had read, or at least until he got to the very end. “After he smashed by face into the floor, he…” Remus trailed off for a moment, unable to say the next words. His mother gave him a comforting squeeze on the hand, and he closed his eyes and said, “He tried to rape me.”

Hope reached her hand up to rub her son’s back, while Lyall let out a cry of anger, and gripped Remus’ arm tighter. Dumbledore let out a long, slow breath then looked up at Remus again, his clear, blue eyes looking very tired. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to tell me exactly what happened. What he said, and what he did. How he touched you.”

Remus felt hot tears of shame and anger drip down his cheeks as he forced himself to recount exactly what Carrow had said, how the older boy had taken off his own clothes, then tired to force off Remus’. Whereas before he had felt far away from the events he had described, he now felt every sensation, the way his skin had crawled at Carrow’s touch.

“Thank you Remus,” Dumbledore said, when the boy had finished speaking. “Is there anything I can do for you.” When Remus shook his head, the Headmaster turned to Hope and Lyall. “While Remus’ health is quite stable, I understand if the two of you would like to stay the night. I am sure we can arrange accommodations in Hogsmeade—” when Hope gave Dumbledore a look that spoke of murder, he amended his statement, “Or we can find a room in the castle.”

“That would be lovely,” Hope said. “Thank you Headmaster.”

“Thank-you,” Lyall agreed.

“Well, I shall let you get some rest,” he said to Remus. As soon as the Headmaster left, Madame Pomfrey returned to fuss over her patient and force him back into bed.

“You need sleep!” she declared. “I can mix you a sleeping draft.”

“No, please,” Remus protested, unwilling to lose control over his consciousness. Despite his parents’ presence, he still did not feel secure. “I’ll lie down. Please don’t make me take a sleeping draft.”

“You’ll have to go to sleep eventually,” Hope pointed out. “Your father and I will be here the whole time.”

Remus bit his lip, then looked up at Madame Pomfrey. At last, he decided. “Only a few hours.”

“Of course dear,” she said, then headed back to her office. Looking back, she considered the young man who seemed to spend half his time in one of her beds. Some people seemed to have the worst of luck.

 

“I really did mean it when I said you ought to return to class,” Dumbledore said upon exiting the Hospital wing and finding the three boys still seated there. “As I remember Lyall Lupin was an able duelist, and Madame Pomfrey certainly can hold her own as well.” Dumbledore smiled, and with that a dam broke within Sirius, and a wave of rage flooded over him. How could Dumbledore stand there and smile at him when Remus had almost died.

“How could you let this happen?” Sirius shouted. “You’re supposed to keep your students safe, and you let death eaters walk around this place and use unforgivable curses, because they have daddies in the wizengamot. They could have killed him! They tortured him! They almost—They could have seriously hurt him. And you let them stay after all the things they’ve done.”

“I understand your anger Sirius,” Dumbledore said. “I wish this had never happened, and I do not deny that I am at fault for much of it. I cannot express the remorse I feel for what Mr. Lupin has gone through today, and I guarantee that none of those boys will ever set foot within Hogwarts again. I have no excuses for my failure to protect my student.”

“Do you think you can just let him get tortured because he’s gay?” Sirius demanded. “Do you think that makes him less of a person? That he deserves all of it?”

“I assure you that was not the case,” Dumbledore said, not visibly angry.

“Calm down, mate,” James said, tugging at Sirius’ arm. “Let’s just calm down.”

“You told me he would be fine,” Sirius cried, turning on James. “I wanted to see if he was fine, but you just wanted to get to class, but guess what, he wasn’t fine. We should have been there. I should have been there. If I’d been there, none of this would have happened.”

“Sirius,” Dumbledore said sharply. “None of this is your fault.”

“I—that’s not,” Sirius said, but all the fight had gone out of him.

“I believe the the two of you, Mr. Potter and Mr. Black have Potions, while you, Mr. Pettigrew have a free period. Please return to your classes. I assure you it will be easier than sitting here thinking about what has happened.”

Sulking, Sirius followed James to the dungeons, but they did not make it to the Potions classroom before Lily confronted them in the hall. “What happened she demanded. She was holding the Marauder’s map in one hand, which she had no doubt taken from the bag Sirius had left in transfiguration. “I saw his in the bathroom with Rigby, Wilkes, Mulcber, Avery and Carrow, but they took Remus to the Hospital Wing and the other boys are gone. Is he okay?”

“He’s okay,” James assured he. “We don’t know exactly what happened. He must have stunned the other four. By the time we got there it was only Carrow, but he had—he used the Cruciatus Curse, Lily.”

“Oh my God,” Lily gasped. “How is Remus?”

“He’s shaken up, obviously,” James said. “But his parents are here, and he’s calmed down.

“I can’t believe that happened _here,_ ” Lily said. “Hogwarts is supposed to be safe.”

“Nothings safe anymore,” Sirius said.

 

After class, Sirius hurried back up to the dormitory to gather a few essentials for Remus, then returned to the hospital wing. When he entered, Remus was sitting up in bed, sipping on a mug of hot cocoa, talking to his parents. Sirius stopped awkwardly at the doorway when all three Lupins stopped talking and looked over at him.

“Er, hi,” he said. “I brought you some books,” he said. “And a jumper. It gets cold in here sometimes.”

“That was sweet of you,” Hope said, smiling at Sirius. “here, come join us.” She gestured to the empty seat next to her, and it took Sirius a moment to understand what she was saying. He handed Remus the jumper and left the books on the bedside table, then nervously took the seat.

“How are you feeling?” he asked Remus, who pulled on the sweater more for the gesture than the warmth.

“Better,” Remus said, though he still looked unbelievably fragile, even more so than after a full moon. Sirius wanted to crawl into bed next him, but was very aware of Lyall and Hope sitting there. “I—” whatever Remus had meant to say was cut off by a cry of pain as he threw his head back and his body clenched up in pain again.

Forgetting Lyall and Hope, Sirius leaped onto the hospital bed, and reached one hand up to grip Remus’ hair to steady his head. He found Remus’ hand with his own, and soon Remus was gripping his wrist hard, crying out in pain. “Remus!” Sirius cried. “Remus you’re going to be okay. It’s just one of those after-shocks Madame Pomfrey mentioned. It’s going to pass.” Sirius gently stroked Remus’ neck as the other boy lowered his head enough to make eye contact. He stayed there, gripping Sirius’ wrist and panting through his pain for some time until all the muscles in his body seemed to release at once. Exhausted, Remus collapsed back onto his pillows.

“That’s been happening all day,” Hope said. “Almost every twenty minutes.”

“Here you go dear,” Madame Pomfrey said as she emerged from the hospital wing. She offered Remus a goblet of potion and said, “I wish I could give you more, but too much could be dangerous. We’ll just have to wait these out.”

“Not… so… bad…” Remus choked out, forcing a very weak smile. His brow was still dripping with sweat, and he was so pale. Frowning. Sirius reached out and wiped Remus’ forehead, then, once again self-conscious of the way Lyall was looking at him, returned to his seat. “You should have seen the other guys,” Remus said, finally making Sirius laugh. It seemed ridiculous, after everything that had happened, to laugh about it all, but laugh he did, and it felt like a great weight was lifted from his shoulders as he did.

 

Lily, James and Peter visited Remus in the hospital wing, but were forced out before dinner, and banished from the Hospital Wing until the following day by a very harassed looking Madame Pomfrey who insisted Remus needed sleep. Before Remus took his potion, however, Lyall excused himself to check on his business, leaving Remus alone with his mother. It was just the two of the alone in the Hospital Wing, and it was dark out, only the light of the half-moon shining in through the window.

“Mum?” He said tentatively. “Before, when you talked about telling Dumbledore what happened to me, you sounded like—like something similar had happened to you did—”

“Yes,” Hope answered. “I’m sure you remember the story of how your father and I met. I saw a man in the woods, but it was really a boggart.” Remus nodded, so she continued. “Well, it was a specific man. When I was fifteen, I agreed to a date with this boy at school. He was older, so my parents didn’t approve, and I snuck out to meet him. I was young, and I didn’t know how foolish that was. At the time, I just felt special that he was older and handsome and thought that I was pretty. But once we were alone things went wrong, and he raped me.”

“Mum…” Remus said, wanting to cry at the thought of somebody hurting his own mother that way.

“It was a long time ago, and I’ve come to terms with it,” Hope assured her son. “But when it first happened and I told my mother, she told me it was my fault because I had agreed to meet him. Remus, no matter what happens or almost happens to you, I never want you to feel that anything is your fault. Some people are bullies, and sometimes they get to you when you’re vulnerable and hurt you. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak or that there’s something wrong with you. There’s something wrong with them. It doesn’t say anything about who you are.”

“I’m so sorry,” Remus said. “Nobody should ever have done that to you, your mother… I can’t believe she said that.” It did make sense, though, why he had half lived with his grandfather, but barely ever visited his grandmother, and when he did, his mother had looked like she was forcing herself to do something extremely unpleasant.

“That’s sweet of you,” she said, reaching out to stroke her son’s hair. “It took me a long time to trust anyone else, because I though they would react like she did. But my sister knew something was wrong, and eventually I told her, and it was much better. I told a few friends in university, and they were all really supportive. You’re father offered to track him down and kill him, of course, but by that point it had been ten years.”

“So he knows?” Remus asked.

“He’s my husband,” Hope answered. “I wouldn’t want to be married to somebody I couldn’t trust. You know your father doesn’t think any less of you for what happened today, right?”

“I guess,” Remus said. He couldn’t help but remember hearing his father’s words from a few months ago. _It’s not natural. It’s disgusting._ It wasn’t so different from how the five boys that attacked him felt about it. Could his father feel he deserved it? Needed to get the queer beat out of him? Raped out of him?

“Remus?” Hope asked. “What’s bothering you?”

“Dad doesn’t like that I’m with Sirius,” he stated. “Over break, I overheard him tell you he thought it’s gross, what I do with Sirius. That I’m disgusting, and that’s exactly what they said about me too, so…”

“Remus,” Hope said, taking both of her son’s hands. “Your father loves you, and he would never, ever want to see you hurt, no matter what. It might take him a while to adjust to you being with Sirius, but he’ll get used to it, and soon it won’t make any difference at all. He should never have said what he did, but when you grow up being taught certain things, it’s hard to change your mind. But he will. I’ll make him.”

Remus nodded, feeling somewhat relieved. It had been similar with Sirius after all. He had said what they were doing was wrong, but now he could kiss Remus in the Gryffindor common room because he was Sirius Black and he didn’t give a fuck what anybody thought about him.

“You’d best take your potion now,” Hope suggested. “I’ll stay awake to make sure nothing happens to you.” Exhausted, Remus drank the goblet Madame Pomfrey had left on his bedside table, and settled into a deep, dreamless sleep.

 

“Evans,” James called from across the common room. Instead of groaning internally as she usually did when she saw the massy black hair and glasses of James Potter, Lily hurried over to him.

“Have you heard anything from Remus?” She demanded.

“No,” James said. “We checked the map, and there was a teacher with him at some point all night, so we didn’t sneak over. It’s just, why don’t you walk to breakfast with us?”

He did not ask it in the same way that he usually did when he was asking her out, and she looked at him suspiciously. “Why?” she asked.

“Look,” he said, lowering his voice a little. “After what happened to Remus, I don’t think you should be alone. You know what people say about muggle-borns, and now that we know what some people in the school are actually willing to do… I just don’t think it’s safe for you to go places on your own anymore, and you’re my friend, so I want to look out for you. It’s not just you. I’m not letting Pete or Sirius out of my sight ever again, or Remus once he gets out of the hospital wing.”

Lily surveyed him with an odd look for a few moments before shrugging and saying, “Alright then. Safety in numbers, I suppose.” Sirius and Peter were waiting outside the portrait hole, and the four of them made their way down to breakfast. Sirius couldn’t sit still, and was constantly fiddling with his napkin, or cutting his food into unnecessarily small pieces.

“Did you sleep okay?” Lily asked, looking sympathetically at the black-haired boy. “You looked worried.”

“What?” Sirius asked, looking up from his plate. “Yeah, I’m worried. I mean, I didn’t sleep, not much. Maybe an hour or two. I just wish I could have been with him, you know.When I can see him, and see that he’s safe, it’s not so bad, but when I’m not wit him…”

“It’s okay,” Lily said. “He won’t have to spend much more time in there. Once he stops having those fits of pain, I can’t imagine Madame Pomfrey keeping him. Mentally, he seems shaken, but well enough, considering.”

“Yeah, well, Remus can take a lot,” James said.

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Sirius snapped, dropping his fork.

“That’s not what I meant,” James said quickly. “I’m sorry, I just meant, he bounces back well. Of course, if he’s not okay, that’s fine too, if he’s upset or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with that…” Lily couldn’t really understand what James was babbling about, but she was distracted when she looked up to see Bellatrix Black approaching from behind James and Sirius.

“Code Black,” Peter hissed, and Sirius immediately spun around to face his cousin.

“What the fuck do you want?” He demanded.

“Lovely to see you as well, cousin,” Bellatrix said, giving him a sickly sweet smile. “I just wanted to check on poor Remus’ health.” At these words, most everyone in the vicinity turned their attention to Bellatrix. Nobody in the school knew exactly what had happened, only that five boys had left the school, one of them possibly dead, and Remus was in the hospital wing. “I hope his mind hasn’t been damaged. The cruciatus curse has been known to drive people mad.”

“One more word and I will blast your brains across this room,” Sirius threatened, now on his feet with his wand pressed against Bellatrix’s throat.

Heedless of Sirius’ threat, she laughed and purred, “Oh, I do hope Amycus got a chance to try _everything_ he wanted. I know how much he was looking forward to forcing that little bitch to—” Before Bellatrix could finish her sentence, Sirius had hit her hard in the jaw, and sent her falling to the floor. He had never hit a girl before: that was one thing he had always thought he would never do, but when she looked up at him, still smirking, he didn’t regret it anymore. “I’ll take that as a yes,” she hissed.

Sirius watched her stand up and make her way back to the Slytherin table, but before she could make it, he called out to her, “How’s your friend Rigby?”

Bellatrix froze, then slowly turned to face Sirius, who was staring right at her. “Fuck you,” she said, her voice cold and quiet.

“Oh, but haven’t you heard?” Sirius said, stepping closer to her. “I only do that with boys.” Boiling over with rage, Sirius stormed off in the direction of the hospital wing. It was selfish, he knew, to make Remus deal with him like this when really he was the one who was supposed to be comforting Remus, but he just needed to see him, assure himself that all was still well.

“Sirius?” Remus asked, when his boyfriend strode into the room, looking very upset. “What’s going on?”

“Where are your parents?” Sirius demanded looking around. “Did they leave you _alone_?”

“My dad’s in Madame Pomfrey’s office,” Remus explained patiently. “They’re trying to figure out if I can take a higher dose of potion because I’m a werewolf. My mum stayed up late with me, so she’s catching up on sleep. Now tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m fine,” Sirius said forcefully, pacing around the room. “I didn’t want to bother you. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, and see how you are. I’ll just go now.”

“Don’t leave,” Remus commanded. “I’m fine. I’m only having those after-shocks every hour or so, and they aren’t as bad anymore. Now you’ll wear holes in your shoes pacing around like that. Sit down and talk to me. You’ve already bothered me, and if you don’t tell me I’ll spend all day worrying about it.”

Sirius groaned and sat down on the side of Remus’ bed. Remus reached out to tuck as stray lock of hair behind Sirius’ ear, then settled down to listen. “Bellatrix,” Sirius said finally. “She was just talking about what happened, and it just makes me so angry that they could do this to you. That they hurt you, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I should have been there.”

“It’s not your job to follow me everywhere,” Remus said.

“Yes it is,” Sirius argued. “I’m your boyfriend. I’m supposed to protect you. I need to keep you safe Remus, because I love you, and without you, I’m completely lost.”

“Sirius,” Remus said. “These are dark times. People are getting hurt everywhere, and we can’t guarantee anybody’s safety. We can try our hardest, but sometimes people hurt us and there’s nothing we can do about it. It feels horrible, but you can’t go blaming yourself for it.”

“I just feel so powerless,” Sirius admitted. “I wasn’t there when you needed me.”

“I’m just glad you came when you did,” Remus said, looking down at his hands.

“Remus,” Sirius said, his voice full of pain at the thing that had almost happened to the person he had loved. He wanted to express how much he loved the young man sitting in front of him, how unfair and wrong it was that anybody had tried to hurt him, and how sorry he felt for all of it, but he didn’t have the words.

“Sirius, if it had happened…”

“Don’t say that,” Sirius said forcefully.

“No, listen,” Remus insisted. “If it had happened, would you still want to be with me? Would you think I was gross?”

Sirius looked at his boyfriend in shock. “Why would you think that?” He asked. “Do you really think I’m that kind of person? That I’d blame you for what some evil, disgusting speck of a person did to you? Why would you think that?”

“Because that’s how I feel?” Remus admitted, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. “I feel so dirty because of it, and he didn’t even get very far. But I still feel him on my back, rubbing against me, and it makes me sick.” Remus was shaking again slightly, and Sirius held him against his chest to steady him.

“That’s because he’s sick,” Sirius said. “He’s the one who’s disgusting, not you. Don’t let him make you think it’s you. It’s like what you said to me earlier this year: don’t let him win. We can get you through this, one day at a time. Okay?”

“Okay,” Remus agreed, and rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder, just breathing him in. Sirius reached one hand up to stroke Remus’ cheek, and held him close with the other.

“I’ll love you no matter what,” He whispered. “And I’m never leaving you alone.” Remus looked up to smile at him, cheeks still glistening with tear-tracks. Though Remus normally looked rather masculine, Sirius couldn’t help but think of his as rather pretty after he cried. Or maybe beautiful. “I’m never leaving you alone again, you know?” He said. “You had better resign yourself to the fact that your days of taking a leak in private are over now.”

“But people will think we’re up to something indecent,” Remus quipped.

“We could always give them some thing to talk about,” Sirius suggested, and they both laughed. After all the pain of the day before, it was good to see Remus happy again, smiling. “Can—can I kiss you?” Sirius asked, uncertain of himself. He needed the closeness to assure himself that they would get through everything loving one another.

“Of course you can,” Remus whispered, then leaned in to press his lips against Sirius’. When their lips met, Sirius felt a wash of relief. Remus was there, in his arms, kissing him, slowly, softly, lovingly. He was wonderfully alive and whole. Remus had just parted his lips slightly to invite Sirius’ tongue in when the two boys were interrupted by somebody clearing their throat.

“Mum?” Remus asked, blushing slightly as he released his boyfriend and turned to his mother.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she said, looking somewhat amused. “But your father is almost finished talking to Madame Pomfrey.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, and quickly hopped off Remus’ bed. Lyall Lupin was not an intimidating man, but Sirius did not want to cause any more drama than necessary between Remus and his father. He was defensive over Remus, and hated the idea of somebody close to him making him feel ashamed of himself, but he also never wanted his boyfriend to have the feeling of being cut off from his own family.

Glancing down at his wristwatch, Remus exclaimed, “Sirius, You need to be in Charms right now! You’re already late.”

“Yeah, well, I needed to—”

“Out,” Remus commanded. Grumbling, Sirius picked up his stuff and headed for the door. Before he left, Remus called after him, “I love you.”

Sirius grinned and turned around to say, “Love you too Moons.”

 

Remus had only made it ten feet out of the Hospital Wing when he changed his mind for the tenth time. He stopped short, but didn’t say anything. He could just try to slip into class, hope nobody took notice of him, sit in the back. Or he could just stay in the hospital wing indefinitely, never face his classmates, just sit alone in that bed with his memories. Right. He had to go. Reaching out to take Sirius’ hand, he continued on his way to the Great Hall. After two days of various pain killers and calming potions he had returned more or less to normal, at least physically. He still felt wobbly, like a strong gust of wind could knock him over. At the same time, he felt oddly hardened. Knowing what he had endured, he had a new-found awareness of his limits and abilities. Being a werewolf had given him an unusual amount of resistance to pain, and as a result, torture. According to Dumbledore, most people in his position would have been begging for it to stop, but he had not, and had recovered faster than Madame Pomfrey had expected.

From what his friends had been able to gather, the school had learned that Remus had been attacked and tortured by the three boys, and succeeded in killing one. Variations of the story circulated, some on the more ridiculous side, other less so, but whether rape made it into these stories, his friends either didn’t know or chose not to tell him. According to James, however, the overall result was that the student body saw Remus as pretty “badass” and weren’t likely to cross him again. Rather than comfort him, as James clearly thought it should, it made Remus feel even more uncomfortable.

Regardless, when Remus walked through the doors into the Great Hall that morning, he did his best to look as if he did not care about any of the rumors, or the fact that the hall had gone dead silent, or that every eye was trained on him. “Are you okay?” Lily asked when he sat down.

“I don’t know,” he answered, looking around him. Everybody looked away as soon as his gaze landed on them, and it made him feel unbelievably sad. “They’re afraid of me,” he stated. He had never felt so empty.

 

Sirius was sitting in the library being forced to study under a mix of threats and promise of sexual favors, courtesy of Remus. When it came to exams, his boyfriend had an “ends justify the means” sort of philosophy that frustrated Sirius to no end.

“Stop that!” Remus said, snatching Sirius quill away from him.

“What?” Sirius demanded.

“Chewing,” Remus said, showing him the teeth marks on the end of the quill. “I’m never lending you my things again. You destroy the quills you don’t lose. Honestly, if you weren’t so fucking gorgeous…”

“I can’t help that I’m a dog,” Sirius complained. He rested his chin on Remus’ shoulder, making his best puppy dog eyes, then playfully nipped at Remus’ earlobe. “Maybe if you gave me something else to chew on,” he suggested. “Or suck on, then I could get it out of my system. The animal instincts are very strong just now.” His hand had travelled across Rmus’ thigh and had worked its way upwards until it met something hard and…wooden?

“Ow!” Sirius cried as he felt Remus’ stinging hex. “What was that for?”

“I told you: potions essay first, then we can go up to the room,” Remus explained. “And if you’re good, and finish your transfiguration essay after dinner, then I’ll sneak you down to the prefect’s bathroom. But I’ll be reading it to make sure you haven’t written it about how motorcycles are cool.” Sirius had been begging to go to the prefect’s bathroom for ages, though Remus suspected this desire had more to do wit bubbles than sex. His boyfriend really was an overgrown child.

“Quidditch practice used to be fun,” Sirius grumbled.

“I could rescind my offer,” Remus pointed out. “And you could spend the whole free period watching me study Ancient Runes with a rock-hard—good evening Professor.”

Sirius turned around sharply to see Professor McGonagall appear from between the stacks of books. “ Good Evening Mr. Lupin. Mister Black, if you would come to my study, please,” she said, nodding curtly at Remus.

Sirius looked over at Remus who shrugged and said, “Lily’s a few rows over with Margery Tybout. I’ll go and hang out with them. I won’t get killed I promise.”

“Alright then,” Sirius agreed, and followed McGonagall to her office, mentally ticking off all the rules he had recently broken. There was of course the drinking and smoking, and sneaking about, but nothing out of the usual. He had left a dung bomb outside the Slytherin portrait hole, told a first-year there was a troll in the dungeon, told a third-year boy Moaning Myrtle got her name for a very different reason, laced Bellatrix’s pumpkin juice with cayenne and sent Snapes chewing gum up his nostril, but other than that, he couldn’t think of why he was in McGonagall’s office.

“You aren’t in trouble this time,” McGonagall said when he took the seat opposite her. “Though I’m sure there are plenty of things I could be punishing you for. That aside, I do have bad news t deliver.” Sirius stomach clenched. Was somebody hurt. Who could it be? The only people he cared about outside of Hogwarts were the Potters, and if they were hurt, James would be here. His cousin Andromeda? Her daughter, what was it, Nymphadora? “I’m sorry to inform you that your Uncle Alphard died in an accident a few days ago,” McGonagall said.

It took Sirius a moment to understand what she was saying. It was so unexpected. His family was so far from his mind, that he had never imagined it would be a Black that would have been hurt. “Oh,” he said at last. He had always been fond of his Uncle, who had one of the least sinister forms of the Black madness and was actually quite interesting, but he wasn’t exactly sad. Shouldn’t he be sad? “How did he die?” He asked at last. He couldn’t be more than forty. Should he know how old his uncle was? Did people know the ages of their uncles?

“I’m sure you know your uncle was quite the adventurer, and from what I gather he was travelling in the Caribbean when he encountered some local magical communities and under-estimated their potency. It seems he insulted a witch-doctor of sorts and had some sort of curse placed on him. A friend of his tried to brew him an antidote, but that only worsened things, and he died in St. Mungo’s on Tuesday. It… it took some time to identify him I’m afraid.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, unable to comprehend what McGonagall had just told him. The story was just so ridiculous. Witch doctors in Fiji… he couldn’t help but laugh. It wasn’t the laughter after a good joke, but the laughter that came over him when events around him were too confusing and ridiculous for him to process. His uncle Alphard, cursed by some voodoo hex? It was like a bad muggle thriller. He shouldn’t be laughing, he really shouldn’t. McGonagall must think he was crazy, but he was a Black after all, wasn’t he?

“Sirius!” McGonagall barked. Sirius’ head snapped up to see McGonagall pressing a strong cup of tea into his hands. How long had he been laughing? “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” He said, resisting the urge to point out that she had appropriately served him his tea black.

“Your uncle listed you as his sole beneficiary on his will,” McGonagall said, handing Sirius a slip of paper. “I think you will find he has left you a good sum of money. It has been transferred to your vault in Gringotts, and the amounts are enclosed in that letter. Though Alphard Black had a great deal of wealth, he travelled with only one bag, and his only possessions are here.” McGonagall gestured to a heavy-duty knapsack at the foot of her desk, which looked well worn and smelled quite a bit.

The though that all a person had left behind was one smelly knapsack revolted Sirius, so he shook his head and said, “Destroy it.”

“Alright,” McGonagall said.

“Is there anything else?” Sirius asked, wanting to get far away from the knapsack and the thought of his dead Uncle as possible.

“No,” McGonagall said. “All there is left to do is for you to decide what to do with your money.”

“Right,” Sirius said. He rose to his feet, unsure of that himself. He would get his own place, of course: he had been in Francine and John’s way long enough, and it would be nice to be independent. And he would be getting a motorcycle. Motorcycles were cool, and no matter what he said, Remus secretly felt the same way.

 

“So what I’m saying,” Sirius said, loudly, “Is that we should havve the Aurors grab a time turner, flip it a few times, get somewhere before the death eaters, then bam-bam, they’re dead or imprisoned before they kill anyone. Like whenever they do anything, why don’t we just go back and stop it from happening.”

“We’ve been through this before,” Remus groaned, putting his head in his hands. “That isn’t how time turners work. If you go back on the premise that something bad has happened, then in the revised timeline, that event hasn’t happened, so you don’t know you have to go back to prevent in the first place, so you don’t prevent it. It creates a paradox, see?”

“No,” Sirius stated, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Because after I wipe the death eaters out, I’ll just pop over to alternate timeline Sirius and be like, hey, in an hour, go back to this place and kill these guys. It all works.”

“But if you’ve changed the past there was no precipitating event to ever let you know to stop the death eaters at any time,” Remus argued, getting visibly heated.

“Guys, this is giving me a migraine,” James complained. “Can’t we just agree that Remus is right because he literally always is?”

“Look if it were that easy, then people would have been doing it for ages,” Lily pointed out. “When it comes down to it, time-turners weren’t as world-changing as people think they would be. They really only help if you just need a little more time to accomplish something you already know to do. But muggles are obsessed with time travel. Just watch an episode of _Doctor Who_.”

“Best show ever,” Remus cut in.

“I know, right?” Lily agreed. “If the wizarding community could just learn to appreciate some muggle things—”

“Like motorbikes,” Sirius said.

“No,” Remus said, but was cut off by the arrival of owls. James, Peter, Lily and Remus received the usual letters from home, but Remus also got an unusual, official looking letter with a ministry seal. He pulled the seal open and quickly scanned the letter, his face falling into a frown as he read. “Fuck,” he shouted, throwing the letter down.

“What is it?” Sirius asked as James picked up the letter.

“They want me to testify,” Remus said, gesturing at the letter. “At the trial for Carrow.” The other three boys had already been released, though they had not been allowed to return to Hogwarts.

“It can’t be that bad,” James said cajolingly. “It’s pretty obvious with _Priori incantatum._ ”

“The only reason to call me in as a witness is to humiliate me,” Remus said. “Because There might be enough people on the wizengamot who think I deserve it either because I’m a half-blood or because I’m going out with a boy. And if they find out…” Remus trailed off, glancing over at Lily, but the other three boys immediately understood what he meant. So did Lily, but she tried to pretend she didn’t.

“They wouldn’t hold that against you, would they?” James demanded, but Sirius and Peter knew very well that they would.

“Dumbledore will stick up for you though,” Peter said. “That counts for a lot.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, looking doubtful “It’s something.” What he didn’t say was that if anybody found out that he was a werewolf Carrow could very easily go free.

 

Once again, the night before the end of term coincided with the full moon, and Lily was determined not to let another month go by without telling her friend she knew his secret. She felt she had given him plenty of opportunities to tell her, proven herself perfectly capable of keeping his secrets, and shown him she would not judge him for anything, but he had refused to share his condition regardless. Boys could be so thick sometimes. As soon as class got over, Lily marched up to Gryffindor tower, through the common room, up the boys’ staircase and into the last room.

What she saw when she got there was admittedly rather cute. Remus was asleep, his body draped over Sirius, who was sitting up in bed. Remus raised his head slightly from Sirius’ chest when Lily entered the room, but Sirius just stroked his hair and murmured, “it’s only Lily. Go back to sleep.”

“What is it?” Remus asked, sitting up.

Sirius glared at Lily for the high crime of disturbing Remus’ precious sleep, but she shrugged unapologetically and said, “We need to talk.”

Remus, who was already rather peaky, paled further and glanced nervously at Sirius. “Oh don’t worry,” Lily said. “I know you’re a werewolf.”

“You—you know,” Remus said, looking at her in disbelief. “How do you know?”

“I want to be a healer, you idiot,” she scolded. “You get sick every month, you have deep scars that were clearly inflicted by dark magic, your patronus is a wolf, your friends call you Moony… the list goes on. Do you deny it?”

“No,” Remus said weakly. “Do you still want to be my friend?”

“Of course I do!” Lily exclaimed. “You’re my favorite half-blood gay werewolf friend. What would I do without you?” Remus chuckled a little, a some of the color returned to his face.

“A little selfish of his isn’t it?” James said, appearing in the doorway. “Couldn’t limit himself to one magical creature. Had to be a fairy _and_ a werewolf. Some people have no sense f subtlety.”

“Weren’t you just in detention for writing ‘fuck the system’ on your exams?” Remus asked as James flopped down on Sirius’ bed. “Not exactly subtle.”

“Well, I’m ‘some people,’” James explained.

“What I want to know,” Lily interrupted. “Is what the two of you and Peter have been doing on full moons? I know you’ve been doing something to help, but I can’t think what.” The three boys exchanged wary looks, before Remus nodded slowly, making the unspoken decision that Lily was to be trusted.

“We’re animagi,” James stated.

“Come again?” Lily asked. Impatient as always, Sirius quickly transformed into Padfoot, and demonstrated his dog abilities by licking Remus’ face. Laughing, Remus only rubbed his ears. “You’re serious?” Lily asked.

“Seriously Black,” Sirius answered returning to human form.

“And you?” Lily asked, turning to James.

“Meet Prongs,” Remus said as James morphed into a great stag. Looking on at the animal, Lily couldn’t help but think that he looked rather… majestic.

“And how does this help?” she asked, turning back to Remus.

“Well, it was my idea,” James said quickly.

“No,” Sirius argued. “It was _my_ idea.”

“It was a joint effort,” Remus decided, settling the years’ old argument.

“Anyways,” James continued. “Werewolves don’t attack other animals—just humans—and animals even have a calming effect over the wolf, so when we’re in animal form, we can keep Remus more in control of himself, and he doesn’t go ripping himself into shreds.”

“That’s—that’s mad,” Lily said. “But also brilliant. And really sweet.”

“You think so?” James asked.

“Yes,” She said. “You boys really do take care of each other.”

“Even Peter,” Remus said. “He’s a rat. He helps us get into small places, and he comes in handy surprisingly often.”

“Where is he?” James asked, looking around as if expecting Peter to pop out of a trunk and shout ‘surprise.’

“Date,” Sirius answered smirking. “Taking Margery to the fourth floor corridor behind the mirror. Might get to second base back there.”

“He took her there!” James exclaimed in outrage. “That’s our spot. That’s our smoking sofa! It’s not the hanky-panky couch.”

“”Er,” Remus said, exchanging a nervous glance with Sirius “Hate to break it to you mate, but…”

“No,” James said, a look of horror coming over his face. “Don’t tell me…”

“That’s sort of where we did it for the first time,” Sirius said it, thoroughly enjoying the mix or revulsion and disgust on James’ face. Lily seemed to be enjoying James’ discomfort just as much as Remus and Sirius were.

“I feel so betrayed right now,” he said, feigning hurt.

“Well, if it was you, I’m sure you would have done the same,” Remus said consolingly.

James grinned and looked up at Lilly, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Absolutely not!” she cried.

“Well, maybe just a date then,” he suggested. “Come on Evans, just one date. Could be fun.”

She gave a heavy sighed, but smiled and said, “I’ll think about it. Maybe next year.”

 


	11. The Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus testifies at Carrow's trial; James reveals his new status on the Hogwarts Express

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -TW for horrible, traumatic legal system experiences

Pacing nervously around his room, Remus pulled the crumpled note out of his pocket and read it for the thousandth time that week. _Picking you up Friday at 11. Time to come see my new place and meet my new ride –Pads._

Luckily for Remus, his father did not want his help brewing the latest batch of burn cream after he had burned all those toad’s eyes last time, so he got off easily. He also suspected his mother had something to do with that as well. After what had happened that Spring, though, Lyall had become vehemently defensively of his son, going so far as to shout to a neighbor “if you’ve got a problem with my son, you can go to Ottery St. Catchpole and take your erectile dysfunction to the half-baked apothecary who can’t tell the difference between a spleen and a liver.”

“Remus,” Hope called from the sitting room. “I believe Sirius is here.” Grinning from ear to ear, Remus hurried to the front door. Sirius was standing in the doorway, looking quite handsome in his leather jacket, his hair longer than usual and swept back as if blown by the wind. Remus ran up to hug him, then kissed his quickly, conscious of his mother standing not far away.

“Well?” he said, peering over Sirius’ shoulder to get a look at the motorbike. “Let’s see it then.”

“That’s all I get?” Sirius demanded. “No ‘Hello, nice to see you’?”

“It’s only ben two weeks,” Remus protested. “You’ve been talking about getting a motorbike since we were thirteen, so I figured it would be the first thing you’d have said to me, which it _would_ have ben if it hadn’t been the first thing I’d asked about.”

“Fair point,” Sirius said. He stepped aside, back out the door, revealing a large, powerful looking motorcycle. “Meet Lyra.”

“Hm,” Remus said, studying the vehicle.

“What?” Sirius demanded. “You don’t like her?”

“She’s a very masculine motorcycle, isn’t she?” Remus said. “Lyra’s such a sleek name. I’m just not sure I picture this bike as a Lyra.”

“You’re serious?” Sirius asked, laughing at his boyfriend.

“Of course I am,” Remus said. “I like my motorcycles how I like my men.”

“Seriously Black?” Sirius asked.

“Not my best,” Remus admitted, shrugging, “but I had to take it.”

“Shall we?” Sirius asked, gesturing to the bike. Remus shrugged and got on the back of the bike, without asking if Sirius even knew how to drive the thing. That was one of the things Sirius liked about Remus. While he could be cautious at times, Remus certainly knew when to just have fun.

“Remus! Sirius!” Hope called from the doorway. “That motorbike isn’t moving an inch until both of you are wearing helmets.”

“Of course Mrs. Luin, how silly of me,” Sirius responded. He quickly conjured up two helmets, handing Remus a lurid yellow one with lime green writing “MOMMY’S FAVORITE WEREWOLF.”

“Very funny,” Remus said before he tapped the helmet and it became plain and black just like Sirius’.

“Granted, these aren’t like to help us when we really get up there,” Sirius pointed out as he kick-started the engine.

“What do you mean by that?” Remus asked. He was all for risk-taking, but he did have to admit that helmets were generally a good idea at high speeds.

“Didn’t I mention that this motorbike flies?” Sirius asked. Remus could clearly imagine the roguish grin on his boyfriend’s face.

“You may have forgotten to mention that small detail,” Remus said, laughing.

“Well, it flies,” Sirius said. “Hold tight.”

Remus did just that, and laughed as the motorbike launched forward, carrying them into the air. “I think you may have just given my mum a heart attack,” he called to Sirius, but his voice was likely drowned out in the rush of the wind.

It took Sirius three hours to fly from Remus’ house to his flat in London, which was only a five-minute walk from the Ministry. He landed on the roof and parked the bike by the stairwell. “How did you find the ride?” He asked, taking Remus’ hand and pulling him from the bike.

“Much better than floo,” Remus agreed.

“And now that your mother is gone, I can do this,” Sirius said as he pulled Remus in for a kiss. Remus had certainly been waiting for this part long enough, and he flipped Sirius around, pinned him against the bike, and kissed him harder than the dark-haired had boy expected. “Somebody’s excited,” excited,” Sirius murmured.

“I’ve been bored,” Remus purred, running his fingers through Sirius’ hair. “And I’ve missed you.” He returned to the kiss, drinking in the taste of Sirius. This was where he fit: his arms around Sirius waist, his lips on Sirius’. At home he had felt like he was drifting, floating away from his anchor. Here, he knew where he belonged.

“Remus,” Sirius said, evidently amused, by his boyfriend’s eagerness. “Would you like a tour of my flat, or would you rather bend me over my motorbike?” Remus gave the bike a wistful glance, as if seriously considering that option then followed Sirius down the stairs.

Sirius’ flat was on one of the top floors, and when he whispered the password and tapped his wand on the lock, the door opened to reveal a sleek, modern looking flat with an amazing view of London. “You can really see the Thames from your flat?” Remus asked in disbelief. One wall of the flat was a sliding glass door, which led out to a balcony and spitting distance from the ministry of magic. Remus supposed Sirius really was serious about a job as an Auror.

Turning away from the window, Remus surveyed the rest of the flat. Sirius had placed a large, leather sofa in front of the glass doors, and two chairs on either side of it, no doubt to accommodate the dour Marauders. There was a fireplace, though it looked too modern for a normal fire, as if it could only be used for floo. The kitchen was all stainless steel and had the kind of counters real estate brokers would call “workspaces” which Remus thought was a little wasted on Sirius. There were some bar stools at the counter, but no dining room table. “It’s quite the bachelor pad,” Remus commented. “Do you take all the boys back here?”

“I take the rest to Grimmauld Place,” Sirius joked, “Scares them off quick enough.” He kissed Remus again, then asked “Do you like it though?” From the way he asked, Remus could tell he was nervous, but couldn’t quite tell why he would be.

“Of course,” Remus said. “It’s very nice. It’s your place, though. It really only matters if you like it.”

“Well, I was thinking,” Sirius said, shifting uncomfortably. “After school, you could come stay here with me, if you wanted to.” When Remus didn’t respond immediately he carried on, “I mean, I understand if you want to stay with your folks, but if you want to work in London, the floo would be cheaper, and you’d be closer to James and Pete probably, and I know you couldn’t do rent on your own, and I’ve got more than enough for the both of us now, and we already live together at school and I like living with you and—”

Remus cut him off by planting a kiss on his lips. “Is that a yes?” Sirius asked.

“Show me the bedroom first,” Remus said. “I want to have sex on a real double bed where we don’t have to worry about falling of one side.”

“I think you’ll like the bed then,” Sirius said. He pushed Remus up against the counter and hooked his hands under Remus’ thighs, lifting him off the floor. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ neck and allowed himself to be carried into the next room and deposited onto a large, king-sized bid with soft, white blankets and a dark wooden headboard. He had little time to ponder the décor, however, because Sirius was very soon on top of him, engaging his full attention. Soon their limbs were wrapped around each other, clothes were pooled at the side of the bed. Sirius planted a kiss at the base of Remus’ neck, just above his collarbone, causing a sigh to escape his lover’s neck. Smiling, he brought his mouth lower, fully enjoying the look of bliss he was producing on his boyfriend’s face.

“I fucking love you Sirius,” Remus said.

“I love you too,” Sirius said as he lowered his mouth over Remus’ hard cock. Remus let out a deep throaty groan of relief at the heat and pleasure of Sirius’ mouth. He needed this. He had missed this so much. He tangled his fingers through Sirius’ shaggy Black hair and guided his lover’s head up and down as the feeling of ecstasy rose in him. Sirius’ hands moved on his thighs, rubbing up and down, then his fingers were playing at his entrance. Remus reached down to take one of Sirius hands, took the fingers in his mouth and coated them in saliva. When Sirius removed his mouth from Remus’ cock, Remus gave a small whimper, but rolled over all the same, and found Sirius hand back where he needed it, the other working two fingers into him.

“Fuck me,” Remus growled, though Sirius didn’t really need the instruction. He leaned down to kiss the base of Remus’ back, gently bite the cleft of his ass, lick his entrance and coat it in saliva. He had lube in the bedside cabinet not five feet away, but that felt very far, and he wanted Remus very much just then, and Remus could take it. Placing a steadying hand on Remus’ shoulder, Sirius slowly pushed into his lover, groaning on euphoria in that tightness and heat as he pushed through the thick layer of muscles. Remus angled himself until soon Sirius was hitting his prostate with every thrust and soon both boys were sweating and calling out in pleasure.

When they were done, they lay tangled in the sheets, sticky with sweat and semen, tired but satisfied, and sharing a cigarette. “Do you like the bedroom?” Sirius asked, passing over the cigarette.

Remus just nodded, a little sleepily and took a drag. He glanced out the window at the outline of the ministry building, and Sirius barely caught the flicker of worry cross his face. “I wish you didn’t have to wait so long for the trial,” Sirius said, playing absent-mindedly with Remus’ hair.

“The justice department has a lot of cases,” Remus said. “They’ll get to Carrow at the end of the summer, and then I’ll testify. I just hope we can get it done in one day.”

“Why would it take longer?” Sirius asked.

“Sometimes they rip people apart,” Remus answered. “These things get ugly. Especially since it involves me being gay and what he tried to do to me. And because of what I am. They can basically try to say I deserve it and I was asking for it.”

Remus’ body tensed of as he spoke, so Sirius took the cigarette, out it out on the ashtray and held Reus close to him. “I love you,” He murmured as he took a deep breath of Remus’ hair. Maybe it was the dog in him, or Remus rubbing off on him, but he really did like the smell of people. “You didn’t deserve any on it,” Sirius said. “And if Carrow gets acquitted I’ll kill him myself.”

Remus laughed weakly. “You or my dad or James,” he said. “Either way, if the trial needs to go a couple days, it’s going to be tough. My dad’s coming with me. I wanted my mum to come with, but it’s a long drive from London, and it’s too expensive to stay anywhere here. Her sister has a place, but it’s too crowded. My dad and I can just floo over to the Ministry, but she can’t, obviously.”

“You and your family could just stay here,” Sirius suggested.

“What?” Remus asked, snapping his head up. “It’s too small.”

“No it’s not,” Sirius said. “Your parents could take the bed, and you could take the couch and I could set of a camp bed or sleep on the floor or whatever. It’s free, and you could drive in the night before.”

“Sirius…” Remus said. He felt like he was invading somewhere he was not wanted, though he was clearly invited.

“I want you to live here,” Sirius continued. “I want this to be your place too, so your family would obviously be welcome, and I want your parents to like me. I want them to know that I’m serious about you.”

“I—I don’t know what to say,” Remus stammered.

“Thank you is always a good start,” Sirius suggested.

“Thank you,” Remus said, then followed up with a kiss. “I’ll talk to my parents about moving in here. I like the idea of it, but it’s a pretty big step.”

“I get it,” Sirius said. “Francine and John were kind of upset to see me go,” he admitted. “But I promised to have tea with them every Sunday and come over for a ‘proper meal’ at least one a week when I’m not working.”

“Do you have work tonight?” Remus asked. “I could head over with you and get a drink before taking floo back home.”

“About that,” Sirius said awkwardly. “I sort of lost that job.”

“Why?” Remus asked, pushing himself back up to a seated position. Sirius shrank back, looking embarrassed and ashamed, causing Remus to soften and reach out the stroke his cheek. “What happened?” he asked.

“Most people know about me, and about us,” Sirius explained, “And some wizards and witches refused to eat or drink anything I served them. At first they wanted to keep me on, and they said they didn’t care, but after a while, they were losing business, and they gave me a decent amount of gold to make up for it, but they let me go.”

“Damn it,” Remus cursed. He snuggled in closer to Sirius and pulled his boyfriend’s forehead closer to his chest. “Well, we aren’t going to get drinks there again. Are you going to get another job?”

“I mean, I don’t need to, not with Alphard’s money” Sirius said, “But I like it, and I like making drinks and serving. I like talking to people, and going to work and having something to do. And Auror training is only part time for the first few years and it doesn’t pay. I don’t need the money, but I don’t like the idea of living off family money either. I just don’t know where they’d hire me. Aberforth doesn’t need help, and Rosmerta would have the same problem.”

“You know there are bars for people more like us,” Remus suggested. “They might be hiring.”

“You mean a gay bar?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah,” Remus said. “I think there’s one on Diagon Alley, sort of near Nocturn Alley. Put in an application, as long as you don’t let anybody pick you up, that is,” he said. “Because if you ever cheat on me, I’ll be able to smell him on you right away. And there will be hell to pay.”

“I’m sure there would be. But I think with you to come back to I would be able to control myself. You certainly keep me busy. Maybe I should write my mother a letter and tell her if I get a job,” Sirius mused.

“I think that would be murder, love,” Remus said with a laugh. He leaned in an kissed Sirius again, pushing the other boys into the bed, fully enjoying the space of the double bed.

“I’m hungry,” Remus said at last. After a quick quip involving blowjobs and being full, Sirius threw the blankets off and turned to the clothes he had dropped on the floor. After pulling on a pair of tight shorts, he took on the struggle of the skinny jeans. As much as he might be able to pull off the effortlessly cool thing during once dressed, it was difficult to do it while getting the pants on. He yanked the denim up to his thighs, then hopped around, trying to get in.

“You sure you didn’t go shopping in the kids section by accident?” Remus teased, rolling around playfully in the bed. The way the sheet had tangled around him, just barely covering his middle made Sirius want to forget about the pants, rip the blankets away and go for round two, but now the pants were a matter of principle.

“They’re cool,” he explained. “Just because you choose to dress like everybody’s grandfather in loose button downs and cardigans with elbow patches, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to. I mean, you’re sexy as hell, and it wouldn’t kill you to show it every now and again. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good. Besides, you know you like the eye candy.”

“I do,” Remus agreed. Sirius tossed him a crumpled pile of clothes, but he paused before putting them on. “Does it bother you? How I dress. Would you rather I dressed up more or something?” He wasn’t sure exactly what else he would wear. He would feel ridiculous in anything that came out of Sirius’ closet, and James practically lived in quidditch jerseys, but he supposed if something would make Sirius happier he could try it.

“Whoa, Remus,” Sirius said, sitting back down. “I don’t care what you wear. It’s sort of cute how dorky you are. I like you best the way you like yourself best.”

Remus looked back up at Sirius with a hesitant smile. “Sorry,” he said. “Sometimes I just feel like, I don’t know, you’re gorgeous and you’ve got a fancy apartment and you’re going to have a great job and everybody like you, and I’m, well I’m—”

“You, Remus Lupin are the love of my life,” Sirius interrupted. “Baggy cardigans, lycanthropy, suspenders and all.” He leaned in to kiss Remus on the forehead and then said, “Now if you want food you’d better get dressed. I’m pretty sure the only thing I have is cereal, but I don’t think I’ve got any milk.”

“You’re hopeless,” Remus said.

“Well there you go,” Sirius said. “I need you Remus.”

 

“Explain this to me again,” Lyall said, pacing around the sitting room.

“Wolves are territorial,” Remus said. “They prefer to transform in the same place every month. It calms them down. It’s probably why my transformations have been better during the year and worse during the summers because I’ve been in a different place.”

“But you’ve been home,” Hope said. “So shouldn’t you have been calmer?” Hope asked. Remus felt awful about this part, telling his parents that try as they might, they could no longer give him the help he needed.

“This is home for Remus, but not the wolf,” Peter said, saving everyone with a moment of brilliance. “Plus, the shack is bigger, and more secluded. I mean, the two of you are just upstairs when he transforms in the cellar, so it’s got to drive the wolf mad, but the shack is a good mile from the castle, and another two from Hogsmeade, so there aren’t many people around.”

“The point is that Remus hasn’t gotten hurt at all this year,” Sirius said, getting a little frustrated that Lyall and Hope weren’t jumping at the opportunity to make the night a little easier for their son. “And last summer was pretty bad, but only the night he was here.”

“I don’t think that’s exactly fair to say he got hurt just because he was here,” Lyall said defensively, bristling at Sirius’ approach.

“Look, why don’t we just try it?” Remus pleaded. He didn’t want another transformation without his friends. “Dumbledore has agreed to let me use the shack, and James and Sirius will camp outside the willow, just in case anything goes wrong. Mr. and Mrs. Potter have agreed.”

“Maybe it’s worth a shot,” Hope admitted, turning to her husband. “If it makes it any easier on Remus, we have to try.” Seeing that he had lost, Lyall gave a grunt of defeat, muttered something about dirigible plums, and left out the backdoor. With Lyall gone, Hope smiled and turned to the four boys in the sitting room. “Tea?” she asked.

“Yes please,” James said, as Peter nodded vigorously.

“Sirius, I’m sure Remus told you the Ministry set the date for the hearing,” Hope said once she was busy boiling water and nobody would see her expression.

“Yes,” Sirius said. “I won’t have to go into work for three days, just in case, and I’ll work on the security measures so Remus can let himself in and out.” He glanced over at Remus, wondering how far he had gotten in talking to his parents about moving in after graduation. Figuring it was best not to mention it, he said, “Is there anywhere in London you’d like to eat. I can make reservations. Normally I’d do the Leaky Cauldron, but I’m sure Remus has told you about that.”

“Oh that’s sweet of you dear,” Hope said, with a smile. “There’s no need for anything that nice. It’s so kind of you to let us stay to begin with. I’m so glad to be able to be there with Remus. Biscuits?”

“Yes please,” Peter said happily.

“Remus mentioned you went to a concert,” Hope said. “How was that?”

“It was great,” James said enthusiastically. “Pete couldn’t make it, but you should have been there, Moony. If it wasn’t so close to the full moon I think you would’ve loved it.”

“What was the band?” Hope asked.

“Er,” Sirius said, looking at Remus. “They’re called the Sex Pistols.”

Hope choked a little bit on her biscuit, causing Remus and James to laugh, while Sirius anxiously got her a glass of water. “They’re a very progressive band,” Remus explained, grinning. “Sirius is a little into the whole punk scene, you know.”

“I see,” Hope said, glancing at Sirius tight jeans with chains decorating the pockets. “Well young people always do have their trends. In my day I always got told off for my skirts being too short. My mother told me it was un-Christian of me, but then I did go on to marry a wizard. I suppose I’m in no position to tell you off for being rebellious.”

“Did Sirius tell you about the police chase?” Peter asked, causing Sirius to groan, and Remus to turn sharply towards his boyfriend and James.

“What police chase?” He demanded.

“It was awesome,” James said eagerly, while Sirius looked guiltily at Hope, as if watching any chance of her liking him dissolve before him. “We were going back to crash at his place after the concert, and I was driving, and going pretty fast because there wasn’t anybody else on the road,” James said, launching into his story,” As it turns out, apparently there are these signs, and you can’t go faster than the numbers on the signs, even when the roads are totally empty. Anyways, there were these cars behind us, and they had these lights on and they were making noises, and Sirius was like, ‘I think we’re being arrested. In the muggle movies, that’s how people get arrested.’ So, we figured it was all a mix-up so we’d just get into an alley and fly off and they could catch whoever they were really after.

“So we start going faster, and they’re chasing us, but I’m a fucking chaser, so I’m not about to let these blokes catch us, but I go into this alley, and we’re cornered, but it’s no big deal, because we can just apparate out and come back for the bike, or carry it along, or something, so we aren’t worried. But then, three death eaters show up on the other side of the alley, and probably not very bright ones, because they don’t even try to hex us, they just fly right at us, so we just levitate the cop cars, and they flew right into it. Anyways, we flew over to the Ministry, let them know about the Death Eaters and the cops, and they got the guys rounded up and the memories wiped, but it was a pretty wicked night all in all.”

“You didn’t know about speed limits?” Remus asked, looking back and forth between James and Sirius.

“Sorry,” Sirius said weakly.

“That’s fucking hilarious,” Remus exclaimed, laughing, which Hope joined in on. Realizing he was not in trouble, Sirius joined in, and then helped himself to another biscuit. When he looked up, Remus yawned and had leaned back sleepily into his armchair.

“Want help getting to bed?” Sirius offered. “You can probably get a couple more hours sleep in before we have to floo over to Hogsmeade.”

“That’d be brilliant,” Remus said. Despite the fact that he could stand and walk on his own, he let Sirius help him to his feet and support him as he made his way into his bed. Ever since their fourth year, Sirius had taken to tucking him into bed like a child, and Remus rather enjoyed the ritual. When Sirius flopped down into the narrow space between Remus and the wall, he felt comforted by the routine of the full moon almost enough to forget the pain he was in. “I told my parents I’m going to live with you after I graduate,” Remus said, finding Sirius’ hand. “My dad’s just upset that I’m leaving. It’s not that he doesn’t like you or anything. He always took care of me, after everything that happened, and now he can’t anymore. Now it’s you and James and Peter. If I get hurt he can help heal me, but for the most part I don’t need him, and he’s glad but it’s also hard for him. Between that and me moving away, he feels like he’s losing me.”

“It shouldn’t be about him,” Sirius said. “It should be about what you need. You’re the one who has to turn into a wolf. The people who care about you just need to do whatever will make it better for you.”

“And what if I told you that you couldn’t help anymore?” Remus asked. “What if you stopped being able to transform and Peter started turning into a bear or something, and it was him taking care of me, and you just had to spend the night hoping I was okay? You wouldn’t be upset at all?”

“I would be,” Sirius admitted. “I just don’t really understand it, why your parents are so protective over you. I mean, I get it because it’s you, and you’re the kind of person that makes people want to take care of, but I don’t understand the _parent_ thing. Because if it was me, well, it wouldn’t be a conversation because my parents probably would have killed me to begin with.”

“I understand,” Remus said sadly. Sirius would never understand unconditional love, not unless he ever became a parent, which, with a stab of guilt, Remus thought was incredibly unlikely. “Just stay with me now, okay?”

“I always do.”

 

When the knock came on the door, Sirius stood up, wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs, then half-jogged, half ran over the door and opened it to let Lyall, Hope and Remus Lupin into his flat.

“Oh, this is so nice, Sirius,” Hope exclaimed, looking around. Remus gave Sirius a quick peck on the cheek, then settled awkwardly onto the chair. He wasn’t exactly here for a pleasant visit.

“Drink?” Sirius asked, turning to his guests. “Remus said you ate before you drove out, but if you’re hungry, I’m sure I could find something.”

“Maybe just sleep,” Remus suggested. “It’s late, and I have an early appointment.”

“Of course,” Sirius said.

“Have you changed the sheets yet?” Remus asked, turning to his boyfriend.

“Er… sheets?” Sirius asked, a look of confusion on his face.

“I suppose you didn’t change out towels either,” Remus said, shaking his head. “I’ll help you.” He lead Sirius into the bedroom and poked around the closet until he found a spare set of sheets, certain Francine Potter would have prepared Sirius at least that well. “Now that you don’t have an elf you’ll have to start doing these things yourself,” Remus commented. With a flick of his wand, he pulled the bedding from the mattress and sorted the sheets from the duvets.

“I can clean dishes now at least,” Sirius pointed out. “And I learned some other cleaning tricks at work. Mostly for spilled drink and the occasional vomit, but now I can clean the bathroom well enough.”

“You like the job?” Remus asked.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” Sirius said eagerly. “I mean, some of the guys are pretty out there. Blue eyeliner and sequins and stuff like that, but I don’t know, they can wear whatever the Hell they want, and maybe they don’t get laid, but they can _be_ there, and it’s okay. I like that.”

“Well, maybe I’ll visit one night,” Remus said.

“You’ll stick out like a sore thumb,” Sirius said with a barking laugh. “I mean, we get guys in assless chaps, but nobody looking quite so dowdy.”

“My mum says this shirt brings out the green in my eyes,” Remus said, shaking his light green sleeve at Sirius. “I like to be comfortable, that’s all.”

“I like that about you,” Sirius said, with a smirk. Now how do I get these damn things on?” He gestured at the set of steel colored sheets in his arms, obviously baffled by the difference between a top sheet and a fitted sheet.

“I’ll show you this time,” Remus said. “But I’m taking them off when I leave, and you’ll have to figure out how to get the clean ones back on.”

After a final round of tea, Hope and Lyall went to bed on the clean sheets, and Remus, fresh from a shower and smelling of Sirius’ soap climbed under blankets Sirius had set up on the sofa. “Extender charm?” Remus asked, noticing at the extra width of the sofa.

“Didn’t want you rolling off all night,” Sirius said. “And I know you don’t like being the one pressed against a wall.” This was true. Whenever Remus had woken pressed on one side by a wall on one side, by a body on the other, he had freaked out slightly, pushing Sirius off his four-poster in his haste to make an exit. Sirius leaned in the kiss Remus, then worked his hands over the base of his boyfriend’s neck. “You’re tense,” he stated, digging into the knots he found there. He knew that talking about the worries swirling around his boyfriend’s brain would only make them worse, and what he really needed was a distraction, so he focused on massaging and kissing Remus at the same time. Under Sirius’ ministrations Remus groaned in a mix of pleasure and pain and opened his mouth to meet Sirius tongue. “I could help you relax,” Sirius suggested, his voice low and husky, as he kissed the side or Remus’ mouth and trailed kisses down his neck, gently sucking, nibbling, licking.

“My parents are right in the other room,” Remus pointed out, though he was painfully hard against Sirius’ thigh.

“I’ll only touch you,” Sirius breathed, slipping his hand down Remus’ pants. It had been a while since he had just done this, and it reminded him of being fifteen and having no clue what he was doing but wanting nothing more than to make Remus his every thought, every feeling. Remus at least had the presence of mind to point his wand at the bedroom door and mutter a silencing charm before Sirius really got going, and then he just leaned his head back and let Sirius do his magic. Sirius moved to straddle the boy beneath him and he couldn’t look at Remus’ swollen red lips without kissing him. He was hungry for him, needed him in a way that only Remus could satisfy. He didn’t need Remus to touch him at all: he just needed to know that he was there in his arms, his dark honey hair tangled in Sirius’ fingers, his scarred but strong arms wrapped around his back, pulling him closer. Remus needed to pretend, for that night, that he and Sirius were all that mattered, and when he woke it would be to a kinder world.

 

“Name?”

“Remus John Lupin.” He shifted awkwardly in the uncomfortable wooden seat, with hundreds of eyes staring down upon him. He wished his father had been allowed to stay with him. He knew Dumbledore, but Dumbledore was not here as his professor—today he was here as chief warlock as the wizengamot, and Remus couldn’t count on him as fully.

“You have been called in today as a witness in the trial against Mr. Amycus Carro,” Dumbledore stated. “You understand that you are under no legal obligation to answer any question, is that correct?”

“Yes,” Remus said, wondering if he should just turn around and leave. They had the wands, shouldn’t that be enough? Did they really need him? He didn’t want to talk to all these people.

“But if you lie in front of the court, that is a crime, punishable by fines, or time in Azkaban,” Dumbledore continued. “Perjury is a serious offense.”

“Yes, sir,” Remus said, his voice a little clearer. That was what his father had said. “ _No matter what they say, always answer with ‘sir,’ or’ma’am.’ No matter what.”_ “I understand.”

“Good,” Dumbledore said. “You gave me a formal statement the day of the incident. Members of the wizengamot have called this evidence into question based on the notion that you may likely have been traumatized by the event and may have misremembered or blocked out certain events. We would now like you to give a formal statement, now that you have had some time to think things over.”

Dumbledore said the words as if they tasted unpleasant in his mouth, but Remus shrugged and went ahead with his story. He had practiced it, standing in front of his bathroom mirror, staring into his reflection until he wasn’t seeing himself anymore, until his voice was flat and toneless and he didn’t hear or understand the words he was saying. Not even the ending. He could tell the story down to the minutest detail, every word, every spell, every motion, without letting a second of it play across his minds eye, without allowing himself to go into that place. Still, he could not ignore the witches and wizards surrounding him, the blonde woman in her magenta robes and quill flying back and forth on parchment, the eyes boring into him, and somewhere, behind one of the locked doors, Amycus Carrow.

At the thought of Carrow, a wave of uncontrollable agony seized Remus’ body, and he gripped the arm of the chair, hard.

“Are you quite well, Mr. Lupin?” Dumbeldore asked, looking down at him, a familiar look of concern on his face.

“Yes,” Remus stammered, feeling confused and betrayed by his body’s reaction. Why couldn’t he just move on? It had been months, and he was perfectly safe, here in the Ministry, where Carrow was no doubt under the supervision of Dementors. He was being stupid, and the wizengamot would think he was a foolish child.

“Is there anything else you would like the court to know?” Dumbledore asked.

“No,” Remus said, shaking his head.

“Then I open the floor to any further questions,” Dumbledore said. Nobody in the court said anything, and Remus allowed himself to think that they looked at him with some degree of sympathy. After some time, however, A short, toad-faced woman, who appeared to be in her youngthirties stood up and made an odd sort of hiccuoughing cough to announce her intention to speak. Giving what Remus interpreted as a warning look, Dumbledore said, “Ah, Madame Umbridge.”

The woman walked down from the back of the court on pink kitten heels and approached Remus with a simpering smile on her face. “Mr. Lupin,” She said sweetly, “Why do you think Mr. Carrow ould have wanted to hurt you?”

“I—I think my blood status had to do with it,” Remus stammered. He wasn’t sure if he shoud say “ _because I’m queer”_ but it was pretty obvious from the story anyways. “And my relationship with Sirius,” he added. “He didn’t like that.”

“And is he correct?” She asked, pursing her lips in an almost concerned expression.

“Is what correct?” Remus asked.

“That you are involved in a sexual relationship with another boy, one _Sirius Black_?” She asked.

“I don’t see how that’s relevant—ma’am,” Remus said.

“Refuses to answer,” Unmbridge muttered, scribbling on a notepad. “I see. And you claim it was Avery who cast the first spell, do you?”

“Yes,” Remus said. “He tried to disarm me. After that, I don’t really know the order of anything.”

“That’s very convenient, Mr. Lupin. I’m sure you know that priori incantatum can give us no idea of when spells were cast and can we can neither confirm nor deny who cast the first spell.”

“Ma’am, there were five of them, and one of me,” Remus pointed out, “It would have been exceedingly foolish of me to provoke them or attack first. I could barely hold them off.”

“Speaks out of turn,” Umbridge noted, repeating her infuriating habit of speaking things aloud before writing them down. “Next, you claim he used the cruciatus curse on you.”

“This has been corroborated by Minerva McGonagall by use of _Priori Incantatum,_ ” Dumbledore said.

“I know,” Umbridge said. “But after Mr. Lupin here blasted the ceiling, killing one of young Mr. Carrow’s friends. In life threatening situations…”

“And unforgivable curse may be used as a last resort,” Dumbledore said, “But this was unnecessary and it was not in the least bit defensive. We have proved that these boys locked Mr. Lupin into a room and silenced the walls so he could not call for help. These are the actions of aggressors, not victims. Mr. Carrow used an unforgivable curse, for which the penalty is life in Azkaban.”

Instead of admitting defeat, Umbridge turned back to Remus with a smile and a look of triumph that unsettled him more than anything else. When he caught her eye he knew in that instant that she knew what he was and she was going to tell every body. She placed a piece of parchment before Remus and said, “Mr. Lupin, if you would be so kind, please read this before the court.”

Barely able to speak, his throat was so dry, he picked up the parchment and read aloud, “the unforgivable curses are: the imperious curse, the cruciatus curse, and _avada kadavra,_ the killing curse _._ The use of any of these three curses on another human being is punishable by a life sentence in Azkaban.”

Remus’ fingers trembled slightly as he put the parchment down, but other than that he let no indication show that he knew she had finished him. “Tell me, Mr. Lupin,” she said, “Are you a human being?”

Looks of confusion crossed the faces of every witch and wizard assembled, except for Dumbledore and Remus. Remus swallowed a lump of fear and forced himself to say, “No ma’am, I’m not.” He closed his eyes as the room broke out into gasps as muttering. Shouldn’t he be used to muttering by now?

“What are you?” Umbridge demanded.

Unsure of what to do, Remus glanced up at Dumbledore, who only gave him a sad nod, which Remus could only take as an indication to go on. “I’m a werewolf,” he admitted. He couldn’t bear to look up and see the reaction on the faces of the assembly. He couldn’t watch as nearly one hundred people suddenly went from slightly disliking him at mostly to hating him.

“These laws were made to protect _wizards_ ,” Umbridge said,” now addressing the wizengamot, not Remus. “Not werewolves. I propose we clear the accused the accused of all charges. This boy is a dangerous creature, who should never have been allowed around children. We all know what werewolves are, what they are capable of. We can’t treat him the way we would treat a human boy.”

“But I’m human, twenty eight days out of every twenty nine,” Remus protested, anger bubbling up out of him, despite himself. “I know that you think I am some perversion because of what happens to me on a full moon, and if I could change it, I would do everything I could, and I do what I can to keep people around me safe. I feel just like the rest of you do. I hurt, just like you do, and I can be afraid, just like you , and I have friends who I love, and it isn’t okay to hurt me, because I feel it just as much as anybody else would. My bones break, and I bleed, and I bruise just like anybody else, and I still can’t go places alone because I’m afraid. I may be a monster once a month, but I’m a human too, and that has to count for something, please.”

At some point during his impromptu speech he had risen to his feet, and so he awkwardly sunk back into his chair and looked back up at Umbridge, who said “Mr. Lupin, if you are quite done, I do have some more questions for you, regarding your allegations of sexual assault.”

“I—what do you want to know?” Remus asked, at this point thoroughly flustered and losing control of himself.

“You claim that Mr. Carrow’s adavances were unwanted,” Umbridge asked.

“Yes,” Remus said emphatically.

“Did you make this clear?” Umbridge asked. “Did you clearly state that you were not interested?”

“I wasn’t exactly in a position to speak,” Remus answered, perhaps a little too flippantly. “I had already gotten about seven of my teeth knocked out. But I’d say physically resistance is a clear enough statement.”

“But you don’t mind being dominated do you?” Umbridge asked.

“Excuse me?” Remus asked.

“You classmate MR. Snape gave an interesting statement,” she said, pulling out a paper. “He witnessed a sexual encounter between you and Mr. Black. Mr. Black had bent you over a desk and was buggering you. It’s not difficult to see why Mr. Carrow might find your behavior misleading.”

Remus didn’t know how to respond. She was seriously saying that because he chose to have sex with one person he deserved to be raped by another. He looked up, trying to read the faces of the witches and wizards around him, but remembered that he was a werewolf, and that he meant nothing to them. “I didn’t deserve what happened to me,” he said finally. “And Carrow is dangerous If you let him out, you are releasing a death eater and giving him an opportunity to hurt more people. I’m not the only person he’s tried to hurt, and you know it. If you don’t think I’m a real person I don’t think I can convince you, but he deserves to go to Azkaban for what he did.” When he was finished speaking, Remus glanced up at Dumbledore for direction, and received the smallest of smiles.

“Perhaps you should wait outside,” Dumbledore suggested kindly. Remus nodded and walked out of the room, feeling dizzy as he did so. He wanted to run far away from the room, run and hide and never some back, but instead, he just found his parents waiting outside the door.

“How did it go?” Hope asked.

“They know,” Remus said, sinking into a bench. He lowered his head into his hands and said, “They want to clear him of all charges, because it’s not a crime to use unforgivable curses on werewolves.”

“They won’t do that, will they?” Hope asked.

“He won’t get a life sentence,” Lyall said. “But I doubt he’ll walk out today. And there’s still other charges. There’s the physical assault.”

It took hours for the court to “deliberate,” time during which Remus sat with his head in his hands, picturing Umbridge in her pink heels, telling the court the dangers of werewolves, maybe the dangers of queers too. Was Dumbledore defending him? Would anybody else? Did they all think he deserved what he had gotten? Did they wish Carrow had gone further and just finished him off? It seemed like ages, and it was in fact late afternoon when the door opened again and a short blading man told Remus to come in and take a seat.

When Remus entered the room again his heart jolted to a stop. Sitting in the front row, on the other side of the room, in dirty, striped robes was Amycus Carrow. Remus was seized by fear, until the boy looked up, and his eyes were dead and empty. Cautiously, Remus took a seat,on a bench rather than the witness chair and watched as Dumbledore stood. “The wizengamot has made a decision,” he announced. “In light of unusual circumstances, I, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot sentence Amycus Carrow to two years in Azkaban.”

 

When Sirius heard the news he blasted apart several pieces several pieces his furniture, but got his head and apartment together well enough to comfort Remus. The Lupins left early the next morning and the summer passed with frequent floo trips between James, Sirius, Remus and Peter’s homes. September first came in the usual chaos of students milling around King’s Cross Station and Sirius elbowing first-years out of his way to get to his favorite compartment. “What are you doing here?” he demanded when Remus too the seat beside him. “Don’t you have prefect stuff?”

“I’m not a prefect anymore,” Remus said. “The Ministry made Dumbledore revoke my prefect privileges.”

“Why?” Sirius demanded.

“Because I’m a werewolf and I accidentally killed another student last year,” Remus pointed out. “Incidentally, do you know where James is?”

“No,” James said. “Do you?”

“Not a clue,” Remus said in a tone that suggested he had a decent guess.

“Probably hounding after Evans. Peter, go find James, Sirius instructed.

“Why me?” Peter demanded.

“So Reus and I can snog,” Sirius said. Remus glared at his boyfriend, but didn’t protest when he found an arm slung over his neck and gladly opened his mouth when he felt Sirius’ lips on his. After a few minutes Peter returned and slammed the compartment door shut, causing Sirius to pull away and return to his previous position.

“James was in the prefect’s meeting,” Peter said, a look of shock on his face.

“What?” Sirius demanded. His jaw actually dropped. He turned to Remus, who was te only one who didn’t look surprised and said, “Did you know about this?”

“Well it only makes sense,” Remus said. “It had to be one of us, and the three of us were here. And how many detentions did we really get this year? Most of the rules he broke were just cursing people who picked on us, and the teachers looked the other way for that. And I think Dumbledore kind of fancied shoving it in the Ministry’s face a little, choosing somebody with a really bad record.”

“It’s one thing, having you turn on us, but _Prongs_ ,” Sirius exclaimed. “It’s like the end of all things good in this world.”

“Not _all_ things good,” Remus teased. “I think I’ve still got a few things James doesn’t.”

“Please don’t start snogging again,” Peter pleaded.

“Don’t worry, I don’t like an audience,” Remus said. They spent the next half hour playing gobstones for peter’s sake until James slid the compartment door open. Remus glanced at the badge on James’ chest, and it took him a moment to realize something wasn’t quite right. “Hang on,” he said, taking in the two letters on James’ chest. “Are you head boy?”

“Maybe?” James said, grinning evasively.

“What?” Sirius exclaimed, losing whatever semblance of calm he had gained in the last half hour. “Next thing you’ll be saying is Evans actually agreed to go out with you.”

“Well, about that,” Lily said, slipping into the compartment after James. “I needed a date to my sister’s wedding, and I figured James would keep things interesting, so…”

“You’re kidding me,” Remus said, looking back and forth between Lily and James. “You actually went together.”

“Yeah, and I tell you muggle weddings are dull,” James said. “And everyone got all excited about that throwing the flower thing. I mean, they weren’t very nice flowers. Lily threw them out pretty soon anyways.”

“You caught the bouquet?” Remus asked, turning to Lily, who blushed furiously. It was clear from James’ expression that he was oblivious to the significance of this muggle tradition.

“So are you two dating now?” Peter asked, sitting at the edge of his train seat in anticipation. Granted, he had been waiting for this moment alongside James for the last six years, but it put Lily in a rather awkward position.

James shot her a hopeful look, which she reciprocated with a sheepish shrug, then turned to Peter and said, “Something like that.”

Late that night, when James was busy “making the rounds” as Head Boy, Peter, Remus and Sirius crowded around the map to see Lily and James alone together in a classroom quite far away from where they were supposed to be patrolling.

“Why do you have to be right about everything?” Sirius asked, and handed Remus eleven sickles.


	12. Christmas with the Lupins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily receives bad news, and Sirius spends Christmas with Remus' family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I'm sorry this took me forever to update. I just hit a wall creatively. I'm almost done with it, so the rest should be posted at some point  
> -This chapter contains the death of parents  
> -Also, I feel like I'm not very good at writing Jily, but it is what it is  
> -this one is pretty happy, and oddly enough I don't think there are any trigger warnings

“I think I’ve changed my mind,” Sirius said, slamming down the stack of textbooks onto the library tables. “I want us to drop out and start up a band instead. N.E.W.T.s are bullshit.”

“Only none of us have any musical talent,” Remus pointed out.

“I don’t have _any_ talents,” Peter complained, hitting himself in the head with a transfiguration paper. “I feel like I live in this hell-hole, but I’m barely passing. It’s hopeless.”

“I’m not sure job security is going to be the most important thing once we leave school,” Remus said, leafing through the _Daily Prophet._ “ With all these killings, I feel like we should all be really focusing on fighting He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. If I could be an Auror, that would obviously be ideal, but still, I want to be there, I want to fight. Not just when he comes to me, or my town, _I_ want to go to _him._ We’re always five steps behind him, even the Aurors. I wish there was more we could do.”

Frustrated, Remus sunk back into his seat, and turned back to his Herbology assignment. School had always been an escape, the one thing that was in his control, but as graduation drew nearer, every book just served as a reminder that even if he got on O on every N.E.W.T. he would probably never get a very good job. Most days he considered just dropping all his classes and resigning himself to the crappy, unskilled, temporary jobs he was destined for.

“Will you read my essay?” Sirius asked, setting his head on Remus’ shoulder and giving him his best puppy dog eyes, “And I swear I’ll help you kick some death-eater ass when we get out of here. The problem is you got rid of five of them last year.” Remus snorted and accepted the paper, shaking his head. For all of the Blacks’ snobbery about blood purity, they couldn’t care much about grammar, at least not if Sirius’ was much to go by. Wizards in general tended not to be too good at spelling or maths, which James frequently demonstrated when he tried to convert between sickles and galleons.

“Hey,” Sirius called, turning his head, when James slunk back between the bookshelves to rejoin his friends. He was blushing—James Potter, actually blushing—and had lipstick on his mouth and cheek. Remus couldn’t help but laugh a little before pointing it out. “How’d it go?” Sirius asked, looking almost as excited as James, while Peter looked about ready to piss himself. Even Remus was rather glad to see James and Lily finally together, and both of them the happier for it.

“Brilliant, of course,” James said, taking a seat. Seeing the dreamy look on his face, Sirius and Remus exchanged a grin. “You know she smells really good, all the time. Kind of flowery. I don’t really know quite how to describe it. Just really nice.”

“So did you…” Sirius’ voice trailed off as he tried to phrase his question, then he lamely added, “Do anything?”

“She, er, wants to wait until she’s married to have sex,” James admitted, glancing over at Sirius with something that was almost embarrassment.

“Good thing you didn’t have that excuse,” Sirius joked, elbowing Remus in the ribs. “Guess you’ll just have to pop the question then,” Sirius said, turning back to James, looking perfectly serious.

“She only agreed to go out with me a month ago,” James pointed out. “I’m still working up to touching her tits and maybe an ‘I love you.’ Probably the other order would go best. In fact, if I plan things right, one could lead to another. But I waited six years to get this far, I can wait a few more to get her in bed.”

“That’s cool,” Sirius replied, shrugging. “Id’ve waited for Remus.”

“As if you would have been the one waiting,” Remus scoffed. “I wasn’t the one freaking out about being bent, now was I? And here’s your bleeding essay. The grammar is atrocious, but as far as I know the magic is fine, and Flitwick loves you anyways.”

“Thank you Moony,” Sirius said, and wrapped his arms around Remus, then planted a sloppy, wet kiss on his cheek.

“Gross,” Remus said, wiping saliva off with the back of his hand. “Sometimes I could stand for you to be a little less dog.”

“What are you boys up to?” Lily asked as she approached them. She had clearly taken the time to re-apply her make-up before joining their study group.

“Nothing,” James said. “I told you, as head boy, I’ve straightened out. We’re just sitting here, doing our homework, like good boys. No funny business. None at all.”

“Speak for yourself,” Sirius said, grinning. “Remus and I have all sorts of funny business planned.”

“Just as long as you leave James out of it,” Lily said. She pulled up a chair next to him and leaned up against his shoulder so her red hair cascaded down his chest. He looked about ready to come in his pants. “I’ve gotten rather fond of him.”

 

After spending twenty minutes battling for a pair of Snargaluff Pods, Remus and Lily, panting and sweating profusely, held their prize aloft, grinning with satisfaction. “Victory!” Lily proclaimed, setting the pod down.

“James has been saying the same thing a lot lately,” Remus pointed out, causing Lily to laugh self-consciously.

“It felt a little inevitable,” she admitted. “I figured, after all this time, I’d either really hate going out with him, or really, really like him, and, I don’t know, he’s really nice to be around. He always thinks about me, and he doesn’t mind saying how me feels. I don’t know, I feel like I’m giving in, but at the same, I really don’t mind. Even if it is such a fucking cliché.”

“You two are a good couple,” Remus said. The two of them had only been going out for two months, but Lily had become a permanent fixture in James’ life, even more so than when she had only been a dream. She fit in nicely with the Marauders, especially now that they spent most of their time studying rather than pranking. Besides, she was surprisingly good at holding her liquor, which Remus figured had to be the Irish blood.

“Are you in love with him?” Remus asked, surprising himself with the forwardness of the question. Lily looked up in surprise at him and her mouth was about to form an answer when she was interrupted by professor McGonagall striding into the room.

“Ms. Evans, if you please,” McGonagall said, gesturing to the door. Lily sent Remus a questioning glance, but followed the teacher out of the greenhouse. As he watched her go, Remus felt a sinking sense of terror.

As soon as class got out, he tore up to Gryffindor tower, found the map, tracked James down outside the Potions classroom and took him to the edge of the lake where they found the huddled form of Lily Evans, wrapping her cloak around her against the chill of the coming storm,

“Lily?” James asked, approaching his girlfriend.

“It’s my parents. They’re dead,” she stated, her voice dull and flat, but when she turned to face him, she had black mascara streaking down her cheeks, her green eyes sharper than ever.

“I’m so sorry,” James said, holding out his arms for her. She collapsed onto his chest, dissolving into sobs that wracked her body, shaking with grief. She looked up from James’ shoulder and reached out one hand, which Remus took, and with the other he stroked her back in slow, calming motions. When at last she pulled away, she hiccoughed and said, “Petunia’s all I have left, but she won’t even return my letters.”

“She will now,” James assured her. “She’s got to.”

Lily shook her head and let out another great sob. “I’m alone now.”

“You’ve got us,” Remus murmured. “We’re like family Lily.”

“Spend the holiday with me,” James proposed. “My parents took Sirius in, they understand. You can stay with us as long as you need to, even if you and me don’t work out, you’ll still have me as a friend. You’ll have all of us.”

“James…” Lily said, but trailed off. Instead, she glanced over her shoulder across the lake, as if looking for something on the other side, then turned back and said, “Okay.”

“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Remus asked, still holding tight to her hand. “I understand if you only want to talk to James.”

“No, I trust both of you,” she said, giving them a tearful smile. “It was a pretty normal death eater attack. They were out… out shopping. They were at the grocery store, and about seven Death Eaters came and just killed twenty muggles, and they were gone before the Aurors even knew what was happening. It could have been anybody, they just got unlucky this time, I suppose.”

“We’ll get them for this Lils,” James said. “They’re not going to win. I’ll fight them until they’re all locked up, or I die trying.”

“Don’t die,” Lily whispered, looking up at James. “Please don’t do that to me. I—I love you.”

James flat out stared at her, mouth hanging open dumbly for several seconds, unable to process what she had just said. “Lils—I—I love you too.”

“I know, you twat,” Lily breathed.

Grinning, Remus stepped away slowly, leaving the two of them to it, as Lily pressed her lips to James’ fervently, making him believe that he had really just heard the words he had been dreaming of since he was eleven.

 

“Tea?” Remus asked, settling into a seat next to Lily in the common room. Her eyes were red, and she looked about ready to fall asleep. He doubted she had slept in days, and he couldn’t blame her. She wasn’t close to the girls in her year, and Remus remembered how lonely he had felt back before his friends had known his secret. He and James had offered to stay up with her, but she had always retreated into her fortress of solitude, one of those people who knew how to be alone better than to accept help from the people she loved.

“Thanks,” she said, accepting the steaming mug. “Where’s Sirius?”

“We don’t always come as a unit. But as a matter of fact, he’s landed himself in detention,” Remus said impassively. “Kept shrinking that new DADA teacher’s chalk until he was only writing with nubs. It was actually rather amusing for a while, but he hasn’t got a very good humor about it. I feel bad about it though. It was my idea.”

“Shame,” Lily said. “I didn’t notice, I must have been…”

“Distracted?” Remus asked. When Lily nodded, he said, “The world would keep spinning if you missed an assignment, or let a student get by with a fanged Frisbee or managed to not be perfect for a minute, you know. In fact, I demand it of you.”

Lily’s lip quivered slightly, but she turned back to her notes and re-arranged them slightly, as if Remus would not notice the tear forming at the corner of her eye. “End of term exams are coming up Rem…”

“Fuck them,” Remus said, taking her parchment out of her hands. “You’re a brilliant witch, all the more because of where you came from and you haven’t got anything to prove to anybody. You have the right to fall apart.”

“It was just so important to them to see me here,” Lily said finally, tears rolling freely down her cheeks. She rubbed them away roughly with the backs of her hands. “They were so proud of me for being here, and so excited to see me finish and, to show all those blood-purists that I could do just as well, even though I had grown up going to muggle primary and everything. And they were so looking forward to me taking my N.E.W.T.s and getting into the healer programs, and they were going to se me graduate and oh—” She broke down and shuddered, letting Remus hold her as she sobbed with the unfairness of it all.

“Has Petunia written?” Remus asked, not sure if his question would make matters better or worse.

“Yes,” Lily hiccoughed. “She’s planning the funeral. She… she never liked wizards much but now, I mean now she’s lost her parents, and she thinks all of “my lot” is like that. And she’s not too far off the point. She’s not stupid. She knows about blood purity, and what life is like for me, and she knows that wizards and witches aren’t some lovely society where everybody is nice to one another. People in muggle schools don’t worry about people using unforgivable on them, do they? It used to be all about flying and magic, but now… now I don’t know anymore. I can’t blame her for wanting to shut it all out, but I’m afraid that means she’s going to shut me out too. She’s all I have left.”

“You have us,” Remus said firmly. “I don’t know how you’d feel about this, but I know you aren’t close with the girls in your dorm, but I pretty much spend every night in Sirius’ bed, so if you just wanted to have a sleepover with us…”

“Really?” Lily asked, lifting her head up a little.

“Yeah,” Remus said. “I mean, I don’t know what kind of standards you have for a boys’ dorm room, but I don’t think there are any major health hazards at least. And it’s getting deep enough into winter that we’ll be wearing enough clothes to keep you from seeing more that you want to see.”

“You’re the best,” Lily said, and kissed Remus on the cheek.

“Oy, you two,” James said, appearing in the common room, soaking wet, with Peter behind him. “If you have an affair, you know Sirius and I will be forced to have a rebound fling, and I really don’t swing that way and it will really just be messy and awkward.”

“Don’t worry, we’re just planning on Lily spending the night in my bed,” Remus said, moving over so James could plant himself in the middle. As he sent Remus an alarmed look, Lily magically dried his quidditch robes off and then curled up into his side.

“I’m going to be an honorary Marauder,” she said in explanation. “If you’re okay with me seeing your morning hair.”

“This is my morning, day and night hair,” James said proudly. “I cannot be tamed, much to my father’s eternal despair. Oh, and he’ll be so glad to meet you. Don’t mention you like Potions, or he’ll practically _drag_ you down to the laboratory, and mum’ll be even worse. She has a potion to make everything easier, but spends all her time making the damned things, it doesn’t make her life any simpler. And then she tries to hide health tonics in dinner and its horrid.”

“I’m sure I’ll get by somehow,” Lily said, rolling her eyes. “Wouldn’t want to get lost in the Potter mansion. Unless you and Sirius manage to blow the place up first.”

“Sirius is staying with me, actually,” Remus said.

“Oh, that’ll be nice,” Lily said.

“But Pete’s going to be with us,” James said. “So you can expect some mischief at the very least.”

“Don’t worry, I know when to make myself scarce,” Peter assured her. “It’s a bit of survival skill when you live with Sirius and Remus.”

Sirius chose that moment to announce his arrival by tackling Remus from behind and pinning him to the sofa. Armed with superior senses of hearing and smell, Remus threw Sirius off easily, flipped him, and pinned him down on the floor, knocking down an end table in the process, then said, “Silly puppy. You never learn.”

“I’ll get you one day,” Sirius said. He lifted his head from the floor for a kiss, then settled into a tangle of limbs by the fire with his boyfriend. “Had to oil all the suits of armor on the fifth floor. Took ages.”

“I can’t imagine your suffering,” Remus sighed.

“Yes, well I could imagine much better uses of oil,” Sirius said, nipping at Remus’ shoulder.

“Oy, Pads,” James said, tossing a pillow at his friend. “What have I said about need-to-know information?”

“You’ll have to behave yourself,” Remus admonished. “We are going to have a lady among us.”

Sirius looked up at Lily, shrugged and said, “Lily isn’t exactly a lady.”

“Don’t make slights upon my girlfriend’s honor,” James said, offended.

“I’m not—” Sirius spluttered. “I’m saying, Lily can swear like a sailor, hex our balls of, and probably drink us all under the table to be honest. Correct me if I’m wrong, Miss Evans.” When Lily only grinned, Sirius turned to James and said, “Really, she’s just the fifth Marauder.”

 

“Who’s idea was this?” Sirius asked, pacing around the bathroom. “Who decided we could allow a girl into our room? All she does is hog the bathroom and leave bright red hair in the drain.”

“It was your boyfriend’s idea, and it’s only him and his family you’ll be seeing for the next few weeks, so you don’t have to get all fussy over your hair routine,” James pointed out.

“Well I need to get my shampoo before the train leaves,” Sirius huffed. “And Remus isn’t allowed to see me in my less than flawless state.”

“Let’s not talk about that one time Padfoot rolled in thestral shit, then shall we?” Remus asked. “And sometimes your morning breath is something to equal his.”

“You wound me Moony,” Sirius said. “I never smell of anything but leather, my natural manly musk and occasionally motor oil, and you never smell of anything but chocolate, old books, forest and snow.”

“It’s all yours, beauty queen,” Lily said, throwing the bathroom door open. “And I left a lipstick on the counter, if you want it. It’s not really my color.”

“Red?” Sirius asked, dashing into the bathroom, his wavy hair flopping about his shoulders. “Not likely to make a good impression on Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, but once the holidays are over, Hogwarts has a new bitch.”

“What a fucking queen,” James groaned. He flopped onto his trunk, but cheered up very quickly when Lily sat on his lap and nuzzled into his neck. “Just stick to the plan, alright?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, waving his hand in James’ general direction. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

“What plan?” Lily asked.

“Foolproof,” James said, withdrawing a crumpled piece of parchment from his pocket. Lily inspected the piece of parchment and groaned audibly.

“Have you seen this Rem?” Lily asked.

“What is it?” Remus asked, glancing between his boyfriend and friend, neither of whom looked guilty enough.

“It says ‘twelve foolproof steps to make Lyall Lupin like Padfoot—Engineered by yours Truly, James Potter’” Lily read, and passed the note to Remus. Sentences such as, “ _Slip boggart trivia into dinnertime conversation_ ,” “ _Discuss Moony’s finer, cute, and lovable qualities_ ,” and “ _do NOT discuss any of Moony’s qualities that involve sex, snogging, dating, drinking, or other bad influences you have had on him, Padfoot you **bad dog**_ ” jumped out immediately.

“This is daft,” Reus said. “But sweet,” he added. “Though you could have asked me how to win my dad over, given that I’m the one who’s lived with him for the last seventeen years.”

“I figured Prongs is the one with experience at wearing down resistance and forcing people to like him, who formerly disapproved on him,” Sirius said, taking the list of instructions back. “And I’ll have you know, I studied up a great deal on boggarts and poltergeists, and I am very well equipped to help amaze him with my foraging, gardening and potion brewing skills.”

“I take it this is why you’ve bothered studying Potions for a change,” Remus said.

“They interviewed Peeves,” Peter informed his friend.

“Yes, and it went quite swimmingly,” Sirius said. “I think we’ve rather earned his respect, with all this chaos we’ve caused in the last six and a half years.”

“This knowledge won’t impress Mr. Lupin much if you miss the train, I don’t imagine,” Lily said, getting up from James’ lap. “Come along boys,” she said, leading the way from the dorm.

 

Remus and Sirius took a public floo station near King’s Cross directly to Hope and Lyall’s living room. “Welcome home, love,” Hope said, and planted a kiss on Remus’ cheek. She soon followed it up with a warm hug for Sirius, and immediately shoved a plate of cookies into the hands of the two boys. “Lovely to see you again, Sirius,” she said. “Eat up, I’ve been practicing several recipes.”

“They’re lovely,” Sirius said, accepting a handfull cookies. “Better than the Hogwarts elves.”

“Quite the charmer you’ve got there Remus,” Hope commented, and disappeared back into the kitchen.

“C’mon, let’s drop off our things,” Remus said, gesturing to his room. Lyall tracked both boys carefully with narrowed eyes as they crossed the tiny sitting room into Remus’ cramped bedroom, where Remus deposited their shared travelling case on his chair. “No point unpacking for so short a time I suppose,” he sighed.

“Where can I put your gifts?” Sirius asked, pulling a bag out of the mass of clothes and toiletries that he had deposited into the case at the last moment. “They’re shrunk. And I got your parents wine as a host’s gift, just for good measure. Red, obviously.”

“You got a gift?” Remus stammered, staring at his boyfriend.

“Is it too much?” Sirius asked, his nerves evident. “I mean, I’m really glad to be staying here. I just want to make a good impression…” Remus cut his boyfriend off with a kiss.

“You’re adorable,” He said, grinning. He took Sirius’ hand and led him out of the room, once the other boy had de-shrunk the bottle of wine.

“Right then,” Sirius muttered, grinning as Remus left the room. “Phase one.” After he presented his gift to Hope and Lyall with all the formality of a Black heir—old habits die hard—he flopped into an armchair by the fire and said, “Alright, so where are the baby photos?”

Remus snorted, blowing cookie crumbs out his mouth and onto his very woolly sweater and managed to say something that sounded like, “traitor!”

“Reverting already Moony-kins?” Sirius said, reaching out to brush crumbs off his boyfriend’s chest. “But seriously, I need to see it all: little Remus bonnets and bathtub photos and onesies.”

“I think we have an album,” Hope said, smiling. “I haven’t pulled it out in ages, honestly.

“This is cruel,” Remus hissed.

“And there’s no way you can retaliate,” Sirius said smugly. “All the family portraits are in Grimmauld Place, and there’s no way my mother would let you in.”

“Here it is,” Hope said, pulling out a thick album and set it on the coffee table. Remus grudgingly sat down between Sirius and Lyall as Hope flipped to the first page of a much younger Hope and Lyall holding a newborn Remus, wrinkled and naked, with a blue cap. “That was our first home in Wales,” Hope said, pointing to a second picture of herself holding baby Remus, now wrapped in a quilt, standing outside a cottage with a sprawling garden and smoking chimney.

The next pages revealed a happy family, doting on their healthy baby boy, full of pictures of Remus being held by various relatives, including the wizarding relatives that had cut off all contact after he had been infected with lycanthropy. He played with a cat, and even a few cousins.

“You were a fat baby,” Sirius commented, pointing to a photo of Remus chewing stuffed fish.

“Rude,” Remus said, elbowing Sirius in the ribs, but his lips quirked up slightly. Sirius figured Remus probably wouldn’t be so skinny if it weren’t for the physical strain of the transformations, but it was strange to think of him any other way. It was strange to look at him as a young child, his skin free of the silver and red criss-cross of scarring.

Hope flipped through pages, smiling idly, occasionally pausing to recount stories like, “Remus threw a tantrum during Christmas mass that year. We had to drag him out of church kicking and screaming.” Or, “That was such a lovely trip to Ireland. It was just after Remus’ third birthday, I think. Rained the whole time though.” About halfway through the album, Hope got to a picture of Remus, four-years-old and grinning broadly, wearing a chunky cable-knit sweater, perched atop his father’s shoulders. “I’m afraid that’s it,” Hope sighed, and shut the album, setting it carefully on the coffee table. Sirius glanced over at Remus, whose face was flushed as he looked purposefully down at his mug of hot chocolate. Sirius didn’t need to ask why there were no more photos of young Remus, but it made a part of him angry. His lovely boyfriend obviously thought his body was something shameful—an ugly reminder of his condition that made him anathema to the rest of good society. His parents had refused to so much as record him as a part of their lives after the age of four. Sirius wasn’t sure if another person had taken his photograph until Peter had constantly forced them behind the lens of his camera.

“That was lovely, thank you,” Sirius said to Hope, then nuzzled his face into the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered, not really caring if Hope and Lyall heard.

 

The holidays passed much the same as holidays do: with a great deal of eating and Christmas specials on telly, and hot chocolate. Sirius particularly enjoyed the Lupin family tradition of Lyall reading _A Christmas Carol_ aloud, chapter by chapter on the nights leading up to Christmas. Christmas at Grimmauld place had always been a time of being told of for what a disappointment he was, and fancy parties with Ministry officials and Death Eaters, all while Sirius was forced to look and behave as the heir should. Here, he could wander around in worn jeans and one of Remus’ jumpers, eating the cookies Hope always seemed to have at the ready. Sirius mostly sat on the sofa while Remus curled up against him with a book, and while this seemed to make Lyall a little uncomfortable, he at least tolerated it.

On Christmas Eve, the Lupin family—plus Sirius—settled down for the last two chapters of _A Christmas Carol._ They were just at the last chapter, where Scrooge ordered the Christmas duck for the Cratchits, when Remus fell asleep, his head resting on Sirius’ lap. Sirius had to admit that Lyall really did have a nice reading voice, and could certainly understand where Remus’ love of books had come from. As he brushed the hair out of his boyfriend’s face, he pictured Remus as a little boy, not allowed among other children, furiously immersing himself in fictional worlds. By the time Lyall finished off the story, Sirius had dozed off slightly himself, and Hope had to wake both boys, who both yawned and stretched before getting ready for bed.

Lyall and Hope had insisted that Sirius sleep on the sofa, which was all well and good, because Sirius didn’t think he could stand the idea of getting up to anything with Remus in his parents’ house. Still, as he lay on the couch, he found he couldn’t get to sleep, and, wrapping his comforter around his shoulders, he made his way into Remus room. “Moons?” Sirius asked. “You up?”

“Come over here, you silly wanker,” Remus said, moving over to create a pocket of space between himself and the wall. Sirius jumped onto the bed, hearing an “oomph,” from his boyfriend, then snuggled into Remus’ arms, noticing that Remus’ bed was even thinner than the Hogwarts bed. Then again, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, if it just meant getting cozier.

“Your family’s nice,” Sirius commented, laying his head down next to Remus’ on the one pillow. He wished Remus had anticipated this scenario and provided a second, but made do. “They do proper Christmas things. My parents didn’t like Santa Claus, or trees or anything remotely _muggle._ ”

“Christmas trees are pagan in origin,” Remus said with a yawn. “They saw a resurgence in the late Renaissance, but they were originally decorated by pagans, whose winter solstice rituals were led by druids… wizards and witches. So they’re not really muggle at all if you look back far enough.”

“You read too much,” Sirius huffed. After a moment or two of punitive silence, he looked over to Remus, who was not asleep, but gazing out the window at the half moon, hanging low in the sky. “You have too many thoughts in the far away Moony brain of yours, and you don’t always come down to Earth and tell the rest of us peons what’s going on up there,” Sirius chided.

“Not fair,” Remus muttered. “It’s my charm: Remus Lupin, silent and mysterious. I’m _brooding_ Padfoot. Like a Bronte sister love interest. Only without a wife in the attic.”

“Yes, it’s all well and good as a tactic for drawing somebody in, but seeing that I’m hooked, you may as well share,” Sirius reasoned. He twirled a lock of Remus’ hair in his fingers and tugged lightly, causing Remus to turn his head towards his boyfriend.

He sighed and said, “It’s nothing really. “I just thought it’s be nice, having a kid someday you know, to read to, and everything. But it’s not as if that’s going to happen anytime soon.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, feeling as if a balloon in his chest was deflating.

“Don’t be like that,” Remus said. “It’s not your fault. Even if you had a uterus, I don’t know if lycanthropy can be passed down to kids. People don’t really want to study werewolves. Anyways, I’d be a shit dad, having to leave once a month, and everybody would hate me. It couldn’t happen.”

“You’d be a great dad,” Sirius said insistently. “You have a proper family, and you’d know how to do proper family things, like changing nappies and birthday parties, and making people feel loved. Remus, you make me feel so loved, when I’m with you it’s like sunlight.” He leaned over to press his lips to Remus, then to kiss the corners of Remus’ eyes, where he could taste the salt of tears. “Besides,” Sirius said. “James’ll have a sprog, maybe even Wormy, and we can be the cool gay uncles and give them back when they shit themselves.”

“That’s only if whoever the mum is—hopefully Lily in James’ case—lets you touch her baby,” Remus pointed out, though Sirius was glad to see he was smiling now.

“You know my good looks and undeniable charms will get me anywhere,” Sirius said. “I’ll have the birds handing over their firstborns night and day.”

“Just don’t perform any blood rituals in the apartment,” Remus said with a yawn. He buried his head deeper into the pillow and closed his eyes. Sirius chuckled, then reached out to brush his knuckles over the Remus’ faces, getting no more response then the slow puff of air when Remus breathed out. Sirius knew he really should go back to the sofa, but he really couldn’t pass up the opportunity to sink his head back into the pillow and admire the way Remus’ lashes rested over his cheeks, which seemed to be smiling, just a little, even as he slept. And there was also his lovely mouth. Yes, Sirius thought, he would move, once he was done admiring Moony’s mouth…

 

“Remus John Lupin!” Remus’ eyes flew open and his heart slammed to a halt as soon as he heard the tone of his father’s voice. He was most definitely in trouble. What for, he had yet to find out. As he scrambled with his blankets to push himself into a seated position, he vaguely noticed Sirius curled up next to him on top of the blankets, but there was hardly anything unusual about that.

“What?” he asked, looking around his room, as if expecting to see a reminder of his apparent crime.

“Your mother and I were very clear that Sirius was to sleep on the sofa,” Lyall hissed, glaring at the sleeping boy beside his son. “And not your bedroom. ”

“Oh,” Remus sighed, glad that was all. “Sirius,” he said, shaking the lump beside him. “You fell asleep here. You have to get up now. You weren’t supposed to fall asleep.” When Sirius didn’t wake up, Remus started pushing him gently, then shoving him roughly.

“Wha—what is it Moony?” Sirius asked, sitting up abruptly. He turned his head to see Lyall, standing, arms crossed, in the doorway and said, “Shit. I’m sorry Mr. Lupin, I really didn’t mean to fall asleep in here. We were just talking, I swear. Absolutely no hanky panky.”

“You aren’t making things better,” Remus groaned.

“Boys, I’ve lost trust in both of you,” Lyall scolded, his eyes narrowing.

“Oh Lyall, don’t be so dramatic,” Hope said, appearing behind her husband in a dressing gown and slippers. “It’s clear Sirius fell asleep by accident. Let’s all get breakfast shall we? And merry Christmas, boys.”

“Merry Christmas,” Remus muttered, still glaring at his father. He threw of the blankets and trudged towards the door. Turning back to Sirius, he said. “Oh, and you aren’t allowed to change out of your pajamas at all today. It’s family tradition.”

 

As winter break drew to a close, Sirius found himself enjoying his time with the Lupins more and more. He had spent Christmases with the Potters, and they always would be his chosen family, but Hope brought in more muggle traditions and Sirius found muggle Christmas to be more, well, magical. Hope taught him how to bake cookies and told him the story of Jesus, which was a long conversation, and Lyall took the boys along when he went foraging for Potions ingredients. Sirius’ knowledge on poltergeists did help melt the frost between them a little, and Lyall grudgingly admitted that Sirius was rather good at Potions. While the Potters had always been inviting important people over to their house, the Lupin family lived a practically insular existence. Lyall and Hope were fiercely protective of Remus, and it was him that their lives revolved around. Sirius could understand why Lyall was so wary of any intruder—they hardly let Remus go out without his mittens, for fear of him getting hurt more than he already was.

“They just don’t understand that I’m an adult,” Remus reflected on New Years Eve. He had Sirius had taken a hike to a clearing on top of a hill with blankets, fireworks, hot chocolate, champagne, and—most importantly in Sirius’ opinion—lubricant. It was going to be a good night. “Like, this year, I’m not going to be a student anymore. I’ll be looking for jobs—not that I’m likely to have much luck—and we’ll be paying bills and washing our own socks and adult things like that. But they still think I’m this four-year-old boy who needs my daddy to protect me from monsters. Like if they take really good care of me now, it’ll erase what happened. Plus, my dad’s a bigoted arse, and thinks having sex with men makes me less of a man.”

“Only one man, I hope,” Sirius put in, and passed Remus the mug of hot chocolate when his boyfriend chuckled a little. “But it is weird that we’ll be graduating this year. No more pranking teachers, or detentions, or curfews. Just us, doing what we want. Except, it also means no more safety in knowing nobody’s going to get into the castle, not with Dumbledore. There’s a war going on, and every day it could be one of us next. I mean, look at Lily’s parents. And besides, Hogwarts was really the first place I was ever happy. It’s where I met you and James and Pete, it’s where I grew up. It’s just—I’m going to miss the place.”

“You know what this means,” Remus said, glancing up at the sky.

“What?” Sirius asked.

Grinning, Remus turned to his boyfriend and said, “We’re going to have to plan one hell of a final prank.”

“Are you doubting the Maruaders?” Sirius asked. “It’s going to be something to remember. Mark my words, Remus Lupin, we will be legends. Pranksters will say prayers to us before making their own forays into mischief. We will be household names. The Great Prank of 1978 it’ll be called. Children will cheer our names…”

“You don’t have a single idea, do you?” Remus interrupted.

“That’s what we have you for,” Sirius scoffed. “My job is to be crazy enough to actually do it, and then to talk my way out of situations while you stand by and look all innocent. Remus “I’m a prefect, how could I have anything to do with it” Lupin.”

“I’m not a prefect anymore,” Remus pointed out. “James is the only one with high expectations now. Besides, if it is our last week, they can’t punish us, not really. Not unless we kill somebody.” Remus paused to check his pocket watch, showing him only two minutes until 1978. “Besides,” he said. “After N.E.W.T.s, I’ll be ready for just about any means of relaxing. I think these tests might kill me.”

“You aren’t allowed to start the New Year thinking about exams,” Sirius stated. “Help me set up the fireworks instead.”

“Not much set up required,” Remus pointed out, but helped his boyfriend position the crackers regardless. “We set them off at midnight?” Remus confirmed.

“After the kiss,” Sirius reminded him. “You’re forgetting the most important part.”

“Am I?” Remus teased as Sirius walked closer to him, trying to look casual as he checked the pocket watch Mr. and Mrs. Potter had given him. “Because the way I see it I can kiss you any old time.”

“Is that so?” Sirius asked, placing his hands on Remus’ hips, and leaning in until their foreheads were touching. “Because it’s been over a week since I’ve been able to touch you, and I can hardly keep my hands to myself. But if you’d rather set off some fireworks, well, be my guest.”

Remus chuckled, and held up his watch. “Only twenty seconds,” he commented, then brought his lips up until they were almost touching Sirius’. “I suppose, if you ask me nicely, we can hold off on the fireworks.” Sirius made a whiny noise and started to shift his wait from one foot to the other as Remus counted down, very slowly. “Three… two… one.” When they finally pressed their lips together, the two boys kissed in a way they had not been allowed to for some days. In a matter of seconds, Sirius was on top of Remus, lying down on their picnic blanket. Warming charms followed, and then the clothing was removed.

The fireworks ended up going off rather late that night.


	13. Stag and Doe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders carry out their final prank and make plans for the future

“James, I need to borrow some fucking socks,” Sirius bellowed, sprinting up the stairs, soaking wet and reeking of dungbombs. “Phase three went amiss.”

“What happened to your socks?” James asked, glancing up from his quidditch magazine.

“They’re in the laundry,” Sirius answered, waving his hand in the direction of the laundry chute.

“All of them?” James questioned. “All at once?”

“Yes, well, I was hiding the dungbombs in the sock drawer, and I think we got a faulty batch, because they’ve been going off at inopportune moments.”

“Fine, well you know where mine are. Just, uh, you know, be quick about it,” James said, a bit awkwardly.

“I won’t look at your porn,” Sirius assured his friend as he pulled open the sock drawer. “That’s the nice thing about being gay. Me and Moony can share our porn, and you and Wormy won’t go stealing it either.”

“You know Sirius, there are some things I just don’t want to know,” James groaned, and tried to hide his reddening face behind his magazine.

Sirius grinned as his hand fished around for an elusive match to the sock he had found, until, with a _thunk,_ he found a small, hard, square-ish object. “James,” Sirius said slowly, when he pulled a black velvet box out of the drawer. “This isn’t porn.”

“Well, no, it isn’t porn,” James said, now standing at Sirius’ elbow, messing up his hair nervously. “It’s—well, it’s…”

Sirius opened the box to reveal a gold diamond ring, that, as far as he could tell, looked rather expensive. “You fucker,” Sirius screamed, and tackled James to the floor. “You’re going to bloody propose, and you didn’t fucking tell me? You bloody, fucking twat. You tosser! I”ll fucking murder you, you know? You’ve been going out, what? Four months? She’s not…” Horrified, Sirius sat back on his heels and stared in his friend in shock and whispered, “you haven’t knocked her up, have you?”

“No, you psycho,” James hissed. “And if you’re done trying to murder me, I’d love to explain myself. My mum just gave me the ring so I could think about it you know? In case I want to propose before I see my parents or before I’m home again, and they’ve met her, and they like her, but I’m nowhere close to proposing. I’d tell you before I proposed. And she is definitely not pregnant. We haven’t even gotten to that…stage, okay?”

“Okay,” Sirius muttered. “You just had me worried there, okay?”

“Clearly,” James muttered. “I think you bruised my bottom, and my elbow.”

“Like you haven’t taken worse from bludgers,” Sirius scoffed. “But you are thinking about it then? Proposing?”

“I mean, I suppose I’ve been thinking about it since first year to be honest, but yes. I love her, Sirius, and I’d like to be with her. I don’t know about forever—I don’t know if I believe in that—but for as long as I can see. And given that either of us could get killed the day we walk out of this place, it just makes you realize what’s important.”

“Are you just doing all this because you might die though?” Sirius asked. “Because you know she won’t like that. She won’t marry you just because you’re worried you might not get the chance if you wait it out. Not wanting to die alone isn’t a good reason to get married. Besides, there’s not way you’d be alone. You’ve got me, and Remus, and Pete.”

“But do you—do you think she’ll say yes?” James asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Well, if you give her a few months,” Sirius said. “I mean, she seems to like you, and well, you’re great, and you’ve been less of a tosser so I reckon, yeah. I don’t know. Remus is the one who’s friends with her.” Sirius frowned, then said, “You know, you’re going to be Mr. James Evans. It’s like you aren’t going to be a Marauder anymore.”

“Sirius…” James groaned. “It’s not like everything is going to change. Well, no, that’s not true. Everything is going to change, but that’s because we’re leaving school, and you and Remus are going to your apartment, and maybe me and Lily will get our own place, and we won’t be all having classes together and playing pranks on Slytherins. You’ll be in Auror training and working at a bar, but we’ll meet for drinks and hang out at each others’ places. So yes, everything _will_ change, but it won’t be because of her, and you can’t blame her. Sirius, you are my brother, and that is never going to change. You’re family, and that’s forever.”

Sirius’ lip quivered just slightly, which James pretended not to notice, when he pulled his friend to hi feet and into a tight hug and rocked him side to side slightly. After several moments, he seemed to remember what had brought Sirius racing into the dormitory in the first place, sprang away, cursing, glanced at his pocket watch, and shouted, “Phase five!”

“We’ve got to run,” Sirius shouted, taking off for the door. “If Filch catches Remus and Peter without the cloak, map or no, they’re screwed.”

“Damn, damn, damn,” James said, rooting through his trunk for the cloak while James tapped his foot impatiently. “can’t even pull off a simple act of vandalism. What have we come to?”

“I’m blaming Evans for this at least,” Sirius put in. “We’ve fallen to damaging property only, instead of people. All this moral outrage nonsense is messing with our image.”

“Stop your whinging and help me rescue your boyfriend,” James groused, and they took off in the direction of the entryway. “Now that you’ve buggered up the diversion they have a much likelier chance of getting caught. I say we should have done this at night.”

“Ghosts patrol at night,” Sirius reminded his friend. “Remus, my lovely and brilliant moonshine, suggested we do it when most people are in classes, so all the teachers are busy teaching, Filch is busy with the dungbombs, and Wormtail can distract Mrs. Norris with his own special talents.” Peter had gotten very good at shifting into a rat, on the other side of the hall, close enough so she could catch his scent, then getting her to chase him until she got within ten feet, then shifting back. It was rather fun to watch, but rather nerve-wracking for the boy. It was his first time doing it without a fellow Marauder standing guard, but James had been unable to risk getting caught, not with the final game of the season—the game that would decide who won the cup—that weekend.

So James and Sirius went careening down hallways in the direction of the great hall, only to groan in disappointment when they heard the harsh sound of Filch’s voice saying, “Is that paint on your nose, Mr. Lupin?”

“No, Sir, that’s… that’s a pimple,” Remus lied. “I mean, well, it’s blood, but it came from a pimple, which I scratched, and which bled. It is not paint. I don’t know why there would be paint on my face. I don’t have any idea at all, sir.”

“No?” Filch hissed. “Not because the great hall has been vandalized in permanent sticking paint? _Red_ permanent sticking paint.”

“Well, I’m sure I don’t know anything about that,” Remus said.

“Turn out your pockets,” Filch hissed. James and Sirius ducked under the cloak and turned the corner to see Remus pull a chocolate frog, a Droobles Best Blowing Gum, a quill, pieces of crumpled parchment, and the Marauder’s map out of his pocket.

“What’s This?” Filch demanded, brandishing the map.

“Not paint,” Remus pointed out. “It is, in fact, parchment.”

“Yes, well, perhaps, if I throw it in the fire, you won’t miss it if it is just parchment then, eh?”

Sirius made a movement toward Filch, but James held him back. Remus was perfectly capable of dealing with Filch at this point, who was really the only person who ever stooped to this level anymore.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Remus said evenly.

“Is that a threat?” Filch asked.

“No,” Remus said. “It’s a fair warning. That particular piece of parchment is particularly volatile. In words you can understand, that’s _explosive_.”

Filch made a wheezing sort of noise and dropped the parchment, then picked it up again, so as to prevent Remus from getting it back. “I’ll be confiscating this,” he said. “You won’t be seeing it again… whatever it is. And once I have a little chat with Minerva, you’ll be in big trouble.” As soon as he was far enough off, James and Sirius ripped the cloak off and rushed over to their friend, just as Peter came jogging around the corner.

“Well at least somebody did their job properly,” Remus fumed, than turned on his boyfriend. “How hard is it to drop a few bloody dungbombs? I’ll be in such trouble and now we’ve lost the map. How are we going to do a final prank without the map?”

“We’ve lost the map?” Peter wheezed.

“Yes, because somebody, ruined the prank,” Remus said.

“But did you get it done?” James asked.

“You say it like you had something to do with it,” Remus snapped. “And I got close enough. Come on, let’s take a look.” As soon as the four boys made it to the Great Hall, Sirius burst out laughing, Peter badly restrained a fit of giggles, and James, screamed in anger.

“This is an outrage,” he yelled. “A complete failure. Close enough? Close enough my arse?”

“Well,” Remus said with a shrug. “You get the idea.” Under the Hogwarts Crest, reading HOWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, in Remus’ fanciest writing was the amendment HOME OF MOONY, WORMTAIL, PADFOOT, AND PRON.

 

Remus snuck up to the dormitory during the quidditch after party at which Sirius was notably absent. “Sirius, love.” He said, pulling away the blankets to the cocoon covering his boyfriend. “Not feeling the party?”

“She’s going to take him away from me,” Sirius moaned.

“I take it that by ‘she’ you mean the red-head making out with James on the sofa in the common room,” Remus said as he began to rub Sirius’ back. “Namely, Lily.”

“Yeah, her,” Sirius grunted.

“You know, it might help if you actually had a conversation with her,” Remus suggested.

“She’s going to take him away with her breasts and freckles and babies and domesticity and all those things men are supposed to want, and he won’t want to do things with us anymore, and there won’t be room for me. He’s going to have to get rid of me, and he’s going to do it nicely, because he’s James, but he’s going to _want_ her, and not me.”

“Listen to me,” Remus insisted, forcing Sirius attention away from whatever black hole train of thought he was on. “You are in love with me, or at least so you have lead me to believe, and you want to shag me and hold my hand and all sorts of things, and live with me, and you don’t want to do those things with James. Please tell me all of this is correct, or we will have bigger problems that Lily stealing James from you.” Sirius nodded. “Good. So, the way you feel about me, that’s how Lily feels about James. And it’s how James feels about Lily. You don’t want to take me away from Peter, or my family. Maybe for a few hours now and then, or a weekend, but not forever. In fact, sometimes we get sick of each other and we might row. And then we’ll want to be away from each other. And you don’t want to leave James now that you have me. Things with him didn’t change much. So things with you and him, they’ll change as your lives change, but as long as you still care about one another, you’ll be in each other’s lives. No, you aren’t going to see him every day, but you aren’t going to lose him either. He loves you. You are his family.”

“If he marries her…” Sirius whispered.

“You are still his family,” Remus insisted. “The Blacks did a shit job of showing you how family works. It isn’t conditional. It doesn’t stop because you’re mad at each other or because things get difficult or something changes. When somebody gets married it doesn’t mean anybody gets pushed out or anything has to end. All it means is that if Lily agrees to marry him—which you are taking as a given, and let me tell you, it is not—all it means is that she will become part of your family. So you should probably get to know her.”

“Do you think she will marry him?” Sirius asked. “Do you think she’d say yes?”

“Not today,” Remus answered. “Maybe eventually. She likes him. She had a good time with him over Christmas. Got along with Fleamont and Euphemia. Fleamont showed her how to brew sleak-eazy’s apparently. And James is romantic. Buys her flowers, takes her on nice dates, shit like that. I don’t know. They’re good together. They’re happy.”

“We’re going to be together forever, right?” Sirius asked. “Like, you can’t get bugger off when I get too annoying and get toothpaste on the bathroom mirror or something. You’re gong to stick with me until we’re both old or dead, right?”

“Of course I will,” Remus assured his boyfriend and he gently pulled his finger through Sirius’s soft black hair. “I think cleaning spells will assure a great deal of our relationship stability. We’ve already been through far worse if I may remind you. You aren’t getting rid of me.”

 

“I don’t understand why you’re taking me down a hidden passageway,” Lily said, glancing around the dank stone walls.

“Remus told me to spend time with you,” Sirius said moodily. “I’m taking you out for a drink. The next Hogsmeade weekend isn’t for a month. Have you got a problem with it?”

“No,” Lily said, and folded her arms across her chest.

They walked in silence for a few more minutes before Sirius cleared his throat and said, “Hypothetically,” then paused and clarified, “And I’m asking for a friend here, how would one get everybody out of the dungeons?” Lily snapped her head over so fast he worried she might get whiplash. “Seriously,” he said. “I’m asking for a friend. Well, boyfriend. It’s Remus’ job to plan the pranks, but he hit a logistical sticking point. We don’t exactly want to drown anybody.”

“Drown?” Lily demanded. “I—You can’t be—you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“The final prank is a very serious business,” Sirius said. “We have to leave with a bang. But we have to get absolutely everybody out of the dungeons first.”

“Which part?” Lily asked, once she had pulled herself together a little.

“North wing,” Sirius answered. “We don’t want the mess up the kitchens. It’s mostly empty anyway. I mean, if we could get the Slytherin dorms, that would be ideal, but unfortunately, we can only get away with damaging so much property.”

“Yes, I can see how that might be a setback,” Lily grumbled. “Well, a fire would do the trick, but that would endanger people. Really, the only other reason to evacuate is if noxious gases get released in a potions accident, which can be mimicked easily enough without putting anybody in danger. Garroting gas, for instance smells like licorice, so if you can release produce a licorice-like smell, Slughorn will probably get all the students and house-elves out. That should give you the freedom to do whatever you are planning.”

“You’re brilliant,” Sirius said with a grin. “Remind me never to doubt James’ judgment again.”

“So will you tell me what you’re planning?” Lily asked.

“No,” Sirius said. “I think you might try to put an end to it if you knew. But I assure you, it will live up to your expectations, and a little more. I will give you a hint however. Hogwarts has surprisingly large pipes. Like, ridiculously large. There is no conceivable reason to have plumbing that large. So I’ll just leave that to your imagination.”

“That’s not a very good hint,” Lily pointed out.

“Oh look,” Sirius said, pointedly ignoring her. “We’re in Hogsmeade.” He sped up, and, groaning, Lily rolled her eyes and hurried up to catch up with him.

 

Final Prank supplies

_25 filibusters fireworks—time release engineered by James_

            **ordered, will arrive week before**

_10 dung bombs—time release engineered by James_

            I have plenty under my bed

**I don’t need to know that about you and Remus’ sex life**

_Shut up Prongs_

            Gross

_4 swim suits_

            _Normal swim suits will be enhanced with warming charms_

15 gillyweeds 

**I will steal from my parents over break. I think my dad uses gillyweed for something or another. No reasonable excuse has been thought of yet**

_Lots of deep sea fish_

_Hoki—obtained from local muggle fisherman, to be delivered to post office in Hogsemeade_

**~~-Peter will pick up night before, store in the shack~~ **

- _Don’t store in the Shack! I don’t want my last transformation to smell of fish!_

-You’re only ever in the shack for a few moments Moons!

_-It’s the principle of it. The shack is my territory_

- **Okay, calm your tits, Wolf boy. Fish will be stored in the passage to Honeydukes**

            Licorice Gas!

**-Compliments of my girlfriend, Lily Evans**

\- Yes James, we all know you are dating Lily Evans

**-Well at least you haven’t literally heard, which is more than I could say**

_-_ It’s not my fault Remus forgot the silencing charm

                        _-Why is it always my responsibility?_

-Because you’re the responsible one

            _-Well it’s rather hard to think when I’ve got your--_

                        -This sounds like a personal conversation

                        -Well something was very hard

                        **-Padfoot!**

-Sorry

                        -I’m not sorry

_-Behave, Padfoot_

_- Are you going to punish me?_

“Potter, Black, Pettigrew, and Lupin,” Professor Flitwick squeaked, tearing the boys away from the note they had been writing, not very secretly apparently.

“Er, sorry sir,” Remus said, still blushing over Sirius’ last comment. “I was having a bit of trouble with my notes, and Sirius was helping me out. We just got a bit, er, distracted.”

Flitwick narrowed his eyes slightly, but after a mixture of Sirius’ puppy dog eyes, and Remus’ but-I’m-an-Angel face, he went back to the lecture. As soon as Flitwick’s back turned, Sirius hand was on Remus’ thigh, just above the knee, but slowly making it’s way upwards.

“You’re incorrigible,” Remus hissed out the side of his mouth, then elbowed Sirius in the ribs.

“Moony’s being mean to me,” Sirius complained to James.

“No doubt you deserve it,” James said, and elbowed him back. Soon the two of them were shoving into each other, and Remus and slunk away towards Peter, watching the chaos he had caused.

Until Flitwick turned around, that is. “Boys!” He shouted, bringing the shoulder shoving to an abrupt halt. “I suggest one of you find a new seat, or you will lose more than twenty points a piece. As the class groaned, James stood up and, smirking, slid into the empty seat beside Lily, who only rolled her eyes.

“Planning session over?” She hissed.

“More or less,” James answered, kissing her on the cheek once lecture resumed.

“Just don’t get expelled. I don’t date complete delinquents.”

“Of course not, Lily darling,” James said. “We have toed the line between well-meaning mischief and expulsion for over six years. We’re professionals.”

 

During second period, a loud, blaring alarm went off, and all Hogwarts students were rushed out onto the green. Those who had been in Potions murmured something about garroting gas, and while the heads of houses gathered the students and began counting, they turned around when, which a _whoosh,_ and a loud sucking noise, the creek into which the castle’s plumbing drained began to swirl and sink ominously. Soon, water from the lake was rushing downstream at a rapid pace to make up for the deficit.

Without waiting to be counted, students ran back into the castle, where they could hear the rushing of water coming from the north wing of the dungeons. By the time they made it to the Great Hall, there were several inches of water, and when somebody looked down the stairs to the north dungeons, they saw that it was completely flooded, several students had just approached the deeper water, when, out of the depths, a thick tentacle emerged.

“Fuck!” One student shouted, jumping back onto the feet of another. “It’s the giant squid!” Once several of the more reckless students had confirmed that the giant squid was, in fact, in the dungeons, and not in the lake where it belonged, heads turned and all eyes were on the Marauders who, though dry, all smelled suspiciously of fish.

 

“The giant squid in the lake!” McGonagall shouted, turning angrily to the four boys, who were beginning to view her office as their second home. “How we are going to remove it without damaging the school, or the creature, is just… and a quarter of the dungeons flooded. How you even managed… After you put it back where it bloody well belongs, and I _don’t_ want to know _how_ you did it, you can go right along and clean up the dungeons. Goodness knows they’ll be wet and fishy enough. They had better be in their original condition by the time you graduate, or I will be forced to take house points, and I really would like Gryffindor to have a shot at the cup this year to be quite frank. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes Professor,” the Marauders said in unison.

“Er, professor,” James said, ruffling his hair nervously. “Is their any chance of us getting some Gillyweed? To ensure the squid gets safely back to the…” he trailed off when he saw McGonagal’s nostrils flare dangerously then muttered, “I guess we’d all better learn that bubble-head charm, then.”

As the four boys turned to leave, they heard McGonagall’s voice call, “Oh, and boys, Professor Dumbledore would like to see you.”

“I thought we were just getting detentions,” Sirius exclaimed as Peter squeaked, Remus paled, and James looked sick.

“it’s about—a different matter,” McGonagall said, looking if anything slightly uncomfortable. He will explain everything to you individually. Just don’t be surprised if you receive notes from him.”

 

Palms sweating, Remus made his way to the Headmaster’s office, clutching at the piece of parchment requesting his presence, and with the word “chocolate frog” scrawled in a corner. After passing the stone gargoyle, Remus knocked on the Professor’s door and was instructed to enter.

“Headmaster,” Remus said, as he took a seat across from Dumbledore. “Professor McGonagall said you might be calling me in. If it’s about the incident with the squid…”

“No, it has nothing to do with that at all,” Dumbledore said with a smile. “Though I must say whoever planned that has quite a mind.” Remus flushed, and Dumbledore continued, “What I have called you here to ask about is your future after Hogwarts. Professor McGonagall tells me you are looking to get a position at Gringotts. I wish you the best with that, but I believe I have something to offer you, aside from your day job.”

“Sir?” Remus asked, confused. “If you’re just offering me a job because I can’t get one—”

“That is not the case, my dear boy,” Dumbledore clarified. “In the past, you and your friends have displayed a willingness to oppose Lord Voldemort and his followers. Your friends James and Sirius are pursuing careers as Aurors, which is certainly a good thing. However, the Auror’s office has certain, er, limitations. I have drawn together several witches and wizards who want to fight the Death Eaters and protect whoever we can. If this is not something that interests you, you may stop me here.”

“No sir, that sounds… that sounds like something I’d want to do,” Remus said, his throat suddenly dry. From what little he could guess given Dumbledore’s hints, he thought he knew exactly what sort of thing Dumbledore was talking about.

“The organization I have created is called the Order of the Phoenix,” Dumbledore explained. “We are small, but dedicated. We cannot offer you money or safety, simply a shared commitment to fighting back against Voldemort. And this organization is strictly secret. It is hard to know who to trust these days, and I do not want to compromise any of our members. You have kept enough secrets in your short life, I imagine you will be able to hold this one.”

“Sir,” Remus said, a sinking feeling settling in his gut. “Do I have to keep it secret from my friends? From James and Sirius and Peter?”

“No,” Dumbledore said. “I have requested that they join as well. They know of the Order’s existence, and you may tell them about your decision. However, if any of them choose not to join, you must not tell them anything else. Secrets, though difficult, are often necessary. Even within the Order. Some people have… missions… that cannot be trusted to anybody else. We deal with sensitive information, and much is at stake.”

“I understand sir,” Remus said. “And I—I think I’d like to join, but I’d like to talk to my friends first, if that’s okay. We’ve done everything together, and it just seems like something we should go into together if we go in.”

“I completely understand,” Dumbledore said. “I have already spoken to Mr. Potter and Ms. Evans, and I will be seeing Mr. Pettigrew and Mr. Black before the end of the day. Now, I sugest you return to your study period. You have N.E.W.T.s coming up. Six, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Yes sir, thank you,” Remus said. Once he was out of the office he let out a deep breath of air and leaned against the stone wall. Fighting Voldemort full-time. It was what he had always wanted to do, but it would be dangerous—for all of them. And his family, he thought with an unwelcome sinking feeling. They would be in danger too.

 

“So boys, what do you think?” James asked. “Order of the Phoenix is it? Fighting crime, saving lives. We’d be like the people in those—Remus, what are those books where the pictures don’t move called?”

“Comics,” Remus sighed. “And you’re not going to be Superman just because—”

“Oh come on, James is clearly Superman,” Sirius cut in. “He can fly, and he’s practically un-killable. Remember that one time he ate that weird fuzzy stuff we found at the bottom of your trunk? Peter had Spiderman pants in first year, so that’s pretty much a done deal. Me? I’d be _Batman_.”

“Do I need to ask what I’d be?” Remus sighed.

“Wolverine,” James, Sirius and Pete said in unison.

“Great,” Remus muttered. “But really guys, it won’t be like in comic books. None of us are actually invincible. We can die just as easily as anybody else. Remember when That Shacklebolt kid’s parents just disappeared? They were two of the best in the Auror department. If we sign up, we need to know what we’re risking.”

Peter nodded, looking a little terrified, but said in a shaky voice, “I—I’ll do it if the three of you are doing it. I don’t know if I’ll be much use, but I want to do—something. I want to help.”

James nodded along with Peter and said, “Really it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Especially since what happened to Lily’s parents. I reckon my parents would have joined if they could still fight.”

“I figure it’s the best way to undo all the shit my family’s done,” Sirius said with a shrug. “Those people—they’re scary, and they need to be stopped.”

Remus nodded, then said. “I don’t want anything to happen to my mum, or Lily, or anybody else. Voldemort’s already killed so many people, if we could protect any of them—it’s worth the risk.”

“So we’re doing it?” James asked, looking at each of the boys for confirmation. Peter bit his lip before nodding along with Sirius and Remus.

 

It was the morning of graduation when Sirius heard the sentence he never thought would ever come out of James Potter’s mouth.

“Sirius, could you, uh, help me with my hair?”

Sirius exchanged a bewildered look with Remus and Peter, then made his way into the bathroom, where James was standing, staring into the mirror with a comb and a bottle of sleak-eazy’s. “James, I didn’t know you cared this much about graduating,” Sirius said. “I suppose you’ve got to impress Minnie.”

“It’s not that,” James said, scraping his dress shoes against the tile floor. “It’s… you know what we talked about a while ago? When you found the ring. It’s just I—IthoughtthismightbeagoodtimetoaskLilytomarryme.”

“I heard ‘Lily’ and ‘marry’ so I can only assume you’re going to propose to Evans,” Sirius said.

“Yeah,” James admitted. “I—is that okay?”

“I’m not the one you need to be asking, mate,” Sirius said with a smile. “I think it’s her opinion that matters here.”

“Yeeah, but you’re okay with it?” James confirmed. “I love her, and you’ve got Moony, but us… we’re going to be okay.”

“We’ll always be brothers,” said Sirius, earning a grin from James. “And as your brother, I have to tell you to put down that hair potion. Lily told me she likes your hair messy.”

“My Dad’s going to flip a lid,” James muttered as he threw the sleak-eazy’s in the general direction of his trunk. “I want it to be special, you know.”

“Hand me the comb,” Sirius said with a sigh. “And we’ll see what I can do. I assume make-up is—”

“Out of the question,” James said, “Just make me look good. I trust you.”

 

“I think I’ve told James his hair looks good about five-hundred times,” Remus murmured stepping into the queue behind Sirius.

“Do you think Lily will say yes?” Peter piped up.

“I think so,” Remus said. “But I told him to do it in private, put less pressure on her, you know. He want to do it in front of the lake though, so I’m not sure how much privacy he’ll get.”

“We’re following him though, aren’t we,” Sirius asked.

“Obviously,” Remus scoffed. “We’re the Marauders. We’d follow him into the middle of the forbidden forest.”

“I hope she says yes,” Peter said. “I really like her. If I passed my N.E.W.T.s, it’s because of her. And she got Mary to agree to maybe going on a date with me someday.”

“She’s a good person,” Sirius said, almost succeeding in sounding indifferent.

“Who is?” James asked, running into place between Sirius and Peter, ignoring the withering glare from McGonagall. The ceremony was about to start, but he had been rehearsing his proposal.

“Lily,” Peter answered. “We’ve decided, well, if somebody is going to join the Marauders extended family, we’re glad it’s her.”

“But we’re going to have boys-only nights,” Sirius interjected.

“I’m particularly looking forward to the _stag_ party,” Remus said with a smirk.

“Not your best Moony,” James said, “but I suppose I’m going to be hearing that pun from you lot many more times. If she says yes, that is.”

“She will, I think,” Peter said, but before he could elaborate, McGonagall was ushering them onto the stage. The graduating class was small, smaller than it should have been, and before any of them knew it, the speeches were over and Dumbledore was calling the name, “Black, Sirius.” Sirius did his best to look cool as he accepted his diploma from Dumbledore, but when McGonagall gave him a hug, he couldn’t suppress a few tears. Lily followed not long after, her hair almost as scarlet as her robes, and waved at her parents before joining Sirius. By the time Remus’ name was called he had nearly chewed off his thumbnail. Hogwarts had been his home for seven years, but when he shook Dumbledore’s hand and received his piece of parchment, he was no longer a student. He caught sight of his parents, both crying with joy.

“We did it,” he whispered to Sirius once he had stepped down from the dais. “I never—I never thought I would be able to go here, and now I’ve graduated. It’s—it’s mad really.”

“I never thought I’d be up here in red and gold,” Sirius said with a harsh laugh. “I notice the parents didn’t come.”

“Regulus did,” Remus whispered, indicating the younger Black son hovering near the back of the crowd. Sirius opened his mouth to comment, but no sound came out.

Moments later they turned their attention back to the stage when Dumbledore called out the name, “Potter, James.” Grinning, James pulled Dumbledore into a hug before accepting his diploma and moving on to McGonagall. Peter was the next student to get his diploma, and he openly cried when he took his diploma.

“I did it,” he mouthed at his friends, who all patted him on the back. Once Sybil Zabini received her diploma, the graduates posed for pictures, and then soon everybody was milling about, congratulating one another, being hugged by parents, and saying their goodbyes. It was some time before James got the chance to pull Lily aside.

“Do you fancy a walk around the lake?” He whispered in her ear once she finished hugging Marlene McKinnon, who was wearing Ravenclaw blue and bronze.

“Yeah,” she said, smiling up at him. They took each other’s hands and pushed their way through the crowd and down the path that wound around the Black Lake.

“I can’t believe it’s over,” Lily sighed. “We’re not students anymore. We can… we can do anything.”

“What do you want your life to look like?” James asked. When Lily gave him a quizzical look he continued, “I mean, I know you want to be a healer, and you’re going to be in the Order, and we’ll all be taking out Death Eaters on the weekends and almost dying, but what do you want for the moments in between. Because when I think of the future, the only thing I know for sure is I want—I want you. I want your hair on m pillow in the morning. I want to bring you tea and rub your feet and kiss every one of your freckles and cuddle on the couch. I want to fall asleep holding you so that even when horrible things are happening, even when I’ve seen evil and tried to fight it, and even when we’re losing, I want to come home and see you and know that things will be okay. And we could die, the odds are against us, I’d say, and if I die I want to die having loved you and I want whatever time I have to be spent making you happy and I want—”

James stopped and sunk down onto one knee, not even caring that he was going to ruin his dress robes. “What I’m trying to say is, Lily Evans, would you make me the happiest man alive and be my wife?”

Once he had spoken, James finally got the courage to look at Lily’s face, and for one horrible second he thought she would say no, but then her face split into a grin and she was crying and saying, “Yes. Yes, of course I will. I’d love to.”

Laughing, James picked her up and swung her around, and then there were three other boys hugging her as well and cheering.

“I knew you’d say yes!” Peter cried from behind her.

“Congratulations!” Remus shouted in her ear.

When James set her down, Lily made eye contact with Sirius over her shoulder. “You’re taking my boy,” Sirius said, his face impassive. For one tense moment neither of them said anything, until Sirius’ face split into a grin and he said, “you’d better take good care of him Lily Potter.”

“I’m sure you’ll be around to make sure I do,” Lily responded with a warm smile.

“Oh yes,” James said, slinging one arm around Sirius’ shoulders and ruffling Peter’s hair with the other. “Us Marauders, we’re inseparable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow  
> I'm actually done with this. It's been over a year since I started, and I'm honestly relieved to have finished it.  
> I have a lot of first war head-canons, but I don't know if I'll be continuing this.  
> Thank you everybody who read, gave kudos, and commented. You are the best.  
> You can always contact me at my tumblr http://follow-the-bvtterflies.tumblr.com/


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